Christmas break ended too soon. Coach was brutal when we started practice again, making us run drills until the sweat dripped off us and we were so exhausted we barely chatted in the locker room.
New Year’s came and went. Cooper had organized a team party at Red’s, and attendance was mandatory. He’d said it was for team building after the break, but I suspected it was his and Coach’s way of making sure no one got blackout drunk or did anything stupid.
Watching my teammates and their dates drinking and having a great time wasn’t anything new, but being in a crowd of couples and not being able to kiss Jax at midnight had sucked ass.
We’d cheered and hugged and toasted our drinks like bros did, but the ache in my chest hadn’t eased until we’d excused ourselves. Jax had held my hand the entire way home. It had been risky as fuck, but I’d loved every second of being able to be open with him. To not have to hold back and worry about who might see us or what they might think.
When we’d gotten back to my room, things had been different too. We’d had sex, but it had been gentle and quiet, with lots of eye contact and kissing. The build-up to our orgasms had been slow and sweet, and the desperate and needy energy between us had been absent. I’d loved every second of it, and falling asleep wrapped up in his arms as he’d pressed sleepy kisses against my neck had meant as much to me as the sex.
Things between us had always been easy, but they were shifting, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
Jax was my best friend, but what I felt for him was all-encompassing. It went beyond friendship. Was it because of the sex? Did the intimacy of sleeping together add layers to our friendship that I didn’t understand because I’d never had a consistent lover before?
Sex with Jax had opened my eyes to just how amazing being with someone could be. But it went beyond the physical. Every time with him left me satisfied and eager for more, but I didn’t just crave his dick or mouth.
I loved our easy banter, and the way he always knew exactly what to say or what to do when I got stuck in my head or needed some reassurance meant everything to me.
He meant everything.
But it couldn’t last. Eventually, this thing between us would end, and we’d go back to being best friends and nothing more. The thought of losing this part of him made my chest ache, but we’d agreed on the rules for a reason.
Baseball was Jax’s priority, and he’d have no choice but to go back into the closet if he was recruited.
The world of professional sports was getting better when it came to inclusivity, but that didn’t extend to queer players. Being out wasn’t an option. Too many players and fans would have issues with a gay man playing pro ball, and no team wanted a player who made headlines that didn’t have to do with their stats or put the club under a microscope.
The situation might change in a few years, but Jax couldn’t afford any scandals, especially not in his rookie year. He’d worked too hard to lose everything because he happened to be gay.
Keeping my own sexuality a secret wasn’t going to be difficult. I might be bi, but Jax was the only guy, the only person, who’d made me want more. Going back to being alone would suck, but it was what I was used to.
It wasn’t fair, but we weren’t the only queer athletes who had to give up a part of ourselves in order to play the game we loved.
The fact that Jax was out now only proved he had balls of steel. I admired his bravery, but we both knew he could lose his chance at the future he’d spent half his life working toward because of a choice he’d made as a teenager.
Jax loved baseball more than anyone I’d ever met, and the thought that I could put his dreams in jeopardy scared the piss out of me. The whole gay aspect of our arrangement was bad enough, but we were teammates. That shifted our relationship into taboo territory.
Teams ran on a delicate balance of talent and trust. If your teammates didn’t trust each other, the entire system broke down.
People knowing about us would also hurt our chances at a future in the game, but the difference between Jax and me was that it wouldn’t destroy me. It would suck to be everyone’s gossip fodder, and the thought of people talking about my sex life like it was the weather was enough to send me into a panic attack, but not playing after college wouldn’t be the end of the world.
I was one injury away from losing it all. One bad throw or accident would be the end of my ability to play, and I’d come to terms with that years ago. I had no idea who the fuck I was without the game, but I understood that nothing in life was a guarantee, especially not when it came to sports.
Knowing and understanding just how precarious things were for us was the only reason I wasn’t a complete mess at the thought of our time as lovers ending. I hated it and wished it could be different, but Jax’s happiness meant more to me than my own.
When the time came for us to only be friends, I’d suck it up and put my feelings aside and support him in any way I could. Jax had always been there for me. It was my turn to be there for him.
The only good part about getting back to reality was that Jax and I fucked like crazed bunnies whenever we could, and not just in my room. We blew each other in the car after practice and sometimes before too. We met up in his dorm room to get off together between classes. I’d learned that the best way to get him up and moving in the mornings was either to wake him up with a blow job or to jerk him until he inevitably manhandled me into sixty-nine so we could finish that way.
