Ari fell asleep on my chest in the bathtub after asking me the same questions over and over again.
“Why Danny? Why us? Why our baby?”
I carried her naked body, dried her up, and clothed her in her favorite pajamas. She’s now in bed, sleeping harder than I’ve ever seen her do.
Nothing has ever made me feel like this.
No one has.
I fear nothing.
I’m calm, collected, quiet even.
But seeing my little angel like this…it kills me.
Something’s different about me. Something inside me has changed, but I don’t resent it this time.
I welcome it.
I’m leaning in the doorway, watching her. My arms are crossed against my chest, one leg over the other, watching her take slow, deep, and steady breaths.
If I had only killed Shane the night before he and Nora attacked her, Ari would still be pregnant. She would still be carrying our son. And she wouldn’t have had to go through this darkness.
Ari’s mother would be okay.
She begged me not to go that night. She begged me to stay the night I discovered he had continued to screw with her.
I’ll always do what she asks because she is my weakness. There’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for her. I’ll cross every fucking line, I’ll break all the rules, I’ll drown in her love.
I’ll die for her.
Still…
I will never forgive myself for not getting to Shane sooner. First, Paul, and now this?
When I killed Shane, the police cleared me of any wrongdoing after a thorough investigation, and I wasn’t charged. However, Nora will be imprisoned for the rest of her life.
Our son is gone, and I feel like pieces of me are forever gone with him. I thought I didn’t want kids.
I thought I would be a horrible father. I also didn’t want to raise them in a fucked-up world like this. Evil people like Shane lurk here, and he took away our innocent child.
I didn’t want kids because I felt it was even more selfish of me to put them through an absent father. I will be absent because of my job. I’m always doing shit that could kill or injure me physically.
I’m already disturbed mentally.
But my God, how I wanted my son.
I wanted to be a father to the little boy we lost.
I’ll forever regret the night I exposed classified information to Ari about her brother’s death.
But not because I broke the rules.
Not because I told her the truth she deserved to know.
Because of the shit I said.
For the first time in my life, I reacted to emotions that night, something I never do. I reacted because of the drunken rage I had bottled up inside. I told her things…all the things that permanently pull at my sanity.
And now, I will make it up to her every day of my life. From the moment I wake until the day Death comes to collect my soul.
If I’m going to be a father, there’s no other woman in this world I want to have a child with besides my little angel.
Our baby was a blessing I didn’t know I needed or deserved.
I had a blip of happiness watching Ari grow into a woman who carried a part of me and her inside her.
Every time I think of that day, I’m angry with myself and have the urge to drink again, empty every whiskey bottle I own in my house until I can’t feel anything.
But I’m learning to stay away from drowning in alcohol. I promised Ari I would control myself and intend to keep that promise. I’m still a whiskey man, but I would control the amounts I consume.
I’ve fallen for her. I’m obsessed with keeping her safe, and I’ll make sure of it for the rest of my days.
I brush my hand through my beard, deep into my thoughts, still watching her sleep. She’s underneath her light sage green blankets, and she looks comfortable. I’m about to climb into bed with her, but I wanted to burn one outside before joining her. I reach into my pockets, holding my pack of cigarettes, hesitant to pull them out.
She’s helped heal my traumas…
I feel like a new man, and it’s because of her.
She is my safe haven. She is the sanctuary I didn’t see coming.
My chest tightens with unwavering pain as the moment I found out my child was gone catches up to me, and there’s no escaping it…no whiskey to fog it away, and it consumes me.
I sit alone in the waiting room, and I can’t stay still.
I loathe hospitals. The cold temperature makes it feel unwelcoming; the atmosphere is full of dread, the environment chaotic.
The only reason I like them now is because Ari works in one, and when I step into the one she works at, I get to see her in her cute little scrubs, helping people.
Saving them.
I rejected any treatment until I discovered Ari would be okay. There’s no way in hell I’m letting any other doctor or nurse touch me without knowing her condition. Ari’s mom was being evaluated still, but so far she was okay—nothing too serious.
My knee bounces with unease. Every second feels like an hour, and I keep checking my watch as if that would make time pass by faster.
Kane keeps blowing up my phone, text after text, so I shut it off. I squeeze the off button on the side of my phone so hard it turns off in seconds and shove it back into my pocket.
I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t even fucking breathe because I’m not holding her in my arms, watching the eyes I love so much sparkle.
I knew she fell hard for me when we first met…and now she’s all I think about, from the moment I wake up until the second I fall asleep, all I see is her.
I will set the whole world on fire if she dies on me.
