When she jumped into my arms and wrapped her shaking little body tightly around me, I swear the beat of my heart stuttered. Some part of me died holding her, seeing the red marks on her arms and face. A kind, understanding part of me. One that would have held back and rationalized what I could.
It all died along with some of her innocence.
I sat on the gravel, rocking her, soothing her, trying to absorb her fear and pain. Trying to rid myself of the fear I’d felt. Her disappearance evoked a new sort of panic in me. It made me realize all my panic before about crowds and social norms and spaces was irrational.
This panic and fear was real. Rational. Ferocious. And completely catastrophic.
I stayed quiet on the ride over because my mind wouldn’t stop thinking of the what ifs, the already had beens, and the sure to comes. Women and girls were taken advantage of everywhere, and Ollie didn’t have the luxury of money or status behind her. She only had us.
And what if? What if we hadn’t come today? What if Jax hadn’t schmoozed the cop? What if her mom didn’t remember what had happened?
What if Ollie really was gone and we couldn’t ever find her again?
The questions bounced around in my head, banging and clanking enough that no one could blame me if a craziness swept through me as a policeman approached us.
“Her mother is on her way. We should get going on some questions here.”
“She’s in no state to answer questions right now,” I responded, looking up at him and continuing to rock Ollie from the gravel.
“Ma’am, let me do my job.” He knelt down. “Ollie can handle some questions. Can’t you, honey?”
She gripped me tighter and shook her head into my neck. The red marks on her arm and face should have been indication enough that no one, especially a policeman who looked intimidating, should be anywhere near her.
As more tribal and state police arrived on the scene, I snapped back at him, “She can’t and she won’t.”
I stood abruptly without unwrapping Ollie from my body. She held me tightly as I whispered to her, “You want your purple shoes, baby?”
Her answer, a simple “no” cut through the wind, through my soul, and through her innocence.
I squeezed her tight to my chest, trying to hold in that part of Ollie’s personality that made her fearless, that made her a giggling little girl who believed there was no evil in the world.
When the police officer stepped toward me, Jax, who I’d completely forgotten about for one of the first times in my life, moved between us. He turned to a stone wall, impenetrable and solid. Heat and fury swirled in the air from all of us but Jax’s was palpable, overpowering, and crushing.
When Jax spoke, every policeman, along with Jerry sitting in the squad car, turned his way. They all strained hard to hear exactly what came from his mouth, quiet and low. “Don’t do something you’re going to regret, Officer. Another step toward them won’t end well for you.”
“Are you threatening a man in uniform?”
“I never threaten anyone.”
“Then, what would you call that?”
“A complimentary warning that you won’t get again.”
Most of the time, antics like that against a police officer would have escalated the situation. Jax wasn’t in his city, and we probably should have been more careful. But with state police and tribal police there, maybe we had an advantage.
At least, that’s what I told myself.
Luckily, the police officer immediately took on a more respectful tone as he tried to disentangle himself from Jax’s wrath. I didn’t know if Jax had just read the man correctly, and knew what buttons to press, or if his Stonewood name had traveled quickly enough through the town that the officer knew he had to tread lightly.
Either way, I didn’t care. Repercussions of breaking the law be damned. I backed away with Ollie still in my arms and started for Jax’s car, ready to take her anywhere but here.
The squad car carrying her mother pulled up.
Ollie’s mother looked much more sober, like reality had set in. She jumped from the car and ran toward us.
Ollie looked her way and waved to her mother. “Mom! You came. I thought you might be too sick to come.”
Her mother’s expression fell just a little and her step faltered. She lifted her hand toward Ollie’s face where the red mark was but closed it and pulled it away before she made contact. “I’m fine, Ollie. What happened?”
“I’m fine too. But I wasn’t good.” Ollie looked up to the sky, eyes glassy enough to spill tears at any moment. “Jerry’s going to say I didn’t listen. I don’t want to be in trouble with you and the policeman. I know I should have taken off my shoes. He told me I couldn’t wear them where we were going. I didn’t really want to go anywhere with him, and so I said no.”
“Then, what happened?” her mom asked, so slow I wasn’t sure she even wanted the answer.
The look Ollie gave her mom was the exact look I used to give my mother. They both looked at me, ready to lie and keep the secret of abuse in the darkness where no one could document it.
That look, I’d never known exactly how frustrating it was until it had been turned on me. A helplessness rolled through me like it must have rolled through Mrs. Stonewood every time I looked at her when she asked me what was wrong.
I’d been a victim though. I’d been a part of the secret before, and I wasn’t going to allow it to consume two others that day. “Ollie, you’re safe. You didn’t do anything wrong. You keep your shoes on all the time. You know that, right?”
