Five Years Ago
I blew out smoke, staring at the back of Erika Fane’s head as we drove through the neighborhood, having just left the village. It had been a long day—and it would probably be an even longer night—and I was both intrigued and pissed Michael let her tag along for Devil’s Night tonight.
I’d been away at college, with my friends all at different schools, and it finally felt fucking good to be back where I was happiest, and now everyone had to guard themselves to not offend Michael’s pet project.
But then again, maybe a distraction—something to take my mind off Winter and what happened last night in the shower—was exactly what I’d needed.
Perspective.
And closing my eyes, shutting off my head, and just charging on into whatever shit behavior I could, would tear my gut to shreds, so I couldn’t feel her anymore.
So I could let her go before she found out.
Maybe years down the road, when I was out of college, and she was older and away from her parents…
No.
No, that wouldn’t happen, either.
She’d still need to know the truth. About who I was and what I did to her these past few years. I didn’t want her to ever know.
I was fucked. It had to end.
I just had to find a diversion. A nice, healthy, blonde diversion who looked a little like Winter Ashby and smelled just as good.
Rika sensed me staring and turned her eyes over her shoulder, meeting mine.
I stared back at her.
She had blue eyes. Just like Winter.
But unlike Winter, I could hate Rika and remind myself what women were for.
They were the same age, too. I wasn’t sure if they hung out anymore, but maybe I could pretend the little Winter-lookalike was actually Winter to drown out the real one in my head.
Rika tipped her chin up and turned back around, and I laughed under my breath, taking another drag of my cigarette.
I always made her nervous, and I kind of liked it. As if there were a bigger game at play that we’d eventually get to someday, but neither of us knew what it was.
I saw Michael watching me in the rearview mirror, and I did a shitty job of hiding my grin.
Hey, if he didn’t want anyone else noticing his little piece of ass, he shouldn’t have brought her along in the first place. It was one thing to have your fun. It was another to do it in front of us.
Tonight was ours. She wasn’t important enough to be here.
He pulled up in front of the Ashby house, outside the walls with two tall columns with lanterns on top and the gate closed. Hopefully that meant the parents were out, and she was alone.
Or, at least her father was out. The mother said something during the fight last night about having to catch a plane today.
And Arion was away from her college for a semester abroad, so Winter was the only other person in the house.
I climbed up from my seat, heading for Will’s door to hop out. “I won’t take long.”
“Sooooo confident,” Will teased. “Get a great angle for us, okay?”
He held up the group cell phone we used to record all our pranks, and I took it, remembering I had that shot of Winter on it from last night. If it recorded at all. I’d dropped the phone, but thankfully it hadn’t broken.
Stuffing it in my back pocket, I flung open the door and hopped out, pulling up my hood.
“Got protection?” Will asked.
“Shut the fuck up.”
I slammed the door shut, hearing his chuckle from inside, and scaled the tree outside the wall, making my way over it in seconds, because this was not the first time I’d done this.
Landing on my feet, I jogged across the lawn, seeing a few lights her father left on in the house, my gaze immediately locking on the windows of the ballroom and hearing the music from inside. I couldn’t help but smile, knowing she was in there.
I dug out the key she gave me and pulled off my sweatshirt, tossing it behind some bushes, because it was covered in smoke.
Heading around to the backdoor, I unlocked it as quietly as possible and pushed it open, slipping into the dark kitchen and instantly hearing the music playing as loud as she wanted, because no one was home.
I crept down the hallway and through the foyer, veering right, toward the open ballroom doors with the music growing louder and drifting up to the ceiling.
It had a haunting, sad vibe, and my heart started thumping harder even before I entered.
She twirled around the floor, her head and arms all playing a part as her feet moved, creeping with the song, like someone possessed or lost in a dream. My throat swelled as I inched off to the side, in the shadows, not taking my eyes off her.
The chorus chanted, the drums like a pulse, and I watched her hair fly, and the muscles in her legs flex through her tight, black leggings. Slits cut across the back of her long-sleeve pink shirt, her sports bra and skin visible in the moonlight streaming in through the windows.
But I blinked
And the world was gone
The voice sang, the music coursing through her as if it were coming from her body, every movement perfectly timed. I scaled my eyes down her face and form as she spun and leaped, wishing I could be the air around her and feel her move.
My chest ached so badly it hurt to breathe.
There was no one in the world like her.
The music ended, and silence fell in the house as she fell back on her feet, breathing hard. She stayed there, unmoving and quiet.
