I woke up much earlier than I liked for a Saturday morning. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to the rocking of the bus that told me when we were back on the road. I didn’t leave the stateroom last night even after Loren made his presence loud and clear. I didn’t want to allow him to take his anger out on me—even if it wasn’t entirely misplaced. Guilt didn’t mean I had to be his punching bag.
By now, he and Houston probably knew what I’d done with Rich. I didn’t think that Rich would kiss and tell, but something had tipped them off. It was hard not to remember the thrill of Rich fucking my mouth and the power I felt when pleasing him.
Some have a natural instinct for sex. Some need to be taught to let go. The rest spend their entire lives fucking and never quite get it.
Anyone who knew what to look for would see right through me.
I’d been taught that sex outside of the marriage bed was a sin for which there could be no forgiveness. It contradicted the teachings of a merciful God, but my parents had been adamant. I’d burn in hell for all of eternity.
Whore.
Sinner.
Doomed.
How else could I rationalize dropping to my knees for Rich less than a day after spreading my legs for Houston?
I loved every moment.
Being with Houston and Rich had bared more than just my body. I hadn’t felt free until I let them touch me, hold me…use me. I had an agenda when I agreed to do this tour, and now there was something in it for me.
If I truly had a sickness, I hoped I never found a cure.
This time I wouldn’t be left alone. The three rock stars sleeping on the other side of the door wouldn’t use my body and then blame me for enticing them. They wouldn’t run into the light and beg for salvation. Houston, Loren, and Jericho had no interest in being saved. It was in the darkness that they thrived.
My thoughts were too chaotic to lull me back to sleep, so I dragged myself from the bed and relieved my bladder. With only one eye barely open, I shuffled out of the bedroom as quietly as I could. The last thing I wanted was to wake the prom queens. The windowless bunk area was still dark despite it being morning and filled with the loud snores of a slumbering bear.
Rich.
Now that I was back on the island, I planned to invest in a pair of noise-canceling headphones. Otherwise, I had a year of sleepless nights ahead of me.
I made it three more steps before I was stopped by a muscled arm lined with thick veins that shot out and blocked my path. The passage was narrow and the arm long enough for the strong, talented fingers to connect with my empty bunk. Staring back at me were eyes so dark that in the shadows of his bunk, I could only feel Loren watching me.
He was the last person I expected to find awake before dawn.
Houston was usually the early riser. My theory was that he used the quiet time alone to plot how to make the rest of our lives hell.
Leaning forward, the faint glow of the LED lights activated by the dark allowed me to see Loren’s tired eyes. I wondered if he’d been up all night and if it was for the same reasons that plagued me?
I’m so sorry.
I couldn’t tell him that, though, because Loren was too used to getting his way. I owed him nothing.
“Are you going to let me through? It’s too early in the morning for your shit, Lo.”
Loren stared at me for several heart-pounding moments before moving his arm. I thought I’d gotten off scot-free when that same arm hooked around my waist and proved me wrong.
I was lifted off my feet before I could tell him to let me go. I was then dragged inside the bunk and the darkness surrounding him.
I didn’t fight him when he placed me on the mattress next to him. Even with all the custom modifications they’d done, the bunks were narrow, and Loren took up a lot of space.
There was nowhere for me to go.
Spooning me from behind, Loren trapped me between his naked body and the wall. Who the hell slept in the nude with other people sleeping less than five feet away? All he wore was his medallion.
“Sorry, were you going somewhere?” the sarcastic ass finally spoke.
With sleep adding an extra dose of gruffness to his voice, my reaction was the same as drinking fine liquor. My belly warmed, and I was drunk instantly. If I were standing right now, I’d be swaying on my feet and then lying about the cause to keep my dignity.
“Yup.” Before I could push his hand away, his arm tightened around me, and I knew it wasn’t a reflex. By now, he knew my natural instinct was to fight even when I didn’t want to. “Do you mind?” I snapped. It was obvious he wouldn’t let go.
“Actually, I do. I’ve been staring at this fucking ceiling and listening to that whore snore all night,” he griped, referring to Rich. “I was finally drifting off when your rude ass stomped through here like you wanted to be noticed.”
