I nearly let Rafael kiss me tonight, and worse, I wouldn’t have stopped him if he had. Knowing I would have kissed him right back makes me feel guilty.
I swore that after Darius Larkin kissed me without my consent and destroyed my friendship with his girlfriend in the process, I would never put myself in a situation where a person in a position of power could take advantage of me again. Yet here I am a year later, risking my job for a quick thrill.
I flirted with Rafael. I let him hold me. Hell, I was considering kissing him, but thankfully, I remembered myself before that happened.
Deep down, I know Rafael wouldn’t fire me over a kiss, although I don’t know if it would stop at just that. I would want more than he would ever be willing to give, and that in itself is a reason to stay far, far away.
But telling myself that doesn’t stop butterflies from exploding in my stomach whenever I think about the way Rafael looked at me. At the way his body felt when pressed against mine, his co—
No.
In a panic, I text Willow, half hoping she is still awake at this hour since she hardly sleeps. Thankfully, I don’t have to wait long since my phone vibrates a few minutes later with a new message.
WILLOW
What do you mean Rafael almost kissed you?
ME
Well, we were in the hot tub.
Before I’m able to follow up, Willow’s next message comes through.
WILLOW
HOT TUB? With your BOSS?
My cheeks heat.
ME
I was there first.
WILLOW
But you didn’t leave when he got there.
ME
No.
WILLOW
Interesting.
WILLOW
What bathing suit were you wearing?
ME
…
WILLOW
I’m a visual person, so help a girl out.
With an eye roll, I reply.
ME
The green one.
WILLOW
No wonder he joined you. Your boobs look phenomenal in that one!
I answer with a blushing emoji.
WILLOW
So what happened next?
ME
We talked. Joked around a bit.
WILLOW
Flirted?
ME
Kind of.
WILLOW
It’s a yes or no question.
ME
Fine.
ME
Yes.
WILLOW
I knew it!
WILLOW
Go on.
ME
Anyway, he ended up holding me and looked like he was about to kiss me.
WILLOW
Whoa whoa whoa. You skipped all the good stuff.
ME
Like?
WILLOW
Did you cop a feel?
ME
No!
WILLOW
I’m disappointed in you.
ME
I did feel his…
She sends three eggplant emojis before another text.
WILLOW
Was he hard? Please say yes.
My body temperature spikes, and my heart jolts in my chest at the memory of just how turned on he was.
ME
I am not answering that.
WILLOW
So he was! Good to know.
ME
I’m suddenly too exhausted to text… Talk to you never.
WILLOW
Wait! Don’t leave me on a cliffhanger!
When I don’t answer right away, Willow resorts to threatening me.
WILLOW
Tell me what happened next or else.
ME
Nothing happened. I snapped out of the moment first, and then he let go of me and left in a rush.
WILLOW
No speech about how he wants you but can’t have you?
ME
No.
WILLOW
Well, that was anticlimactic.
Tell me about it. With a groan, I type out another message.
ME
How am I supposed to look him in the eyes tomorrow?
WILLOW
He was the one who almost kissed you, so that’s his problem, not yours.
It feels like it’s both of our problems, because while we could deny our chemistry before, I’m not sure that is possible anymore.
At least not for me.
After last night’s hot tub incident, I think it’s best for me to spend Sunday by myself while Rafael and Nico go deep-sea fishing. I need time to recuperate and think of my next step, but unfortunately, Nico won’t let me get away with avoiding his father.
“But I want you to come.” He grabs my hand and tries to pull me out of bed. Despite his height, he barely manages to drag me a few inches.
“I want to sleep in.” I groan before throwing a pillow over my head.
“But you’re already awake!”
I’m having a hard time fighting that logic, so I roll over and play dead.
“What’s going on?” Rafael’s deep voice cuts through Nico’s pleas.
“Ellie refuses to get out of bed.”
“Why?”
“She says she wants to sleep in.”
“That makes two of us.”
“Papi,” he says with a groan.