There is no me without her.
She has my pathetic, blackened soul wrapped around her wings.
And there’s no coming back from this.
A tap on my shoulder makes me flinch, and I stand from my chair like it’s vital.
I turn around to meet the trauma doctor who’s treating Ari.
His expression is weightless.
Nothing behind a cold stare, and I can’t fucking tell what his following words will be.
My heart is pounding, and I grow impatient the longer he deadpans.
“Mr. Rider.” His voice is unemotional.
“Tell me she’s alive.” I demand him to give me the answer I need to live.
“She’s alive.” His voice is crisp and concise, as if he’s purposefully speaking every word thoroughly to ensure I understand the situation.
When he says that, my whole body transits to relief. I heave out a heavy exhale and relax my shoulders.
“She will be able to recover fully, although we don’t know when she will wake up. Could be in a few hours, could even be days.”
“Days?”
He nods.
“I need to see her. I need to see her now.” I step forward, headed toward the room I last saw her in, not caring if he stops me. No one will stop me from being there for her and our baby.
He grabs my arm, and I tense up my bicep, looking at him with murderous eyes.
If he thinks—
“She’s not in her room, Mr. Rider.” He lets go of my arm, and I raise my brow.
“What the fuck do you mean?” I snarl.
“She’s still in surgery…she—” He clears his throat and softens his tone, finally revealing some emotion, and I’m bracing myself.
This can’t mean…
“The baby did not survive. Too much blood loss. She’s in surgery so we can deliver your son…I-I’m sorry for your loss.” Each word that comes out of his mouth is sharp, cutting me more profoundly than the scars on my body ever did…leaving me in shock. There are no words that I’m able to form, and my brows narrow furiously as the hospital gets tuned out, slowly. I rub my temples, shaking my head.
My son…I have a boy.
“He’s gone?” I choke out, trying to stop the lump in my throat from forming.
I’m breathing, but I feel like I just died.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, making the memory vanish as quickly as it was triggered. I stand straight, leaning forward and take my eyes off my little angel.
I took a leave of absence after everything went down. I still have some time left before it’s back to deployments, long workdays, and missions.
It’s the first time I’ve done that…the first time in years that I’ve taken a leave of absence. Work has always been my only priority, but not anymore.
I take my phone out of my pocket and see it’s from the team. The group chat is going off again, and I know it’s bad news if it won’t stop. I take a deep breath before I read the texts.
Rooker: Sorry to disrupt your leave like this, but Admiral Ravenmore wants all executioners on a Face Cam right now. It’s important.
Shit.
I open up my laptop in Ari’s living room. I set down my thin black device on her wooden coffee table. Her house is a one-floor-only cottage home a few miles from mine. I helped her move everything into her home, even though I insisted she stay at my place. Lately, my little angel has become so fragile I’m afraid if I touch her, she’ll have an anxiety attack. I don’t want to push her for more until she’s ready, even though I’m dying to feel her the way I desire to.
I’ve wanted to devour her every single day and night, but can’t bring myself to do it. My way of loving her in the bedroom hasn’t changed, and I know she’s not ready.
I’ll be patiently waiting until the time is right.
I hop into the group call, and everyone’s already waiting for me.
Admiral Ravenmore, Rooker, Kane, and Lopez sit in their homes, each with a different background.
Admiral Ravenmore speaks first. “Grim, we’re pleased to see you’re doing okay. My condolences.”
I grind my teeth, and my soul blackens with anger. He hasn’t called once or texted me personally to express any empathy. He only cares if I’m alive and ready to return to work.
I look down at the coffee table and grab my glass of whiskey I had poured myself before I jumped into the call. I take a sip, giving him a nod of acknowledgment.
“How’s Ari doing?” Kane asks.
My eyebrows raise at the mention of my girl’s name, and I already want to cut throats.
I look at Kane through the screen; he’s eager to know the answer, fidgeting in his chair.
“She’s doing the best she can right now.” I look away from the screen as I pop my fingers. “I don’t want to talk about this. Please respect our privacy,” I demand through my rugged demeanor.
“Say no more,” Admiral interrupts.
Kane’s expression stutters and his face drops. He thinks I don’t know…but I do.
“Well, boys, I called you in tonight because we’re receiving threats. Gravely, dangerous impending threats that the Navy doesn’t take lightly. That the President of the United States takes very seriously. It’s top secret, and you guys have special clearance to this information because it specifically deals with your entire team,” Admiral Ravenmore says. “Remember the mission the night Paul died?”
We nod.
“Yes, sir,” Rooker tells him.