“I was not stomping.”
“But you wanted to be noticed?”
I didn’t respond. Whatever I said, he’d find a way to twist it. Unfortunately, my silence spoke louder. I couldn’t see Loren’s face, but I knew he was smug.
“Jericho is not a whore,” I whispered and immediately felt lame. It was the only thing I could think to say with his footlong spreading my ass like a bun. I wanted to see for myself if he was truly as long and thick as he felt.
Please, God, no. It wouldn’t be fair for Loren to be this cocky and back it up.
Houston was big.
Rich was bigger.
Statistically, one of them had to have a little dick, right?
“Defending your boyfriend while you’re spooning his best friend’s dick? Real classy, baby fawn.” I rolled my eyes at his insistence on using a nickname that didn’t make any sense. I’d asked him a dozen times to stop, but he was determined to claim me any way he could.
Was Loren that desperate to have me or using me to provoke his friends? Houston wanted them to keep their hands off, but he never banked on me being the problem. Men never do. It’s why women made better spies and were ten times as lethal.
Rather than waste time explaining that Rich and I weren’t together when he already knew, I decided to kick him while he was already down. Loren’s mind might be sharp, but my claws were sharper.
“Jealous?”
I waited and waited for a response that never came. Had he finally fallen asleep? I tried to peer over my shoulder, but he held me too tight.
“Loren?”
“I don’t answer stupid questions.”
Don’t head butt him, Braxton. “No. You only ask them and then throw a tantrum when you don’t like the answer.”
Loren tucked his face inside my neck with a tired exhale that I felt in my bones. I hated myself even more for being the cause.
As if he could hear my mind turning, he said, “Go back to sleep, baby fawn.”
This time I found myself smiling at the nickname. I hadn’t broken him, after all. “I thought we had an agreement?”
“Yeah. So did I.”
I didn’t say anything after that. Shutting me up had been his plan, and it worked. There was no way I was going back to sleep, so I decided to recite the musical alphabet in my head. I needed something to distract me from wanting to ride his morning wood. By the time I reached F-sharp, the slow sound of his breathing, which told me he was asleep, pulled me under.
I woke up for the second time that morning, and the notable difference was that I wasn’t alone. The bus was still rocking, but I barely noticed it.
I noticed the hand underneath my shirt.
I noticed how it palmed my tit as if it belonged there.
If only I wore bras to bed. Honestly, I didn’t get those chicks. I hardly wore them when I was awake.
Loren’s audacity didn’t surprise me. Nor did the thrill I felt by it either. I’d been asking for trouble when I allowed Loren to snuggle me in the first place.
There was too much between us to pretend nothing was there at all. We’d already ruined each other, and when the pain began to dull, we stupidly ask for more.
“I know you’re awake,” he mumbled before kissing my neck and squeezing me until my hard nipple stabbed his palm. Realizing the bunk had grown darker despite the sun rising while we slept, I glanced over my shoulder.
The privacy curtain had been drawn.
Whatever was about to happen, Loren had planned it. Probably from the moment he put me in his bed. I guess he had to get his beauty rest first. With the two of us being the only ones awake, there was no one to stop us from causing more trouble.
“I’m awake.”
I didn’t object when he licked his thumb before finding my nipple and teasing it. “Want to play?”
“You were an ass to me, Loren. Why would I?”
Why indeed. Secretly, I wanted him to pull down my shorts and slip inside me in the dark. No one had to know.
“You fucked Houston,” he reminded me, but there was no anger in his voice. “And I’m not sure what you did with Rich, but, baby, I’m pissed.”
“We weren’t exclusive.”
“And now we’ll never be.” I felt him skim his lips over my shoulder. “We can still have some fun, though.”
Like icy shards cutting me deep and leaving me bleeding, I shut down. “Get off me.”
When he pretended not to hear me, I took his hand and flung it away. I felt the loss, but I ignored it. I tried to climb over him and leave, but he pushed me back and climbed between my legs. There wasn’t enough space for me to fight him and win.
