I make it to my room with no memory of getting there. My thoughts are a cyclone, tearing through everything I knew. The destruction hurts, the confusion a painful ache deep in the marrow of my bones. Nothing makes sense.
Nothing.
Not even me.
Stepping into the shower, I avoid the mirror. I already know I’m painted with bruises inside and out, and for what? For other people’s secrets and lies that I take on myself. So I can hang onto a man who was never mine, that only ever promised me the day, not the future. And now his life is forever linked with another. I want him to be worth it, but now I’m not sure. But that’s what hurts the worst, what’s tearing my heart apart, the thought that I need to let him go. Not just for me, but for him. For the family he might have.
I close my eyes on these devastating thoughts, letting the steaming water pour over my head, burning them away. I stay in the heat till my skin is red and numb, till all thoughts stop, and I’m left with emptiness where they once were. A hollow space that has no feeling. And I crawl into bed and close my eyes, embracing the numbness.
“Have you heard from Rose?” Jess asks as she mixes together something from a can and something from a bottle.
I cover my yawn with my fist, letting go of the edge of the blankets I’m wrapped in on the bed. “Nope.”
“No, none of that yawning,” Jess orders without even turning around to see me. “You slept most of the day. It’s time to get up and play.”
“You’re such a dork,” Angel laughs at Jess’s little rhyme. “I texted Ro earlier, she said she’s at TJ’s but might come back tonight.”
“Well, we’ll be here.” Jess’s dark hair swings as she turns and sticks her tongue out at Angel. She passes out the red plastic cups she’s mixed up to each of us. “This should help keep us all awake.”
“What is it?” I take the cup and smell the contents, definitely vodka.
“Red bull and vodka,” she chirps and goes back to my table to pick up her own cup. “What about Andrew? Is he coming out, or are you going to leave us and go over there?”
I cover my flinch with a sip of my drink. I hadn’t heard from him yet. Not even a text. It was hard not to pull up my own ideas from his silence. “I’m here for the night.”
I tilt back the cup again, till the burn from the drink overpowers the burn in my chest.
“Oh good,” Jess glances out my window and makes little eek noises. “Some of the guys from upstairs are already mud surfing on the hill out back. You up for it?”
“Maybe after a few more of these.” Angel covers her smile with a sip of her drink.
The rain is hard but warm now that I’m already soaked. I sit in the middle of the downpour, on the top of a small hill, watching students strip away there inhibitions and cares, along with their clothes. The alcohol might play a role, but it’s still fun to watch, and I want in. I want to let it all go, to step outside of myself and not care about anything but fun. This is what I had wanted college to be about. And here I am, with it dangling in my face. So close.
Angel slides down the slick mud trail belly first, and mid way, Jess launches herself at Angel and grabs her ankles, till they’re both rolling down the rest of the hill in shrieking laughter that can be heard over the roar of the rain.
“That girl’s crazy. What is she on?” A boy from our dorm stoops beside me with his hands on his knees.
“Red Bull and Vodka.” I lift up the water bottle we’ve filled before coming out in the mess.
Jess bounds back up the hill towards me like she’s got an endless supply of energy. The boy next to me is glued to her bouncing body, every curve seen through the suction of her mud covered t-shirt and spandex shorts.
“Come on.” She pulls on my hand, lifting me to my feet. “You got try this, it’s so much fun.”
“Get your ass over here.” Angel holds up a boogie board. “I’m going to do it. I’m going to bust my ass surfing down the hill.”
“Wait, I need my phone.” Jess puts her hands up, signaling for her to stop.
“The rain will ruin it,” the boy at my side comments.
“Oh, snap. You’re right.” Jess pouts for a split second before pulling on me again. “Oh well, let’s go watch. I’ll push her down if that balanced bitch doesn’t fall first.” She grabs the water bottle from my hand and lifts her face towards the rain to squirt some of the drink in her open mouth. After she shoves it back to me, she takes off after Angel who’s run and skids on the boogie board, but her ride is short lived when the board shoots out from under her and she lands in a muddy mess. Jess is there just in time to laugh in her face.
A couple of guys at the bottom of the hill catch the board and shout their laughter as they jog to the top.
Jess shouts something I can’t hear over the constant drum of rain, but I follow where she’s pointing, and my smile drops along with my heart and every ounce of liquored blood in my body.