“If she doesn’t want to go…”
It’s obvious he doesn’t want me to, which only adds to my embarrassment about last night.
“You’ve got to come!” Nico yanks the pillow off my head, forcing me to stare into his father’s deep brown eyes. The same eyes I was gazing into last night when he was holding me tightly against his chest, looking at me like I mattered.
Like I was his.
Rafael’s gaze drops to my lips. The glance is fleeting, but it feels as if he yanked on an invisible string wrapped around my heart.
Something shifted between us last night. The energy is different. Electric. Dangerous.
The blood rushing to my lower half is just another reason I need to stay away and collect myself today. I need to regroup and reassess our situation until I remember why I’m here and what I stand to lose if I allow myself to get swept away with lust.
I would be risking not only my job but also my relationship with Nico, because there is no way in hell Rafael would let me continue working for him if we ever crossed that line. I wouldn’t if I were him, which means I need to control myself and focus on why I’m even on this vacation.
To help Nico have the trip of a lifetime.
Nico points at me. “Tell her she has to come.”
I silently beg Rafael to ignore his son, but the bastard doesn’t listen.
“Elle.”
There we go again, dropping the nickname that makes my heart stutter. It’s stupid, really, the hold a single syllable has over my heart, but it isn’t the nickname itself that gets to me.
It’s the fact that Rafael gave me one in the first place that is exclusively his.
“Oh. Elle! I like it.” Nico claps his hands.
Rafael spares his son a look. “I call her that.”
Nico’s eyes roll. “So I can’t?”
“Glad you understand.”
I swallow my laugh while Nico stares at him, looking more confused than ever.
“I like it when you call me Ellie.” I pat Nico’s shoulder and pretend my cheeks aren’t betraying just how much I like his father’s nickname.
“Then Ellie it is.” Nico grins before hitting me with his best serious look. “But if you don’t come hang out with us, I’m going to start calling you Eleanor.”
“Are you—”
Nico stands proudly. “Blackballing you? Yes.”
Don’t you dare laugh…
“Blackmailing,” Rafael corrects while ruffling his son’s hair. “I’ve taught you well.”
“For the record, I prefer it when you two aren’t getting along.” I point at both of them.
Nico holds his fist out, and Rafael bumps it.
These two boys will send me to a premature grave. That much I can guarantee.
“Are you feeling okay?” Nico asks.
I slump over the side of the small fishing boat with a groan. Rafael’s hold on my hair doesn’t loosen, which matches the one he has on my heart today. His other hand, which found the small of my back and never left, rubs in a soothing circle.
I was supposed to be steering clear of him and sticking to one side of the boat, but then my stomach decided to revolt after suffering through twenty minutes of unrelenting nausea. Thankfully, I made it to the side of the boat in time, with Rafael on my heels. He pulled my hair away from my face in a second and kept the strands in his tight grip while I vomited. He even ran a wet towel over my face and whispered reassuring phrases under his breath, only for me to hear.
Rafael is being so gentle—so damn soft and caring and patient—that tears spring to my eyes at the unfairness of it all. Of craving the comfort of the one person I can’t have.
Thankfully, I’m turned away from him, so he doesn’t notice me getting emotional, but it doesn’t make the tears any less real.
Rafael isn’t just rekindling the crush I had on him all those years ago. He is fanning the flames and making them burn stronger than ever before, and he has absolutely no idea.
I’ve never been cared for like this by someone who wasn’t my family or Willow, and it makes me feel so much all at once.
Burning desire. Crippling fear. Unbridled sadness, knowing this is all our relationship will ever be.
After channeling a bit of strength and wiping at my mouth with the back of my hand, I stand and lean against the boat. “I told you I should have stayed at the hotel.”
“It’s my fault we didn’t charter a bigger boat.”
“Your modes of transportation are severely questionable.” I’m desperate to ease some of the discomfort I feel at ruining their fishing expedition because if there is something I hate more than confrontation, it’s inconveniencing people.
