I wanted everything to go away. I didn’t want to think about it, any of it. I focused on my breath and held my pose. I counted out loud for the few students I had following my yoga asanas.
“Breathe in, and hold, now breathe out. And relax into your pose.”
As long as I kept talking and kept telling myself I wasn’t going to think about it I was able to keep all thoughts of Devin and my life out of my head. I stumbled with the intrusion of thought.
I proceeded to show my class a modification of the pose that would be easier to hold. Something I needed because even though I refused to let that asshole into my forethoughts, he was there, seeping into my subconsciousness.
As we folded into Child’s Pose or at least the variation we were doing, I reminded everyone to breathe out, and relax. “Marg, don’t fall asleep like last time.”
A giggle moved through the room as everyone reacted in their own time.
“When you’re ready, slowly walk your hands to your thighs. I will put on some music to help ease us back into the world.”
I slowly stood up and crossed the studio to the old CD player. I swapped out the CDs to play something with a bit of a beat to it. It wasn’t lively by any stretch of the imagination; it just had more energy to it than the music I liked during my sessions.
Yoga is gentle, but it’s still a workout, and I was sweating. I sat on a bench and took a long sip of cool water. I pasted a smile on my face, and no one around would know that I refused to acknowledge my problems at the moment because it felt like my world was tilting sideways and shattering into pieces.
“You look like you are feeling much better,” Francine said.
She shuffled through the CD selection that I had left in a sloppy pile next to the CD player.
“You know, you could get a Bluetooth speaker, and we could run the music from playlists on our phones.” I held up my phone and wiggled it a bit.
“My son keeps saying the same thing to me. This system works. I don’t see any reason to change simply for the sake of change. These are some of the best centering CDs, to get them on my phone I’d have to buy them all over again, if they are even available.”
I smiled, she was set in her ways. I guess we all were in some ways.
“Are you holding up alright after everything?” Francine asked.
I had to blink a few times to realize she wasn’t talking about what was happening inside my body, but my father and the mess that he ensured my inheritance was. I shrugged.
“It’s been a year. The anniversary of Daddy’s death isn’t as easy as I thought.” I sighed. I didn’t mention the anniversary of my wedding was fast approaching. It only meant that Devin would be walking away from me entirely too soon.
“And we’re still having to deal with the situation with the will. But that will be resolved soon, I hope.”
“That does sound like a lot to have to deal with. If you ever need some time away, your own personal retreat, let me know. I have a place up in the hills that I like to go to. It really helps me find myself, and recenter.”
“That sounds nice. Maybe in a few weeks. So much depends on…” It sounded like a good place to figure out what I was going to tell Devin about this baby in my belly.
And with that one innocent thought, my head spiraled with everything I had been trying to not think about. I was pregnant, my husband didn’t like me, I was some kind of an heiress but I didn’t feel like it. I inherited a museum that required upkeep, not a home. I didn’t have room in my head to worry about the art theft. I didn’t much care for that painting anyway. But it was something I had to worry over while other people took care of everything for me. Maybe if they told me what was going on I wouldn’t have to overthink about any of it.
I tossed an oversized tunic over my leggings and checked my texts to confirm my driver was ready to pick me up.
Devin’s silver Jaguar sat at an odd angle in the drive. I wondered why he was driving that car and not the convertible. If I had a convertible I’d drive it with the top down all the time, even in the rain.
I climbed the stairs to the front and braced myself. Had he spoken to McGrady? Did I now have to deal with the phone call I made mid panic attack when I saw my husband kissing another woman?
I barely had my hand on the doorknob when it flew open. Devin stood, looming in the doorway.
I looked up at him, afraid to say anything.
His nostrils flared and he growled.
“Can I come in?” I asked.
He took a large step back, giving me enough room to pass. “I take it, you spoke with McGrady?”
“Explain yourself,” he snarled. He was beyond eloquence. I had only ever seen Devin this mad a few times, and it was never directed at me. I was not going to be intimidated.
