As I lay on the bench in the gym and raise the bar before lowering it to my chest again, everything Daisy said the other day circles through my head. There’s a part of me that’s relieved by her acceptance of the situation. And then there’s a part that fucking hates it and doesn’t want to let her walk away.
But what can I do?
This is the way it needs to be. And yet, I can’t get her out of my head. She’s persistent as fuck. That’s always been the problem when it comes to Daisy. At some point, I have to reconcile myself to the fact that the emotions she stirs in me aren’t going to disappear overnight, no matter how much I might wish otherwise. She’s always meant more which is precisely why I need to proceed with caution.
I can’t take one step back and expect it to be enough.
I need to take ten.
Maybe twenty.
Irritated with myself for getting sucked into another Daisy loop, I refocus my attention and slowly lift the weights above my chest. When I hit the twentieth rep, I place the bar back on the stand and use my forearm to wipe the sweat from my brow. My muscles are fatigued, which is exactly what I want. I’m here so that I’ll stop thinking about Daisy but it’s not working. No matter where I go or what I do, there she is. Maybe not physically, but mentally.
It’s frustrating as hell.
How can I move on if she won’t get the hell out of my head?
The door to the weight room opens and in walks Noah. He sees me on the bench and pauses. We give each other a silent chin lift in greeting.
I hate that shit is weird between us.
Not only have I fucked up my relationship with Daisy, I’ve fucked it up with Noah as well. Even though Daisy says we’re cool, I can’t bring myself to move back to the apartment. It’s the whole ten steps thing. I can’t take a chance on relapsing.
If I have one weakness, it’s Daisy. I may have told her we can’t be together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want her. The truth is that I want her so badly it’s like a physical ache. One that’s eating me from the inside out. I don’t know what to do about it.
Noah pops his earbuds in and starts his rotation. I go back to what I was doing, pushing myself harder. We lift in silence for about thirty minutes before he stops and guzzles down a bottle of water.
Again, his gaze meanders to me.
This really sucks. It’s never been like this between us. Just like my relationship with Daisy, I have no idea how to fix this one either. When I think he’s going to get back to lifting, Noah pulls out his earbuds and drops down to the bench. His elbows settle on his widespread knees.
“You ever coming back to the apartment?” he asks.
Since I know he won’t like my answer, I shrug and lie. “Yeah, at some point.”
He picks up his water bottle and takes another drink. “Daze said you guys talked and everything is good.”
I wouldn’t go that far but, it’s as good as it’s going to get considering the circumstances. “Yeah, we’re fine.”
He cocks his head. “Missed you at dinner the other night. Mom wanted to know where you were.”
I wince before I can stop myself.
If Noah’s trying to make me feel guilty, he’s doing a damn fine job of it.
Marnie texted last week to let me know they were getting together for a family dinner. Being the coward that I am, I texted at the last minute with a BS excuse. Noah’s parents are aware of my relationship with Daisy. They also know that we broke up. I assume Daisy or Noah colored in all the ugly details.
How am I supposed to sit across from them with everything out in the open?
I couldn’t do it. The humiliation is too damn much to deal with.
Frankly, I’m surprised they want me around. Haven’t I already proven that I’m no better than my father?
Craig and Marnie can’t possibly want me with their niece. They’re probably thrilled we ended it.
Who can blame them for wanting to protect Daisy?
I glance away as heat creeps into my cheeks. “Something came up and I couldn’t make it.”
We’ve been friends long enough for Noah to realize when I’m feeding him a load of shit.
That’s confirmed when he shakes his head and snorts, “When the hell did you become such a pussy?”
My head whips up. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” he says gruffly. “I want to know when you became such a pussy?”
At a loss, I say nothing.
“I’ve known you since freshman year and you’ve always tackled everything head on.” Noah slices a hand through the air. “All this crap with your parents, you may not have wanted to deal with it, but you did. You’re always there, taking the brunt of your dad’s abuse like a punching bag.”
Whatever color had been filling my face, drains away until I feel light headed. Noah may know about the circumstances surrounding my family, but it’s not something we openly discuss.
So this…
I don’t like it. A sick knot settles in my gut as I break out into a cold sweat.
“And yet with Daisy, you’re tucking your tail between your legs and running away as fast as you can.”
My throat closes, making it difficult to breathe. His assessment of the situation is spot on. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to admit it. I can barely acknowledge it to myself, let alone him.
I clear my throat. “That’s not what I’m doing.” It takes effort to keep my voice level.
“The hell you are,” Noah snaps. “First you avoid Daisy, and now my parents? You won’t come back to the apartment. What’s next?” His lips flatten into a thin line and his eyes turn hard. “You gonna avoid me, too?”
I plow a hand through my hair and glance away.
How can I argue with him?
He’s right on all accounts and we both know it.
“It’s not that simple,” I rasp.
“Who the fuck said it would be?” There’s a pause. “I know how you feel about Daisy.”
My gaze lifts reluctantly to his.
“I also know you’ve always felt that way about her,” he continues.
I shake my head as more lies fall from my lips. “No. I—”
“Who the hell are you trying to fool?” He plants a hand on his chest and jerks his brows. “Me?” He shakes his head and smirks. “Nah, I’ve always been onto you, man.”
When I sit there mutely, he continues. “You know, when Mom first mentioned your interest in Daisy freshman year, I didn’t see what she was talking about but then I watched you for a while and realized that she was right. You’d push Daisy’s buttons and piss her off to keep her away but that didn’t work, did it?”
My head spins.
Marnie knew how I felt the entire time?
Noah, too?
“Why didn’t you say something?” I mumble, feeling like a jackass.
Noah shrugs. “It wasn’t my place. Plus, I was afraid Daisy would just mess with your head and move onto the next hapless victim, but you know what? You’re the one who’s fucked everything up, not her.”
Noah doesn’t sugarcoat his explanation.
“She deserves better than me.” My voice rises as panic sets in and I throw my arms wide. “You saw what almost happened. If Daisy hadn’t stopped me…” My words trail off as I choke on the fear rising in my throat. “Who knows what I would have done? What I’m capable of.”
Noah’s lip curls and he snorts, “After what that guy did to Daisy, he deserved whatever punishment you would have meted out. He was drunk and acting like an asshole!” His expression sobers. “I’ve heard that he’s pulled this crap before.” Noah folds his arms across his chest. “My guess is that he won’t be so quick to manhandle a woman next time. I have no problem with how you handled the situation.” He glares and reiterates, “Not one damn bit.”
A heavy bleakness churns in me, threatening to swallow me whole. “You don’t have the propensity for violence that I do.”
He stabs a finger in my direction. “That’s bullshit, and you know it!”
I hang my head between my shoulders and stare at the rubber mat beneath my feet. “Is it?”
“You’re looking for any excuse to cut and run. And this is the one you’ve latched onto. You better open your fucking eyes, Carter, and see what you’re about to lose before it’s too late.”
There’s a hopeful part in me that wants to believe what he’s saying.
But I’ve walked around with this narrative in my head for too many years to abandon it so easily. “I would have fucked up my relationship with Daisy either way. It’s better for the both of us that it ended now rather than later.”
Disgust fills his face as he shakes his head. “You know what? You might be right after all, maybe you don’t deserve Daisy.”
With that, Noah walks out of the gym leaving me alone to stew in my thoughts.