And finally, her voice pierced the air. “Are you here?”
I didn’t say anything.
“Were you watching?” she asked softly.
I wanted to bring her into my chest and just feel her relax, easing her mind and making her feel safe.
But she’d smell the smoke still on me, which I didn’t hold back on tonight on purpose. I didn’t want to be tempted to come see her.
I did anyway, though. I’d told the guys I was paying a hot, little visit to Mrs. Ashby, knowing they’d love that. None of us liked her husband.
But I just wanted to see Winter.
After what I did to her last night.
“I hate that you don’t talk to me,” she said, still rooted in the same spot but slowly turning in a circle, because she didn’t know where I was. “Like really talk. But I guess it wouldn’t have been like you to still be here this morning.”
No, it wouldn’t have been. After another half-hour in the shower, we’d dried, and I dressed, following her down to her room to lay with her for a while.
When she fell asleep, I stayed.
Still not sleeping.
Until about four a.m., then I snuck out.
And told myself that tonight I’d screw someone else.
And get Winter out of me.
“You are like a ghost,” she mused. “Or a vampire. You’re only alive for me at night.”
She swallowed and inhaled a breath.
“It’s okay. I was warned, wasn’t I?” she said. “That you would hurt me?”
Yes.
“My father thinks it would be better for me back in Montreal,” she told me. “He says that ‘the community here can’t accommodate my needs.’”
She repeated his words, feigning his deep, condescending voice, but fire coursed up my neck, and I was nervous.
Back to Montreal.
Away.
I’d never see her. What if she stayed there after high school?
If I didn’t think we should see each other, then we wouldn’t, but I didn’t like the choice being taken from me.
“What he really means is that I can’t afford to be a teenager,” she explained. “He thinks I’ll make mistakes and be hurt.”
Like how she stayed out last night, past curfew, and made them worry. Doing things everyone does, but the rules for her were stricter, because they didn’t think she could protect herself.
Had she ever made them worry before? Her father was using this as an excuse to send her away. With both daughters gone, he wouldn’t have a reason to return home more frequently than necessary. For appearances’ sake.
She grew quiet, dropping her head a little and pleading, “Don’t let me go.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, my insides knotting so tightly.
I didn’t want to let her go.
“He’s in the city tonight,” she said. “And my mother flew to Spain today to visit Ari. I have the whole house to myself. All night.”
Oh, Jesus. My chest caved.
What the fuck?
It was everything I wanted.
Don’t do this to me.
She smirked. “Suddenly you have nothing to say?”
And I shook my head, more to myself than her.
She could be anyone.
I could get from anyone what I got from her.
I didn’t want her in my head.
I don’t want this. I wanted her to stay perfect.
She’d find out, and it would be over.
Don’t stay, I told myself. And don’t come back.
“We don’t have to talk,” she told me. “I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower. You might join me, and I’d want that. And afterward, I’m going to climb into my bed to sleep, and you might join me. I’d want that, too.” She closed her eyes, looking like her heart was breaking. “I just want you here or wherever I am.”
She walked slowly toward the doors, finding her way into the foyer, and I followed her, watching her climb the stairs up to the bathroom.
Nothing sounded better than nestling in the warmth of her and her bed tonight.
But instead, I walked past the staircase, through the kitchen, and out the backdoor, locking it behind me as I left the house.
She could be anyone, I told myself. Anyone.
And I’d prove it.
Hours later, I drove Michael’s Mercedes G-Class, his brother next to me, and Will and Rika in the back.
Michael had left a while ago, pissed off at Rika for whatever reason and soothing himself with Kai and some booze and leaving her in our care.
It was perfect. I needed this.
I needed someone else. Someone who was nothing.
“Why are you wearing your mask?” Rika asked Trevor who sat quietly in the passenger’s seat.
I smiled to myself. She thought he was Kai, because he wore Kai’s mask. We weren’t going to tell her any differently, because Michael’s brother had a bone to pick with her, and so did I.
Nothing personal, kid. You’re just a distraction.
“The night’s not over yet,” I teased.
We raced down the dark, empty highway, heading in the direction of her house—where she thought we were taking her—but that wasn’t where we were going.
“You want him, don’t you?” I asked, playing with her. “Michael, I mean.”
She just looked out the window, ignoring me.
She was sixteen. Did she really think she’d keep him entertained? Satisfied?
Girls that young haven’t even grown into their bodies yet. Kind of pathetic really, the hopes they dreamed up. Like we’d fall in love just as we were starting to have fun?
