He peels off his wet coat as he enters my room, draping it over the back of my desk chair. Then he drops his hat on the table, his damp curls dripping onto the neck of his t-shirt as he approaches me.
“You’re soaked.” He slides my hood down as I stand frozen with a held breath, it would be so easy to let him see everything. If I just stay still. “Take this off.”
“No, I’m fine.” I turn away from him and sit on the chair at my desk. Showing him would be as bad as talking, and I have to keep quiet.
He stands in the center of the room with that questioning stare, watching me as I slide off my boots and curl my legs under myself. My heart is cracking under the pressure of it.
“I want you to explain,” I break the silence and meet his unnerving gaze.
“Something else is going on,” there’s an edge of anger in his accusation, but it’s the hurt in it that makes my guilt rise into my throat. “What are you not saying?”
“Don’t avoid this.”
“I’m not.” He swipes his hand through his hair, eyes lifting to the ceiling as he blows out a breath. “It’s only, I need to think where to start.”
“Start with Saturday.”
His eyes snap back to me. “I already told you about Saturday.”
“I’ve heard other things.”
He sinks onto the edge of my bed, close to my chair. “I knew you would. Is that what’s been bothering you?”
I nod, gripping the half-truth.
“Why didn’t you ask me?”
“It was before we started dating.” I can’t drop my eyes from his, he holds me steady in his gaze. “And I want to trust what you said.”
“But you don’t,” the disappointment in his words crushes me.
“I do.” I lean towards him. “That’s why I didn’t say anything until now, when you said you’re willing to talk.”
“What did you hear?” He rests his forearms on his knees, inches away from my legs.
“That you two had sex.” The idea turns sour in my stomach.
“And then I came to your dorm and took you back to my place straight after?”
It’s not really a question. And I don’t give an answer. But I don’t laugh like him; it all makes me sick.
“Baby,” his voice is gentle and his hands are on me, sliding up my thighs. “I wouldn’t—couldn’t do that to you. That next morning, did I perform like a man who just had sex?”
“I don’t know.” His hands on me help and hurt. I want to cling to him, but I need to keep him away. I do nothing as his firm grip slides to the top of my thigh and squeezes, pulling me off the chair till I’m standing in front of him.
“The answer’s no.” His hands slide up my back, under my sweater, as he pulls me even closer.
I keep from falling into him with my palms on his chest, but they tingle to move, to follow the curve of his muscles. “What did happen?”
“Everything I told you,” he sighs and tugs me down, hand never leaving my side as I sit next to him on the bed. “I took Tatum to her room to calm her down. People assume they know what happened in there, but they don’t. Thing is, I usually don’t give a fuck what they think. I don’t say or do anything to correct them when shit like this happens—because it’s happened before and sometimes they’d actually be right.” He lets out a breath and lifts his eyes to mine, fingers flexing against my ribs as he holds on. “But not this time. This time, I only calmed her down, that’s it. And then I got out of there, and I knew what they all thought, but I didn’t correct them. It wouldn’t have made a difference if I did anyways, they wouldn’t believe it. They all think they know me. Plus, it would only make them ask more questions about Tatum.”
All his frustration drops from his voice, and he grazes my chin with his fingers. “I care what you think though.”
I lift my shoulder and scoot back before he can dip under my hair and pull it from being tucked into my hoody.
“That night when I came here, I didn’t expect what happened. I didn’t know you’d give me your virginity the next morning. A part of me wishes I’d waited, so it wouldn’t be tainted for you by the rumors of the night before. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t say no. I wanted you then, like I want you now. Forget what other people say and believe that.”
“I do.” I knew he wanted me. The question was always how much? “But what happens next time? You said this has happened before, what if it happens again?”
“You don’t want me to help her?”
I press my fingers to my eyes as guilt washes over me, but it can’t touch the jealousy that burns in my chest. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?” He pulls my hands away from my face.
“You’ve known her for years, and obviously care for her. I’ve barely known you a couple of months.”
“But you’re my girlfriend.”
“Exactly, and that’s what I wanted, but all I do is ask for more.” It hasn’t even been a week, and I’m already putting more demands on him. I’m a horrible girlfriend.
“What is it you’re asking for?”
“That you’ll choose me,” I blurt it out and immediately try and explain, “I don’t’ mean you have to choose between us. I just don’t want to feel like I’m always going to come second to her.”
“That’s how you feel? That she comes before you?” At my nod he closes his eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” He focuses his deep green eyes on me, leaning closer with each word. “That’s not the case. Yes, her and I have history, but we have something else.” His lips brush against my chin. “I don’t know what this is between us, but nobody else compares.” He presses a kiss to my mouth, talking between pecks. “Nobody makes me feel like you.”
