I decide to throw a party—full Park Lane blow out. No Parks, no Paili, no Perry. Jo tried to talk me out of it—told him not to come.
It’s been a week since Dunstan, haven’t heard from Parks once.
Seen pictures of her pop up from around town with Tom. Holding hands, her looking up at him how she used to look up at me.
So, I guess she picked him, then?
Hence the party.
Every hot girl who has DM-ed me the last few months, every girl I’ve shagged that’s still in my phone, every girl Parks felt nervous about in high school, I message them all. Invite every single one of them.
Definitely invite Alexis Blau, who’s been tuning me since the 9th grade but has popped up again heavily in the last few months, trying to hook up constantly. Palmed her off ’til now. Parks saw her name pop up once while she had my phone. In response, she put on The Notebook and Ubered in McDonalds just for herself. Didn’t speak to me ’til the next morning.
Alexis Blau is a sore spot.
Don’t know why—I’ve never touched her.
I’m going to later though.
Christian walks through the door, glances around—looking for Hen, probably. Henry’s off talking to some girl in a corner, chewing her ear off about a book she no doubt gives zero shits about, she’s just happy to have his attention and his hand on her upper thigh.
And he’s just happy to be doing something that’s making Taura look how Taura looks right now.
“You came here with Jo—” I tell her.
“I know.” She keeps watching Henry with these round, sore eyes.
“You’re sleeping with Jo.”
She gives me a look. “I know.”
“Fuck, I hate girls.” I shake my head at her.
Her eyes pinch. “Actually, I believe you’re in this mess because the reverse of that is true.”
I shake my head. “I’m not in a mess—”
Christian wanders over.
“Speaking of messes,” Taura says and grins, “how’s our biggest one of the lot?”
Christian tosses her a dirty look. Our horns lock, me and him. And then I pass him a beer. He sits down next to me, doesn’t say anything. Stares straight ahead for a good minute or two. Glances at me once. “You okay?”
I shrug once. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You and Jo only throw these parties if one of you is fucked in the head.”
“Your brother’s always fucked in the head.”
Christian laughs. I pull out a bag. Taura walks away, looking annoyed. I glance at Christian; he nods but he’s watching me closely.
“How many you done tonight?”
I shrug. I’m not being evasive. I actually don’t know. A lot.
“Who gives a fuck, man—I love a girl who doesn’t want me. You love a girl who doesn’t want you. Actually, you love two girls who don’t want you—”
He gives me a dry look. “Thanks, man—”
“How fucking wild is it that one of them is the same girl?”
Christian gives me a look. “Are we okay?”
“Yeah, bro.” I pat him on the back. “If anyone’s going to get being caught up in her—” I blow some air out of my mouth. Shake my head.
I do a line. Pass him the rolled up £20.
He takes it, snorts it, toss it on the table and leans back. “So this is what we’re doing tonight.”
“And that.” I nod my chin at Alexis Blau.
His eyebrows go up. “Alexis Blau?”
I nod, take a big drink. Too big a drink for Christian’s liking, I guess, because he takes it from my hand.
“We’re not doing that tonight.”
I roll my eyes at him. “You overdose one time…”
He gives me a look, picks up my drink and walks away with it.
I stand up, walk past Alexis Blau, nod my head at the stairs.
She excuses herself from the conversation she’s in, slips her hand in mine and we’re not even halfway down the stairs when my hand is up her dress.
Christian probably did the right thing by me—taking my drink—because the world’s starting to look a bit blurry.
Just how I want it to be if it’s a world where I don’t have Parks. Dulled down enough where the curves of the body I’m touching could be Magnolia’s. And I’m fucking kidding myself—because I’d know her body with my eyes closed. This body isn’t her. She doesn’t grind on me like this. Parks makes me work for it, how she makes me work for everything—this girl’s doing it all for me.
And I don’t care anymore. I lean back against my headboard. Find a weird comfort in behaving exactly how Magnolia expects me to… Feel justified in it for the first time in years. Stare at the ceiling, breathe out as Alexis Blau climbs down my body.
I guess I’m higher than I realised because it takes me maybe a full five minutes to clock that there’s another girl in my bed too—don’t know where she came from.
And here I thought Alexis Blau just had magic hands. This one’s another from school. Something Talbot.
Parks’ year too. She’d fucking hate this. This is the version of me she despises.
I close my eyes. Breathe her out of my mind. Switch into gear. Reach over to my bedside table, rack up a few more lines—tell myself I’m not losing her, I already lost her.
Now it’s time to lose myself.