“Shit,” Will groaned, his drunk-ass like a limp dick sitting in his seat next to her. “She’s ready to ride a fence post with how horny she is for him.”
Both of us laughed. “Don’t be an asshole, man,” I told him. “Maybe she’s just horny, period. Bitches have needs, too, after all.”
I winced inwardly, knowing how fucking nasty I just sounded.
I shook it off and watched Rika in the rearview mirror, her body going rigid and barely breathing. Her helpless eyes drifted to Kai, probably wondering why he wasn’t stepping in and shutting us up, but that wasn’t Kai and she had no heroes in here.
“We’re just messing with you,” Will drawled. “We do it to each other, too.”
He smiled at her, his eyes closing as he drifted off.
“You know, the thing about Michael…” I continued, resting my head back against the seat as I drove, “he wants you, too. He watches you. Did you know that?” I shot her a look in the rearview mirror. “Man, the look on his face when he saw you dancing tonight.”
She’d looked pretty good, actually, but it was nothing compared to the places Winter took me when I watched her.
I laid on the gas, speeding past Rika’s house and racing toward my oblivion where Winter didn’t exist.
Forget her. Just forget her.
I saw her shoot up in her seat, watching her house pass and me not stop.
“Yeah,” I went on. “He never gets that look over a girl. I’d say he was damn close to taking you home and popping that little cherry of yours.”
“Kai?” Rika protested, not wanting to deal with me. “We passed my house. What’s going on?”
“You want to know why he didn’t take you home?” I asked her, hitting the locks so she couldn’t jump out. “He doesn’t like virgins. He never wants to be that important to someone, and it’s a lot less complicated to fuck people who know there’s a difference between sex and love.”
She turned her gaze from Will to Kai to me, fear in her eyes.
Sex and love.
Boys will be boys, and she teased you, didn’t she? She wouldn’t let you have it, I heard my mother’s voice in my head.
Sex was power. Degrading, filthy, mean, unclean power.
Love always hurt. Sooner or later.
“Where are we going?” Rika demanded.
But I ignored her. “You saw the girl at the old church today,” I mused, remembering her in the catacombs watching the guy and girl on our first Devil’s Night stop. “You liked it, didn’t you?”
I turned left, down a dark gravel road, and I saw her try to peer out the front windshield to see where we were going.
“You wanted to be her,” I said. “Pushed down on that floor and fucked…”
Because even as unclean and degrading as sex was, the feelings were strong, and they were real. Sex and fear were the only things that made you real.
Little girls just don’t understand what boys need, my mother would say.
It was the one thing she was right about. We didn’t need anything we didn’t take ourselves. No questions, no tears, no touching or soft words… Just fucking sit there and don’t try to be special.
“You know why?” I asked Rika. How I knew she wanted to be that girl, pushed down and fucked? “Because it feels good. And we’ll make you feel so good if you let us.”
Her eyes raced from Kai to me to the locked doors as worry set in.
“You know,” I told her. “When guys let a girl into their gang, there are two ways for her to be initiated.” I pulled the car to a stop in the middle of the woods on the isolated road. “She either gets beat-in.” I shut off the car, killed the lights, and locked eyes with her in the rearview mirror. “Or fucked-in.”
She shook her head. “I want to go home.”
Her voice sounded so fucking pitiful, and she looked like a kid, sinking to the bottom of a river, not wanting death but knowing it was coming.
No, don’t. I don’t want to, I remember myself saying when I was a kid, and I had no power.
But like me, there was nothing Rika could do.
“That’s not one of the choices, Little Monster,” I taunted.
Both Trevor and I turned our heads, staring straight at her.
She lost it, realization dawning. She grabbed the door handle and yanked on it over and over again, frantic to get out.
“We can take what we want from you,” I warned, opening my door. “One after the other, and no one would believe you, Rika.”
I climbed out, moved to her door behind me, and opened it, yanking her out as Will still slept it off in the other back seat.
Slamming the door shut, I pushed her up against it, pressing my body into hers and holding her wrists down at her side.
Was I doing this? For real?
“We’re untouchable,” I told her, looking down at her. “We can do whatever we want.”
She breathed fast, in shallow breaths, squirming against me.
Trevor had gotten out of the car and come around behind me.
“Kai, please?” she begged for his help, still not knowing it was Michael’s brother behind the mask. He’d had the hots for her forever, but she couldn’t stand him. She wanted his older brother, and he was pissed.
“He won’t help you,” I muttered.
And then I pinned her hands over her head, against the car as she cried out.
