Knock knock knock.
I nearly dropped my phone. Shaking off the daze I’d fallen into, I stood and hurried over to the front door.
“Delivery for Eliot Hawthorne.” A bored-looking delivery guy held up a square box and a signing pad.
I opened my mouth to tell him he had the wrong house but stopped myself at the last second. Eli’s last name was Hawthorne. Was Eliot his first name? I’d assumed it was Elijah.
“I can sign for it.”
The guy looked at the box, then at me. “Are you Eliot?” His expression clearly said he wanted me to say yes so he could be on his way.
“Sure am.”
He wiggled the pad at me. “Sign here.”
I scribbled something on it with my fingertip. He clicked a few buttons and handed me the box.
“Thanks,” I said to his back as he hurried back to his truck, which was double parked in front of the house.
I looked at the return address on the box as I closed the door. It wasn’t from Amazon or any store I’d heard of. Whatever, not my business. I made my way back into the living room to put the box on the coffee table but paused. I should bring it up to his room.
Was he home? Other than us, the house was empty. Alex was spending Christmas break with Kai at his place, and Beck and Finn had left yesterday to go visit Beck’s parents.
I hadn’t heard him at all in the few hours I’d been awake, but that wasn’t unusual.
Not thinking too hard about it, I took the stairs two at a time and made my way to the third floor, which wasn’t really a floor but more of a converted attic that had been separated into a tiny-ass bedroom and an even smaller bathroom.
Tucking the box under my arm, I knocked on his bedroom door.
I hadn’t noticed that it wasn’t completely latched, and the force of my knocks pushed it open.
I stood frozen in the open doorway and stared into the room.
The room was unnaturally bright. Several ring lights were set up around his cot-like bed. A phone was attached to a tripod facing the bed, where Eli knelt, naked and gripping his cock as he stared at me in horror.
“Sorry!” I fumbled the box as I grabbed for the door. My fingertips snagged the knob, and I yanked it closed so hard the walls rattled.
“Shit!” Eli’s muffled curse filtered through the walls.
Fuck. What should I do? Drop the box and run? Stay and wait to see what he’d do? Yell that I was sorry and tell him about the package?
While I was still trying to get my brain and body connected, the door swung open.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to open,” I blurted and shoved the box at him. “This came for you, and I was just knocking to see if you were home and… sorry.”
He’d wrapped a towel around his waist, but instead of looking shocked or embarrassed, his face was eerily blank.
“Thanks.” He took the box and glanced at the label.
What was that on his arm? Some sort of white disk?
“You’re probably wondering what that was.” He lifted his eyes to my face.
“You don’t owe me any explanations.”
“Might as well. I’m not ashamed. Come in. I’d rather not do this in the doorway.”
I followed him into the tiny room and closed the door behind me, then leaned against it awkwardly. The ceiling sloped at a sharp angle, and he had to bend over as he put the box on his desk.
“What do you think I was doing?” He adjusted the towel so it stayed snug around his narrow hips and moved to stand a few feet from his bed.
Jesus fuck, he was cut. I’d never seen Eli in anything other than long sleeves and pants. His fame was slender to the point of being thin. I’d assumed he was naturally skinny.
Nope. His muscles were lean, but he was sculpted.
“See something you like?”
I snapped my eyes up. Heat prickled my cheeks. “Sorry. I…”
“Expected me to look different?” He tilted his head, a little smirk pulled at the side of his mouth.
“Little bit, yeah.”
“Most people do. So, what do you think you saw me doing?”
“Making a video for your… someone.”
“You’re half-right.” He crossed his arms over his chest, and his biceps popped. “I was making a video, but for a customer.”
“Customer?” I asked dumbly.
“I sell videos online. That was a custom request from a repeat customer.”
“Like OnlyFans?”
“That’s one of the channels I use. I also cam.”
“Cam? Like do… stuff… online while people watch?”
He nodded.
“Wow.”
“You don’t approve?”
“No. I mean, yes?” I tried to find the right words. “I just mean wow. That’s cool.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. I mean, good for you. How did you get into that, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Interested in starting a channel?”
“No!” I flushed. That had been way too loud. “No. I’m way too self-conscious to do that.”
“Really?” He quirked his eyebrow. “You’d make a killing. People love the jock look. Especially blonds.”
I chuckled, and the last of my shock and nerves settled. “I can barely handle having my picture taken fully clothed.”
“Huh, guess you can’t judge a book by its cover.” He smiled, his eyes finally softening and losing that guarded blank look he’d had since he opened the door.
