Who’s setting me up, and why the fuck did she just leave like that?
I stand here post nut, feeling an odd combination of both satisfaction and terror. Is my heart pounding in my chest from just having insatiable sex with the girl I’m obsessed with, or are my hands now shaking because I’ve got an awful feeling she’s doing what she’s doing with Bran because of me. For me.
Maybe that’s why she’s keeping that fucker close? I know her hatred for him. It’s all she talks about with me, with her sister. I can’t imagine she’d be deceiving me, would she? No, she would’ve never told me I was being set up then. Right? Either way, she knows something I don’t, and that makes me really fucking uncomfortable.
“Shit!” I yell, slamming my fist against the smooth surface of the dryer, leaving a nasty little indentation.
I look back at the damage to the dryer, making a little pained face, but then shrug it off. Serves the fucker right, I guess. I hope his mom loves this machine.
I need to focus and get to the bottom of this.
I grab my cell phone, dialing the number for the ol’ Lust Lay to contact Dario. The way Silas and Bran were eerily talking to each other while looking in my direction comes to mind again as I wait for the rings to stop to get some sort of clarity behind her little bomb drop. No one answers and the answering machine picks up. Of course.
It’d be a whole hell of a lot easier to contact this dude directly, but guys that far up don’t communicate with phones or anything traceable. They have people who can do that for them. Minions who would risk it all to help, just for the chance at a nice warm layer of street cred. Dropping it for the moment, I decide to leave the room in search of Hawke.
Upon opening the door, I wince my eyes at the bright lights of the kitchen. The party is still in full swing, with bodies lining the interior, mingling in conversation, scattered across the place. The aroma of beer and weed hits my nose again as I walk down the hall towards the action with suspicious eyes scouring the scene before me.
As soon as I enter the kitchen, Brynn turns and spots me from a distance.
“Kid! There you are. Dude, I was looking for you.” She runs over to me with a big smile, wrapping her hands around my neck. “Wanna smoke this?”
She holds up a joint, pinching it together with her pointer finger and thumb, smiling all innocently as her little tipsy ass leans into me, not knowing I was just dick deep a different girl a room over. I grin back at her but feel a new weight on my shoulders.
“Uh, maybe in just a sec. I’m actually looking for Hawke.” I glance around her. “Have you seen him?”
“Umm”—she turns and peers around the room, her hands on my stomach as she leans back somewhat unsteady on her little cork wedges—’last I saw he was smoking outside.’
I look towards the door and see a sight that makes my stomach drop. My fists curl into themselves as the ability to breathe becomes a new task I’ve yet to master.
Han is now sitting at the table with Bran and Silas and a few other guys, conveniently perched under Bran’s wing. His arm is draped around her casually, looking a little too comfortable, like they’re coupled up or something. He’s talking to someone while her eyes are on mine.
She looks upset, like a storm is brewing beneath her gaze. Probably because of Brynn’s hold on me, but fuck her. She’s in the arms of a tool.
I shoot her a quick glare, not understanding this ridiculous shit, before rolling my eyes and releasing a scoff in disbelief. Shaking my head, I depart from Brynn with a forced smile and make my way outside.
I get to the patio near one of the fire pits and walk through groups of people linked up in various sections. There are so many people I don’t recognize here, and yet they all seem to know who I am. Random head nods to me from preppy looking dudes, a cute chick in a red mini-skirt eyes me up and down before shooting me a wink as I pass. Another guy actually yells out, “Kid!” and raises his plastic cup. The looks practically scream, “all hail the local drug dealer!”
If I’m being honest, the whole thing is a little unnerving. It might be nothing. It could just be that more people know about me and who I am than I think. But the situation feels different now. I’m on high alert, doing double takes, making narrowed glances.
I search everywhere near the house for Hawke, heading away from the lights and commotion of the patio to the beach, when I hear my name being called out. My real name.
“Kai!” The name calls from a distance. “Kai, wait!”
I don’t need to turn and face her to know who it is. The second I heard it, I could feel it in the marrow of my bones.
She makes it to where I’m staring off into the ocean, my hands on my head, chucks firmly planted in the sand. She’s panting now and there are little beads of sweat forming on her tanned forehead, little strings of her black hair strew across it.
