“I’m glad you’re doing better, Ari. You’ve had the worst possible year. I won’t be leaving for vacation again anytime soon,” Emilia says while hugging me.
We’re all at my house having a girls’ night before I have to start work again. It’s been two months since the attack and I feel weird. Like I’m not entirely healed. I keep having nightmares of a Grim Reaper whispering the same eerie words to me almost every night. I still haven’t told Danny anything.
“At least he’s dead now and can’t hurt you again,” Meredith chimes in.
“Danny killed him,” I murmur.
“Damn. A man that literally would kill for you. He’s a keeper.” She raises her eyebrows, shrugging her shoulders in awe.
“He is.” I purse my lips, the emotions getting to me. I feel like I’m about to fall apart again. I bounce my foot up and down, holding my blanket tighter.
“What is it, sweetie?” Emilia grips my shoulder.
They turn toward me, and I feel like I’m about to explode and let my intrusive thoughts win.
“I love him. I’m so fucking in love with him,” I confess with a tear falling out of my eye.
“That’s a good thing, sweetie, don’t cry,” Emilia says.
I shake my head. Guilt creeps into my chest. I’m so in love with him even though he hasn’t said it. He doesn’t have to…but still. I’d like to hear those three words from the man who infuriates me.
“I’m also incredibly angry with him.”
“What? Why?” Meredith flinches, her tone baffled.
I look around my living room for the right words to say.
Danny was called into work for an emergency. His leave had just ended, and the military wasted no time jam-packing his schedule. They canceled his deployment for unknown reasons that he couldn’t tell me.
“This might be wrong of me, but I just feel like maybe he shouldn’t have started a war with Shane. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t met Nora?”
I look at them with widened eyes, confused by my admission. I’m hurt, angry because I keep replaying what I could have done for my baby to remain alive. “It’s all my fault or maybe it’s his.”
“Or maybe it’s no one’s fault. Not his, not yours. Girl, don’t do that. Please don’t do that to yourself and don’t do that to him. He was protecting you that night at El Devine. This might be harsh, but I don’t care. I’m your best friend, and you need to listen to me sometimes even though I can be a dumb ass myself. Would things have turned out differently if Paul was still here? Because he would have killed Shane that night at El Devine. And it would have been Paul starting a war.”
Emilia studies me. She’s looking at me to see if I’ll break, but I won’t. I won’t ever break again. I won’t ever let another man or woman hurt me again.
“You’re right. I know, but there’s something else.” I sigh.
Meredith’s eyes pop open, gawking at me as if I just slapped the side of her head.
“Oh God, like what?” Meredith shouts, annoyed, smacking her teeth and narrowing her brows at me. Her wine glass jolts, and it almost spills over.
We sit silently for a few seconds when a smile pulls at my lips, curving into a smirk.
A laugh escapes me uncontrollably through every breath that leaves my body, and then Emilia joins in, laughing harder.
“Like damn, how much more could there be?! Like, fuck. Your whole life sounds like a thriller movie lately,” Meredith complains through smiles.
“I know, I know…but the thing is, I can’t help but feel like he’s keeping something from me. Like a secret.”
“You think he’s cheating on you? That fucking bastard—” I cut Emilia off before her mind travels to the worst.
“No! That’s not it!” I cut in, covering Emilia’s mouth.
I trust Danny in that way. I trust him with my entire life. He would never cheat on me or betray me.
“Then what is it?” Emilia puts her hand on her waist impatiently.
I lick my lips, unsure of how to say it. I’m not ready to talk about my near-death experience. I’m not prepared to talk about losing my son. And I am not willing to talk about the hallucination just yet.
“I don’t know, but I will find out.”
It’s eleven at night, and I’m playing fucking soccer while listening to Mana on my earphones.
My little cottage house sits on three acres of land. It doesn’t come with a fence. Thick trees and bushes surround my new home, like a cabin in the woods, and it’s cozy.
Danny hasn’t returned home from work. He said he would as soon as he could leave but that something horrible was unfolding and he would fill me in in the morning. He said he’d probably come back at three a.m.
I can’t sleep when he’s not home. I’ve grown so used to being in his arms, falling asleep in them every night, that I felt like I had to distract myself from the depression that threatened to take over me every day.
