“Are you out of your mind?” Griff screamed the second I was done speaking. “Are their cocks really that amazing?”
I was sitting at the bar above our kitchen sink with an open bottle of wine next to me and my head in my hands while I ignored my best friend’s ranting.
Bound was leaving for Europe in three days.
What the hell had I done?
This all felt like déjà vu, except I wasn’t in love with my bandmates when it happened before. It had been hours since the meeting with Savant. I half expected my exes—that felt so weird to say—to corner me in the parking lot after, but they didn’t. I think Houston, Loren, and Jericho shared my shock that I would finish the tour.
Maybe they were even upset?
I didn’t want to dwell on that possibility because it shouldn’t matter, and yet I couldn’t help being hurt by their rejection. I couldn’t erase the last eight months. I couldn’t erase my feelings for them. I’ve been trapped between two realities since walking out on them.
The truth that I’d fallen in love and the fact that we could never be.
I haven’t been okay.
I’d forgotten how to be without them, eat without them, sleep without them. I couldn’t even remember how to string a fucking chord without them. Trust me—I’ve tried to write many a sad song in order to purge these unrelenting thoughts inside my head.
Was Jericho still in love with her?
I couldn’t help but suspect that I had just been something to pass the time. Or perhaps he thought I could be a replacement for his long-lost love until he realized that I could never measure up. We never did get to have that talk. What if that had been what he wanted to tell me? I wasn’t as good as his precious Emily, who had him first, and I never would be.
Jealousy truly was bitter.
I took a sip of my wine to wash away the taste.
“What if Griffin’s right? Maybe you shouldn’t go,” Maeko suggested, pulling me from my spiraling thoughts. It figures she’d take Griff’s side since they were a thing now.
They hadn’t told me.
In fact, they’ve been trying to hide it since I returned. I guess they forgot I knew them too well. Griff and Maeko had taken advantage of my absence and set aflame something that had been kindling all along. Now they didn’t want to crash my sourpuss party with their happy news even though I was happy for them.
On the inside.
Deep down in my darkest depths, the romantic who still believed in love and happy endings but had been stomped to within an inch of her life was over the fucking moon for her best friends.
Yaaaaaay.
I groaned and dropped my forehead on the counter.
I can’t do this.
Maeko had been rubbing my back softly when her hand suddenly stopped mid-stroke. “What are you doing, ba—Griff?”
I snorted softly, and since my head was down, they couldn’t see my smile. It had been a while since I tasted chocolate.
“I’m sending an email to my boss to tell him that I’m cashing in on my vacation days, and then you’re calling yours,” Griff said to Maeko. I could hear her laptop keys clicking as she spoke.
“Okay, but why?”
“Because we’re not leaving her alone with those liars,” she decided as she continued to type. My head shot up from the bar and turned toward Griff. From here, I could see she was drafting an email from her perch on the couch. “They’ll just try to hypnotize her again with their magical penises.” I could see her green eyes rolling even though I was staring at the back of her head.
“Have faith much?” I snapped dryly. Maeko’s hand immediately resumed rubbing circles on my back.
“Yup,” Griff returned unapologetically. “I have absolute faith that you will fall for their bullshit again.”
The olives lingering in the air told me she wasn’t completely off base, which just pissed me off and made the room smell like it was burning. “Get fucked, Griff, ’kay?”
“Thanks, I will.” When she turned her head, she wasn’t quite looking at me. I felt Maeko’s hand pause again briefly, and a rushed breath left her before she started massaging me again.
I was this close to calling them out, but then my phone started ringing, and the name on the screen made my heart stop and my head forget everything else. I didn’t need the tartness on my tongue to tell me I hadn’t been expecting the call, and I didn’t need the copper stench that followed to tell me I was scared shitless of answering.
Maybe Griff was right.
I would need backup if just seeing one of their names on my caller ID made me want to weep myself into a puddle. It would be so much easier just to forgive them.
So. Much. Easier.
I’d also despise myself for all of eternity, so maybe not?