“Kai, please listen to me—”
“What the fuck are you meddling in, Han?” I interrupt her with a stern tone.
“I’m not—”
“Is this why you ran away from me in there? You don’t wanna be seen talking to me. Is that it? Might cue dickwad off to the fact that you’re fucking me, huh? Not a good look?” I say, feeling exacerbated, angry, a little deceived.
“You need to be caref—”
She reaches for me, grabbing onto my forearms before I drop them. I don’t know who the fuck I can trust. The girl who doesn’t even attempt to open up to me isn’t looking real reliable at the moment.
“You think I don’t know his type of people? This might be your first ride, sweetheart, but this ain’t my first rodeo. I don’t need to get my feet wet to know the water’s cold. But kudos to you for playing both sides…very two-faced of you.”
“Kai, if you seriously think I’d do anything malicious towards you, you’re fucking crazier than I thought. I just can’t let him know we’re as close as we are until I know—.”
“You don’t think he’s heard about us yet? Do you know how people talk around here? Everyone knows everything, Han! Everything!”
She stares at me for a minute, processing my words as a thought crosses her mind. It’s a dark thought. The deep, destructive kind. I can tell by the way her eyes wince a little as she bites the inside of her cheek.
“Not everything,” she says sharply, whipping her head around and walking back towards the house.
I pull at the roots of my unruly hair, feeling frustrated as fuck. I rest my hands on my hips, taking a second to think.
Not everything.
What is she referring to? The first thing that comes to mind is her mother. Either way, I’ve totally pissed her off now, too, potentially offending her on top of it. Awesome. Everything is fucked.
My body is aching for a quick release from this manifested pain. It’s begging me for my normal daily doses that I now realize I haven’t indulged in. I didn’t need anything in the presence of Han. She’s better than any other form of drug. She likes to pretend she’s my toxicity, my self indulgence that destroys the good in me. But in reality, she’s the antidote to it all.
My answer. My reason. My purpose.
It’s all held within that caged little heart. The lock, my enigma. The solid bars behind which I’d kill to be imprisoned.
But without her, they call to me all over again. Like a demon in the dark, dragging me back into the realm of lies. It wants me to calm this ache with the pop of a pill to feel numb again, a quick line of coke to push through it, or the deep inhale of a potent plant to make me forget everything, even if only for a moment.
What people like Cole, and anyone else who doesn’t understand the power of drugs, fail to realize, is that I don’t take these things for a high anymore. And most times, it’s not even fucking fun, really. It’s surviving. She sees me taking these recreationally, like I have a choice to stop. But it’s not even like that anymore.
I take them to feel normal again. I need to be normal. I need to be my best self, especially in these situations where everything feels out of control. Kid without drugs isn’t good enough. I’ve evolved into needing these substances just to function at a normal level. I can’t just undo that now because I should, or because it’s the right thing to do. I’m too far in.
All I can wonder is if Han’s actually playing me? What if what we have is a fucking joke? To her. To everyone. I’m fucking lost in my own head, the push and pull driving me to madness. Right now, the only person I can trust, I can’t seem to find at this party anymore. I crave clarity like my next fucking hit.
I pat my pants pockets, feeling my phone, my bag of essentials, and a few more condoms. High hopes, I guess. I grab the baggie and look at the candy in my hand. Percs? Nah, I can’t be numb. I need to be aware. Addys? Yes, please.
I head over to the keg, pouring up a beer and pop the pills. Swallowing them down, I spot Tarah with her girlfriends on a bench by the patio. She turns to look at me just as I turn away, pretending I didn’t see her. Shit.
“Kid!” she yells, raising her hands in the air.
Jesus, really? Now? Why?
She runs over to me in her teal bikini, a black see-through cover over it, looking beach ready. She approaches me, gripping the bottom of my shirt in her hands and pulling me into her.
“Baby! Come have some fun with us,” she says, looking back towards the girls, then at me again with pleading eyes.
She appears to already be pretty inebriated, as do her three smiling friends, who are all currently looking in our direction. In another day, another life, would I love to get shit faced and lose myself in them? Yes. Yes. YES!
But not today.
“Sorry, I gotta—”
“Come, do a line with us!” she interrupts,grabbing my hand and ignoring my attempt to brush her off as she pulls me towards the table again.
Say less.