Danny set up a net between two trees in my backyard so I could play whenever I felt up to it. It’s my first time trying it out, and he built it just right.
It’s dark, the night freezing, and I can see my breath as I breathe heavily into the icy crisp air. My birthday is tomorrow, followed by Paul’s death anniversary soon.
I’m wearing a jacket and thin sports leggings that hug my legs. Perfect to run around in and kick a soccer ball.
My feet crunch over frozen sparkling ice that has taken over my entire lawn. That happens in the winter in North Carolina sometimes.
I feel relief knowing I can do things like this again. When Shane was alive, I feared for my life every day. I was on edge every second and now I’m starting to feel free again, but he took something from me. Something I’ve dreamed about since I was a little girl. To become a mother.
Danny and I haven’t talked about it too much. It’s too painful for me, but I do want children again, even though I’m not ready to have sex just yet. Maybe I’ll revisit the possibility of getting pregnant later.
The thought of losing my baby sends my anger boiling hard, ready to burst through.
“He’s not capable of love.” Nora’s voice echoes in my head, loud and clear. Her vicious words are a reminder of the man I’m in love with. Flashes of her broken soul like a slideshow, take over me.
My nostrils flare, and I scrunch my nose when the memories of Shane and Nora stabbing me return. A thick blade appears, waving back and forth in front of my face, inside my body…
Hot air runs through my nose, and I kick my soccer ball so hard that I miss the net, hitting the tree’s thick bark instead. It spirals out of control, striking right back so fast I move out of the way just in time and it flies behind me.
It lands in a tall man’s hands. Hands that aren’t Danny’s but are familiar.
It’s Kane.
I squint at him, ensuring he’s actually there, and sure enough, it’s him. He stands tall in a dark gray beanie and a black leather jacket, with a playful expression. He looks good…I shake myself out of that thought.
What the hell is he doing here?
I pull out my earphones and look around, worried. Is he here with Danny? Is he back home?
“Hey there, what’d the soccer ball ever do to you?” he says with a welcoming, heartwarming smile.
“Kane… I-I, uh, what are you doing here?”
He walks toward me, and I’m still shocked, even a little scared, so I take a step back. I’m extra cautious nowadays.
I’m thrown off by the sudden visitation.
How does he know where I live?
I don’t take surprises like this too well since I experienced a horrific stalker like Shane.
With every stride he takes, getting closer to me, I swallow. I swear I feel a spark in my chest and internally refrain from feeling anything more.
He towers over me, handing me back the ball. I grab it from him, but it does something when our hands touch. I didn’t mean for our fingers to collide. I try to pry the ball back from his hands, but he gives my hand a tiny squeeze before he lets go of it.
He clears his throat, looking down at me.
“I couldn’t sleep. I haven’t seen you since…” he trails off.
“Since I almost died?” I finish for him.
He swallows nervously, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob up and down.
“Well, not almost. You did die.”
I let out a heavy breath. I don’t want to revisit this.
“So you thought you could stalk me instead because you couldn’t sleep? How do you even know where I live?”
He lets out a sigh.
“I helped move all your stuff in, remember?”
I had already forgotten. Everything has been a fog since I lost my baby.
God, I’m losing it.
“Right…”
“Ari. We made a promise. All the guys did. Paul’s team and Grim’s. Rooker, Danny, and I. We all promised Paul we would watch over you if he died. Didn’t Danny tell you that?”
This is the first time I’ve heard this. Danny told me he made a promise but never said what or to whom.
Danny hasn’t told me a lot of things.
I shake my head, leaning on my hip and dropping the ball.
“A promise?”
He nods.
“Damn it, Paul.”
“Hey, he was just trying to be a protective older brother. You can’t fault him for that,” Kane defends him.
I shake my head, lost in thought. It definitely sounds like something Paul would do.
“So then, where’s Rooker? He’s not going to show up at my house in the middle of the night, too, is he?”
He chuckles. It’s deep and—
Crap, I can’t be thinking these things.
“Nope. At least, I don’t think so.”