I sigh into him and his arm wraps around me as his lips move against mine, opening them to let his tongue sweep into my mouth. My body sizzles, wanting more, wanting to press against him completely. But when his hand slides to my neck, I pull back, brushing my hair so it hangs in front of me, shielding my bruises.
He traces his full lips with the pad of his finger, watching me as I adjust myself on the mattress, putting space between us.
“My grandmother’s a nice person, but she yells a lot.” He takes me off guard. I can’t read his gaze, but the distance in it is intense. “Even before the Alzheimer’s changed her, she was always snapping. We always argued. That’s probably why I was in so many camps. When I wasn’t in camps, I knew to stay out until dark. She said kids weren’t meant to be inside during the day.” He shakes his head ever so slightly, but it dispels him of whatever memory he’s in. “It wasn’t bad. She may have sounded mean, but all her actions showed she cared.” He looks away then, staring at the sunset painting above Rose’s bed. “Tatum was the same, but different. We argued all the time, but it felt normal. All that anger was because she loved me. I liked that she said she loved me. The girl I’d been watching half my life, loved me. Even if I wasn’t sure how to love her back, it felt good.”
“You didn’t love her? You don’t love her?”
He shakes his head, and I’m crushed under sadness. If he couldn’t love her, then I didn’t stand a chance.
“Maybe, in some sort of way, I do. But it’s not enough. That’s partially why I broke up with her before she left for college. But she was still back every weekend, and I’d let her back every time. It only got worse when I started college. The fighting, the drama, it all got worse.” He swipes his hand over his face. “It’s different with you though. When you talk… it’s never like them. You don’t yell at me, even when I deserve it. When I’ve upset you, you let it show but you explain why. Fuck if it doesn’t make me feel like shit, but at the same time, it makes me want to do better.
“You’re nice in more than just your actions, but your words, too. That’s what I was drawn to in you. I thought at first that it’s because you had this nice life and didn’t know any different, never been hardened. But then you told me everything that’s happened with your dad, sister, and school.” His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn into mine. “I realized the strength in you that’s always been there. For you to face all that and still be so good. And I thought I was too late, until you showed up at that football field for me… That’s when I knew, I needed to be clear with Tatum and end things for good, because I want to give this a chance.”
“So that’s what you were doing Saturday?”
“Sort of. I mean, I wanted to, but then everything happened first. And she saw me arguing with Scott about you and started running her mouth. I tried to walk away and—I didn’t handle anything right. It turned into a big fucking mess until I got her alone.” He closes his eyes on his flustered explanation. When he opens them, he meets mine with confidence. “I trust you.”
I nod to acknowledge him, but I don’t know how to respond.
“I trust you, and I’m going to tell you things that I don’t typically tell people, but some things are not for me to tell about. They’re her secrets.”
“I understand.” I fold my legs under my hoodie and rest my chin on my knees. “I don’t expect you to tell me everything this soon in the relationship.” It eases the guilt in me for keeping my own secrets.
“I know I’m asking a lot, given how little I’ve said about that night, but nothing happened more than me holding her till she calmed down.”
“She was yelling your name?” I don’t know why I continue to think on Kyle’s words. He’s been manipulating situations to get TJ. This could be the same.
“She was yelling a lot of things.” He searches my face with his eyes, hesitation in them as he continues, “She tried to do more. She’s use to those moments turning out differently, but by the end, she got the point that I wouldn’t give in to her this time.”
“And then Tuesday morning, before class…”
“I was checking on her. I know she had to have heard that I was with you, those girls always talk. I wanted to make sure she didn’t take anything out on you. None of this is your fault.”
“Okay.” I grab his hand before he can slide it into my hair. Our fingers tangle together and rest on the bed between us. At his narrowed eyes, I continue, “You’re here with me now. You chose this relationship with me.” A pleasant warmth spreads through me with the thought. “I believe you.”
“I wish it could be simple for you, though. Because even though she knows that we’re together now, she’ll still be around. I’m still connected to her, to her family.”
“Is she still your future?” I curl my fingers out of his, pulling them into my own fist.
“What?” He jumps to reach for me again. “No. No, Brook. She’s not, neither is her family. Once I pay them back, I can cut ties.” His hands still on my arms, but his grip is firm. “I thought I owed them so much more than money, but I’m realizing that I don’t.”
“Why? What did they do for you?” I reach for him, sliding my hand on his leg to calm the bouncing nerves vibrating his body.
“Everything.” He says it like it’s an undeniable fact. “The camps, my grandmothers nursing home, my scholarships to both high school and college.”
“High school scholarship?”