Rose is covered in a big rain coat, but I know it’s her because of the large man beside her. He doesn’t have a hat covering his pulled back hair.
Angel swipes at the mud on her body, only spreading it around like paint as she approaches me. “Well, ain’t that a surprise? Rose did get her happy ass out here.”
“Do you think Andrew will show?” Jess asks, twisting her hair to secure into a bun.
I shake my head, straining for air, choking on the rain.
The group at the bottom of the hill hollers as they notice TJ, and Rose breaks away as they surround him, waving to us and walking up the incline.
She smiles for Angel and Jess, and the things I can’t say bombard my thoughts. Things she should know. I can’t speak.
But when she turns to me, her lips turn down into an exaggerated pout, and she drops her shoulders. “Oh girl.” She pulls me into a hug. “I heard about Tatum. How are you handling it? I’m surprised you’re out.” She releases me and nods. “You handle shit so much better than I do.”
“What happened with Tatum?” Angel questions with eyebrows turned in.
“She didn’t tell you?” Rose looks back to me, eyes wide.
“I don’t know the details yet,” I respond, probably not loud enough for them to hear.
“What’s going on?” Jess looks between us.
“Andrew got Tatum pregnant.”
It cracks like lightning in my brain, sharp and painful, and I speak up. “Where did you hear that?”
She holds her jacket hood on her head as she looks towards me. “Tatum. She was at TJ’s and Andrew’s place. She said you knew.”
“Oh,” Jess grabs my hand, “did you know?”
I pull from her grip as TJ climbs the hill in a few strides. He hooks his arm around Rose, lifting her off her feet, and she shrieks with laughter. “Ready to get messy, babe?”
He doesn’t wait for a response as he launches down the hill, holding her much smaller body on top of his.
“I’m going inside.” I walk away from their stares, but Jess follows.
“Are you all right?” she asks as soon as we step through the back door into the cool air of the basement.
“I don’t know,” is my honest response.
“Did you know? Did he tell you?” She keeps my quick pace as we walk the length of the hall to the stairwell.
“I heard this morning, but…” I take a breath, keeping down the prickly tears clogging my throat. “I hoped it was a mistake.”
“Have you talked to Andrew?” She holds the door to the stairs open for me.
“I was there when he found out, but I walked away to give them space. I haven’t heard from him since.”
She doesn’t respond as we walk up the stairs and down the hall, but the second we cross into my room, she crashes into me, hugging me from the side.
“I’m sorry.” She rocks her body, pulling me with her. “This is crazy. I bet he’s a thousand times more shocked than us. He just needs time. Maybe you’ll hear from him tomorrow.”
“Maybe.” I squeeze her back for a second, and then I pull away, soaked and covered in her mud.
“If not, his loss. Besides, who wants to take on step mom duty at our age?” She cringes. “Too soon?” Air hisses through her teeth as she sucks in. “Sorry, I sometimes don’t say the right things.”
“It’s all right.” I fail at smiling. “I just can’t think about it all till I know more.”
“Right.” She looks around my room, smile rising as her eyes land on the liquor bottle. “How about, after I go shower and clean up, we head upstairs and drink. Forget about everything?”
“Deal.” I follow her to the door and lock it behind her, muscles twitching with the thought of TJ outside. He won’t do anything though because I won’t talk, I haven’t talked, I try and reassure myself, but it doesn’t take away the fear blistering in my veins. At least the dorms are big enough that I can avoid him, unless he sleeps over.
I peel away my soggy sweater and stiff jeans, taking my time to choose a new outfit since the bathroom is occupied by someone in the attached room. My thoughts circle between Drew and TJ, and I reach for my phone, only to sink deeper when he’s not part of the missed calls or texts.
Scott is though. I missed a call from him and a text asking me to call. I lay the phone on my desk as the light in the bathroom flips off, and the door on the other side closes.
Locking myself in the bathroom, I shower and dress in leggings, T-shirt, and my last large hoodie. I’ll need to do laundry tomorrow.
When I step out of my room, Jess has her door open across the hall and waves me in. She’s got several people in the room with her, all with cups in hand. She hands me a full cup right away, and I take a gulp.
I spend most of the night straddling the line of numb but still in control. It’s not till some immeasurable amount of time later, in someone else’s room, that my phone rings, and I jump with stupid hope, but Scott’s name brings me back to a painful reality.