“I think you’re the one who has some explaining to do. Stay right there.”
With my peripheral vision, I saw him pace as I climbed the stairs. “In through your nose, out through your mouth,” I reminded myself. I needed some centering breath control so that I wouldn’t throw myself at him, sobbing.
Wasn’t I good enough for him? Why couldn’t I be the woman he took to a bar and kissed in public? I wanted my husband to love me, was that too much to ask for?
In my room, I picked up the envelope and stared at it. I didn’t need to look at the pictures again. They wouldn’t have magically changed to something else.
With a deep breath, I returned to the entry where I had left Devin. I held out the envelope. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t think I could.
He glared at me as he opened the flap and poured the photographs out into his hand. He didn’t catch them all, and a few fell to the floor. I glanced down and wished I hadn’t. I felt a roiling in my stomach. Now wasn’t the time for morning sickness, but this baby didn’t care.
I ran from the entry, leaving Devin with the evidence, and threw up in one of the downstairs powder rooms. I rinsed my mouth out, looked at myself in the mirror. Fresh from a sweaty workout, with bags under my eyes, I was a bad caricature of a pretty young wife. I looked old and ragged. I was worn down and looked beaten. My exterior perfectly matched the heartbreak I felt.
Devin was outside the bathroom door when I opened it.
“Can we talk?”
I gave him a weak nod and followed him into the library. I sat in a wingback chair so that he couldn’t sit next to me if he wanted.
“Do you want an annulment?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You do realize what would happen to us if this marriage was annulled? You would be out on the street with no income and no place to live. And I’ll be out of a job. Harleigh, we barely have three weeks until we are both free of this farce. Can’t you wait?”
“I thought you promised my father to take care of me?” My voice got loud.
“If you annul what we have, do you honestly think I will still be honor-bound to that? I married you, I have put in the time. If you walk away from us now you fuck up everything up for both of us, you walk away from my help. All of it.”
“You’d do that to me?” I felt the scratch in the back of my throat that meant I was going to start crying. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.
“You’re the one doing it Harleigh,” he sounded weary.
I pointed to the photos in his hands. “Yeah, well what about those? You’re kissing that woman!”
He shook his head. All the anger and rage that filled him, left him. He moved like he hurt.
“This”— he shook the photos at me— “is not what it looks like. Where did you get these? Did you hire someone to follow me?”
I laughed. “No. Whoever sent these didn’t think I knew you kept your apartment.”
Devin sighed, his shoulders relaxed. “You know about the apartment?”
“I’m not dumb, Devin. I probably would have kept my apartment if you had given me the option.”
“I dated her a while ago.” He started. “I was meeting her to… I don’t know why I was meeting her. I let her know I got married and she slapped me.” He tossed the envelope and the photos aside. A few fluttered to the floor, teasing me with a shadowy affair and promised passion.
“But you went out with someone when we agreed.” It hurt so much to think he would see someone else. I knew it was a possibility. It didn’t mean I liked it.
“When will we start trusting each other instead of reacting badly to half-truths and incomplete information? I’m so tired of having to justify my actions to you, Devin. I’m tired of wondering what I did wrong every time you leave and decide not to come back.”
“I always come back,” the growl in his voice was back as he surged to his feet.
He stood over me, and all I could do was stare back. What did he see when he stared into my eyes? Could he tell that I was in love with him? Did he see that we had made a baby? Could he feel the pain I felt every time he left me and I felt abandoned?
He moved quickly with power and strength. One second I was staring longingly into his soul and the next he had me on my feet, his mouth crushing down on mine. It wasn’t a kiss, it felt like a punishment.
I shoved him away.
“What the hell Devin? What was that?”
“I was kissing my wife,” he still sounded angry.
“Was that to prove to you or me that you’re in this with me?” I asked.
“What do you think?” he barked.
“I think I’m still just your wife on paper.”