“So, then what? What kind of guy shows up at my house in the middle of the night if not a stalker?” I sit in the grass, getting comfortable, crossing my legs.
He walks closer and then sits next to me.
“Someone who cares about you deeply.” He gives me another delightful smile. His shoulder brushes against me, and I have to force myself to look away from him. The way he’s looking at me…it’s the way Danny looks at me. And darn it. I miss when Danny looks at me like this because it means seconds later, he would end up deep inside of me, and we’d devastatingly devour each other…for hours.
“Look, I know I shouldn’t be here, but I don’t get much out of Danny. The man keeps shit inside. He won’t tell me how you guys are really doing. So, I thought I’d check up on you. The middle of the night isn’t the best time, so please forgive me, but I needed to see with my own eyes that you’re okay.”
I scoff, rolling my eyes. I’m bitter, but I don’t care.
“Well, I’m not. I’m not okay, but maybe I will be with time.”
Kane licks his lips, nodding his head, and looks away from me. We both grow silent, and I’m at a loss for words. My hands grow cold since I’m no longer moving around. He shouldn’t be here. This is wrong. If Danny finds out he’s here, I’m pretty damn sure he wouldn’t like it.
“Why aren’t you at work…with Danny?”
His dark blue gaze pierces me, then flicks to my lips. I suck in a breath when I watch him watch me. Finally, he grabs the ball from my hands and stands.
“Admiral Ravenmore only wanted Grim to come in tonight. When you’re the most distinguished lethal man with the most kill count in the entire United States military, and I’m talking all branches combined, the work just never stops. There’s always going to be work that needs to get done. Work that not just anybody can do.”
I raise my eyebrows. I mean, I knew Danny had impacted the military community, but damn. This explains a lot. It gives me an insight into everything he’s been through. But I know this is just one reason for all of his darkness.
Constant deployments?
Constant missions?
Constant death?
This is what he only knows.
“How long has he been in?” I ask, standing too.
Kane looks at me like he wants to bite his tongue, but continues, anyway.
“Since he was eighteen.”
My mouth gapes open.
“That’s absolutely insane. Eighteen years old?”
“Yeah, I’ve known Danny for years now. I met him about six years ago. He has taught me a lot. I’m a better SEAL because of him. I will always have respect for him. Though…I’m amazed he hasn’t gotten out yet. I’m damn ready to pull the plug after my contract ends in a few months.”
“You are?” I’m shocked at his admission. Danny has told me time and time again his job comes first before anything or anyone else. Kane is the complete opposite of Danny. Danny loves his job. It’s what he enjoys. From what I know about him, being a Navy SEAL is where he thrives.
Kane nods, dropping the soccer ball on the ground. He steps on it with one foot, holding it in place.
“All of this shit, Ari…” He stops and shakes his head as he looks at the stars in the sky. “Can I be honest with you?” he pleads.
“Of course.”
He sighs, letting out a breath, and I can see the vapor from his warmth linger in the air as he turns back. He looks like he’s hurting. He’s always been there for me since Paul passed, so it’s the least I can do for him.
“All of these missions, seeing the lengths evil wars can bring. It’s getting to me.” He lets out a short, sarcastic laugh that disguises his true feelings. “Sometimes, I just lose myself in random moments. I’ll find myself just staring at the wall, thinking about my past deployments for a while, not realizing an hour has been wasted…staring at a fucking wall.”
I bite the inside of my lip. It gets to Danny, too, and that’s why he drinks. He promised me he wouldn’t get drunk again, and I believe him. He keeps proving that to me every single day. He hasn’t gotten drunk since the night he confessed the details of Paul’s death.
“Talk to someone then, Kane. Talk to someone in psychiatry, a therapist even. They have a lot of resources and options at the hospital I’m working at on base.”
He shrugs and stands in silence, watching me.
“I think I would just like to play soccer with you for a bit, if that’s okay?”
This feels wrong, but I try not to read more into this. I’m just playing soccer with one of Paul’s best friends. Danny’s teammate. At midnight.
What could go wrong?
I shrug, and my body jolts forward, kicking the ball from underneath his massive foot, dribbling it to the soccer net.
“Sure, but you’re going to get your butt kicked by someone a whole foot shorter than you.”