“Brook, clinic is cancelled tomorrow, right?” he asks, and I’m not sure if it’s my phone or his voice that’s fuzzy.
“Yeah. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t tell people. It’s on the website though, but I guess I should have texted everyone or something. Shoot.” My body’s too heavy to lift off the couch I’m sitting on. I should have a couch in my dorm. Couches are good.
“It’s not a big deal,” there’s laughter in his voice.
“What if they all show up?” The room’s suddenly louder than I thought. Brighter too. And it spins as I rest back. “What?” I miss what he’s saying.
“Where are you?” That’s not what he originally said, I know it.
“At my dorm.”
“Are you drunk?”
I pause. And think. But it’s hard to do with the swirl of liquor in my veins. “Yes. I believe I am.”
“Are you—Who’s with you?”
I look around the room, at all the familiar faces I can’t place a name too. “People.”
“Are you doing okay, Brook?” His voice is suddenly low. “Did you hear?”
The rolling in my stomach threatens to expel everything onto the couch. “I hear everything.”
Rose enters the room with Angel, and my gut turns inside out. I know who won’t be far behind. I somehow peel my heavy limbs from the couch as they approach.
“Who are you talking to?” Rose asks, nodding her cup towards my phone.
“… she’s probably about a month along,” Scotts voice fades in and out behind the noise around me. “At least he’s decent enough to step up.”
“It’s Scott,” I blurt without filter. “But I think I’m going to get sick.”
All their concerns hit me at once.
“Are you okay?”
“Wait, let’s get to the bathroom.”
“How much have you had to drink?”
But it’s Jess who intercepts with a laugh, pulling the phone from my ear.
“She’ll call you back?” She announces to Scott and then pulls me down the hall, back to my room in a blur of giggles. “You’ll feel better after you get it out. I’ve already been in the bathroom like twice.”
Then I’m on my knees, face in the toilet, waiting. But nothing happens except a pounding in my head.
“Force it out. You’ll feel better,” Jess encourages from her spot against my sink. “Stick your finger down your throat.”
I try and gag. But nothing comes up. “I can’t.”
“Maybe it was a false alarm.”
I sit back on my bottom, leaning against the shower stall. “Probably.”
“Maybe you need more to drink.”
I shake my head with my eyes closed. “I think I need water.”
“Quitter,” she giggles but steps out the open door. “I’ll get it for you.”
She places a fresh water bottle in my hand, and I hold onto the cool plastic, pressing it to my heated face. I’m getting hotter by the second.
“Maybe you should relax here for now. I’ll come back and check on you in a bit.” She inches out of the room.
The water is even cooler when I drink it. Perfect.
The door to the dorm closes whisper soft, and I pull myself to my feet to lock it. The threat of TJ too large to be forgotten, even in my haze.
But I’m too late. He’s in my room like a nightmare in the flesh, and he’s pulling his shirt over his head.
“Brook.” He calls before I can retreat back into the bathroom. His shirt drops to the ground in a wet pile, and his lips twist up. “Don’t go. I wanted to talk to you, apologize.”
I don’t move.
He unzips a backpack on Rose’s bed and pulls out a few garments. “I wanted to change into dry clothes.”
“I’ll go.” I drop my eyes and pass him, screaming prayers in my mind.
“You’ll come back?” He turns as I pass; I sense it even though I don’t look towards him.
He grips my arm before I reach the door. “Give me a chance.”
My muscles seize, tensing till they crack under his hold. And my agreement comes out in a croak.
“Fuck.” He lets me go. “Calm down. I’m not going to do anything.”
“And I’m not going to say anything.” I ache to reach for the door again, but I force myself to look at him. “There’s nothing left to say.”
He steps back, eyes darkening as he cocks his head and looks down on me. “You’re right. There’s nothing left to say because no one will believe you if you tried.”
I’m spinning, fighting to stay on my feet as I stand in front of his nasty sneer.
“But you know that, right? You heard that before? I talked to few people recently who told me all about you. You know the truth doesn’t matter, it only matters what people believe. And no one will believe you.” He turns quicker than I can follow, stepping to the door as it opens, “Rose, babe. I had to grab my clothes to change into. This room’s taken though, I’ve got to go somewhere else. Come with me.” He stops her from entering the room, and then he pulls the door closed behind them.
