Another night of angst, regret, and uncertainty. My words I spilled with no remorse sicken me. My limit has fractured. It finally cracked from continuous trauma and worry. I love Danny, but his job is a lifestyle I would be signing up for, and…I don’t love that part.
A part of me feels relieved, yet why do I feel destroyed?
Danny hasn’t reached out to me. It’s been a couple of days of long, lonely nights on the phone with Emilia and Meredith. I call them whenever I’m tempted to look for him instead. They stop me from running back to Danny when I crave him. I crave his scent, his arms…his everything.
It hurts so much.
So, I call my girlfriends.
Meredith is smitten by Kane. Every time we get on our girlfriends call, she goes on and on about how great he is in bed and how she doesn’t want this fling with him to end.
I don’t know what to say. He confessed he was in love with me a day before they started their relationship. And a part of me felt happy for her. And another small part of me felt weird about it and I was unsure of where it was coming from. There was a line drawn between Kane and I, and he made it hazy the night of our soccer game. I love Danny. But Kane…he’s everything good. And Danny…he’s the man I can’t stop thinking about.
But here I am, another night of junk food, wine, ice cream, and horror movies binging them all until I cry myself to sleep, because I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and call him. I want to swear off ever dating a Special Operator again.
Tomorrow is the military ball. The thought of dancing the night away with my 6’6 man appears in my mind, like a fantasy that won’t come true. He told me once that he doesn’t dance but for some reason, I think if I asked him to dance the night away with me at the ball, he wouldn’t say no.
I’m tucked underneath my velvet covers, watching Scream. It just started, and I’m rewatching it for the thousandth time. I take another swig from the wine bottle when I’m tempted to text Danny. I want to text him to come over when I hear three loud knocks on my door.
Drew Barrymore’s house phone rings and knocks on my door send me into a jump scare. I flicker my gaze at the door, then back to the TV. I almost spill wine all over my lap, gripping the glass tight as my nerves jolt through me, and I curse out loud to myself.
I look at the time on my cell-phone when I see it’s nearing midnight, and someone is at my door.
It has to be…Danny.
My heart skips a beat and my pulse awakens with hope.
I quickly fix my hair, tucking it behind my ears. Wiping away dried tears from my cheeks. I don’t bother pausing the movie as I throw my blankets off me and stand from the couch.
As soon as I take one step forward, I slant to the side.
Whoa.
I may be a little tipsy. I’m two wine bottles down and on my third. The world is buzzing, and I’m not sure how I’ll answer the door without slurring my words to my ex-boyfriend. Still, I have to try.
I stumble toward the door, ready to swing it open.
You can do this, you can face him.
I unlock my door, turning the lock sideways, and I’m prepared to meet light ocean eyes. But when the door opens, I see dashing, dark navy ones instead, on a beaming face.
Kane.
He’s standing there, with a bruised eye that’s slowly healing. His hands tucked into his pocket, shivering from the cold. I look around him, confused, searching for anyone else. I furrow my brows, my shoulders dropping when the reality hits that Danny still wants nothing from me after I said those horrid things to him.
“Oh, Kane? What? What’re you doing?” I slur, tightening my drop on the door. The trees that surround my house sway behind him. There’s a cold front that’s rolling in, and the temperature has dropped into the thirties already.
He shrugs, smirking. He looks me up and down and he’s suppressing a laugh, biting his knuckles. I’m in a Christmas onesie, with reindeer antlers on the hoodie.
“I came to see my favorite nurse…or should I say, my favorite reindeer?”
I cross my arms defensively. He’s one of the reasons why I’m in this predicament with Danny, and I’m not sure letting him in will do any good. It’ll make the lines more hazy…blurry. Tempting.
“Mr. Slaughter, at midnight?” Disappointment laced in my tone.
He shrugs again.
“Can I come in? It’s cold out here.” He motions toward the woods.
I bite my lip, looking at my living room TV, my messy couch, with a popcorn bowl and messy house. Usually, I clean like a neat maniac, and if there was one thing out of place, I go crazy, but lately, cleaning was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Sure…but my house is a mess.” I cave in and walk away, waving to him over my shoulder. “Just like my life.” I push open the door before I drag myself back to the living area.
I drop down on my couch, covering myself back up in blankets. Kane shuts the door behind him softly, following me to the couch. He sits at the other end. I inhale his risqué cologne as the air brushes in my direction, one cushion in between us.