“When my grandmother got too bad to stay home, and she needed around the clock care, they put her up, and I got a scholarship to a private school where I could live and play football the rest of my junior and senior year. It was one of the top schools and recruiters were there all the time. But besides some division two schools, only eastern recruited me with a full ride. That was because of her family, too, they would have never extended the scholarship otherwise.”
“But you’ve proved yourself since you’ve been here. You’ve earned your scholarship.” I hated the doubt he let show, the vulnerability in the cracks of his usual confidence.
His jaw flexes as his teeth grinds, giving me chills. “I tried. But they remind me who’s responsible all the time. Even my coach. I spent my freshmen year trying to prove myself, but he barely gave me any time. Then last year, after Tallen hurt his shoulder and I became the starting quarterback, no one could accuse me of not being good enough.” That cocky glint brightens his green eyes. “It’s a funny thing because I always knew I was good, and others always knew it, too. But there was a part of me that doubted it, and then these people made that worse. But at the same time, when I got to start last year, and we kept winning, I knew then that this dream could be real—that I can go to the NFL. They gave me that.”
“And they gave you money?”
“For my grandmother. Her care is expensive, and her retirement isn’t much. She didn’t have any savings either. My father probably drained her of that, just like he fucked my credit. He’d been taking credit cards out in my name for years before I found out.”
“Did you report it? Can’t they fix that?” So many questions float in my head.
“I filed a report, and I don’t owe any of it. But the damage is done to my credit. Tate’s father owns a fucking bank and they couldn’t even secure me a real loan.” He shrugs his shoulders, throwing it all off him. “When I get my first contract, I’ll be able to pay it all back and my credit won’t be an issue anymore.”
I nod, chewing over everything he’s said, weaving through his tie to Tatum’s family. “I can see why you say you’re connected to them.”
“But that’s just it, lately I’ve been figuring out more, and I can’t deny that they helped, but they’ve been interfering more than I ever knew. That’s why I’ve been thinking…” He presses his lips together and eyes me as he sits up tall. “I’ve been thinking about my options.”
“What options?” I ask him and scoot closer. As he’s been talking, my body’s been relaxing, unfolding from itself. Even if it isn’t light conversation, him opening up is drawing me out, too.
“I’ll tell you what I’m thinking.” His hand slides to my thigh, his fingers nearly wrapping around them as he pulls me closer, draping my legs over his. “But please, baby, I’m trusting you not to tell anyone. I don’t want others to know till I have to announce it.”
My stomach dips with the thought of more secrets to swallow, but this one is different. It’s him sharing. It’s his trust in me. And I grip his hand and bring it to my lips, brushing against the back of his knuckles. “Secret’s safe with me.”
“Come January, I’m going to announce my intent to go to the draft instead of returning to school for my senior year.”
“Okay.” I wait for more, but he’s only watching me. “Why is that a secret? It sounds like a good thing.” Although it gives us even less time, but that’s a selfish thought I won’t voice.
“Because it’s a risk. Tatum’s family wants me to stay through my senior year. It’s what most players do. It gives you a better chance at being a first round draft pick. And if you announce your intent to leave school, you can’t come back, even if you’re not drafted onto a team.” He threads his fingers through mine, his thumb brushing the back of my hand. “I was going to follow their advice. I mean, her uncle is one of the top NFL players of all time. But since I’ve found more success, more people talk to me. And at some of these away games, I’ve found out that other schools did offer scholarships—Tatum’s family never told me about it, they hid it from me. And this last away game, I talked to a scout from the Ravens, he questioned me about the draft this year. I already knew from stats that I’d be a good pick, but after finding out how much Mr. Valdez was hiding from me, I started to question why I should follow their advice. But when the coach found out I was talking to the recruiter, he started pulling me back from plays. He controls it all, and if he keeps doing that shit, my numbers can suffer, and I won’t be as sought after. So for now, they all think I’m coming back next year.”
“That’s awful.”
“Everyone’s in it for themselves, Brook.” His hand slides to my face, so soft and gentle. “I have to look out for myself, too.”
“So eight more games?” I take a breath and grip his hand, leaning into the warmth of his touch.
“You do pay attention?” His laugh is breathy and deep. “That’s if we win the first round of playoffs and make it to the final game.”
“You will.” As long as I don’t ruin their team.
He slides a hand to the back of my head, his other hand pulling my thigh till I’m straddling him, and then his lips claim mine, moving them how he wants. I grip his t-shirt in my hands, the suddenness and heat in his kiss throws me off balance. The intensity clears my mind of everything but him. And I cling to it.
But when his hand grips my sweater and lifts, I remember everything and pull off of him.
“Wait.” I’m standing in the middle of the room.
“What’s wrong?” There’s only concern in his voice and gaze.
“If we start this, we’ll never get out, and I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten all day, and I have lots of homework still to do. I should go to the library to study. Do you ever study?”
