“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.” – Anonymous
X
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013. 9:35 a.m.
Loud talking disrupts my shaving session. I drop the razorblade in the sink and walk out to see Jay watching the news. A dead girl is all over the news; the woman we buried together. They’re talking about knowing who the killer is thanks to an anonymous tip. Of course they know, I sent it in.
“Turn it off,” I say gruffly.
“Can I watch this, please?” she asks nicely. She’s been trained well, but I know she’s trying to push my boundaries.
I glance at the television again and when the reporter begins about a sex tape sent to the local news station my eyes widen. “No.”
I march toward her and jerk the remote control from her hand. She pouts. “Oh, c’mon.”
“Do as I tell you, little bird,” I say. “Or do I have to remind you who’s in charge here?”
Frowning, she swallows. “Fine.”
I cup her face with my index finger and thumb, holding up her chin. “Get dressed.” I smile, which lightens her mood a bit. I try to make her forget about the hard stuff in life. All she has to worry about is pleasing me. She’s doing a wonderful job. It amazes me that she’s accepted me so openly. I wonder if this could stay.
Once I’m done with my job and I’ve had my revenge, she will stay. I will make sure of it.
***
Jay
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013. 9:43 a.m.
I won.
His heart is mine. He told me he loves me. Even though he also said he hates me, I can tell he wants me more than anything. Hatred and love aren’t so far apart. He just can’t stand that he wants me so much. Which means I’ve got him.
He’s mine. He needs me. I’m there, already in his grasp, ready for the taking, just like he wanted me to be. I’m a filthy, obedient, lusty whore. He controls my every waking thought. To him this means power. To me this means he is weak. Every day I wake up realizing more and more that this man can no longer give me up. X’s desire to keep me is stronger than his need for revenge, even on me. He can’t kill me. I know it in my heart.
Every step I take toward the car means another step toward freedom. My heart is racing, my thoughts are a jumbled mess. My brain is telling me to run, to keep walking and never look back. He won’t shoot me. I keep telling myself this.
But my body won’t listen. I can’t get my legs to move away from him. They follow him like meek lambs, listening to his every command. Sometimes I feel stupid. Sometimes I feel like this is where I belong.
Somehow, I can’t let this go. No matter how much I wanted my freedom back, there is something here with him that draws me in. The memories that have been creeping back into my mind have changed me. All this time I had this feeling like I knew him, and now I know why. His kisses were magnetizing to me. I wanted his touch more than anything. Even then I knew what pleasured him, and that he got gratification out of whipping me until he drew blood. I still wanted it. I needed it. I needed to feel his overbearing love because that was all I had. My father never gave it to me. My mother was never there.
Or at least, I don’t remember her. All I remember is him.
In the past.
In the present.
In the future? I don’t know. I can’t decide. My heart has caved in. Submitting to him was the ordeal that brought me from insanity to freedom. With him I feel safe, even though he still makes me bleed. I don’t hurt anymore. Pain has turned into lust, and lust grew into feelings.
These past few days have only added to that.
If I even knew what I wanted, the answer would terrify me, so I decide not to think about it.
In the car, he holds me in place. His fingers are firmly curled around my leg as we drive toward whatever destination he has in mind. His possession over me lets me escape from reality. His inevitable desire makes him want to take care of me. It puts me at ease and gives me the illusion that I’m cherished. Maybe I am. The lines between reality and fantasy have blurred rapidly.
Is freedom still what I’m looking for? Or is it more than that? The more days I spend with him, the less I have the desire to run. After everything that’s happened, he is the only person in my life still left standing. I don’t know if I can survive being without him anymore.
His warm hand sends an electrical current through my body that I can’t ignore. My skin tingles from his touch, desperate for more. A night ago he spanked me so hard it made me beg for his cum. The way he whipped me with his belt and wrapped his red tie around my wrists had me delirious. Especially when he fingered me to an explosive orgasm. God, I can still feel it burn. The pain seared into my ass delights me. Is it so wrong to like it?
I turn my gaze toward X. In his eye I see sorrow and regret, things I shouldn’t see, but do. I can’t escape his penetrating stare. Can’t escape the memories I share with him. All those moments in time when I truly cared for him and wanted him to be near me. Even now, I still cling to him. I never lost that attraction. These last passionate nights have only made it worse. I might’ve won his heart, but I already lost the fight. He’s claimed mine too.
***
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013. 10:11 a.m.
We enter a shady building in the middle of town. Paint is crusted on the walls inside, the lights flicker on and off, and the banisters almost fall off as we walk upstairs.
“Why are we here?” I ask as we reach an old door.
“To meet someone,” he says.
“Yeah, but why did I have to come?”
