The shower hits my head as I coddle myself. I’m sitting in my bathtub, watching the water hit the tub. I’m holding my knees close to my chest, shaking from the cold.
I managed to move into a little cottage home right after we left the hospital, deep into North Carolina woods, and I was growing used to it. A big milestone achieved, but I couldn’t celebrate it.
My scars are still reddish-purple since they’re still so fresh. Shane will always haunt me. Even though he’s dead, he’s left his mark on my body, and I resent it.
My mind has traveled to the darkest places since my near-death experience. I haven’t been eating. I’ve been sleeping more than usual and having nightmares where I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, and my heart thunders against my bones.
Danny hasn’t tried touching me. He hasn’t tried to push me to do anything even though a part of me wants him to, but I know myself too well… I’m not ready. He knows it.
We both know it.
It’s been two months since my attack, and I will have to start work again. Although Danny wants me to stay home so I can recover longer. He’s offered to take care of me in every which way I need, and that means everything to me.
He means everything to me.
He also doesn’t want to let me out of his sight. He’s been sleeping at my place every night, holding me when I wake with my terrors.
A part of me is angry at Danny. I was angry at him because I didn’t know who else to blame.
I’m angry at the world.
Angry at myself.
I have a huge part in everything that’s happened this year.
I went against my religion, the views I treasured so much. I have sinned more than I should have this year, and maybe that’s why I sit here, numb with self-doubt, grieving my brother and child.
Is God punishing me?
I gave myself to Danny because a part of me didn’t believe in God anymore after Paul died. My view of Catholicism changed after his death because why would God let this happen to a man like him?
I wanted to explore.
What does Ari want?
The day I met Danny…it felt like fate, and I couldn’t resist the sinfully handsome man in front of me. I was eager to join him in his world and unveil the new era I wanted to evolve into.
A woman unafraid of the consequences.
Now, I feel like God has punished me deeply for indulging in the temptations I craved deep down inside me.
Now look at me.
My shower curtains open, and I don’t even flinch. I know who it is. Even though I had locked the doors to my house, Danny has a key. He’s been at work all day, and it’s late at night.
I feel a blip of happiness whenever he’s around because I know that I’ll be okay. I know he wouldn’t let anyone or anything hurt me. I love him so much, but I haven’t been myself lately. I can’t greet him. My head doesn’t turn, and my tongue doesn’t move. My grief paralyzing me, forcing me to keep watching the water go down the drain in circles.
“Baby, the water is freezing.” He’s shocked when he realizes I’m bathing in devastatingly cold water, and he moves fast when he discovers I’m soaking in it. He reaches over and shifts the temperature to warmer quickly. Turning the metal knob with determination, I hear his hands grasping it tight, and the metal squeaks.
My eyes never leave the bottom of the tub. I shift my vision slightly, watching the water crash against the floor, hearing it splatter harshly. I’ve lost myself completely in these emotions, anchoring me down since the attack. At this moment, I can feel nothing but pain from losing myself.
I’m trembling from the cold and don’t have the energy to care. My body is full of goosebumps and raised hair follicles. My hands and feet are purple, and shaking from the cold water I’ve been bathing in for the past forty-five minutes, but I don’t care enough to help myself.
I don’t care about a lot of things lately. I can’t feel anything either.
I still shake as I hold my knees to my chest, naked. My hardened nipples graze my knees.
“D-did y-you k-know?” I ask, emotionless, my teeth chattering through every word I’ve forced out from the piercing cold that fills me. My jaw was tempted to lock on itself completely. My body shakes as I clench my arms on both sides, digging my nails into my skin.
“Know what, Ari?” He’s concerned, and this is a new side of Danny. He’s changed so much in amazing ways since I first met him. He has let himself be vulnerable around me. He finally let me into his world. Still, I feel too damaged, too traumatized to enjoy our growing relationship. I’m so proud of the man he’s becoming. I knew he had this side of him all along, hidden under layers of darkness. That’s why I fell so hard, blindly.
I turn to him. He’s dressed in black—a black sweater, dark jeans, and boots.
It’s December, just a few days away from my birthday…and Paul’s death anniversary, and I’m bathing in freezing water, yet I still can’t feel anything…but pain.
Finally, I’m able to croak out with a broken voice.
“Y-you w-were r-right, Danny.” I stare straight into his weary eyes now, slowly blinking through heavy, soaked eyelashes, and he has his full attention on me. I frown, looking at his chest moving up and down with each deep, slow breath he takes, my lips shaking, and my eyes squint through the water, hitting my face.
He’s apprehensive.
His face is blurry as the shower water and tears corrupt my vision, but I can still see him, see through him.
“It was a boy.” I cry loudly, sucking in the air as my voice twitches with despair. “We had a son.” My voice cracks, and I inhale another deep breath after the last word leaves my mouth. My eyebrows narrow at him restlessly. An attack of pure agony and desperation unfolds throughout my body like wildfire, and there’s no fucking stopping it.
“Ari,” Danny consoles me, his voice deep and concerned. He leans forward, steps into the shower with me, and positions himself behind me, slowly and carefully. He’s still fully clothed and sits in the tub with me. I’m crying uncontrollably into my knees while he pulls me toward him between his legs. He’s getting himself all wet; his clothes get soaked in seconds. As he holds me, I drag my hands around his dampening black shirt.
He strokes my wet hair, and I hug him tight.
I discovered our baby’s gender at the hospital before I was discharged, but I never said a word. I needed time to process everything, and finding out I had a son was another blow to what could have been. The little family we were supposed to have.
When Danny left to shower at home and face the curiosity of his parents about how they didn’t know he had a girlfriend, nevertheless a pregnant one, I asked the doctors to let me see him. Hold the baby I lost. I’ve been holding it inside all this time and can’t do it anymore.
I’ll never get to hold my son as he coos in my hands, scrunching his butt out as all newborns do when they stretch.
This hurts so much.
“We had a son,” I repeat, holding Danny tighter until I can’t breathe. I claw my hands into his shirt, looking for some release from this unbearable pain. When will it stop? What did I do to deserve this?
He consoles me, rubbing my arms, embracing me closer, and kissing my cheek. It’s rare, but I’m growing used to it.
“I don’t have a baby inside of me anymore. I used to say good morning to him every day, but now I can’t. I have to grieve for my brother and now my son, too?!” I shout. “This isn’t fair, Danny. Why is this happening? Please make it stop.” I protest to God, no longer speaking to Danny. I yell at the ceiling as if he can hear my declarations.
“Everything will be okay, Ari. I know it’s not right now…but someday, everything will be okay, I promise you.”
