I slide onto my seat for sociology just as Dr. Stein shuffles through a handful of papers at the podium and glance around the room looking for Carter, but don’t see him. Last week, he would sneak in at the last minute and then quietly slip out again as soon as class was dismissed. Since it was obvious that he wasn’t ready to talk, I gave him his space. But now we’re into the second week and nothing has changed. He’s still crashing at the football house. The only time he ventures to the apartment is when he knows I’m not there.
Does he really need to go to such lengths to avoid me?
Well, I’m done letting Carter skulk around campus and hide from me.
Five minutes into class, I take another peek around the room and discover that Carter has parked himself in the last row right next to the door. For the rest of the hour, I sit and stew. A mixture of emotions roils through me. I’m saddened that it’s come to this. I genuinely miss Carter. For years he’s been a part of my life. Sure, he used to annoy the hell out of me, but he was always there. Then we got together, and our relationship shifted. It became more than I ever dreamed possible and now…
Now it’s gone.
A void has been created in his absence. One that is impossible to fill.
I’m barely paying attention to the lecture when Dr. Stein calls on me to answer a question. My day goes from bad to worse as I stumble through an explanation. The more I grasp at straws, the more Dr. Stein’s brows slide together.
By the time I’m done rambling, I want to sink through my chair and vanish.
Five minutes prior to class ending, I pack up my bag and wait impatiently for her to release us. The moment Dr. Stein signals the end of class, I jump from my seat, ready to fly out of the room so that I can catch Carter before he disappears. It doesn’t take super sleuthing skills to realize that he intends to ditch me.
Again.
“Daisy, would you mind sticking around for a few minutes, please?”
Everything within me deflates at the sound of Dr. Stein’s voice. Carter turns, his gray gaze latching onto mine. Sadness passes over his face as he slips through the lecture hall door.
I’m so frustrated that I’m tempted to swear a blue streak. Instead of doing exactly that, I plaster a smile on my face as I turn and walk back down the steps to the lectern. “Hi, Dr. Stein, what’s up?”
She shuffles a few papers around and tucks them into a sleek burgundy briefcase. “How’s everything going, Daisy?”
I boost my smile and lie through my teeth. “It’s good. Why?”
She shrugs and leans her elbows on the podium as if settling in for a long discussion. Any hope I have of catching Carter disappears.
Her hazel eyes drill into mine. “You’re one of my best students and I’ve noticed lately that you’ve been distracted. You’re having problems with questions that would normally be easy for you to field.”
Embarrassed, I glance away before forcing my gaze back to hers. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.” My shoulders slump as I admit, “There is something going on, but I’m trying to work through it.”
“I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time.” Her eyes soften. “I hope you know that my door is always open, and you can come to me with any issue you’re struggling with.”
“I do. Thank you.” I force a smile and hitch my bag a little higher on my shoulder hoping that’s all she wants to discuss.
Instead of dismissing me, her voice lowers. “Normally I wouldn’t mention anything, but I feel like we’ve developed a personal relationship since you’ve been at BU.” She searches my gaze for confirmation. “Am I wrong about that?”
Not at all. Dr. Stein is right up there with a few of my favorite graphic arts professors.
I shake my head, giving her the go ahead to continue.
“You and Carter Prescott,” she pauses as if struggling to put her thoughts into words. “Were the two of you involved in a relationship?”
I blink, surprised that she’s bringing up Carter. “Yes, we were seeing each other.”
Her gaze remains unflinching as she drops her chin. “But that’s no longer the case?”
“No,” I admit quietly. “We’re…”
What?
Broken up?
Not technically.
On hiatus?
Sort of. Except Carter won’t talk to me.
Dr. Stein raises her brows as she waits for a response.
My shoulders slump. “Yeah, I guess we broke up.”
Up until now, I hadn’t wanted to accept that we were really over. I forced myself to believe that Carter would come back when he was ready, but that hasn’t happened. My God, the guy just sprinted away from me as if the hounds of hell were after him. Clearly that’s not a sign of someone who wants to work through their issues with me.
My face heats with the realization.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she says.
For the first time, I embrace the pain of our separation as it floods through my body. I haven’t done that yet. Not completely. I’ve been too busy lying to myself.
Ugh, I am such an idiot.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, me too.”
“Break ups are painful.” Her lips lift into a subdued smile. “I wish I could tell you that they get easier with age, but they don’t.”
I can’t imagine having your heart broken ever gets easier.
“Daisy?”
My gaze snaps to hers. “Yeah?”
“As difficult as this is, the last thing I want is for you to tank your senior year. Not over a boy. I know that may sound cold and uncaring, but I’ve seen how disconnected you’ve been this week. And if I’m seeing it in my class, I’m willing to bet that your other professors are seeing it as well.”
I blow out a steady breath as her words sink in. It’s not harsh, it’s exactly what I needed to hear. I’m grateful she noticed something was wrong and took the time to talk some sense into me. Not all professors would do that.
“I’ve known you since freshman year and I’ve seen how hard you’ve worked to be successful, don’t let something like this mar your accomplishments.”
I’ve been so caught up in the Carter situation that my work has been slipping through the cracks, and I can’t afford to let that continue. School is too important for me to not take seriously.
I nod. For the first time since my break up with Carter, I feel like some of my mental fog has cleared. Maybe now, I can find my way again.
She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. “Just remember, I’m here anytime you need to talk.”