He smiles. “Because I want my little bird around wherever I go. Whisper sweet things in my ear, Jay, wherever we are.” He licks his lips. “I’ll reward you greatly.”
A shiver courses through my body as he runs his finger up and down my arm. He smiles and turns toward the door.
X rings the doorbell and takes his gun from his holster. The metal no longer scares me. My mind knows it won’t be used against me. He’ll only use it against others to protect me. Why that doesn’t bother me still eludes me.
A scrawny blond dude with a cap on opens the door. He squints when he sees us. “I thought you were coming alone?”
“Plan’s changed.”
X steps inside, nodding at me over his shoulder. It’s a silent demand for me to follow him, and I do what he wants. X takes off both of our coats and places them on a table beside the door. Looking around, I gasp. The apartment’s filled with computers and gadgets and all kinds of stuff I have no clue about. Loads and loads of equipment and buttons are on the desk opposite the door, including dozens of screens. I wonder why we’re here.
“Name’s Dale,” the guy says as he grabs my hand and shakes it. “Nice to meet you.”
X growls, which makes Dale jittery. He immediately lets go of my hand and clears his throat.
“Did you get in yet?” X asks as we walk further inside.
The guy sits down on a leather chair in front of the computers. “Yes, in fact, I’m almost done with the transfer. All I need is the right signature.”
“Transfer?” I ask.
“Yeah, we’re transferring all the money from—”
“That’s enough, Dale,” X says gruffly. “I don’t pay you for your mouth. Now get on it. I want it done now.”
I frown, looking at the two staring at the screen. They’re doing something I’m not supposed to know about, according to X. Why else would he shut him up so quickly?
I step closer, trying not to make a sound, and peer over Dale’s shoulder. What I discover pulls me apart and puts me back together like an unraveled string weaved back into place in just one second.
My father’s name.
His bank account.
Money.
All the pieces come falling into place.
Gasping, I slap my hand in front of my mouth and back away slowly, tripping over a box. I manage to catch myself on a shelf, but not before X’s eye finds me.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
For a moment I’m baffled, but then I realize I have to pretend like I didn’t see a thing. “I fell. I wasn’t looking,” I stammer.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asks, raising a brow.
“Yeah, yeah … go on,” I say, laughing a bit. It’s totally fake, but he turns his head anyway. Guess I never forgot how to fake my way through things.
Swallowing, I look around the room. I feel naked. Vulnerable. Not here. What I saw was real, and I fight to make myself believe. I cannot let this pass. Live, Jay, live. See with your eyes, not with your heart. X has blinded you all this time.
I rush to his coat, careful not to make a sound, and rummage in the pockets. My fingers tremble as I take out his cell phone. My first instinct is to call for help, but I can’t stop wanting to snoop through his messages. I don’t trust him. Each time I press a button, I check to make sure X isn’t looking, and then go back to scrolling. Names pile up, but those I recognize I press. I find a man named Antonio and his job for X: killing me. Pictures of me pop up under a contract that was signed with the name Al John. The same name I saw on the television. That man I recognized. The news channels said he was killed the night X came back bloody. Fuck, I was right.
Scrolling further, I find the name of the man who sold me drugs. My hands shake violently as I read the texts. There were many, even from a few years ago. X gave him the job to get me on the drugs. It’s in here, over and over again. He kept asking for it, kept paying this man. These texts tell the truth.
And as I scroll further, I find more horrible truth in his lies. Hannah. He had her introduce me to the drug dealer. He had her bring me into the club. He told her to make me a whore.
And then I find a text between them that was sent the night X came to kill me, which says:
Tell him to fuck her hard until she screams for mercy.
They’re talking about Billy. Hannah told me he wanted to fuck me.
But it wasn’t her idea. It was X’s.
Tears trickle down my cheeks. The last messages that were sent between X and all these people … were right before he burst into my motel room and killed Billy.
He set me up.
He wasn’t lying when he said he followed me. He put everything into motion that got me swallowed into the abyss. X got me hooked on drugs thanks to my dealer, he got me into the whoring, and he even got Billy to rough me up.
The realization hits me like a fucking brick to the face.
“No …” I stammer.
I don’t want to believe it, but it’s true. It’s all in here. These are no lies. This is reality. These texts speak the truth.
He planned everything.
“You …” I say.
From the corner of my eye I see X turn toward me, his eyebrows knitting together.
“You lied to me,” I utter, raising his mobile phone to show it to him.
His eyes widen.
“You ruined me. You ruined everything!” I yell. Then I turn around and run out the door as fast as I can.
It takes him a while to come after me. I guess he didn’t expect me to bolt. As if I would fucking stay after reading all that. As if I would fucking forgive him for betraying me. Like he could get away with making me suffer through the years.