She nodded but her eyes bounced to her mother like she wasn’t sure she should answer.
“Jerry was wrong to hit you,” I emphasized my statement and let my gaze land on each of them, slowly and solidly.
Her mother started to say something, and I knew it would be defensive. I didn’t let her get anything out. “This is your daughter. You are her mother. You are all she has. Don’t do what my mom did. Don’t lie for him.”
She took a step closer like she’d fight me but her daughter chimed in. “Brey, Mom’s not sick today.” She giggled as she leaned away from me and held her arms out for her mother to take her. “She knows I’m her daughter.”
We shared looks as I handed Ollie over. Every muscle in me wanted to retaliate. My mind screamed not to let go. My heart hoped my mind was wrong.
Either way, I couldn’t hold on to her. She wasn’t mine. I had no claim on her, and I had no control over what her mother did with her.
“That’s right, Ollie. You are mine.” Her words were just as direct as mine were and held enough meaning that I had to swallow my knee-jerk reaction to yank Ollie back.
Instead, I rolled my lips between my teeth before I said, “She is. But if something had happened today, she’d be a part of the missing bulletin instead.”
Her eyes widened. She snapped her mouth shut and kept a steely gaze on me for a few more seconds. “I love her more than anything, okay?”
I nodded because I believed her. Maybe she was like my mom, thinking that giving in to Jerry was best for both of them. “Take care of her.”
She dipped her chin so slightly, I almost missed the gesture. She spun on heels then and took her baby with her.
Crumbling in front of them wouldn’t have served anyone well. Jax slid up to me and wrapped an arm around my waist like he knew I needed the support. I sagged into him and answered the questions for cops as quickly as I could.
Answers we wanted didn’t come as readily. They repeated again and again that the investigation was ongoing, like that cleared up my concerns and fears. We did find that Jerry claimed he wasn’t planning on taking her anywhere, that he was just watching her.
His story didn’t align with Ollie’s or her mother’s at all.
And yet, would he be back at their house tomorrow trying the same thing again? The cops assured us that with the evidence of abuse, he wouldn’t.
One state policeman mentioned, “Jurisdiction is tricky when it comes to kids on the reservation. The Tribal Police will most likely have to charge him.”
A tribal policeman shrugged. “The crime happened outside the reservation. We don’t charge anyone off our land.”
My brow furrowed. “So, who takes care of it?”
They both waved me off and I fumed on my way back to the car.
Jax took his time following me and shook all their hands. I turned to see him slip an insane amount of money into one officer’s hands. My stomach rolled and protested the interaction, but I kept my mouth shut until we were on our way home.
“You paid that officer to do the job he should have been doing anyway.”
His eyes stayed on the road. “Every job is a business, Whitfield. I paid him to do his job right.”
“This isn’t a fucking business, Jax. It’s a little girl’s life. Jerry should be going to jail for kidnapping, assault, and attempted …” I couldn’t finish as I choked and then gasped out a sob.
His eyes darted my way but I turned toward the window, not wanting to share my anger and frustration with anyone.
He cleared his throat before he spoke again. “The laws and jurisdiction are different on and off the reservation, Aubrey. Money isn’t. Money talks. I can’t know what the hell will happen to Jerry without it. I gave that cop money to get things moving.”
I just shook my head because I wanted his answer to be different. I wanted so many things to be different and before I could stop the words from flying out of my mouth, I blurted, “My grandmother vanished into the darkness of the night. My mother used to say a dark cloud rolled through the reservation and swallowed her up. Then, not long after, my mother was raped.”
Jax white-knuckled the steering wheel before he swerved to pull over.
We stared out at the open road, me shocked at what I’d just revealed and him trying to digest it. “What do you mean? Your father?”
I shook my head. “No, it isn’t important. I just …”
“Start at the beginning, Peaches.”
So, I did. I told him what Margie told me and how I’d been questioning everything ever since.
He listened until I finished. “The world is a pitiful fucking place, Peaches. Your mom did her best.”
“Was her best just being with another man that abused her so she didn’t have to go back to something worse? Did she think she was protecting me?”
Jax didn’t answer my questions. He just replied, “We’re all doing what we can to make our world a little better. Focus on us doing what we could today and on what we can do tomorrow.”
We let silence descend upon us for the rest of the drive, his words echoing in my head.
In that car, after the shock of almost losing Ollie wore off, I changed. I promised myself to do just as Jax said. Focusing on doing what I could to make my life and the world around me better meant facing my demons, stepping out of the shadows and confronting the monsters that had kept me suppressed for so long.
Starting with my father.