“I’m sorry I ruined your shoot or whatever it’s called.”
“Not your fault. I should have checked the door. I thought you were out. And no one ever comes up here, so.” He rolled one shoulder. “Live and learn. And to answer your previous question, I kind of fell into this. I needed a job that wouldn’t interfere with school, and someone my brother works with has an OnlyFans. I looked into it and discovered camming. Figured I’d give it a shot.”
“You like it?”
“I like it enough to keep doing it.”
“When did you start?”
“A few months after I turned eighteen.”
“How old are you?”
Eli had one of those faces that could look super young or extremely mature based on his mood.
“Nineteen. Almost twenty.”
“Are you a sophomore?” Jesus, he was young.
“Senior.”
“That math ain’t mathing.”
He chuckled, his expression relaxing again. “I skipped a few grades.”
“A few? Damn, you must be really smart.”
“So they tell me.”
Something in his tone told me he was done talking about that subject, and I glanced around his room. It was smaller than I’d thought. The ceiling sloped on three sides, making the room feel claustrophobic. I also had a sloped ceiling, but the angle was gentler. He had just enough room for his bed, a desk, a tiny fridge, and a dresser. He didn’t have a closet, just a small stand-up wardrobe that barely fit in the space next to the door. The room was devoid of any personal items except for a stack of books on his desk next to his laptop. Not a single picture, knickknack, or article of clothing was visible. The room was easily a third of the size of mine.
“Does this pay well?” I waved at the lights, which still illuminated the room, not sure why I was still talking. He didn’t seem embarrassed or impatient for me to leave, even in his towel with all his gear still set up.
“Sometimes. It depends on how generous people are feeling or how many videos I sell.”
“Do people know?”
“No.” His eyes shuttered.
“I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
“Not even your better half?”
“Not if you don’t want me to.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
“I’ll let you get back to… work.”
He chuckled and ran his hand through his long hair, pushing it back from his face. “Might take a bit to get back in the groove, but thanks.”
The move caused his abs to tense, and goddamn, they looked good. A perfect six-pack and sexy-as-fuck Adonis belt peeked out from where the towel had slipped low on his hips.
“I thought you were straight?” He rubbed his hand down his stomach in a move that could have been teasing but also completely benign.
“I thought I was too.” I snapped my mouth shut. Shit. I hadn’t meant to say that.
“Really?” He dropped his hand, all traces of teasing gone from his voice. “That has to be confusing.”
“You have no idea. Or maybe you do. Not asking,” I said quickly, “just not assuming.”
“I don’t broadcast it, but I’m bi.”
The matter-of-fact way he said it helped calm some of my rising panic. I didn’t know Eli well, but he’d always been nice to me. He had this air of aloofness about him, but he also radiated calm.
I needed to talk to someone about this. The only person I had was Jax, but considering he was part of my confusion, I could use an outside perspective.
I’d thought about talking to Alex. We were pretty close. We’d had plenty of conversations while gaming, and he’d helped me through a few panic attacks at the beginning of the year.
But Alex had his own issues. I didn’t know the details, but I knew Kai was a big reason he smiled and seemed genuinely happy for the first time since we’d met. He didn’t need me dumping my shit on him when he was finally in a good place.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Eli asked softly. “I know we’re not close, but sometimes that can make it easier.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Wouldn’t have offered if I did.” He moved through the room in that graceful, gliding way of his and turned off the ring lights. He reminded me of a dancer or a butterfly.
I shook my head at that strange thought.
He sat on his bed and motioned to his desk chair. “Unless you prefer to stand.”
I sat, the metal groaning under my weight. “Is this thing going to hold me?”
He chuckled. “It should. I’ve done a lot more than just sit on it.”
My brain stuttered.
“Sorry. I can be a bit glib without realizing it. I’m not great at talking to people.”
“You’re fine.” I settled on the chair. “Don’t censor yourself around me or anything. I’m sure I’ll say lots of totally random and weird shit the longer you know me.”
He smiled and leaned back on his hands.
Did he want to get dressed? He made naked content for a living, so maybe nudity didn’t bother him?
“When did you know?” I asked.
“That I’m bi?”
I nodded.
“I didn’t have some big moment where it clicked or I went ‘that explains it’ or anything like that. For the longest time, I didn’t think I was anything. All the other kids in my class were getting crushes and acting stupid around each other, and I just didn’t care.”