“Sup?”
“Shit!”
Alex laughed and sat next to me on the couch.
“Jesus.” I put my hand over my racing heart. “You trying to kill me?”
“Not my fault you were in your own little world.” He smirked.
“Did you want something, or was the entire purpose of this to give me a heart attack?”
“Both.” His smirk melted away and was replaced by a look of concern. “Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been… different since break ended.”
“I have?”
He nodded. “I’m trying to think of a tactful way of asking if your anxiety is getting bad, but I’m drawing a blank.”
“It’s no worse than usual,” I mumbled.
The lie tasted bitter in my mouth. My anxiety had been getting worse since classes started again. The only time I felt settled was when Jax and I were alone and I didn’t have to spend half my mental energy keeping myself in check and pretending we were just best bros.
“Is there something else bothering you?”
I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine but closed it. I wasn’t fine, and I was tired of pretending like I was.
“What’s going on?” he asked softly. “You know I’d never judge you, right?”
“I know.” I blew out a breath.
Alex and I weren’t especially close, but we were friends, and I liked him. More than that, I trusted him. He was good people, and he never shied away from talking about real stuff. Not when it was about other people at least. Since he started dating Kai, he’d opened up more but was still a bit tight-lipped when it came to his own struggles.
“I’ve kind of been dealing with something,” I said slowly.
“Like what?”
Could I tell him about being bi? Alex was too, but I had no idea if he was like me and hadn’t known until recently.
He also wasn’t stupid. He’d know I was talking about Jax as soon as I told him I was messing around with a guy.
“You know how we figured out that Beck and Finn were together because of how loud they are?” he said carefully and awkwardly crossed his arms.
A wave of cold washed over me.
Fuck. He already knew.
I wasn’t sure why I was so surprised. Jax and I tried to be quiet, but my roommates weren’t idiots. Not only was the loud music a dead giveaway, but the creaking bed pretty much screamed that we were getting it on.
“I’m just saying that what people do in their rooms is none of my business,” he said. “And that if someone needed to talk about the stuff they do in their rooms, then I’m here for them. And I know how to keep a secret,” he added quickly. “So… yeah.”
“I guess I don’t need to tell you that I’m part of the bi club too.” I sighed. All the tension and stress of the past few weeks came crashing down on me.
“No, but I get that it’s not always an easy thing to say.”
“How long did you know before you… before we found out?”
I’d been about to ask how long he’d known before he came out, but Alex had been accidentally outed. He’d taken it in stride, but I’d wondered if he’d just been putting up a front.
“I knew pretty early on.” He bit his lip. “I developed a crush on my best friend when I was fifteen. I knew I liked girls, but I also liked him.”
“Were you out in high school?”
“No. No one except him knew. And my grandmother. She’d already figured it out when I finally did tell her.”
“Can I ask why you kept it a secret?”
“At first, it wasn’t by choice. My… the guy I liked wasn’t a good person. I thought we were friends, and I also thought I was in love with him, but he was just using me because I was willing to put up with his shit. He made me keep it quiet as a condition of us being together.” He snorted. “And by being together, I mean him fucking me in secret and acting like a total dick to me in public while he made his way through half the girls at school.”
My jaw dropped. “Shit. That’s… I’m so sorry.”
“It messed me up for a long time. Still does, if I’m being honest. I like to think I would have been more open about my sexuality if he hadn’t forced me to keep it secret and fucked with my head. That I wouldn’t have lied to everyone or tried to protect myself by denying my attraction to men for years.” He looked up, his dark eyes meeting mine. “How long have you known?”
“Not long.” I snorted. “Someone dared Jax and me to kiss at a party a few months ago. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. Then it was all I could think about. He was all I could think about.”
He smiled encouragingly.
“I was so confused because I didn’t understand how I could go so long without realizing that guys did it for me too. But Jax isn’t just a guy, you know? I think I’ve always had a thing for him. I just didn’t see it for what it was because he’s my bro. But when we started fooling around, it just felt… right.”
“How long have you been dating?”
“We’re not dating,” I said quickly. “It’s just a friends-with-benefits thing.”
Alex pursed his lips. “Really?”
“Yeah. At first, we started messing around so I could figure shit out. Get used to being bi, I guess.”
He drew his lower lip into his mouth and bit it.