“I’m going to feel so good,” I whispered against her forehead and closed my eyes, envisioning Winter in my hands.
If I get it through my head and treat her like trash, then I can do the same things to Winter. I can throw her away.
Like nothing.
Reaching behind her, I grabbed her ass. “You know you want to ride this.”
“Damon,” she gasped, turning her head away, “take me home. I know you’re not going to hurt me.”
“Oh, yeah?” I threatened. “Then why have you always been afraid of me?”
Did she really believe I wouldn’t do this? Or did she think she could talk me down?
I had no respect for her. She had no value. She was a warm body.
Yeah, she saved my ass earlier when we torched the gazebo in town. But if I couldn’t have Winter, then Michael wasn’t having Rika. If anyone deserved to come tonight, it was Winter. Who did Rika think she was?
I held her wrists above her head with one hand, pawed her ass with the other, and kissed a trail across her cheek.
I want this.
“Damon, no!” she shouted. “Let me go!”
But then I slammed my mouth down on hers, my teeth cutting into my mouth, and I just tried to see Winter in my head. It was her.
Hurt her. It would be over if I could just hurt her and break her goddamn heart.
“Help!” Rika cried.
“He doesn’t want you,” I whispered, running my hand up her body and cupping her breast, my stomach rolling with nausea as I felt her struggle.
Please, I don’t want to.
Shhh, baby, I heard my mother again.
Oh, God.
“But we do, Rika,” I choked out, clearing my throat and forcing myself on. “We want you so bad. Being with us will be like having a blank check, baby. You can have anything you want.” I bit her bottom lip. “Come on.”
She jerked away, growling, “I’ll never want you!”
Fine. I grabbed her by the collar, hauled her away from the car, and flung her over to Trevor in his waiting arms.
“Kai,” she gasped, a shred of hope left in her voice.
“Maybe you’ll want him, then,” I said.
Trevor wrapped his arms around her, crushing the little monster.
“Stop!” she yelled.
And then she raised her hand, slapping him across the mask.
A pang of admiration hit me and I faltered, seeing more of Winter in her than I wanted to. She was a fighter.
Hit him again. Like I should’ve done to my mother long before I finally did.
Hit him again.
Hit me.
But he threw her onto the ground, her body landing on the cold, wet leaves, and she flipped over, scurrying backward, trying to get away.
Trevor lunged for her, coming down on top of her, and I cocked my head, watching carefully.
He looked like he was whispering something in her ear, but I couldn’t hear.
Then she belted, “Get off me!”
He grabbed her hair, shouting back to me, “Hold her arms!”
“No!” Rika cried, thrashing and kicking. “Get off!”
I didn’t budge.
Trevor held her hands above her head with one hand and her neck with the other, and she tried to get free of his hold but couldn’t.
She couldn’t.
She couldn’t stop what was happening.
I blinked. No. I didn’t want this. I wanted to scare her. Threaten her, frighten her, run to the edge and nearly lose my balance, but…
She fought. Like many of us should have learned how to do so much sooner.
“Enough,” I said.
But he didn’t hear me. He kept struggling with her.
I said it louder, “Enough!”
Trevor froze for a moment, turning his head.
I charged over, grabbed him, and threw him off, reaching down and dragging Rika back up to her feet by her sweatshirt.
“Stop crying,” I gritted out, holding her by collar. “We weren’t going to hurt you, but now you know that we can.”
I grabbed her by the back of her hair, her face flushed, upset, and still scared out of her mind, just like Winter that first night I broke in. “Michael doesn’t want you, and neither do we,” I breathed out. “You get that? I want you to stop watching us and stop following us like a pathetic dog begging for someone to notice her.” And then I shoved her away, seeing Winter stumbling back from me. “Get a fucking life of your own, Rika, and stay the hell away from us. No one wants you.”
Tears welled in her eyes, and she spun around and ran into the forest, toward her home, as fast as she could.
“What the hell was that?” Trevor spat out, whipping off his mask.
His blondish hair was sweaty, and he scowled at me as he shot Kai’s mask to me like a basketball. I caught it and turned away, yanking the car door open and climbing in.
I wanted to fuck with her. Maybe fuck her, too, or anyone just to get my head clear—but goddammit—that wasn’t…
He wasn’t stopping.
She wasn’t having fun.
She believed she was in actual danger, and all I could feel was my mother on top of me like Trevor was on top of her.
It gets hard when I do that. That means you like it.
No, it didn’t.
