I splashed some water on my face, then stared into the mirror as the droplets slid down my skin.
What the fuck had happened at Prism?
Not only had Beck and I danced, like danced, but we’d also kissed.
As far as I knew, straight guys didn’t bump and grind with their bros, then kiss the shit out of them in a bathroom hallway.
What did it mean?
Was I Beck’s bicurious experiment?
Maybe I was that safe friend he could mess around with, knowing it didn’t mean anything.
But that was the thing.
It had meant something.
To me, at least.
Did he expect things to go back to normal? Was that a one-and-done thing? He got swept away at the club, and I happened to be available for him to indulge in a little dude-on-dude action?
“Fuck,” I muttered grabbed a length out of the paper towel dispenser. I wiped down my face, then my hands. How long could I stay here until Beck would come looking for me?
The door banged open, and two middle-aged men came into the bathroom.
Taking that as my cue to leave, I hurried out of the bathroom and walked to the bar.
Beck was leaning against it, with half of what looked like a Coke in front of him in a sweaty glass.
“Better?” He pushed the glass toward me as I came to stand next to him.
“Much.” I picked it up and took a sip, trying not to think about how his lips had felt against mine only moments ago.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “We should head out when you’re done so we don’t miss our car.”
I gulped back the rest. Shit, I shouldn’t have done that. Bubbles stuck in my chest, and I cleared my throat, forcing a burp back.
Beck seemed a million miles away as I discreetly cleared my throat, then swallowed the bubble down.
As we stepped outside, another blast of cold air hit us, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been when we’d left the crowded club.
Beck kept his eyes on the street, and I leaned against the wall of the pub, trying to look casual and breezy and not at all like I was twisted up in a million knots and silently freaking out.
Would Beck be able to come back from this?
As much as it would suck, I could pretend nothing had happened and tuck the memories away if that meant we could still be friends.
His friendship mattered more to me than how much I’d enjoyed feeling him against me. How hard we’d both been as we’d danced. The way his hands had roamed over me, confident and seeking and tentative, all at the same time.
And his kiss.
My cheeks heated. That sweet slide of his mouth against mine, his tongue teasing and tasting me. The little sounds I’d made as arousal and need had washed over me in equal parts, and his answering groan when I’d taken over and kissed him exactly the way I’d wanted.
“It’s here.”
I jumped at Beck’s voice.
A black car was double parked in front of him.
We quickly slid into the back seat. I stared out the window as Beck and the driver exchanged a few words.
I needed a little more time with the memories. Then I’d be able to go back into buddy mode.
The ride to the house was silent, and we didn’t talk as we headed up the walk and inside.
We fell into step beside each other as we climbed the stairs to our floor.
As soon as we were in the hall, Beck closed the door to the stairs.
“My room or yours?” His face was unreadable.
“Yours.”
My options for running away were limited if we went to my room. At least this way, I could bolt if things didn’t go well.
He didn’t say a word but pulled out his keys and unlocked his room.
I followed him inside and darted over to the couch so I wasn’t anywhere near his bed.
He sank onto the corner of his bed with a sigh, rubbing his hands over his thighs.
“So… that happened.” He looked up at me, his face blank.
“It did,” I said lamely.
What did one say to their straight friend after making out with them?
“Are…”
He stopped rubbing his legs as I stuttered.
“You’re straight,” I blurted out.
His face hardened for a moment, then melted back into an expression of indifference.
Good job, Finn. Way to say the absolute wrong thing.
The urge to run was overwhelming, but I forced myself to stay put.
“Am I?” He leaned back on his hands, that eerily blank look still on his handsome face.
“Yes?”
“I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not. That I never was.”
The conflict in his eyes was staggering, and I slid back into friend mode.
Beck was hurting, and he needed someone to listen. I could be that person for him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked softly.
“How did you know?”
“That I’m gay?”
He nodded.
“It wasn’t some instant thing for me.” I leaned back against the couch, relaxing now that I’d taken the pressure off myself. “I’ve always been drawn to boys, even when I was little. But as I got older, I didn’t understand that draw. It didn’t make me go ‘well, I guess I like dudes’ or anything.”
His expression had softened into one of curiosity.
“I knew I didn’t like girls, not like that. I dated a bit, had a girlfriend for a while just to be sure, but it didn’t really do anything for me.”
“Did you like being with girls? Like, did you enjoy it at all?”