I explored that issue in therapy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t slip back into that kind of guilty mindset from time to time. It’s impossible not to after feeling like a burden for so long. My mom has always vehemently disagreed, but that hasn’t stopped me from blaming myself for her staying with my father because she wanted to protect me.
Another wave crashes against the side of the boat, and I stare at the horizon while praying that the sudden bout of nausea disappears as quickly as it came.
Nico passes me the mint tin from Rafael’s backpack, and I pop three in my mouth.
“Mijo, can you get Elle some water too? And ask the captain for crackers, please.”
“Sure. Anything for Elle.” He sticks his tongue out at his father and takes off toward the front of the boat. It’s not a big one, which Rafael explained only makes the rocking worse.
My stomach churns. “This is miserable.”
“I already asked him to turn back.”
“No!” I face him with wobbly legs. The next wave that comes barreling against the side of the boat throws me off-balance, but thankfully Rafael stops me from falling over. It takes me back to last night and the way his hold tightened around me, especially when he lets me go in a rush again.
He crosses his arms against his chest. “You’ve thrown up twice already.”
“Perhaps the third time’s a charm.”
He doesn’t even crack a smirk.
“Stop fussing over me. At worst, I’ll be dry-heaving because I have nothing left in my stomach.”
His scowl deepens. “You’re probably dehydrated.”
“And you’re overreacting.” I point at Nico, who struggles to keep the water inside the plastic bottle as he walks toward the back of the boat. “I just need a little water, and I’ll be good to go.”
Rafael seems unimpressed. “You look pale.”
“That’s my sunscreen.”
He doesn’t seem to buy my answer. “Why are you pushing so hard to stay?”
Because I hate being a burden.
The frown lines beside his eyes soften. “It’s okay to say you don’t feel well. You’re not ruining our day if you ask us to go back.”
I smile through the nausea. “I’ll be good as new in a few minutes. Just wait and see.”
I’m not good as new. Not even close, although I breathe through the discomfort and pretend I’m having the best time because Nico is enjoying all the one-on-one attention from his dad. Watching the two of them finally getting along warms my heart, and I refuse to be the reason they cut today’s special activity short, regardless of feeling shitty.
At the captain’s suggestion, I sit near the back of the boat while they hang out in the front, casting lines while learning all about Hawaii and its local wildlife.
Rafael keeps glancing over at me with knitted brows, but I wave him off and continue flipping through my notebook as I try to distract myself from the deep sea and my anxiety by working on a new song.
I haven’t bothered writing music since I left Los Angeles, but I feel like putting my pen to paper today, especially since it usually quells my nerves.
My hand trembles, not because I’m anxious about writing but because of what scribbling the very first line represents.
My fresh start.
Even if I never agree to Cole’s songwriting opportunity, I’m going to reclaim the person I was, one song verse at a time.
While Nico and Rafael spend their time fishing, I alternate between staring at the horizon to fight my nausea and scribbling random lyrics I think up in my head. Most of my lines don’t make sense, but one sticks out amongst all the others.
It was snowing hard on Christmas Eve,
When our paths crossed that first time.
I’m so caught off guard by it that I scribble over the lyrics until they are no longer recognizable. I expect to feel relief at erasing the evidence of my first meeting with Rafael, but something tugs at my chest instead.
Something that feels a little like regret.
I haven’t written a song about my personal life since “Silver Scars,” yet here I am, starting a new song off by referencing him.
I close my notebook and pull out my phone to distract myself with a random game, but nothing can make me forget how Rafael inspired a lyric.
And I’m not quite sure what to make of it.
Nico wants us to take a stroll on the beach after dinner. While I’m happy to walk off our meal, Rafael doesn’t appear to share the same sentiment. He seems grumpier than usual, and I can only assume it has something to do with me and the cursed boat day.
When I asked him to take a picture of me earlier so I could prove to my mom that I wore the dress she picked out, he could hardly look at me.
