THE SUN WAS just starting to set as I stared out over the East River from where I sat on a bench at Brooklyn Bridge Park. Behind me, the sounds of laughter and the music from Jane’s Carousel painted a happier picture than the one brewing inside me.
It’d been a full forty-eight hours since the bomb exploded, and two since I’d finished my last class of the day and caught a train to my parents’ house. Only, I never ended up there.
I glanced down at the text I’d sent to my mom, telling her where I was and that we needed to talk. I had no doubt she’d heard about what happened yesterday, not if the million calls were any indication, but I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone last night.
I couldn’t put it off forever, though, and even though it felt like my insides were being clenched in someone’s tight fist, it needed to happen. Not inside the confining walls of my parents’ place, but out in the open, where I could get some fresh air to help me not pass out.
I absently rubbed my thumb across the screen of my cell. West had apparently gotten the message after our blowout in the courtyard yesterday. He hadn’t tried to call again. Hadn’t messaged, emailed, tried to show up anywhere I was. And while I knew that was what I’d wanted, what I’d asked for, I couldn’t help wishing he cared enough to try to explain. No matter how much of a fight I’d put up saying otherwise.
Somewhere deep down, I guess I’d been hoping I had come to mean more to West, the way he had to me. That what I overheard was a mistake, because the man he’d been with me would never do something like that.
Getting to my feet, I brushed off the back of my jeans and stretched out my legs before heading to the railing. There were more people out and about than usual, probably because the last of the sweltering heat had passed, replaced by a warm breeze that practically begged you to be outside.
At least no one here stared at me the way my classmates did. When I first started at Astor, they looked at me with wary eyes because I was the dean’s kid. Now they looked at me with a kind of acceptance that I knew only came from watching me go off on someone I cared about, and that wasn’t any better.
“I’m surprised you haven’t commandeered Gus already,” my mom said, joining me along the rail. Worry crinkled her eyes, but she gave me an affectionate smile as she nodded back at the carousel. “Or have you gotten a new favorite?”
“Nah, I’m still a Gus loyalist,” I said, my eyes automatically seeking out the horse I always chose as my own on our visits down here. “Just didn’t feel like riding today.”
Mom didn’t say anything, but her hand rubbing along my back sent pinpricks behind my eyes.
She knew.
And she didn’t rush me to say anything else as I wiped away a stray tear. I thought I’d gotten all that out last night after the anger subsided, but her gentle reassurance was unexpected, and welcome.
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
I couldn’t look at her, keeping my focus on the setting sun gleaming off the water.
“I’m sorry too,” I managed. “That you had to find out this way. I was going to tell you…”
She pulled me into her arms, holding me tight. Something inside me eased, all the stress from worrying about her finding out and what she would say gone with her embrace.
She pulled back a little, giving me a sad smile as she pushed my hair from my face. “Let’s go sit, and you can tell me all about it.”
We made our way back to the benches, and I forced in a few deep breaths. Doing this outside had been the right idea.
“Start at the beginning,” she said, squeezing my fingers.
I told her everything. From the way West had crashed King’s class to the time we’d spent together—leaving out the salacious details, obviously—and through it all, she listened patiently, no judgment on her face. It wasn’t until I mentioned being a bet that I saw her react, a slight twitching of her jaw.
“And I’m sure you heard about what happened yesterday,” I said.
“I didn’t have to. I saw it.”
“Who sent you the video?”
“I didn’t need a video, JT. It happened in view of my office.”
Oh shit. I’d been so busy trying to get away that I hadn’t even thought about the fact that we’d been in the courtyard. So I’d basically given my mom a front-row view?
Now I was going to be sick.
“While you know I don’t condone violence, I’ll say I was proud of the way you handled yourself,” she added.
“Why? I lost my temper.”
“You don’t think you deserved to? You stood up for yourself. That’s exactly who I raised you to be.”
“But I lied to you.” I trailed figure eights on the bench between us with my finger and shook my head. “You warned me, and I didn’t listen. I got what I deserved.”
Mom lifted my chin firmly between her fingers. “You do not deserve to be treated as anything less than the magnificent man you are.”
“You’re not gonna say I told you so?”
“No. I think you’ve learned your lesson. I know exactly how persuasive people can be, and you’re someone who wants to see the good. Even in those who don’t deserve it.”
“I really thought West was different. Misunderstood. I thought you were wrong about him. He seemed interested in getting to know me. Like he wanted to know what I cared about, about my poetry… I even got him to sit through a slam night, if you can believe it.”
Mom’s brows rose in surprise as I continued.
“I mean, he didn’t need to do all that to win the bet, so why did he? Why did he bother?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” she said gently.
“Does it…” I bit down on my lip and tried again. “Does it bother you that I fell for a guy?”
She shook her head before the words were even out of my mouth. “It doesn’t matter to me who you love, as long as they’re good to you. As long as you’re happy.”