I kept quiet as he toyed with the terrycloth of his towel. “I was seventeen the first time I looked at a girl and felt actual attraction toward her. Before, I could recognize someone as attractive, but I never felt any sort of physical draw to them. A few months later, I felt that tug toward a guy. I decided to test things and made out with a girl I knew. It was fun, and I could have gone further if it had been worth the effort. Then I kissed a guy my brother knows, and it was the same thing. I liked it, and my body was interested in more, but again, not worth the effort.”
“Can I ask a personal question?”
“You want to know if I’m still a broken toy who isn’t interested in sex but is a sex worker?”
“No,” I said quickly. “Nothing like that. I was just going to ask if you think that maybe your attraction to people would be stronger if you had an emotional connection to them.”
He tilted his head. “Is that how it works for you?”
“I think so?” Heat prickled my cheeks, but something about how factual and open Eli was helped me push past my embarrassment at admitting this. “I find girls attractive, have since I was a teenager. But I don’t get all hot and bothered for them the way other guys seem to. Sex is mostly meh for me. Like I can get off, but it’s an effort. I spend most of the time in my head, trying to focus on being good. But then Jax—” I snapped my mouth shut. Shit. We’d agreed to keep things quiet.
“You keep my secret, and I’ll keep yours. A little mutually assured destruction, yeah?”
I laughed. He was funny. “Yeah. Anyway, I’ve never had issues looking at a guy and thinking they were good looking or whatever, but I never thought about being with one. Not once. Never felt that same level of attraction I do for girls. Then Jax and I were dared to kiss at a party, and it was… everything.”
“Have you done more?”
I nodded.
“And it’s good? Better than when you were with girls?”
Another nod.
“Have you ever dated anyone?”
“No. Too busy with baseball.”
His expression clearly said he knew I was a liar who lied, but he didn’t call me out on it. “And this thing with Jax is a friends-who-fuck thing? Or is it more?”
“A friends thing.”
He nodded, his eyes calculating, like he was doing some complex math in his head. “It makes sense it would be better with him. He’s your best friend. You trust him. Attraction doesn’t mean compatibility. Maybe the girls you were with could get your dick up, but they weren’t what you needed. If Jax can give you something you’ve been missing, and you both want it, then maybe you don’t need to overthink it.”
I bit my lip. What he said made sense.
“What else is there? Remember, mutually assured destruction.”
“I always thought I was a vanilla guy. Like, even the porn I watch is boring. But I saw a few things the other day that were hot…”
“But something about them makes you feel ashamed to like them?”
“Little bit.”
“Is this about the toy you bought?” He widened his eyes. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you while you’re… figuring stuff out.”
“It’s fine. And that was funny as fuck. I’d have done the same thing if it had been for any of you. But no, this isn’t about that. I saw a video where a guy was wearing lingerie, and it was hot, but I guess I can’t shake years of conditioning. Of being told that guys are a certain way and should only be into certain things. I don’t judge anyone else for being into whatever, but it feels wrong for me to be into it.”
“That makes sense, considering the world you live in. Sports culture is all about gender conformity. Guys are supposed to be big and strong and aggressive. To be so-called alpha males. Which is hilarious if you think about it because actual alphas are all about taking care of their pack and would be the ones handing out water and snacks while making sure everyone is okay, not yelling about how tough and dominant they are while demanding people bow to them and their will. I assume you were a phenom? Good at ball from the first time you picked one up?”
The sudden topic change confused me for a second, but I nodded. He had a good point about the whole alpha thing. I made a mental note to look more into that later.
“You got shoved into a tiny box as a child, and all these expectations and demands were put on you when you were still too young to understand why. You grew up in the culture, and the only way to survive it is to keep conforming and living by their rules, their expectations. You never had a chance to become your own person because you had to become what they wanted you to be.”
“I never thought about it, but you’re right. My entire life, I’ve tried to be what everyone else wants me to be. The perfect ball player, the party boy, the one who’s always up for a laugh or a good time and doesn’t take anything seriously.”
“Sounds exhausting.”
“It is.” I sighed and leaned back in the chair.
“I don’t know much about the Greek life, but I understand pack mentality and peer pressure. I’m guessing that world is similar. That you have to fit into yet another box to feel accepted.”
A heavy weight settled in my chest. “That’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m always playing a part and being someone else. Like no one will like me if they saw the true me. Saw how messed up I am. How I’m not all the things they want me to be.”
“Do you put that front on with Jax?”
“No. He’s the only person I’ve never pretended with.”
“So wouldn’t he be the perfect person to push those boundaries with? To dip your toes into whatever it is that turns you on and see how it makes you feel in a safe environment?”