“All right.” He stands up with a curious small smile. “Let’s go to the cafeteria, we’ll get some dinner. Unless you wanted to go to a restaurant?”
“No, the caf is good. Let’s go.”
We both leave the heavy conversation behind us, and dinner is light, and fun, and sexy, with his typical inappropriate grabs and comments. He loves my leggings as much as he loves my skirts. And I’m happy his focus is on my legs.
The constant rain gives me the perfect cover for my sweater. I only hope the bruises will fade soon. The one on my side can be explained by a fall, but the ones on my neck are more difficult.
After dinner I retreat to the library, and he goes home without pushing for me to stay. A part of me wishes he would push, because I want to tell my secrets, I just need him to force them out. But that’s unfair because my secrets will affect his team, and he needs to finish the season strong to be in a good position for the draft.
The constant drizzle cycles to torrents of rain in the night with no end in site. The on and off storm is set to continue through Saturday, and the game for the next day is cancelled due to flooding on the field and streets.
Jess and Angel walk with me through the mist from the student cafeteria after our late breakfast. They’re going on about the potential for a flood party in the dorms. Rose still hasn’t returned.
“She probably won’t want to hang out with us in the dorms, when this means her sexy ass boyfriend is going to be freed up tonight and all day tomorrow.” Jess wiggles her shoulders in a strange little dance.
“Don’t do that,” Angel’s growl is softened by the laugh that breaks free after, and then she looks towards me. “You could always invite him, too. He made an impact with his thirty second appearance at last weeks party.”
“Maybe I will.” It sounds better than hanging out at his place or anywhere else with his friends. My stomach clenches and heart dips, realizing how impossible this whole thing is. I can’t avoid them forever, but everyday is one more with him.
“Do it.” Jess jumps up with a squeal. “Oh and have him bring some of his football buddies. Oh my gosh.” She flaps her hands with excitement. “Yes. This will be awesome.”
“That must be the team getting out now.” Angel nudges my shoulder. “They probably had to practice in the Field House because of the rain.”
I look across the quad where there’s a group of large guys streaming from the Field House. We have to walk past it to get to the dorms, and my muscles are suddenly tight and hard to move.
“Probably,” I mumble and drop my gaze the closer we get.
“You should call him,” Jess chirps. “Aw, maybe you two could meet up now. You could surprise him.”
I can’t do anything, my pulse pounds in my ears, throbbing and painful. I only want to get away without being seen. But the girls on my sides slow their walk as we approach the front of the building.
“Andrew, hi,” Jess yells out and I freeze, forcing my head up to see if it’s really him.
He jogs down the steps towards us with a large smile in place. He wraps me in a hug, his lips lowering to mine.
The kiss drains the tension in me, his warmth thawing my muscles. TJ can’t do anything with Drew here.
“I was just about to call you.” He lifts away, but keeps his hands locked at my back.
“Well, we’re going back to the dorm.” Angel hooks her thumb in that direction. “We’ll talk to you later.”
Jess jumps when Angel nudges her. “Oh yeah, just about to leave. We’ve got a party to plan for tonight. We’re having a party in our dorms, you should come.” She waves as Angel pulls her away, and she yells over her shoulder, “Invite your friends, too.”
“Another dorm party?” He lifts his brow with a soft smile, and I nod. “I was hoping you’d come back to my place tonight.” He dips down to kiss me again, but his lips never meet mine.
“Andrew,” a teary voice pulls him from me. And it’s the look in his eyes that confirm who it is. Tatum. “I need to talk to you.”
But he pulls me closer as he turns towards her. “What’s wrong?”
She doesn’t look like her. Her typically glowing skin is ashen, and her eyes are rimmed red and puffy from crying. Her soaked hair and clothes only adds to the sad girl in front of us.
Her eyes don’t leave him, though. She doesn’t acknowledge me. “Can we talk alone?”
He shakes his head, his fingers gripping me even tighter, keeping me at his side. “Tatum, I’ve told you, I can’t do this anymore.”
“I’m pregnant,” she blurts out, her entire body moving towards him like a demand, but then she closes her mouth and stands up straight, pulling it all back in.
We’re all frozen in the moment, but Drew’s voice breaks through, a wavery whisper. “Who?”
“You,” she croaks, and the tears start pouring again. “Oh, Drew, it’s only ever been you.”
“You’re lying.” He’s stiff next to me, and I step back, his hands slipping away easily.
She covers her mouth and shakes her head, the rain mixing with her tears.
“I’m going to go.” I back away, unsure if I even spoke. They both only stare at the other.
But Drew nods his head without breaking his gaze from her, a small gesture that pushes the last inch of the blade into my heart.