“The number one most wanted man on the terrorist list who escaped that night has come back to haunt us.”
I freeze in my chair.
“What the fuck? Forgive me, Sir, for the profanity, but…what the fuck?” Lopez asks.
“How?” Kane asks.
“Well, sons, there’s another thing. Remember the mission where Damon Hawk was found dead in Iraq?” Ravenmore continues, and I can feel myself dreading the information.
“Grim Reaper, here, killed his only son that night. The man you killed when you engaged in hand-to-hand combat? That was him. That was his only son, so he’s doing everything he can to avenge his death.” He shifts in his seat nonchalantly and intertwines his fingers. “He’s been gathering an entire army and threatening to find you. He is even putting a bounty on your head. A hundred million dollars if someone kills the Grim Reaper. They’ve got their nickname for you. They want to kill Death, they say. They say they want to kill the one that looks like the reaper.”
“I’d love to see them try.” I smirk wickedly. I place the glass between my lips, letting my favorite amber poison roll down my throat. They think they can kill me; well, that’s just too fucking cute.
“Hooyah,” Rooker roars in agreement, getting anxious in his seat.
“So what does this all mean?” Kane asks.
“It means they want to bring the war to us, son. Intel has got a hold of some disturbing information. They’re already lurking inside the United States looking for you, Grim. Stay alert. I need the team to stay grounded in North Carolina in case of more threats. Only need-to-know personnel know about these threats because we don’t want to cause a panic in this country.”
“Holy shit, it’s that serious?” Lopez exclaims.
“I’m dead serious, son. They’re out to get all of you, specifically Grim and anyone that stands in their way.”
“Operations have changed to stateside for the time being. Is that what you’re saying?” I ask.
“Exactly. No out-of-the-country deployments for now. This team has been granted special clearance for CONUS operations. But, Grim, there’s more.”
More? How much more could there be?
“Make sure you keep your family close when you can, but also express the seriousness of their discretion. Stay close to them whenever you’re not at work. These evil motherfuckers won’t hesitate to use the ones you love and care about the most to get to you. To find you.”
I look around, making sure Ari can’t hear any of this. She doesn’t need more stress added to her plate right now…because of my job.
“I know, Sir. I know how this all works. You don’t need to tell me twice.” I clench my jaw. I’m coming off rude, but I know how this protocol works. I’ve been in for fifteen years already.
I look at my phone, turning it on to look at my screensaver. It’s a picture of Ari and me on the Black Hawk helicopter. I took a photo of us before it took off. She was in her scrubs, cuddled against me, her hand on my chest, smiling brightly. It’s my favorite picture of her.
This means they’ll be coming after my family…they’ll be coming after my little angel.
I won’t be able to keep this secret with me forever. But if my silence about the dangers at hand can help her worry less, then I’ll keep it to myself. I’ll worry about it. I’ve carried weight like this on my shoulders my entire life. I need to take care of her…in the ways that I know how.
“One more thing, boys,” Admiral Ravenmore continues to spill information, and I wonder when this meeting will fucking end.
I need to make sure I’m in her bed because it’s not a matter of “if” Ari wakes up with a night terror; it’s when. I need to be there, so she knows I’m never leaving her again. I will be there to console her back to sleep, feeling her heartbeat against my chest until she’s okay again.
“Daegan Hannibal, Operator Creature, will be a new asset to the team, Executioners. Welcome him with open arms.”
Rooker’s eyes widen, and it looks like he just saw a ghost.
“Creature? You’re talking about the SEAL that broke records for distance. The deadliest sniper in the entire military?” Lopez blurts out with an ecstatic tone. I look at his side of the camera, and he shifts in his seat, elated with a huge grin. The cowboy from Texas jolts with curiosity like a fan, but I’m impassive. Another team member I’m in charge of…responsible for.
“Yes. That’s exactly who I mean. He’s…special, to say the least. He’s a little off, but nonetheless, he shows immense promise. He doesn’t say or talk much, but he always places the job and mission first, so I expect him to thrive. He always does in every situation he’s been put in.”
“With all due respect, Sir, I’m still on leave and need to go, so let’s cut to the chase,” I interrupt, looking straight at Ravenmore’s green, dull eyes, tightening my lips. He’s unbothered by my honesty, and at this point, almost fifteen years in, he’s not surprised. I’m in no mood nor interested in getting to know Creature’s backstory. This is just another operator attached to my team. I can bother with the details later.
“When does this take effect?” I start to pack my cigarettes against my thigh.
“Immediately,” Ravenmore replies.