When I asked him if he’d had his fill of revenge I should’ve known it would never end. I should’ve known it started long ago. This was all for nothing. It was what he wanted. I was his toy and still I came to need him. How stupid of me to fall for his trap. I should’ve known it was all part of his plan.
***
X
“Jay, wait!” I say, running after her. “Stop.”
“No fucking way!”
“Let me fucking explain.”
“Explain what? That you fucking got me hooked on drugs? That you were the one who sent that dealer to me, the same one we shot at the diner? That you got Hannah to push me into the whoring at the club and that she was a spy for you? That you even fucking had her select Billy to rough me up?” Tears stain her cheek as she briefly glances behind her while running. “Yes, I saw all the messages, X. You can’t hide it from me any longer.”
Fuck.
I do the thing I must to prevent her from leaving. She can’t leave me. I won’t allow it. So I pull my gun and point it at her back. She freezes. Then she turns around.
“I did not want him to fucking do to you what he was going to do,” I say. “Yes, I wanted Hannah to get you a fucking rough guy, one who would force you to deep throat him. I didn’t want one who would just take you against your will. Why do you think I killed him when I saw you with your gun and him running off like the fuck-face he was?”
“It’s the thought behind it that matters. You wanted me to be punished.”
“Yes, I did it all. I wanted revenge for what you did,” he says. “I wanted you to pay for all the pain you caused me.”
“You blame me for something I had no part in.”
“You seduced me. You should’ve known.”
“So fucking what? Yes, I wanted you, I was desperate. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex. You hate me for something that wasn’t even my fault; I just didn’t notice, and you blame me for it. You’re blinded by hatred,” she spits.
My eyes turn to slits, because I’m fuming. I hate that she’s doing this. I wanted to explain it to her myself, but now it’s too late. She’s already concluded what she thinks she knows. “Yes, I am.” I take a long, deep breath to calm down. “But I also fucking love you.”
She snorts, adding insult to injury. “Give me a fucking break. It was all a lie to get me to be with you. To make me weak and vulnerable so I would trust you and stay with you.”
“It was not. A. Lie,” I hiss.
Does she honestly not see? Does she really fucking believe that I have no feelings for her?
“I want you,” I say. “I always fucking wanted you. I hated you for what you caused, but I never stopped wanting you. That’s what drove me to do all those things. By punishing you I gave myself the chance to hate you and made myself believe you would never, never want a guy like me again. It gave me a way out.”
“And what did it bring me? Misery,” she says, making fists.
“I realize now what I wanted was not to hurt you, but to control you. To do all the things I wanted to do to you, but never could because of our history together.” It’s the full fucking truth. It makes me weak, but still it is the truth, and I can no longer ignore it. I need her.
I take a step closer. Then another. “I am no longer that guy that wants to see you in misery. I am the guy who wants to keep you from harm and protect you. The only guy who knows how to truly push your buttons and make you fly, little bird.” I hold out my hand. “Don’t leave. I will give you what you need. Love. Passion. Anything you desire.”
She frowns and slams her lips shut. A big sigh comes out. Then she says, “My freedom. I want my freedom.”
“You know I ca—”
“If you love me, you will give me my freedom. It is what I want the most.” She swallows. “Loving someone means letting them be who they want to be, because that is what you love about them. I want to be free.”
She’s got me.
I’m stunned.
My chest feels constricted, sweat bursting from every pore. I’ve never felt this before.
She’ll leave me. Her eyes say enough. She cannot see past this, no matter how much I try.
I will not lose her.
So I pull the lever on my gun and aim.
“No,” I say through gritted teeth. It pains me to do this, but I must.
“Yes. I’m not coming back to you, X.”
“I’ll kill you if you walk any further.”
Her face turns blank. Completely, utterly blank. No emotions whatsoever. It frightens me. I don’t get frightened. Ever.
“No, you won’t.”
Slowly, she turns around. I fill my lungs with air and point the gun at the back of her head. My hands are shaking. They never shake.
Her foot moves. One step. Then another. She doesn’t stop.
“Stop. I’ll do it. Don’t take any more steps or I will do it,” I say.
She turns to face me one more time. “You won’t, because you don’t want your property damaged. Oh, but wait, I’m not yours anymore.” She raises an eyebrow. “You love me. You can’t hurt me. You have no power over me anymore.”
My jaw drops. I stare at her in shock. “You made me believe you wanted me too.”
A smile curves on her lips. “You made me a part of your game, so don’t be so fucking surprised I decided to play.”
And then she turns and keeps walking.
My finger lingers on the trigger, desperate to pull. Except, I can’t. I fucking can’t go through with it. I played with fire and now I must feel the burn, yet again. The game was won, but not by me. My clever little bird beat me at my own game.
I will not let this pass.
