The kids went to get cleaned up when Margie informed us that Rodney may not be coming back because his mother wanted to move out of state with her boyfriend. We talked over different scenarios but knew that ultimately it would be the mother’s choice.
The situation weighed on our minds the whole ride home.
When we got back to my apartment, Katie and I let Vick turn on the TV and indulge in her favorite guilty pleasure—celebrity gossip. She turned up Entertainment Tonight, but I barely listened as the host droned on and on.
That was until the screen showed the same dark vehicle I always saw on the same damn road in my nightmares. They showed a scene that had my stomach twisting in knots, bottoming out, and then rolling down a hill collecting more and more anger.
I blinked and then blinked again.
Surely, I was imagining that damn SUV.
I tried to rationalize that maybe Jax hadn’t meant what he said, and he really wouldn’t have gone.
Not after kissing me.
Not after helping me with my class.
Not after he’d been nice enough to get me tea.
I blinked, slower this time. So slow that I commended myself on the control of the movement.
Me. That is who I can control.
I sighed and let the anger roll on in. As the truth washed over me, I rolled my lips between my teeth and tried not to scream. I coiled control around the truth and the anger and the hurt. I wrapped it up tight and double knotted it, hoping it would hold.
When they cut to commercial, after promising to reveal who was in the SUV and where he was going when they returned, Vick turned to me. “Do you think …”
“Don’t ask the obvious, Vick,” Katie sighed.
“Maybe it’s someone else,” she tried.
The coils strained a little at her comment.
I normally welcomed Vick’s unwavering optimism of love or at least ignored it. She nudged Jax and I together ever since she’d heard my story. “He was your hero,” she would say or, “He has to still love you,” or “Just see where it goes.”
I always rolled my eyes, but now, I realized I had secretly wanted to believe her.
I’d walked out onto the battlefield wearing a target, waving for him to take his shot. I’d opened my arms to it and let my damn guard down.
The coils tightened even more. “It isn’t someone else,” I stated.
Katie grabbed the remote to turn it off.
Was she serious? She, of all people, wanted to shield me now?
I lunged for it. “Oh no! I’m going to watch every minute. You should want me to considering …” I stopped, trying so hard not to let my friends have it. My anger wasn’t for them.
“Considering what?” Katie asked, her eyes narrowing a little.
I looked up at the ceiling and imagined that ceiling coming down on my anger. It was all part of controlling it and keeping it bottled up.
“Nothing. Nothing,” I sighed. “It’s the SUV, you guys. And it’s the road.”
Vick squinted at the screen as if willing it to show us something better. “If that’s true, I’m sorry, Brey.”
My jaw clenched. I hated that he’d done this. I was that dumb little bug, always drawn to the light that zapped and stung when touched.
Jax was my light.
And he’d burned me again.
God, I kissed him, let him get me off.
“You what?” Vick screeched.
Katie’s eyes popped open wide in disbelief.
“I what?” I jumped.
“You just said you kissed him.”
“Shoot,” I mumbled, realizing I had thought out loud.
Neither of my friends knew what to say. Even Vick, who knew what to say to everything, couldn’t come up with a comment.
I turned up the volume and paced as the commercials ended. “I mean, he can exercise with me, act like we’re getting to know each other again, help me study, and …”
“And kiss you?” Katie added.
I waved her off. “And go visit him again.”
The host smiled like he was about to share America’s biggest secret with us. “Jax Stonewood, on his way to visit his one and only prisoner friend. We’ve seen it before, guys. Now, we have a bigger scoop. We asked sources to share with us why Jax would have any contact with someone behind bars. Turns out he is still visiting the infamous Frank Whitfield, his former next door neighbor. It has been speculated that Jax now believes Mr. Whitfield may be innocent and he looks up to the former businessman and investor. We’re told they now have investments together. Or maybe, he’s visiting him because he’s been spending time with someone new.”
Suddenly a picture of us flashed on the screen. We looked like we were enjoying a jog together when we’d really been running to get away from the paparazzi.
“Is that Frank Whitfield’s daughter? Jay’s on-and-off-again girlfriend? You decide!”
The ringing in my ears started soft as I saw the percent of people voting.
As the numbers rose, the ringing raged, and my vision blurred with a tinge of red.
The coils dug in hard to the anger, trying desperately to hold the beast it had become.
Katie stood in front of me, calling him names while Vick’s melodic voice sounded like it was trying to soothe me.
I didn’t hear their words though.
This had happened before.
They tried the same words to soothe me, but this time was different.
This time, Jax had woven himself into my life again.
I didn’t need to hear what Vick and Katie were saying. I knew the dialogue. I knew exactly how their faces would look. I knew they would run out and get me wine and ice cream. I knew my friends were here for me.
I just didn’t know how to keep my rage coiled and compress it enough so that I could control the fireball it had become since seeing him.
I could have screamed. I could have thrown a fit. I could have gone off the deep end and called him to confront him immediately.
Instead, the fireball choked me as it bubbled up into my throat. It burned and clawed its way up, trying to make its way out of me in a scream. I shut my eyes so hard, I saw spots behind my lids. When I opened them, they were wetter than before, but I told myself this wasn’t crying. It was just my eyes watering from holding in the fireball.
Vick rushed forward while Katie raged for me, “Where is your phone? That motherfucker is going to answer our questions.”
I didn’t answer her, I just let Vick hug me and rub my back. I didn’t respond to either of them. I didn’t think I could respond to anything right now.
Katie found my phone, and I could see her scrolling through the contacts.
“It isn’t worth it, Katie,” I grabbed my phone and she handed it over, not willing to fight me on calling him.
“Good. You shouldn’t ask him questions. You shouldn’t ever talk to him again! I knew this would happen, I absolutely knew …”
Vick cut her off. “We don’t know why he was there yet. We have to give him a chance to explain.”
“No, we don’t,” Katie blurted. “What the fuck is wrong with him?”
There was a better question to be asked. One that started to eat at me after I went to my bedroom, telling my friends I just needed time to think.
I stewed on the reason why he would go there, I thought about what the fuck was wrong with him like Katie asked.
Ultimately, the better question was what was wrong with me? I’d been so careful about letting people in. Why was I never careful enough with him?