“Thank you, Dr. Stein.” I pause and gather my thoughts. “I appreciate you pulling me aside.”
Her smile widens. “You’re welcome, Daisy.”
I hightail it from the classroom and decide to text Olivia to see if she wants to meet for lunch. Just as I’m about to race down the stone steps, my eyes collide with somber gray ones. I pause and my breath hitches.
I wasn’t expecting him to stick around. Carter raises a tentative hand in greeting and I do the same as I move in his direction. The breeze picks up and the scent of his aftershave hits me. Sadness pools in my belly.
Carter shifts his weight from one foot to the other and looks as uncomfortable as I feel. He glances away for a heartbeat and refocuses his gaze on me. I long to reach out and bridge the distance. But it’s not just physical, it’s emotional as well.
He squints against the autumn sunlight. “Do you have a few moments to talk?”
“Sure.” For two weeks, all I’ve wanted is to have a conversation with Carter and now that I’m being given the opportunity, I don’t know what to say.
“Good.” His shoulders tense as he points to a couple of picnic tables spread out across the grassy knoll. “Should we sit over there?”
I nod as we fall in line next to one another. Already this interaction feels painful and awkward. So many times, I remember him reaching out and grabbing my fingers, giving me a sweetly crooked smile.
He doesn’t do that now. His hands are tightened fists that hang at his sides. Not once does he glance my way as we walk to the table that is furthest from the path and the other students who are either working or eating lunch.
I drop my bag onto the bench and we take seats on opposite sides.
He clears his throat. “How have you been?”
This forced dialogue sucks. It was never like this between us. Not even when we were sniping back and forth at one another.
“Fine,” I say.
There’s no way I can tell him the truth. That I haven’t been fine at all. I feel like a big enough loser. The whole conversation with Dr. Stein has slammed that home. Which I’m grateful for. Maybe now I can stop chasing after a guy who doesn’t want me.
Taking me at my word, he nods and looks away.
I force myself to ask, “What about you?”
He shrugs. “I’ve been better.” Emotion flickers across his face before being tamped down.
I wait to see if he’ll elaborate, but he doesn’t. I’m beginning to wonder why he asked me here in the first place.
Carter glances at his hands which twist together on the table. “I’m sorry about what happened. None of it was your fault. It’s mine.”
“What exactly was your fault?”
He shakes his head. “All of it.”
I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table. “Are you talking about almost hitting that guy?”
He flinches. “Just…everything. It’s pretty clear that I can’t be involved in a relationship. I knew that going in and I ignored my better judgment.”
The way his eyes plead with mine for understanding nearly breaks my heart in two. But he needs to hear the truth whether he wants to or not.
“What happened wasn’t your fault, Carter,” I say. “That guy wouldn’t leave me alone. I told him politely, more than once, that I wasn’t interested. He should have walked away, and he didn’t.”
“I almost hit him.” His voice breaks, and his gaze drops to his clenched fists again.
“I know.” I reach out and lay my hands over his. I’m surprised when he doesn’t pull them away. The physical connection feels good.
“When I saw him yank your hair…” He shakes his head as if he doesn’t want to relive the memory again. “I lost it,” he rasps.
“No one blames you for that.” Not wanting him to get tripped up in the memories, I squeeze his fingers.
“I blame myself.” He swallows, and his face loses some of its sun-kissed color. “Throwing a punch because I’m angry is exactly how my father would have reacted.”
“You stopped yourself from doing it, Carter. That’s something your father never would have done,” I remind him.
He bites his lip as hope and doubt flicker across his face. For a moment I wonder if maybe we’re making headway. But his next words prove just how wrong I am.
“I can’t be in a relationship right now.” His gaze locks on mine, arrowing right to the heart of me. “I can’t be with you.”
What he’s saying rips all my hope to shreds. My first impulse is to reason with him, but I can talk until I’m blue in the face and that won’t change his mind. Carter believes that he and his father are cut from the same cloth. Nothing I say will change that.
It saddens me because nothing could be further from the truth.
There’s a viciousness to Philip Prescott that Carter could never possess. I’m not only heartbroken for myself, but for Carter as well because he’s cheating himself out of something wonderful. He’s unwilling to open himself up and take a chance.
The years he spent sleeping around and avoiding relationships now makes so much sense. Again, I’d assumed he was like a lot of guys around here, wanting to screw as many girls as possible, but that’s not the case. His issues lie so much deeper than that.
Perhaps too deep for me to battle on my own.
“Okay,” I sigh.
“Okay?” His eyes widen.
“What do you want me to say?” I shrug as a calmness settles over me and gives me a composure I didn’t think was possible. But I’m grateful for it all the same. “Do you want me to argue with you? To try and convince you that we should be together?”
Slowly he shakes his head. “No.”
There is a wealth of sadness in that word.
Carter twists his hands until they’re able to clasp mine. The fist that had been clenching my heart for the last two weeks loosens.
Just a bit.
Just enough for me to breathe again.
This isn’t the way I wanted our relationship to end, but it’s for the best.
“I care about you, Carter. More than I’ve cared for anyone else.” I keep my gaze trained on his, wanting him to accept the sincerity of my word. “I hope you realize that.” Before he can formulate a response, I add, “But I won’t beg you to be with me.”
With our hands clasped, I close the distance until I can press my lips against his. He opens willingly, surprising me again. My tongue slips inside his mouth to mingle and dance.
This is goodbye.
When I pull away, the sorrow filling his eyes tells me he understands that as well.