I dropped the mask in the passenger’s seat and started the car, seeing Trevor shoot off, racing toward his side of the car.
“What the hell are you doing?”
But I didn’t wait. With Will still passed out in the back, I hit the gas and sped off in reverse, ignoring Trevor’s curses and shouts as he chased my headlights.
You can fucking walk home.
I drove to the end of the gravel road, not stopping as I launched back onto the highway without a single pause for any oncoming traffic, and shifted into gear, speeding back down the dark, quiet road.
I gripped the steering wheel, gripping the hair on my head as I rested my elbow on the window.
“What the fuck?” I muttered.
What did I just do?
Was I actually going to hurt her?
But I did hurt her.
She came out tonight, saved my fucking ass in town earlier, and I… I fucking attacked her. She stood up for me, and all I saw was trash and a threat.
All that spirit, and I beat it down. I treated her like garbage, and instead of feeling powerful, I only saw a little boy on the ground, crying and heartsick, because he couldn’t stop what was happening to him.
Rika would hate me. She’d never look at me again.
I pulled into Will’s house and parked right in front, unloading him from the car, and heaving him over my shoulder. Climbing the steps up to his house, I dug his keys out of his back pocket, unlocked his huge iron door, and stepped inside, quickly punching in the security code we all had memorized years ago.
The house was quiet and dark, but I could always smell the hydrangeas his mother kept on the foyer table in various colors. Sometimes they were blue, sometimes white. Today, they were purple and always made the house look happy as soon as you entered.
Out of everyone’s houses, I liked Will’s the most. It was newer, more spacious with room to walk and breathe, and it was bright with high ceilings. He had two older brothers who left home a few years ago, off making the world a better place. Will was the youngest. And the most trouble for his parents.
I took him up to his room, plopped him down on the bed, and saw him yawn and pull his comforter over his body. He looked like a burrito, and it was the first time all night I actually felt a smile I wore.
Will and I were cut from the same cloth, both always diving too deep for our own good, he with alcohol and drugs and me with the pain I needed to inflict.
Rain started to patter his window, and I looked up at it, the drops streaming down the glass like being in a fountain and watching the falls spill from the bowl above.
Winter.
That was the only place I wanted to be right now. She was alone in that house, the fountain spilled outside, and she wanted me there.
Grabbing a pair of clean jeans and a T-shirt from Will’s closet, I strolled into his bathroom and showered, washing my hair and body to get Rika off. To get the cigarettes off.
To just get every shitty thing I did tonight off.
After I was clean, I dressed and left, taking Winter’s key, my wallet, and my phone, and quickly jumped back into Michael’s car and headed for her house. It was almost two. I would have a few hours with her, at least, until I ran the risk of her father coming home.
But when I arrived, I saw the gates were open. Did he come home early?
I killed the lights and slowed the engine, noticing no cars parked in front of or on the side of the house, and no lights on in the home. Maybe she left the gates open for me. I almost smiled. I liked that idea.
I pulled the G-Class off the side of the driveway, out of sight in the trees on the lawn, just in case, and got out of the car, taking her key with me.
I darted inside and locked the door again, looking around and alert as I climbed the stairs.
When I cracked her bedroom door open, I immediately spotted her body under a sheet on the bed. The shadows of the rain on the window danced across her form as she lay on her side, and I closed the door quietly, stepping up to the foot of her bed and watching her sleep.
Heat coursed through every inch of my body, seeing her there, looking so warm and peaceful.
She was so small and gentle and delicate.
But there was fire in there.
She never lied or pretended she was someone she wasn’t. She couldn’t see what I was, but she felt it and recognized it in herself, and we were able to find each other and feel that it was right. I didn’t know how it happened, but it was why I was always drawn to her. Since we were kids. She saw everything.
I picked up the bottom of the sheet and pulled it softly from her body, seeing she was in a white, silk night shirt, loose and flowing down her arms but bunched up around her waist. I stared at her. My territory.
If my friends touched her like I touched Rika tonight, I’d kill them. Without pause.
She let out a little whimper, taking in a deep breath. “Is that you?”
She pulled her shirt down and propped herself up on an elbow, her head moving around the room.
“Yeah,” I replied quietly.
She followed my voice and smiled.
I set my knee down on the bed, coming down on her as she settled onto her back, and I rested my body on top of hers as I planted my elbows under me and held both sides of her head. I slid my fingers into her hair and touched my forehead to hers, breathing her in and feeling her body underneath mine.
She scaled her fingers up my back, whispering, “What’s wrong?”