“Sort of? It didn’t gross me out, but I didn’t feel what I was supposed to. Like how my friends described it, or how it is in the movies. It was fine, and I liked them as people, but touching them or being touched by them didn’t make me want more. It just kinda was.”
“Is that when you realized you liked guys?”
“Not exactly. I knew I was attracted to guys, but it didn’t click for me until I had my first kiss with my lab partner.”
He nodded slowly, thoughtfully.
“That’s when I realized that yup, I like guys. That kiss was everything, and all the things I was supposed to feel, to experience, when I touched a girl, happened with him. That was my aha moment.”
“Did you come out right away?”
“Not exactly.” I sighed. “The thing about being out is that it’s never black and white. It’s not like you’re completely out or completely closeted. There’s a lot of gray area in there.”
“I told Dex as soon as I figured it out, and he wasn’t surprised. I ended up telling our parents when Mom was ragging on me for not finding a suitable girlfriend after Emma and I broke up.”
“Yikes. How did that go?”
“They were less than thrilled with my delivery. Pretty sure cutting Mom off midsentence and blurting my truth wasn’t the way to go. But they’re fine with me being gay.”
He nodded again, the movement slow as he studied me.
“I told my friends, but I didn’t wave my rainbow flag in school or anything.”
“People wouldn’t have accepted it?”
“I went to a private school in LA. Nobody would have blinked considering there were a ton of out students. I just didn’t see the point. I didn’t like the idea of people talking about me or my sex life, so I kept it on the DL.”
“And here?”
“I’m out…but it’s sort of the same thing. I don’t hide it. If someone asks, I’ll tell them the truth, but I don’t volunteer the information unless I’m friends with someone. Or trying to get my flirt on.”
He smiled at my attempt at humor, but it was strained. He let out a deep, heavy-sounding sigh.
“How long have you suspected that you weren’t straight?” I asked.
“A while.”
“I’m a good listener.”
“This isn’t the first time I’ve had feelings for another guy. It’s just the first time I’ve been able to act on them.”
I waited as he seemed to gather his thoughts.
“I met Mike in middle school, and we became best friends almost instantly. We just clicked. We were inseparable and did everything together. I always felt… jealous over him. Possessive, even. I figured it was because we were so close, but it’d never been like that with any of my other friends.
“When we were sixteen, he started dating Daisy.”
He rubbed his hand over his face. “I was so jealous. Again, I thought it was because she was his priority now. That I’d lost my best friend to her, and that’s why I was so irrationally angry whenever she was around. I thought she’d stolen him from me.”
He looked up at the ceiling like he was trying to get answers from the heavens.
“It was more than that, wasn’t it?” I asked softly.
“Yeah. I didn’t recognize it then, but my feelings for him went beyond friendship.”
“Did anything ever happen between you?”
He snorted. “Nope. Mike is as straight as they come. And he and Daisy are still together, so it was never a possibility. But either way, I wasn’t in a place where I could understand my feelings, let alone act on them, even if he had been single.”
“Is he the only guy you’ve felt that for?”
He shook his head. “It’s happened a few other times. Like when I met Alex. I was drawn to him, and the same feelings popped up.”
“Oh, so you have a thing for Alex…” I bit back my disappointment.
“No. We’re just friends. The feelings didn’t last. I’ve never been jealous when he hooked up with girls, so I’m not sure if I ever really liked him that way. Maybe I could have, but it never got that far.”
“But you have with others?”
He nodded.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
He was shifting uncomfortably.
“I had a bit of an aha moment when I was seventeen, but I willfully ignored it. The mental gymnastics I went through were impressive, that’s for damn sure.”
“What happened?”
“I walked in on Mike and Daisy fooling around.”
I kept quiet so he could elaborate if he wanted.
“They were in his room. His parents weren’t home, and we were going to play some NHL on his Xbox, but he’d neglected to tell me that Daisy would be over too. I guess they got carried away and lost track of time.
“Anyway, I walked in on them, and the pain I felt was… intense. Blinding. I thought maybe it was because I’d been single for almost a year, so of course I would be jealous that my best friend was getting some action.”
“But it wasn’t him you were jealous of, was it?”
“Nope. It was her. I was jealous of her because I wanted to be the one Mike was touching.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. We eventually laughed about it, but for a while, I couldn’t look either of them in the eye.”
“But you stayed friends?”
He looked down at his hands. “Until we graduated. They had a baby last year, so they don’t have a lot of time for me anymore.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. It sucks. I get it, but it still hurts.”
“And even after that, you didn’t think that maybe you were into guys too?” I asked gently.