It springs back open and Jess steps through. “Hey you’re up? Feeling better?
“No.” I shake my head. “I need to lay down. I don’t want to stay here though.” I want to go home. I want to get out of here and be anywhere else.
“Where are you going to go?” She’s got a puzzled grin as she steps close to me.
“Home.” I take a breath, tears prickling my eyes as I look around the strange room. “I can’t go home either.”
“I think you’ve had too much to drink.” She pulls my hand, her outline blurring in my tears. “It happens sometimes. Here, lay down.”
I’m on the bed, then under the covers. “I can’t sleep here,” my protest is weak.
“Shhh, just relax,” she’s half giggling as she lies down with me. “Angel does this with me when I’m too drunk. I know the feeling, but really, you just need to sleep it off.”
“But TJ’s staying.” My breathing is strained, chest heaving.
“I’m sure they won’t wake you up.” She’s playing with my hair, and despite myself, my body is growing heavy, sinking deep into the covers.
The room turns, and I have to close my eyes. It only makes it worse. “It’s spinning.”
“Choose one thing and focus on it.” Jess’s voice is far away, but sweet and soothing.
I focus on the Tasmanian Devil on my nightstand, until I can’t make it out in my tears, a single thought repeating in my head.
I’m sorry, Daddy
“You stupid bitch.”
I jolt upright with a burning sting on my face, and cool air surrounds me as my sheets are ripped from the bed.
“Keep your hands to yourself.” Rose’s wrath is directed at me, but she’s being held back by Angel. “Dumb whore.”
“Calm down.” Angel has her in a tight hold from behind and is pulling her farther away.
I jump up, scanning the room as I catch my breath. Angel, Jess, and TJ are surrounding Rose. Scott stands in the doorway. The entire thing is one big confusing mess. And for a second, I’m convinced it’s a dream.
“Why?” Rose is yelling. “You were supposed to be my friend?”
“I didn’t…” I still can’t work it out, but I widen my jaw, stretching my stinging skin. Does she know about TJ? “What did I do?”
“Let go of me. I won’t touch her.” Rose jerks from Angel’s grip. “Your relationship goes to shit, so what? You try and take what I have? Or was it to make Andrew jealous?”
“I didn’t—”
She shrieks and lunges for me again. Scott’s there, stepping between us, saying something that’s washed out in Rose’s continuous yells.
“Get out,” she screams as TJ pulls her back. “I hate you. I hate you. I should have never trusted you. I should have believed what everyone said—including your own sister.”
“My sister?” Everything else drops away. The storm of her anger is ignored completely after she utters those words. “When did you see her?”
“Rose,” TJ calls her name like a warning.
“Fuck you. I’m not telling you anything. Get the hell away from me. Get out!”
“Come on.” Scott hooks his arm around me. “Give her some space to calm down.”
“What’s going on?” I question as he leads me from the room. “I didn’t do anything, he’s the one…” but I silence myself, we’re too far down the hall for them to hear anyways. And I’m still not sure what happened.
“She’s just drunk and over reacting.”
“What are you doing here?” People are in the hall, staring at me. I can still hear Rose yelling from our room, but don’t even try to understand the jumbled words.
“I came after that phone call. I wanted to check on you, but you were already asleep when I got here.”
“What happened?” The adrenaline I woke with is receding, leaving me shaky and drained. My face stings and pulses where she slapped me “She hit me while I was sleeping.”
He opens the door for me, and I follow him down the stairs, legs so unsteady, I’m thankful his arm is there for support.
“I’m not sure. Her and TJ were talking, and then she got up and charged in there,” he explains.
We step outside into the dark, and Scott drapes his rain coat over me, but I refuse to step. “What am I supposed to do?” I pat at my sides. “I left my keys. My phone.”
“My cars right over there.” He nods to the first lot. “Lets get you in, and I’ll go back for your things. All right?”
“I guess.” Everything is still so fuzzy, unreal, and dark. I sway on my feet as I think of any other options. But it’s the middle of the night, and I’m still drunk, and in front of a building filled with people that hate me for a reason I don’t even know.
“It’ll be okay.” Scott cups my face with his hands. “You’ll come back to my place for tonight, and in the morning, when everyone’s calmed down, you can talk to your roommate. Okay?”
I nod my head. But I know none of it is okay.