“I thought I was,” I murmured, rubbing my forehead. “It felt right, like I was becoming the person I was always meant to be, and that somehow West had brought that out in me. That sounds so stupid, doesn’t it?”
“No, it doesn’t.” Mom seemed like she wanted to add something to that, but snapped her mouth shut.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“No, tell me.”
She gazed over at the carousel. “I could see it,” she said quietly, before turning back to me. “That you were happy. A little too busy for old Mom, perhaps, but every time I saw you, you had this energy about you. I wish I’d asked why, but I could see you didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe I could’ve saved you the heartbreak.”
“It’s not your fault. You told me that whole group was trouble, and I didn’t listen. I doubt I would’ve changed my mind once I was deep in it.”
She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “Maybe not. It’s just my instinct as a parent, I guess. Wanting to put you in a bubble so nothing and no one can hurt you. I know it’s not possible, but it doesn’t mean I won’t try to do anything and everything in my power to keep you safe and happy and healthy.”
“Two out of three ain’t bad.”
Lifting my chin again to force me to look her in the eyes, she said, “You’ll be okay, kiddo. You’ve got all the time in the world, but maybe focusing on your studies for a while is a good idea. Although there is something I could do to speed up the process…”
“I’m scared to ask.”
“Would it help you if a few of your peers were expelled for bad behavior?”
My mouth fell open. “Mom. No way.”
She waved a hand, like she knew I’d say that. “Just thought I’d offer. Let me know if you change your mind.”
I had no doubt it would sting every time I passed West in the hallway or heard the jokes his friends would no doubt tell about me loud enough to hear, but that wasn’t enough for me to want them expelled. Besides, their high-powered families would have a field day with my mom over it. No thank you.
“I appreciate the offer,” I said, mustering up a small smile. “But there is something you could tell me.”
“What’s that?”
“What happened to make you hate those guys so much?”
“Ah. Besides the pranks they like to play on their classmates and professors that get them sent to my office?” Mom stretched out her legs, crossing them at the ankles. “Let me just tell you…”
BY THE TIME I got back to my dorm, I was spent. The conversation with Mom had definitely helped ease the weight off my shoulders, but pouring my heart out always left me feeling drained.
It’d felt good to finally share with her everything I’d been going through over the past few weeks. But after hearing all of the crap West and his crew had pulled over the years to earn her bad opinion of them, I wished she’d maybe divulged some of it. That way I would’ve at least known why I should stay away.
Would I have listened? Maybe. Maybe not. But at least I would’ve known what I was getting into instead of choosing to believe it was just a case of misunderstanding.
Geez, how naïve am I?
I pulled my key out as I reached my room. All I wanted now was to get inside and shut the door on this day—and the whole world, really. I was done dealing with peopling and talking about emotions, and all I wanted now was to lock myself away, close my eyes, and be by myself.
That had felt impossible after everything that happened. But as the darkness of my room enveloped me, I welcomed it—along with the silence that followed. This was what I wanted, peace and quiet, a moment to forget how spectacularly my life had been turned on its head. Then I would wake up and somehow work out a way to move forward.
It was the only way I was going to be able to survive the rest of my time here at Astor. I needed to file this first month under “colossal mistakes” then do my best to try to learn from them. In other words, steer clear of the people I was told to.
I shut the door and leaned back against it, letting out a sigh of relief that there was no one else here. I flicked the light on, and the sight of West sitting on the end of my bed scared the shit out of me.
My hand flew to my chest, and as he slowly got to his feet, I reached for the door handle.
What the hell is he doing here?
“Hey,” West said, as I tried to locate my tongue, my words, my brain. But seeing him there in my room, sitting on my bed, immediately transported me back to the first night he’d stayed with me. The first night I’d fallen asleep in his arms.
He didn’t look half as put together as he had that night: his pants were crumpled, his shirt half hanging out at the waist as though he’d slept in it, and his usually styled hair looked a mess, as though he’d been pulling at it—or someone else had—and that thought made me want to throw up.
“I was hoping you’d be home tonight.” He continued on as though there was no gaping hole where he’d ripped away any and all trust that had been built between us. “But I have to admit, I was starting to have my doubts after the sun went—”
“What are you doing in here?” I cut him off, finally finding my words. “How are you in here?”
West slipped his hands in his pockets and gave a small shrug. “George.”
Of course. I wasn’t sure why I was so surprised. If he could get in the building, my room would be a breeze.
I shook my head and curled my fingers around the handle. “Well, allow me to show you out.” I pulled open the door.
West looked past me and out into the hall, then brought his eyes back to mine.
“Thanks, but I’m not quite ready to leave yet.”
I blinked, not sure I’d heard him right. “You’re not quite ready?”
“Right. You see…” He took a step forward, but when I stiffened and straightened my shoulders, he stopped. “I came here to do something, and I’m not going to leave until I’ve done it.”
Unbelievable. The arrogance of him. The gall. After everything he’d done, everything he’d put me through, he had the nerve to tell me what he was going to do in my dorm room?