“Yeah, I know that sounds horrible,” I said. “Like I’m using him for sex because he’s convenient. But it’s not like that.”
“I didn’t say it was.”
“But you thought it.”
“Not at all. You said ‘at first,’ and I was wondering what it’s evolved into. What it is now.”
“I have no idea.” I clenched my fists, and my chest tightened.
“Breathe, Matt.” Alex’s warm hand covered mine where it rested on my knee. “We don’t have to talk about this if it’s making you anxious, but I promise you I’m not judging. I get it.”
“You do?”
“I do. He’s your safe space. You trust him. You’re obviously attracted to each other. It would be weird if you weren’t hooking up.”
“You think?”
“I do. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m kind of shocked this has only been going on for a few months. You two are so in sync and so close I thought you were hooking up this whole time. Well, that’s not exactly true. I wondered if you were but didn’t assume anything until it was obvious.”
“You’re not the only one who’s wondered about us.”
“Is there a reason you guys are keeping it casual?”
“Baseball.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, that definitely complicates things. Do you think things would be different if you were just two regular college guys?”
“I like to think so. I mean, he’s out, and I’d have no reason to hide it. I don’t give a fuck what people think of me. Hell, no one actually knows me anyway, so if they stopped liking me because I was with a guy, then whatever. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.”
Alex snickered. “Colorful analogy.”
“It gets the point across.” I grinned, feeling lighter than I had all day.
“You don’t think people know you?” A strange look came over his eyes, one I couldn’t read.
“Not at all. I’m so used to being what people expect me to be that I have no idea who I am.”
“I can relate to that.” He gave me a wry grin. “I’m a chameleon. I used to only show people what I thought they wanted to see, and be who I thought they wanted me to be. It was a way to protect myself. I’ve been working on it, but it’s a tough habit to break.”
“It is. I’m not exactly a chameleon. It’s more that I’ve spent my entire life being told who I am, so I’ve always just fallen in line. I’m the ball player. The fun-loving goofball who’s always down for a good time. The fuckboy frat guy who loves to party and sleep around.”
“None of that sounds like the Matt I know.”
“None of it feels like it’s me.” I leaned back against the cushions, the words flowing out of me like steam from boiling water. “All my life, I’ve been told there’s only one way to be. That I have to be the best at everything I do, that failure isn’t an option. I never had a chance to figure out what I like or who I really am because I was too busy trying to be who everyone told me I was. It’s like I’ve been wearing a mask, and I don’t know who I am when I take it off.”
“We all wear masks. Every day we get up and put on a mask. The terrifying part is what happens when we take it off and show people our true selves.”
“Ain’t that the fucking truth.”
“Kai is one of the few people I was never able to keep that mask up around. He and Beck. I showed them my true self without even realizing that I was doing it. I think it’s because I intrinsically trusted them. I felt that they were safe, even when I was so busy hating Kai for stupid shit that wasn’t his fault.”
I’d never heard the story of how Alex and Kai had gotten together, but he’d hinted that they’d had a rough go at first. I hadn’t met Kai until they’d started dating, but it was obvious to anyone with eyes that they were perfect for each other.
“And I’m guessing that Jax is that person for you?”
I nodded, looking at my hands. “Yeah. I swear he knows me better than I know myself. He’s the only person I’ve never felt the need to put up that front with. He’s…”
“You love him.”
My chest tightened, and my vision went white.
I was in love with Jax and had been forever. Even before we’d started this thing, he’d always been my person. He wasn’t just my best friend; he was my other half. I just hadn’t been able to recognize it because I’d never been in love before. Never seen healthy examples of love or felt loved.
“Matt?”
“I do,” I croaked.
“If it’s any consolation, I think he loves you too.”
I glanced up, some of the building panic calming in my chest. “You think so?”
“I don’t know him as well as I know you, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Even back when you first moved in, I saw it.”
“How does he look at me?”
“Like you’re the only thing in focus and the rest of the world is just background noise.”
“Fuck.” I raked my hand through my hair. “Why does it have to be so fucking complicated?”
“I wish I knew. Obviously, I have no idea what it’s like to be you, to live in your world, but love isn’t easy. Loving someone isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it can tear you apart. But if you truly love someone, then all that pain and turmoil and bullshit is worth it.”