“Shh, stop,” he whispered when I squirmed anyway. I was a second from damaging his pride and calling out to Houston when he said, “I’m sorry.”
“Fuck you.” I turned my head away to stare at the drawn curtain.
“Just say when as long as the answer is now.” From my peripheral, I could see him smiling down at me. He knew the effect his smile had on me. He knew how often it got me wet.
“I’m so sick of your toxic, narcissistic shit. Either treat me right or leave me alone.” Still refusing to look at Loren, I shook my head. I’d done nothing but dole ultimatums since meeting these assholes.
“That’s an easy one.” Leaning down, he brushed the tips of our noses together and then our lips. I hated how sweet his kisses were. They were the dangerous kind. The ones that convinced you to put up with more than you should. “I really am sorry, baby.”
“Are you?” I turned my head, letting our eyes meet. His gaze reminded me of the way light deceived when it broke the surface of the water. You never realize how deep the water reached until you were already drowning. “Prove it.”
“How?”
He sounded eager, and I was almost sorry for intending to make him regret it. “I want to sightsee today, and I want you to take me.”
“Done.”
“I’m not finished.” He looked wary now, and my sweet smile of false reassurance didn’t wipe the look away. “I want Houston and Jericho to come, I want you to be nice to them, and I want you to be nice to me. At least for today.”
I’ll just have to figure a way to convince him when tomorrow comes.
“You want me to do what?”
I didn’t repeat myself. He’d heard me the first time.
Blowing frustrated air through his nose, he considered my proposal.
“This isn’t a good idea,” he warned with a shake of his head. He had the cutest bed hair. The blond strands were ruffled from sleep, and I liked the look on him.
As he stared down at me, I felt sixteen again—only he’d be the cute boy next door. I wished I’d known him then. I wished it had been Loren I’d given my virginity and let use my body. I knew he would have stood by me.
“I don’t care. I’m done living my life afraid of what tomorrow brings.”
“Cool, so when we kill each other?”
I dug my nails into his naked back. “You’re going to be nice, remember?”
Loren rolled his eyes, and then slowly, his demeanor changed. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him look so defeated as he stared at the bedspread beneath me. “Tell that to them,” he mumbled.
When his gaze shifted to me, and I saw the uncertainty in it, I finally asked the question that had been nagging me since Oni brought it up. “What happened between you? Why aren’t you close anymore?”
Once again, I watched his mood shift. There was distrust in his eyes now since I shouldn’t know that they secretly hated each other. “Who says we aren’t close anymore?”
“You still call them your best friends, but you fight them like you’re not. Am I not supposed to notice how you’re always eager to get away from each other?”
“Friends fight,” he argued with a shrug. The careless demeanor he tried to give off didn’t match the angry curl of his lip. He was defensive, and that gave me hope when I shouldn’t care.
“They do,” I agreed. “But not like you. Not as often as you.”
I tried not to look so disappointed when Loren moved from between my legs to lay on his back next to me. When he was settled, he folded one arm beneath his head. “It’s this life,” he mumbled while staring at the ceiling. “We didn’t know how much we’d be giving up. We started to blame each other for our choices, even though we’d made them together.”
“You resent being famous?”
He shook his head. “I resent how much I needed it. I traded one fucked-up existence for another. We all did. The only one who really had a choice was Houston.”
I frowned at that. “So why did he do it?”
Turning his head, Loren stared at me for a long time, probably deciding whether it was safe to confide in me. I wish I knew the answer. I told Houston that I didn’t want to hurt them, but pain was often caused unintentionally.
“Rich…and me.”
Just as I was getting close, Loren decided he was done sharing. Ripping back the privacy curtain, he left me in his bunk alone.
Throwing my arm over my eyes, I wondered if, like them, I’d agreed to more than I had bargained. They were complicated at best and completely hopeless at their worst. Guarded, they were a labyrinth of emotions, questions, and riddles. I was traveling up this winding creek without a paddle, a map, or a clue. The hurdles they forced me to jump to reach them were high. I was already bearing the scrapes and bruises.