I didn’t think so.
I opened my mouth, about to blast him, but before the words could come out, he said, “I owe you an apology.”
Excuse me, what?
All of the anger that I’d been preparing to once again unleash on him slowly fizzled out at his words and earnest stare. But I was well aware of what a good show West could put on when he wanted to, and I wouldn’t believe him just because he was looking at me with eyes I wanted to lose myself in.
No, sir. Not this time. I was not going to fall for his smooth tongue and pretty lies.
“Please, JT.” West’s voice was soft, as though he were trying to soothe a wild animal. “Let me talk to you. Let me apologize.”
“And why would I do that?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Because you’re a better person than I am.”
“That’s true.”
West nodded and looked to his feet, and for the first time since I’d known him, he looked unsure of himself.
“I know I don’t deserve any of your time”—he had that right—“but please, JT, let me say this.”
My heart warred with my brain as I looked at him, and though every instinct told me to throw him out and lock the door on this chapter of my life, I couldn’t find it in myself to be that cruel.
I let out a breath and slowly shut the door, then crossed my arms. At least that way I had something between him and my chest if he aimed at it again.
“Okay, I’m listening.”
West nodded, and when he raised his head, I was shocked to see his eyes were a little glassy—probably from lack of sleep.
“Everything you said to me in the courtyard yesterday was true—”
“I know.”
West’s teeth clicked as though biting back a response, and I arched a brow, waiting.
“What I mean to say is, I’m sorry my friends and I are such dickheads. That we even thought of or came up with the stupid…” He trailed off, waving his hand through the air, but I wasn’t about to let him weasel out of it that easy.
“Bet.”
West’s eyes locked on mine, and I took a step forward.
“You came up with a bet to fuck me.” When he just blinked at me, I added, “If you’re going to apologize, you need to acknowledge what it is you’re apologizing for.”
He swallowed, and color bloomed on his cheeks. Good—he should feel humiliated about the way they acted, the way they treated me, because that was exactly how he’d made me feel.
“I’m sorry we came up with a bet for me to fuck you. Corrupt you, actually.”
I forced myself to breathe. “Corrupt?”
“What better way to get payback on the dean for my suspension than to bring her golden child to our dark side?”
I could barely hear him over the blood rushing in my ears. “From what I heard, you earned it. You broke into her office and trashed the place.”
West opened his mouth to respond, but then snapped it shut.
“What?” I said. “Going to deny it?”
“No. We flipped over all the furniture as a prank, but trashed is a strong word.”
“And that’s supposed to be a joke to you?”
A sigh left him as he ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I know she’s your mom, but she’d had it out for us since we started at Astor. We’re privileged assholes she has to put up with; I get it. Did we pull some stupid shit to liven things up around campus because of it? Sure. But it was all harmless stuff.”
“So what you did to me,” I said slowly. “That was harmless?”
He swallowed. “No. It was thoughtless and cruel. The kind of thing selfish, bored, rich shits do because they can. But just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should, and I never should’ve let them—or myself—do what we did to you. ”
I bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to give him the satisfaction of seeing how his words affected me. But with the way I could feel my chin shake, I knew that would be a losing battle.
He approached me slowly. “JT, you got caught up in something that had nothing to do with you, something stupid and impulsive. Something I’ll regret every fucking day of my life. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
West’s face blurred as I stared at him, and I realized I was fighting back tears. But hearing him admit it, hearing him say all that I was to him out loud, hurt more than I’d ever thought possible.
“I never meant for it to get this out of hand,” he said.
“Out of hand?” I shook my head, and as a tear slipped free, I quickly reached up to brush it away. “How does a bet get out of hand, West? You had a mission, a goal. You came after me, befriended me, made me fall for you, and you won. It didn’t get out of hand. Everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to—”
“Except my falling for you.”
“No. I can’t… I can’t do this.” I put up a hand, and West took hold of it, closing the distance between us.
“But it’s true. Somewhere between the moment I saw you in your mom’s office to the second I sat down beside you that first class, you had me. I was expecting some naïve kid who was determined to play by the rules in case his mommy found out. But you were nothing like that. You were sexy and fun and were willing to risk your ass by sneaking out of your room just to hang out with me, and the more time we spent together, the more I realized how much I want to be around you. How much I care about you. You, JT, not some stupid fucking bet.”
I shook my head and pulled my hand free. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“But I need you to hear it. I need you to know that I miss having coffee with you, talking to you, kissing you… Nothing replaces that, especially not winning something so stupid.”
“You hurt me,” I whispered.
“I know. I’m sorry. So fucking sorry I hurt you—that was the last thing I ever wanted.”
I nodded. “I believe you. But it’s not enough.” Then I bit down on my lip and reached for the door handle. “Goodbye, West.”
“But…” His face fell as his gaze roamed over me, but I was careful to keep my emotions to myself.
I was too vulnerable. Too close to caving.
Then he stepped out the door, and I closed it behind him and finally let the tears fall free.