I closed my eyes, having no idea where to start. “I fucked up,” I whispered back.
She rubbed me, and I soaked in her heat, the rain hiding us from the world, and still wondering how she got inside me—inside my head and my…
“Need to hide for a while?” she asked, a lilt of comfort in her voice.
And I nodded. “Yeah.”
For as long as I could.
We kissed, softly at first, but my body became aware of hers, and she wanted to feel everything, her hands going under and inside my clothes.
And as we stripped, and I thrust inside of her, I knew without a doubt that this is who I would’ve been if I hadn’t become me. If I hadn’t learned to cope with pain in all the worst ways growing up in that house and denied taking any responsibility for the man I became.
I would’ve gone to school, played basketball, laughed with my friends, and snuck into my pretty little girlfriend’s house at night to make love to her, delirious in no other need than to be good, because I wasn’t so twisted that I needed anything else to be happy.
This is what I might’ve had forever if I hadn’t lied.
A few hours later, we laid together, the rain lighter now as she rested her head on my chest and ran her hands over my body, memorizing every line and chord.
“The scars on your body…” she said quietly. “Your scalp, under your arm, your groin. Places people don’t see.”
I stroked her arm with my thumb as I held her, already knowing where she was going with it. I stopped cutting when I was fifteen. The night my mother left.
But some of the marks never truly healed. It was a good thing I was smart about where I did it, so my clothes always covered it.
“I had a classmate in Montreal who had scars like that,” she went on, “but she didn’t bother to hide it. It was everywhere. She had to leave and go to a hospital.”
I stroked her arm still, my breathing even and calm.
“Where were you for two years?” she asked.
“Not in a hospital.”
I knew what she suspected, but this was all so much more complicated than she knew. Not everyone needed help to stop hurting themselves. Some of us just traded in one coping mechanism for another.
She didn’t see me for two years, because Damon was trying to stay away. And then he was at college.
“Someone taught me a long time ago that pain releases pain,” I explained. “So when I was younger, I cut, poked, scratched, and burned myself, so I wouldn’t feel everything that hurt. And then I realized, it felt even better to hurt everyone else.”
“But not me?”
She had a teasing tone, but if she only knew. None of this was a joke.
I smirked anyway. “I did some damage.”
She just didn’t know how much yet.
“Don’t make me answer questions,” I told her. “You won’t like the answers.”
“But I need them.” She turned her face up to me.
“I know.”
I knew it was coming. Once the sex happened, she didn’t want to be away from me.
And in all honesty, I didn’t want to be away from her.
I just needed to make sure she listened to me. That she heard me out and couldn’t run away. That there was no one around to interfere before she was able to process it.
If I wanted to keep this, it was my only chance.
I tipped her chin up, looking down at her. “My family has a cabin in Maine,” I told her. “There’s already snow. It’s gorgeous up there. One phone call and it’s stocked for us. Get dressed and come with me now.”
“What?”
“Once we’re there,” I explained, “I’ll tell you everything. Just for a few days, and then I’ll bring you home.”
She pulled her head up, a puzzled look on her face. “Taking me to a remote location where I can’t run away?”
“I’ll make sure you won’t want to leave,” I teased, pulling her back on top of me and holding her face. “I promise.”
She’d be unbelievable angry, but it was the only thing I could do to make sure she absorbed it and got a chance to see past it. To make sure she knew the man I was with her was what was real.
“A cabin?” she pondered. “Like for skiing? I don’t have to ski, right?”
“We’re not going to fucking ski.” I kissed her, nibbling and teasing. “We’re going to eat and drink and screw and probably fight a little, but we’re not leaving the cabin.”
A ping sounded from my phone, but I ignored it.
She sat there, straddling me as I kissed and bit, teasing her and luring her, but she stopped moving or responding.
I pulled back, seeing the worried look on her face.
“You don’t want to go,” I guessed.
But she sighed, looking ready to cry. “I do,” she said. “God, I do. I want to be alone with you for days and days. It would make me so happy, but…”
But what?
She paused, more notifications dinged from my phone, but I just held her face, waiting for her answer.
“I am a minor,” she pointed out. “Technically, anyway. If my father overreacts, it could be considered kidnapping, taking me over state lines without my parents’ permission.”
I almost laughed, intrigued by the adventure, but then again, she was right. Even if she got over learning who I was and walked back to this town, her hand in mine, not only would I have to face the reality that I’d just run away for the weekend with the mayor’s underage daughter, but that he would undoubtedly know I’d gotten into her pants.