I summoned the energy to pull myself out of bed with a groan for the second time today. The moment I lifted my arm, I found Houston awake, sitting up and staring at me as if I’d kicked his kitten. Sensing I needed it to face the day, my mind conjured the image of Houston with a dozen kittens crawling all over him. I made sure he noticed the smile it brought as I hopped from the top bunk and landed on my feet.
“Coffee?”
I didn’t wait for his answer before prancing through the door leading to the kitchen.
He followed me, of course.
Houston was silent as he sat down at the small table no one ever used. I knew he was trying to figure out what I was up to and how far I’d gone with Loren in his bed. I hummed to myself just to piss him off as I tinkered with their fancy coffee machine. I was slowly getting the hang of all the bells and whistles.
“What are you up to, Fawn?”
Ah, so it speaks. I kept my back to him while the first cup filled. “What do you mean?”
“Why are you asking questions that are none of your business?”
“That’s your perspective. It’s not mine.”
“Cut it out, Brax. I fucking mean it. No more questions and no more pretending you care. None of us are going to fall in love with you.”
Jesus.
Every day, Houston gave me a new motive to murder him. I wondered if there was a time when he wasn’t so arrogant. I doubted it.
Grabbing the full cup when the machine stopped spurting, I set it down in front of him, knowing he liked it strong like me. Our black hearts beat the same hard rhythm.
“You’re right. I don’t care. I’m just curious.” I chose to ignore his claim that I was looking for love. I wouldn’t dignify his assumptions by answering them.
“Why?” he questioned after eyeing his coffee before pushing the cup away. I smirked. Surprisingly, it never crossed my mind to poison him.
“Why what?”
“Why are you curious?”
“That’s the thing about curiosity, Morrow. It’s random and often pointless. A passing fancy. Oh, look, I’m already bored.”
He stared at me a beat before his gaze narrowed.
Why yes, Houston, I do mean you.
“You’re bored?” he echoed so low I almost didn’t catch it.
I gripped the counter behind me in an attempt to appear casual. All it did was push out my chest. His gaze dipped briefly to my nipples poking through the thin tank before returning to me.
“Completely.”
“So you’re saying if I tried to kiss you right now, you wouldn’t let me?”
“Are you asking permission? You never cared about it before,” I tossed back.
“Irrelevant. Yes or no, Fawn?”
I kept my mouth shut.
When he slowly stood from his chair, I forced myself not to move. We both had a point to prove, and neither of us considered the consequences.
After all these months, he still hadn’t learned that I would never make it easy for him.
I could already feel Houston’s kiss intensifying the ache Loren had started between my legs. We both still had morning breath, for fuck’s sake, but it didn’t matter when he was this close. I was trapped against the counter with his hands on my hips. The tiny shorts I wore did nothing to protect me from his warmth.
Houston was a blazing inferno, and I was the match that lit him.
“Last chance, Braxton.”
“Go to hell, Houston.”
Smiling, he took his time, letting our lips meet. He was giving me the chance to make a choice, and I was still pretending I didn’t have one. It was irresponsible. Neither of us wanted to take the blame for what happened next.
He kissed me slowly and gently. The way he stroked my tongue with his reminded me of lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed with the sheets twisted around our tangled legs.
It was not at all what I expected.
With one kiss, Houston proved that he was the storm and the calm, and I, the destruction he left behind. As our lips continued to dance, my hands found his bare chest, moaning at the hard muscles there. I wanted him wrapped around me.
Feeling him pull away, I whimpered. If I weren’t too far gone, I would have been embarrassed. So much need in such a broken sound. I didn’t want to leave this dream world.
When I opened my eyes, he was staring down at me, mistrust and desire swirling in his green gaze.
“Play your stunts, Fawn. I do enjoy making you sorry.”
Undoubtedly, if there were a girl out there more daring than me, of the three, Houston would be the hardest to conquer. He considered himself responsible for his friends and what remained of everything they shared. Letting someone in meant lowering his guard and taking a chance that the person didn’t mean them harm.
I ached at the thought even as I spoke.
“Then piss me off, Morrow. That shouldn’t be too hard for you.”