“It’s not a mess, don’t say that. You could be me.”
I scoff, taking another gulp of wine.
“What’s so messy about yours?”
I swallow the sweet red wine down and glare at him.
But he doesn’t answer me. He stares at my throat, and his jaw flexes while he pops his fingers nervously. I can’t hold his gaze…my heart pounds and I turn back to the horror movie playing across the screen.
He follows my lead and watches the movie with me instead of answering me. A few minutes pass by before he breaks the silence.
“Shouldn’t you be watching Christmas movies? And not a movie about a guy in a mask who kills people?” He reaches for the bowl of popcorn in the middle of us and takes a handful of it, snacking on it.
“Christmas is over. What’re you doing here, Kane? Shouldn’t you be with Meredith? Or at work?” I snap.
He stiffens at my aggression. He blinks at me, and I sink deeper into the couch with guilt.
“Sorry…”
“It’s okay, Ari.” He shifts in his seat, taking off his jacket. The way his triceps flex as he pulls it off himself has me clearing my throat and focusing on Drew Barrymore getting chased instead. I blink away, sneaking in one more glance, then I’m furrowing my brows at the TV.
“I heard what happened. Meredith told me you and Grim ended things. And I guess I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I’m not leaving until you tell me you are. Is it true?” He folds his jacket over the couch arm. He arches a brow and my heart drops when he mentions him.
I nod, trying to fight the lump in my throat.
“Fuck…no wonder he hasn’t been answering anyone’s calls.”
“He hasn’t? Is he okay?” I rush out, sitting up.
Oh no. The last thing I want Danny to do is relapse and drink himself to the point of no return. I sit up, throwing the blankets off me once again.
I won’t let him do that to himself. My mind travels to the worst. I’m picturing him passed out, somewhere with no one, with a crap ton of empty whiskey bottles. Because of me. Because of what I said.
“I need to make sure he’s okay.” I stand, ready to find my car keys. But then Kane grabs my hand, stopping me.
“He’s fine. Rooker has been checking on him. He’s good.” he reassures me.
“Has he been getting…?” I can’t form the last word, but Kane finishes it.
“Drunk? No.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
I slouch back down the couch, my bangs get in my face and fear leaves my body.
“We all drink a lot…you know?” I turn to him as I hold my knees to my chin. “It’s not just Grim. Rooker drinks when his old lady isn’t around or when he’s with us. Lopez is married to his beer, and Creature…well, he’s just a maniac when it comes to whiskey, liquor or beer. Crazy ass was able to do the four horsemen at the bar without passing out or throwing up. It was impressive.”
“That’s insane.”
“He is insane…but anyway, what I’m trying to say is sometimes, it’s just easy for us to turn to it than to ask for help. Our jobs…”
“Your job isn’t easy, I know…but it isn’t right. Get help. There are programs, doctors, therapy. Lots of resources.” Kane looks away from me, glancing at his hands, like I scolded him and maybe I kind of did, but that was not my intention. I would never judge Danny or his team for dealing with their lives the best way they know how. “But I get it. I can’t imagine the things you’ve guys seen or had to do…I never want to see what you’ve witnessed or experienced. That’s why I don’t blame Danny for wanting to drink. Or if any of you guys want to let loose before missions or after them.”
Kane purses his lips, still popping his fingers, but doesn’t respond.
“Speaking of drinking, care to share?” he asks, grabbing the wine bottle from my hands, not bothering to wait for my answer. He eyes the label, looking at the brand and flavor, studying it and he licks his lips.
“Sweet red wine.” He lifts the bottom, then puts it to his lips, smirking at me through a devilish grin. “My favorite.”
I hadn’t noticed how close I sat down next to him until his big hand brushes against my thigh. I look down at his gesture and I stop breathing, something ignites inside me and when I catch the veins on his hand standing out, and something pulls at my strings.
I clear my throat, breaking the tension. He reads the room and removes his hand, giving me back the wine bottle instead.
“I should go.” He murmurs. He taps his finger on the arm of the couch and positions his feet to stand.
He should. He should go and stop showing up at my house like this. But…
Screw it. He’s always been there for me and my mother when my brother passed. Why stop him now? He’s doing what my big brother wanted him to do and I won’t fault him for that…ever.
“You can stay.” I give in to his need to watch over me. I guess I don’t want to be alone tonight, after all. Even if this might blur lines. He’s my friend, and this is what friends do.
I smile. “Just until the movie is over.”