I blame the unique retro pattern and bright colors. My mom found it while sifting through the racks at the consignment store in town, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her no, so I packed the floral frock despite it clashing with my entire closet.
When I put it on, I felt pretty, but one look at Rafael’s pained expression made me question my fashion choice.
Thankfully, Nico seems to have a completely different reaction from his father’s as he stops by one of the hibiscus bushes and yanks on an orange flower.
He turns and holds it up for me. “A pretty flower for a pretty girl.”
“Thank you.” I tuck the flower behind my ear with a smile. “These are quickly becoming my favorite.”
Nico tries to be slick by going behind my back, but I catch him motioning for Rafael to do the same. My cheeks, already warm from today’s sun, flush as I pretend not to notice Rafael struggling with the idea.
With a soft huff, Rafael scans the bush twice before he appears satisfied with an option. He gently grabs a flower that reminds me of the sunset, with the ombre petals resembling the sky around us.
It’s a perfect match for my dress.
Unlike Nico and his sweet words, Rafael doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to.
Not when he looks at me with so much want it makes my body tremble.
I’m not sure he even notices, but for a brief second, his guard drops, and I finally see what he has been trying to hide all night long.
Lust.
My core pulses with need, and I press my thighs together and pray for it to go away.
Instead of waiting for me to reach for the stem, Rafael curls a loose strand of my hair behind my other ear before placing the flower there. His fingers graze the sensitive shell as he pulls away, and I suppress a shiver.
The whole exchange doesn’t last more than a few seconds, but time feels like it stops to give us a moment. His eyes roam over my face, soaking up every detail while I make out bits and pieces of the man who hides behind a beard and constant scowl.
I find myself disappointed when he pulls away all too soon, taking his spicy scent with him as the world roars back to life around us.
Our eyes meet again, and my heart jerks in my chest as I’m hit with a strong, forbidden sense of yearning for someone I can’t have but will always want.
I wanted Rafael Lopez when I was in high school, and I want him now. But just like back then, I know he will never be mine.
Not then. Not now. Not ever.
Nico and I convince Rafael to grab Hawaiian shave ice with us after dinner. The drive to a local spot is a short one, although the line is longer than the other day.
We wait behind a family with the cutest baby. When I tell the mom that, she comments on how she hopes her son is half as cute as mine. I laugh off her statement before correcting her, although Rafael doesn’t seem to share my amusement.
He is unusually quiet, being borderline rude with the way he stares straight ahead, glaring at the line like it personally offended him.
Nico seems unaware, although Rafael’s strange behavior doesn’t relent, even after we get to the front of the line and order, and his scowl remains permanently in place as we find a free table.
“Ellie?” Nico steals a scoop of mine before ever touching his.
“Yeah?”
“I have a question.”
“When don’t you?” I tease.
He giggles. “Do you want kids?”
I choke on a spoonful of shave ice. “What?”
Rafael shakes his head. “That’s a personal question.”
“So?” Nico asks innocently. “Ellie and I are friends.”
“Doesn’t mean you should ask people questions about wanting kids.”
“Why?”
I interject, “Your dad is right. I may not mind you asking, but someone else could.”
“Oh.” Nico’s smile transforms into a frown. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. But to answer your question, yes. I’d like to have a family.”
“So you want to get married too?”
Rafael pinches the bridge of his nose with a sigh.
“Sure. If the one I’ve been looking for comes along, I would.”
“The one? Like a prince?”
I laugh. “No. The one isn’t going to be a prince, but I’m sure he will make me just as happy.”
Rafael’s plastic spoon snaps in half. “I’ll be back.”
Nico doesn’t think anything of his father’s abrupt departure, but my stomach churns, ruining my appetite.
I don’t know why our conversation triggered him. Rafael is well aware that I go on dates, so I’m not sure why he would be surprised by the idea of me wanting to get married and start a family.
I can’t shake the feeling that my answers disappointed him somehow, which only adds to the complicated emotions building inside me whenever I think about my boss.