He might forbid us from seeing each other.
But he wouldn’t press charges. That was drama and gossip and embarrassing for all parties involved. He’d want to keep it as quiet as possible.
I was who I was, and so was my father. Griffin Ashby wouldn’t take it that far.
And nothing would keep me from her. I’d love to see him try. I almost looked forward to it.
Fuck it. We were going.
I snatched up her bottom lip between my teeth, a smile in my voice. “My kind of fun has a price.”
She laughed, looking excited, and nothing mattered more than where we’d be in a few hours. Alone, quiet, just us.
I didn’t even want to stop at my house for clothes.
My phone started ringing, hers beeped, as well, and she reached for it, but I pulled her hand back, starting to get hard again.
Shit. We didn’t have time for this. We had to leave.
My phone dinged again.
And again and again, one right after the other.
What the fuck? If Michael needed his car back that badly, track it and come get it, for Christ’s sake. It was fucking early.
I pulled away from her mouth and growled as I reached over the side of the bed and felt for my phone. Finding it, I picked it up and turned it on, looking at the screen as she kissed my neck.
Instagram notifications, tags, tweets, PMs with article links…
What the fuck was this?
It all hit me at once, my nerves firing as I tried to make sense of what I was seeing. And then I clicked on a tag, a dark video popping up with the sound off, but it didn’t matter. My heart stopped, instantly recognizing what I was seeing.
Winter and me in the bathroom night before last night.
The video on the group phone. It did take.
After it fell to the bathroom floor, it only recorded the ceiling, but it was still going. All the sounds we made would be on there and…
My eyes raced, scanning for who posted it, the comments, and then seeing my other notification and that it had been posted on multiple social media sites by several people, shared and retweeted like crazy.
Dread rolled through my stomach, and I caught another video I recorded of Kai and Will beating the shit out of a man who had been beating the crap out of his little sister.
Unfortunately, the man was also a cop, and Kai and Will’s faces are also visible.
And mine, along with Winter’s on our video, wasn’t hidden at all.
The comments raged, throwing shit at all of us, and I couldn’t look anymore. I closed my eyes. “Oh, my God,” I muttered.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, still kissing me.
Notifications were piling up, my phone still beeping, and I silenced it.
How did this happen? Where was the phone?
Jesus, my hands were shaking.
Will always handled the phone on Devil’s Night. If we were all in on a prank, he filmed it. I gave it back to him after we got into the village last night to go to Sticks.
But it wasn’t in his pockets last night when I searched for the keys. Where was his sweatshirt?
And then everything fucking hit me like a truck.
Rika.
The tear in the sleeve I saw when I held her wrists last night. That wasn’t her shirt. She’d grabbed the wrong one when she left the warehouse. She’d been wearing Will’s hoodie.
I shot up, forcing Winter off me as I sat up.
“Fucking Rika.” I rubbed my eyes, wrapping my head around the shitstorm about to ensue. “Motherfucker.”
“Rika Fane?” Winter questioned. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t think.
Looks like she’d responded to what happened last night. To what she thought Will and I were in on and Kai was a part of, not knowing it was Trevor Crist instead.
God, I was so stupid. I was afraid she’d hate me and never forgive me, but she found the fucking phone in the pocket and dealt with us for good by uploading those goddamn videos. I’d underestimated her.
It was one thing to get caught with Winter by her father. But no one survived the jury of public opinion. Our mistakes—reprehensible to those on the outside who didn’t understand—were laid bare to everyone who had an opinion, and there would be no choice. We’d have to be held accountable.
I quickly texted the guys.
We’re so fucked!
And then I added, letting them know:
Rika has the phone! She had Will’s sweatshirt last night!
As far as I saw, Michael wasn’t in any of the videos. Of course. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt her little crush.
I stood up, pulling on my jeans.
“Get dressed,” I told Winter. “We gotta get out of here.”
But she just knelt on the bed, facing me. “What’s wrong?”
“Now,” I ordered, sticking my phone in my back pocket and looking for my shirt.
But she didn’t move. “You’re scaring me,” she said.
“So what else is new?”
I gathered up my shit, making sure I had Michael’s keys, but when I looked at her again, she still wasn’t budging.
“I said get dressed. Let’s go.”
Her head turned toward her phone, hearing notifications go off for her, as well. One after the other.
She dropped her voice, demanding, “What’s happening?”
I stood there, not knowing what the hell I could do to salvage this. How did I get her out of here and gone and make this all go away so she never found out the nightmare that was happening out there right now?
