For the rest of the weekend, I stayed in my room. Not because I was mad or moping.
I had a great reason. I decided my room needed a face-lift. I looked around and saw its neutrality, how lackluster and void of life it was. I remembered my room with my mother and father.
I used to hang a picture and my mother would see it before anyone else. “Aubrey,” she would sigh in that tone that I was so used to hearing. Like a balloon being deflated of all its air, she sounded defeated. I could still hear the fatigue in it and surrender. I hated it so much every time I heard her say it.
Yet, it was the only word I could still imagine her saying perfectly in my head. Maybe she had just said it that often, or maybe I’d hated it so much, it imprinted itself on my memory.
Either way, I could hear it now.
Not because I was considering changing my room, but because I hadn’t changed it yet. I imagined her walking in, hair longer than my father would have ever allowed and sighing like she always would. Then she would say, “Aubrey.” The tone wouldn’t be any different but the reason would be. She’d smile like we both knew it wasn’t his choice to make anymore.
The white dresser and the grey bedspread stuck out more than ever before. She would roll her eyes at them. Then, she’d put her hands on her hips seeing the white walls that mocked my independence.
I loved imagining her there like that. We’d dictate how the room should look together.
He’d kept our house so empty and pristine.
My room looked just like that house, just how he would have wanted it.
After the fire he started, I let the fear of standing out in the spotlight dictate how I dressed, how I decorated, and how I acted.
Everything—especially me—needed to blend in, and my room ended up the same. Bland.
Just the way my father would have wanted, with me in the shadows, not fussing or calling attention to myself.
Now, my father dictated my relationship with Jax even from behind bars. He still reached out to control my life.
Changing my room let my mother and I take back some independence, pushing back against the life we had to live for so long with him, even if she wasn’t there to enjoy it with me.
I threw myself into it and didn’t think about anything else. I never touched the trust fund my mother set up for me other than to donate to the kids I visited every week. That day though, I spared no expense and overnighted everything I wanted for my home makeover.
I needed the change immediately. So much so that after ordering everything, I jumped up and ripped off my bedspread and sheets. Bundling them into a ball, I put them up to my face and screamed in them. Screamed for my mother, for me. For the life we lost, the dreams he cut away from us.
I jetted straight out of my apartment, down to the lobby, and outside straight to the dumpster.
“Aubrey!”
“Ahh!” I screamed and threw up the huge pile of fabric as I jumped.
Rome stalked toward me from the building. “What the hell are you doing out here this late?”
He looked a bit mad and a lot confused.
I glanced down and realized I was wearing very short shorts and no shoes. I looked up and was startled to see the moon in the dark sky. “What time is it?” I asked.
Once he reached me and looked at my bedspread, his brows scrunched together. “I don’t even want to know,” he mumbled.
I licked my lips and started to bundle my hair into a ponytail. “Probably for the best.”
I moved to grab the bedspread but he snatched everything up for me. I opened my mouth to explain that I needed to throw everything away but he seemed to already read my mind because he stood next to the dumpster and nodded toward the lid. “Lift.”
I did and he dropped it all in.
“It’s past midnight. Can we dump whatever else you need to tomorrow?”
I rolled my lips between my teeth because I felt something in my throat again. This time it felt like sadness and regret. So deep and dark that it would swallow me whole.
I swore my tears were because I was grateful Rome didn’t ask me anything. He just put one arm under my knees and one around my neck as he lifted me up and carried me back to his apartment.
I cried the whole way.