“It sounds so logical when you say it that way.”
“Emotions aren’t logical. And reprogramming yourself isn’t something that just happens. You have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You need to feel all those negative, icky emotions in order to get over them. But you can only do that if you feel safe and can actually feel them and not just notice them and pretend like you’re dealing with them.”
“Your brain is amazing.”
He flushed and plucked at his towel.
“You literally just analyzed my entire life with a few questions and explained all the shit that’s been twisting me up for weeks in a way that makes sense. I feel better than I have in a long time.”
“I’m good at seeing patterns and connecting the dots on things most people overlook.” He gave another one-shouldered shrug. Was that a tell for when he was uncomfortable? “I’m glad I could help.”
“Maybe you should extend some of that dot-connecting to yourself.”
“What do you mean?” He looked up at me, his green eyes wide.
“That comment you made about being a broken toy. Something tells me I wasn’t the only one shoved into a tiny box at a young age.”
His cheeks flushed pink, but he didn’t break eye contact.
“Maybe you’re still figuring out who you are and what you like, if anything, because you’ve been so busy being the person you think you’re supposed to be. And so what if it turns out you don’t like sex or have limited interest in it? Nothing wrong with that at all. It doesn’t make you broken or different or weird.”
“But what if I am broken?” he whispered. “I don’t see the world the same as most people. I’m different, like, really different. What if that’s the reason I’m this way?”
“Do you feel like anything is missing from your life?”
His eyes shuttered, and he looked so damn young. The urge to wrap him in a blanket and tell him it would be okay hit hard.
“Let me rephrase that. Do you feel like you’re missing anything by not wanting sex the way you think you should?”
“Sometimes.” He blinked rapidly, his eyes on the floor. “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone. To feel that kind of connection.”
“Is it the physical or the emotional part you wonder about the most?”
“Both.” He bit his full bottom lip and looked up at me, his eyes shiny. “I don’t have a lot of people in my life. Usually, I don’t care, but sometimes it’s lonely.”
“Have you ever been with someone?”
He shook his head.
“Have you had the opportunity to?”
“I get a lot of offers in my line of work. People who want to make content together, customers who want to buy sex with me. It’s a daily occurrence at this point.”
“What about people who want you, Eli, and not your work persona?”
He shook his head.
“So maybe you just need to meet someone who wants you for you. Or maybe not. Maybe having deep friendships and emotional intimacy is what you crave. It took me twenty-one years to realize that I needed more than just a stiffy to enjoy sex. Maybe you’ll get your aha moment that will help you figure out what you need in your life soon too.”
“You’re not who I thought you’d be.” He gave me a wobbly smile. “As much as I pride myself on looking at the entire situation and not jumping to conclusions, I did that with you. I thought you were just another jock, but you’re so much more than that.”
My neck heated. No one other than Jax had ever seen me as more.
“I’m good at pretending.”
“So am I.”
Silence stretched between us.
“I should go. Sorry to bring you down when you have work to do.”
“It’s okay. You apologize a lot.”
“My bestie is Canadian. He rubbed off on me.”
Eli snickered.
I chuckled and stood. “I mean, he’s done that too. Want to hang out with us tonight?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We’re probably going to chill and watch a movie or something.”
“Yeah, that sounds fun. I just don’t like imposing.”
“This is your house too. If we want alone time, we have my room or his. And not to be weird or anything, but I like hanging out with you. I’d say we’re friends, right?”
He nodded, his eyes so wide he had that young, innocent look again.
“So come hang out with us anytime you want. And me.” I shot him a rueful smile. “I’m so used to everyone acting like Jax and I are a single unit I do it unconsciously now too. We’re going to be here all break together. It’ll be fun to have the chance to hang out and get to know each other better without all the distractions of school and a full house.”
He smiled, and I was taken aback by how beautiful he was as his eyes lit up and his entire face glowed with happiness. Eli was gorgeous no matter what, but he was breathtaking when he smiled.
I gave him a little wave and hurried out of his room before I said something stupid or weird. As I thudded down the stairs, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. Jax was coming over in about twenty minutes. Just enough time to take a shower and mull over everything Eli had said.
He was right. Jax was the only choice to help me get over my mental hang-ups. I just needed to muster the courage to tell him what I wanted. I wasn’t afraid he’d laugh or be grossed out or anything. Nope. My hesitation was all about me and my issues.
As much as Jax was helping me figure out my kinks and sexuality, he couldn’t help me with my confidence. That was something I needed to find on my own.