“I don’t know why I convinced myself I wasn’t. Maybe because Mike was the first guy I ever pictured myself with? I guess I thought I could save our friendship by erasing those memories or telling myself that it was natural to be curious. And since I’d never acted on it, then it didn’t count.”
He flopped back onto his bed and put his hands over his face for a moment, then dropped them.
“Every other time I felt that same draw, the jealousy, and the awareness, I convinced myself it was plain old jealousy. That I hated losing something I considered mine.”
“What do you mean?”
That statement hid a deeper meaning.
“Being the youngest of six kids means I never had anything of my own. My life was so intertwined with my sisters I was just one of the Andrews kids. Hockey was the only thing I did that was just mine. None of my sisters played or had any interest in it. Mike played hockey, so I did too. My parents hadn’t wanted me to start because it meant long hours sitting in cold arenas, but it was the only thing I ever begged them for, so they relented.”
He sighed, slid one hand under his shirt, and rubbed his stomach.
“And when you’re the youngest, you’re always an afterthought. I love my sisters, but there were times I resented them. They’re so close in age. Then there’s a gap between Beth and me. I always felt like an outsider.” He rolled his head to the side and looked at me. “Do you know how many times I got left behind?”
“Literally or figuratively?”
“Well, both. But in this case, literally.”
“No, how many?”
“Dozens. I’d be out shopping with my family, and suddenly I’d look up from whatever had distracted me, and they’d be gone. It taught me not to freak out, but it was hard not to take it personally when I was the only one who got left behind.” He snorted. “You know that old movie, Home Alone?”
“I’ve heard of it but never saw it.”
“The whole premise is a family goes on vacation but leaves one of their kids behind. They don’t realize he’s not with them until they’ve left the country.”
“Did your parents ever do that?” I couldn’t keep the shock out of my voice.
“Not that extreme. But one time we were getting ready to visit our grandparents. I was nine, and all my sisters except Brit were going. I don’t know if they got confused because we were already down a sibling, but they drove off without me. I spent an hour sitting on the front stoop, waiting for them to turn around and come get me.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah. I got left at a campsite once too. At least they were only ten minutes down the road before they realized and turned around.”
“How old were you that time?”
“Seven.”
I gaped at him.
My parents weren’t present in a physical sense, but because of their micromanaging, they were always heavily involved in every aspect of our lives. They’d known exactly where we were and what we’d been doing at all times.
Beck’s reasoning made sense when he explained the extenuating circumstances. I understood how he could have confused his feelings all these years.
“But tonight.” He stared at the ceiling. “That jealousy came back when that guy grabbed you. I didn’t understand it then, but we started dancing, and it was the first time I’d ever touched a guy like that, and it felt… right.”
I knew exactly what he meant.
“The more we danced, the more we touched, the more I craved. Suddenly I was seventeen again, lusting after my friend, but this time I could do something about it.”
“That must have been confusing for you.”
“It was. I enjoyed it, obviously. But when the lights came on and reality set in, I was so confused.” He turned back to look at me. “I’m not having a gay freak-out. And that’s freaking me out.”
“How do you mean?”
“I don’t regret what we did. It felt good, and I wanted it. But a part of me feels like I should. I mean, I’ve spent years ignoring my feelings. Pushing them down and pretending they weren’t a thing. Now that I’ve come to terms with the truth, it feels both amazing and terrifying.”
“I get that. It was the same when I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay. That girls didn’t do it for me. It was amazing because I finally understood who I was, but it was also terrifying because it meant my life was going to be that much more complicated.”
“That’s exactly it.” He bit his lip, rolled onto his side, and propped his head up in his hand. “All that stuff from before finally makes sense. I feel like a complete moron for not accepting it sooner. But now that I have… I’m bisexual.”
I smiled as he tested the word out.
“I’m bi.” He grinned.
“Feels good to be able to say it out loud, doesn’t it?”
“It really does.” His smile fell.
“But…” I prompted.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone.”
There it was.
This was the part where he told me we should just be friends.
“Ugh.” He buried his face into the comforter. “I’m a mess.”
“No, you’re not. This is a huge thing. It’ll take time for the dust to settle. And nothing says you have to be out until you’re ready. Not revealing the truth isn’t hiding it.”
He peeked up at me, his eyes full of hope.
“Only you can decide if and when you tell people.”
“I don’t think I’m ready.” He dropped his head again. “I’m, like, the worst ally ever.”
“You’re not an ally, my dude. You’re the B in LGBT. Welcome to the club.”
