Jax’s driver dropped us off at a little café to meet Jay. I’d asked Jax to let Jay and me have time alone but he knew it meant we’d just be discussing our relationship. So, we walked in together and even as I tried to speed up my walk, he grabbed my hand, not letting go.
Jay’s eyes lingered on our hands laced together like it was monumental and people took notice. Or they took notice of their Chicago royalty in the café.
I wanted to curl up under the table and hide. I was thankful Jax had his stylist bring me a flowy black top and skinny jeans that made my legs look great because I wanted to blend in as much as I could while being in their attention-grabbing presence.
Jay crooked one of his large arms around my neck to hug me. He didn’t try to hide the anger or contempt rolling off of him when he looked at his brother. “Your ass wasn’t invited.”
I started to reprimand him but Jax cut me off. “A lot of time has been wasted and I’m not willing to waste anymore. You see her, you’ll be seeing me.”
He still held my hand and pulled it back just enough that I took a step out of Jay’s hold to stand with Jax.
Jay smiled, “So, you’ll be spending the whole day with us?”
“If that’s what it takes,” Jax replied flatly.
Genuine excitement spread across Jay’s face. “Great. I intend to take Brey to Navy Pier today.” He leaned toward me like we were sharing a secret. “Let’s get some food in you, Brey, so your hangover doesn’t win today.”
I scoffed and wiggled out of Jax’s grip to an open table while telling Jay, “I already went for a run today.”
Jax and Jay followed me to the table where we fought over what I wanted to drink. Jay ordered a coffee for me first and Jax corrected him to a chai tea.
I corrected them both, knowing that my stomach couldn’t handle any caffeine. I opted for water, realizing these two men could suffocate anyone’s independence if given the chance. Most women would happily let them, but I found I didn’t want to be most women, and I didn’t want to blend in so much that I lost myself. Especially when I was just finding out who I really was.
We made small talk until our food arrived piping hot from the wood-fire grill the café boasted. The chic rustic decor mixed well with the lively crowd and made me want everyone to get along.
Surprisingly though, Jay was the one to cut off pleasantries. “So, we all leave tonight. Jax, you have meetings in Chicago tomorrow,” he ticked off matter-of-factly. “Brey you’ll go back to school, and I’ll be back in LA.”
I nodded and knew his one-two punch and follow up were coming. I could have counted it down and had people bet me on it. Jax knew it too because he sat there stone-faced with his jaw clenched. All three of us had such a history that the point we were leading up to never really had to be said. It was a courtesy that we even let him finish.
“The problem with me being in LA is that I’ll worry Brey will get lost chasing you.” He zeroed in on Jax. “And this time, she won’t be able to find her way back. I am not fucking Alice in Wonderland and I can’t navigate her world well enough to bring her back one more time.”
Although his words were true, they hurt when I heard them out loud. Jay had been the trampoline that saved me when I was falling headfirst out a window in my own self-pity. He had babied me back to some sort of life.
Even so, I wanted him to trust that I knew what I was doing and it hurt that he couldn’t.
He wanted reassurance that everything would be okay but no one ever got that with love. I knew Jay really did want me to stay safe but he’d wrap me in cellophane and never let me live if he could.
“Jay,” I smoothed my hand over his. “Life without really living at all isn’t any way to live.”
Jax slid his fingers to the inside of my thigh where he rubbed circles. Then, he said the words that seared into my soul, burning away more of my doubts. “Jay, if we could have forgotten each other, maybe we would have. But she wasn’t ever okay without me. Just like I wasn’t okay without her.”
Jay started to say something, but Jax cut him off.
“Everything she does without me is an act, a fucking way to get through the day. I know it because I do the exact same thing. You want your best friend, you get me along with her. And you damn well know it.”
Jay pushed his plate away. “You think I don’t know that I only get half of Brey when she’s mourning the loss of you after you can’t fucking pick up the phone and call her? You think I don’t know her pain when you go visit that fucking guy in prison with no explanation?”
A couple of people’s heads turned our way and I leaned forward to whisper to them both, “I don’t think this is the place for us to discuss this. You both need to keep your voices down.”
Jax’s fingers kept rubbing my inner thigh, yet I felt the tension throughout the whole rest of his body. His voice was low as he completely ignored me and answered Jay, “You never asked for a reason or wanted to know why.”
He sounded almost remorseful and resigned as he looked right through Jay. His fingers stopped their circles, like we’d lost him to his thoughts. Maybe I was the only one who could relate or find him again, because the look he had on his face was one I had only seen on one other person. Myself.
His eyes lost their sparkle, their depth, their life. He disappeared as we sat there. Some memory had robbed him of his humanity and his reason for existence. I knew it because I felt the same every time I thought about that night.
Maybe I should have given Jay and myself the satisfaction of waiting him out and making him answer. Maybe we deserved it.
But my soul was intertwined with his, and I didn’t want to lose them both. We had to come to each reason in our own time and his reasons haunted him just enough for me to stop the conversation.
“Jay shouldn’t have ever asked the reason because …” I turned to Jay. “Jay, it’s not your place. I don’t need either of you making decisions for me.” I threw my hands up, frustrated with it all. “I don’t need you discussing me like I’m not here, either. I’m not a fucking fly on the wall. I’m a woman, or maybe still a girl, but I get to be as reckless or conservative as I want because it’s my life.” I stared both of them down. “Mine. No one else’s.”
Jay cleared his throat and, with a bit of a sheepish smirk, side-eyed Jax. “So much for the Sass Pot keeping her voice down.”
Jax’s smile reached all the way to his eyes as he chuckled. “Never fails to amaze me how quickly you can put us in our place, Peaches.”
I took a quick sip and ignored both of them patronizing me.
Our conversation came easily after that. Questions weren’t answered and reasons weren’t given. Our histories weren’t explained and our futures weren’t mapped out.
I accepted that recklessness. I accepted the pain that would come with it.
For the first time in a long time, I started to believe I could handle it.