I lifted the phone, stood from the barstool, and pressed the green button as I made my way to my room. Maeko had seen who was calling, so I was sure Griffin would know soon too. It was mostly because of them holding my cell phone hostage those first few days that I’d remained strong, and they hadn’t let up.
Closing and locking my bedroom door, I went over to my bed, lay down, and stared at the ceiling for a while. I was half expecting him to have hung up when I finally lifted the phone to my ear.
“Hello?”
“You don’t have to do this,” Rich greeted me. His voice wasn’t as rough as it had been earlier, but it still lacked the smoothness I was used to. I wouldn’t allow myself to ask him why.
“I’m not doing it for you.”
“Then who are you doing it for?” he challenged.
Good question. “Is there a reason why you called, Jericho?”
“She’s not my wife anymore.”
I jackknifed into a sitting position while all emotions I promised myself I wouldn’t feel for him anymore came rushing back at once. He was quiet, and each stretch of silence tore away at the bricks I stacked to keep him out.
I could feel his pain. Could he feel mine?
I had no doubt we’d both be content to let the seconds, minutes, and hours tick by, pretending we weren’t silently reaching for each other through the phone. I’d wake up in the morning, and he’d still be there. I’d know because I’d hear his loud snores through the phone.
I almost smiled.
Almost.
“Congratulations,” I told him in the driest tone that belied my racing heart.
This changes nothing, you foolish thing.
“Thanks. Braxton?”
“Yes, Jericho?”
“I know you’re telling yourself that it doesn’t make a difference, but it does. We both know it. You were never a contender for my heart, Braxton Fawn. You were always the motherfucking champ.”
I did smile then as the sweet and mouthwatering scent of berries filled my nose. I didn’t know if it was luck or misfortune that had Griff pounding on my locked door a moment later, but I was saved from responding.
“Open this door right now, Braxton!”
I heard Rich’s throaty chuckle, followed by a muffled curse, and then someone’s teeth sucking and tasted cherries on my tongue. Oh, God. Fuck off, vagina.
“I guess you have to go now?” he asked me.
“Yup. Sorry. Mom isn’t letting me talk to boys until I learn how to spot one who’s obviously taken.”
Cheap shot, but the asshole deserved it.
Rich was quiet again and back to feeling ashamed, which was how it should be. We shouldn’t have been flirting.
“Tell me how to fix this,” he begged as Griffin continued to pound and shout obscenities through the door. She was quite possibly the most cynical person alive. Even if I forgave them, rest assured she never would.
God speed, Maeko.
“I’m not sure you can.” The weight of that truth settled on my shoulders, and I was just glad I was already sitting down. Roses. I smelled roses. “I didn’t think I ever could, but I’ve already forgiven you,” I told him honestly. “But I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”
He was quiet again and then… “You forgive me?” he whispered. There was relief in his tone and surprise too.
“You have a child that you haven’t been allowed to know—a child made in a union that you obviously still cared enough to keep after all this time. I know why you hesitated, and I understand. It’s why I can’t ask you to turn your back on that. I can’t be responsible for anyone else not being who they truly are. Including myself.”
“Braxton—”
“You freed me.” Closing my eyes, I felt like I could fly right now. “Houston? Loren? I know you’re listening.” I heard movement in the background and imagined them leaning in closer. “You freed me too,” I whispered to them. “But trusting you means asking me to bear that weight again, and…I can’t.”
I felt the apology on my lips, and I swallowed it.
I wouldn’t be sorry.
For a few blissful weeks, they could have asked me to lasso the moon, and I would have told them to hand me the rope.
But they didn’t fight for me with the truth.
They chose to lose me with a lie.
There was shuffling in the background as the phone switched hands and then heavy breathing coming through the phone.
Loren.
I knew it was him before he even spoke. I didn’t know how. I just knew.
“We hear what you’re saying, and I’m telling you it won’t be enough,” he warned. I could feel him seething even through the phone and clawed the sheets until they were gripped in my fist. “You want to finish the tour? Fine. But know this. It’s not over until it’s over. You staked your claim with an arrow through our hearts, and now you’re going to let us bleed.”
He hung up.