“I know he’s worth it.” I laughed to cover up the tears pricking my eyes, but the sound was hollow and empty. “That’s never been a question. But I can’t ask him to give up his dreams for me. I love him too much to be the reason he loses baseball.”
“What about your dreams?” he asked softly. “Would you give up your dreams for him?”
“I don’t even know what my dreams are,” I blew out a breath and lifted my gaze to the ceiling. “I don’t even remember deciding that I wanted to play ball professionally. I love the game, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve never sat around dreaming about my rookie debut or getting to put on my first pro uniform. Or how it would feel to step into Wrigley field and get to stand on the same mound as Babe Ruth.”
“I thought Babe Ruth was a Yankee?”
“He was, but he started his career as a pitcher for the Red Sox. He was a lefty, like me.”
“Huh, I didn’t know that. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. My brain sometimes gets distracted by interesting facts.”
“You’d have a field day with Eli. That kid is a fountain of random facts and knowledge.”
“Right? It’s so crazy. I was talking to him about this bakery in town that Kai is obsessed with, and ten minutes later, I resurfaced into reality, and we were geeking out over fantasy books we’ve read. FYI, if you’re a reader, don’t talk to him about books on your TBR because holy spoilers Batman. I don’t even think he realized what he was doing. He was just so excited to be talking books that he told me the entire plot of a ten-book series I’ve been wanting to start for years. I didn’t have the heart to tell him and just let him go.”
I laughed. That sounded like something Eli would do. “Not much of a reader, not unless it’s sports related.”
“Circling back to what we were talking about, does Jax have those dreams?”
I sighed, my light mood gone. “Yeah. He does. Did you know his parents didn’t even want him to play baseball when he was a kid? They put him in hockey because apparently, that’s what Canadian parents do. He played one season, then begged them to let him switch to baseball. Unlike my father, who put me in ball before I was even eligible to play. Jax worked his ass off to get to the level he is, while my dad paid for me to get here.”
“I’m nowhere near your level, but I played varsity sports. You can’t buy talent.”
“No, but you can buy specialized coaching, camps, and the fees to play for the best and most competitive teams. I’ve got raw talent, but my skills were bought and paid for by my father.”
“But you were able to utilize what you were taught. You might have had advantages, but those advantages only enhance the work you put in, the talent you have.”
“Maybe.” I bit my lip as my stomach flipped over. “But talent isn’t the same as heart. Jax and most of the guys on my team love the game. It’s their passion. It’s what they love most in the world. For me, it’s just a thing. I like playing, but I don’t love it. If Jax got hurt and couldn’t play again, it would destroy him. He’d be lost. If I woke up tomorrow and couldn’t play, I think I’d be relieved.”
Alex kept quiet, and that encouraged me to keep talking. This was the one thing I could never talk to Jax about.
“The game stopped being fun a long time ago. The only time I enjoy being a ball player is when we’re actually playing the game. I like analyzing games and figuring out strategy, but the only time it doesn’t feel like a job is during game time or when we’re scrimmaging or just fucking around and playing a pickup game.”
“Have you thought about what you’d want to do if you didn’t go pro?” Alex asked softly.
“Nope. I was never allowed to think like that. Visualize the W. Manifest the future you want and forget everything else.”
“It can be tough to break years of conditioning and shift your thought patterns, but it’s not impossible. Maybe it’s time for you to focus inward and think about what will make you happy. You only get one life, and it sounds like you’ve been living for other people.”
“Not other people. My dad.” I grunted. Frustration built in my chest. “All the pressure in my life comes from him. My mother doesn’t give a shit about me or what I do. She’s so busy with her own life that she probably wouldn’t even notice if I quit playing. My dad is the one who’s been pushing me my entire life. He never made it, so I have to. I have the talent he wishes he did, so it’s my responsibility to live his dream so he can live it through me.”
“I’m the last person to know what a good parental relationship is supposed to look like, but you’re the kid. It’s not your responsibility to make him happy.”
“I know you’re right, but they’re all I have.” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat.
“There’s no easy answer here.” He patted my knee. “And you’re in a shitty position because of baseball. But my grandmother once told me something that stuck with me. She said that the luckiest people in the world are the ones who find love with their best friends. That no matter what they go through, what hardships they face, they always have that deep, soul-connecting love to fall back on. It sounds like you’re lucky enough to be one of those few.”
Silence descended on us as Alex’s words reverberated in my mind. Jax was worth waiting for. Hopefully, he felt the same about me.
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