But behind me, I heard an engine racing at full speed down the driveway.
She knew something was wrong. She wouldn’t run with me like this.
And they were already here.
Dropping my shit, I dug out a cigarette and lit it, staring at her with the sheet wrapped around her body and just wanting to dive into her hair and lips and the warmth of her bed just minutes ago.
How did so much change in such a short time?
She heard the lighter, smelled the smoke, a troubled look crossing her beautiful face. “You smoke?” she asked so quietly.
I could hear the tires screech to a halt outside and the doors slam.
I darted my eyes to hers. “Don’t let me go,” I told her, breathing hard. “No matter what you hear or what they say, don’t let me go.”
She shook her head. “What do you mean?” And then she turned to where her phone sat again, flustered. “My phone’s going berserk. What’s happening? Please?”
“Winter!” her father shouted from downstairs, suddenly in the house.
And I dove in, brushing her lips with mine as he charged up the stairs.
“Don’t let me go,” I whispered.
But then her door was thrown open, her father entered with another man in tow, and he charged me.
“Oh, you son of a bitch! Get away from her!”
He threw a punch, and it was the first time in years I hadn’t been ready to fight back. I didn’t even want to. If I lost her, I didn’t even care.
His fist landed across my jaw, and I fell into her nightstand, the lamp on it crashing to the floor with me.
Winter started gasping. “What’s going on?”
A kick shot into my stomach, and I grunted, wincing as he did it again.
“Dad, stop!” she cried, climbing off the bed. “Leave him alone!”
The other guy pulled her back, and I recognized him as Mr. Kincaid, my old dean. He gripped Winter by the arms as she struggled to free herself.
“You sick little shit!” Ashby growled at me. “I threatened a restraining order and you do this? You’re going to fucking jail for this. How dare you!”
He came down, landing another punch, and I clenched my teeth, holding my stomach.
Winter.
“Restraining order?” she repeated. “What?”
Please no. Please don’t find out like this. Fuck.
“How could you have sex with him, Winter?” her father shouted. “What were you thinking?”
She held the sheet around her body, shaking her head. “How do you know that? What’s happening?”
She doesn’t know anything. She doesn’t know about the video being leaked, me…
“Call Doug Coulson,” Ashby told Mr. Kincaid. “Tell him we have Torrance here and to get his ass over here on his rounds picking up all the rest of the little shits.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, barely feeling him grip my hair as I waited for Winter to understand.
It was over. She’d hate me.
“Torrance,” she breathed out, hearing what her father had said. “Damon Torrance?”
I looked at her as he pulled my hair, making my scalp burn. “Winter,” I begged.
“What?” she said to herself, still processing.
I tried to move toward her. “Winter.” But I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I shouted at Kincaid who just stood there with his hands all over a nearly naked girl. “Get her some fucking clothes!” I told him.
Oh, Jesus. He was having me arrested.
But I didn’t care about that as much as I worried that she wasn’t responding to me. Please don’t leave me.
“Winter, listen to me,” I said. “It’s not what you think.”
“It’s Damon Torrance?” she asked the other men.
“You didn’t know?” her father asked. “You didn’t know who this was?” And then he glared at me, baring his teeth as the full measure of what had happened between us sunk in. “What did you do?”
“Winter, listen to me,” I pleaded.
But she started sobbing and covering her mouth with a hand. “Get out!” she screamed, backing up into Kincaid and as far away from me as she could. “Get him out! Get him out!”
Ashby hauled me up, blood dripping from my lip.
“Winter, please.” I begged.
“No more!” she put her hands over her ears, backing up into the wall. “Just die and leave me alone!”
She raged, and the backs of my eyes burned, but I watched as she buried herself in Kincaid’s chest, shielding herself from me like I was going to hurt her.
Like I was a monster.
Just die and leave me alone.
“I hate you!” she growled. “You’re a horror, and you had to lie, because you knew I’d never want you! No one would ever love you! Get out!”
Kincaid pulled her in, putting a blanket around her shaking body as she cried.
“Don’t let him near me again,” she pleaded. “Please, don’t let him touch me.”
I looked down at my hands as Ashby pushed me out of the room, away from her, and all the pain and loss spun like a cyclone in my brain.
I would never want you. No one would ever love you.
I’d defiled her, like I knew I would.
She would never dance like an innocent again.
She’d never have the wonder in her eyes she had when she was on that motorcycle.
I’d changed her forever. I’d bent and twisted and broken everything that made her the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.