“When do I get my queer card?” he asked with a small smile.
“I’ll let you know. Still haven’t got mine. But you don’t have to be anything other than an ally to the outside world. You don’t have to be out to be one of us.”
“That’s reassuring.” He turned onto his back again.
“And I promise I’ll never tell a soul.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, not worried about that. I trust you. Hell, I nearly came in my pants like an overeager teenager just from dancing with you. Pretty sure that’s a sign of trust right there.”
I shivered at the memories of how he’d felt against me. How hard he’d been, how much I’d wanted to touch him.
“Finn?” His voice was harsh, raspy.
I cleared my throat. “Yes?”
“I can’t promise you anything past tonight. But maybe we could kiss some more?”
I launched off the couch and dove on top of him.
Beck grabbed me tight and held me against his hard body, spreading his legs so I could lie between them.
Our mouths met, the kiss slow and sensual as his hot body soothed and stimulated me at the same time. Each pass of his lips sent a shiver of desire through me. I was nearly vibrating with need when he tilted his head and deepened the kiss, sweeping his tongue deep into my mouth.
Fuck, he felt good. In only a few seconds, my dick was impersonating a steel pipe.
He bumped his hips up, pressing his equally hard erection against mine.
The kiss morphed into something hot and hard. One of Beck’s hands fisted my hair, holding me in place as he took over.
I let him, sighing happily, as I sucked on his tongue.
Beck shifted my weight, throwing me to the side so he could roll us over.
His strength and size were such a turn-on, and I wrapped my legs around his ass, keeping him tight against me as he ravaged my mouth.
“Can I suck you?” I asked breathlessly as his mouth left mine and traveled down my neck.
He paused. “You want to?”
“So much.”
“I… I don’t know if I’m ready to—”
“That’s fine. I’m not expecting anything in return.”
His expression shifted from aroused to conflicted, then back to aroused.
“If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.” I patted his shoulder. “Roll over and get your dick out.”
Beck let out a little huff of laughter and slid off me so he could do as I’d said.
I leaned up on my arm, watching raptly as he undid his fly with nimble fingers.
I licked my lips as he reached into his briefs and let out an embarrassingly loud groan when he pulled his cock free.
It was perfect. Big, but not too big. The flared head was dusky red as drops of precum gathered on the tip.
He manscaped extensively, and the sexy vein running across his shaft made me want to spend hours worshiping him.
But I was way too far gone for that.
Beck let go of his dick and spread his legs.
I scrambled between them and gripped his length. His skin was hot and velvet soft. I gave him a long, slow stroke, then swiped my tongue over his slit.
“Fuck.” He bucked his hips up.
His taste filled my senses, dark and heady and absolutely perfect.
“I’m not going to last long,” he said.
“Me either.”
Not wanting to wait even a second longer, I leaned down and took him into my mouth.
“Finn,” he moaned, sliding one hand through my hair as he rubbed my scalp.
God, that felt good. I’d always liked having my hair played with, and it was ten times better when I had a dick in my mouth.
I moaned around his shaft. He shuddered out a breath, and his body tightened under mine.
As much as I wanted to take my time and explore every inch of his perfect dick, now wasn’t the time.
I sucked him as far into my throat as I could, swallowing around his head as I worked the few inches I couldn’t reach with my hand.
“Oh god. Oh fuck,” he panted, his grip on my hair tightening.
I bobbed over him, sucking hard enough my cheeks hollowed.
“Fuck. That’s it. So fucking good.”
I loved it when guys were vocal. I was an auditory person by nature, and hearing someone enjoy sex was just as hot as watching them.
Using one hand to hold myself up, I shifted my other hand off his shaft and gently cupped his balls. They were high and tight and so fucking full. I rolled them in my hand, toying with them as I rubbed my tongue against his shaft.
“Shit.” He jerked under me. “I’m gonna come,” he warned, letting go of my hair, presumably so I could pull off.
I didn’t.
He let out a cry, his hips bucking and his dick kicking in my mouth.
Then he was coming, groaning as he gripped my hair hard. I swallowed every drop, greedy for it.
When he finally stopped shooting, he gently guided my mouth off him.
His softening dick fell from my lips with a lewd pop, and we both moaned.
“Holy shit.” He blinked. “I thought you were a virgin?”
“I am.” I sat back on my knees and ripped my pants open. “But that doesn’t mean I’m inexperienced.”
His eyes darkened as I fished my dick out of my underwear. I was so close it wouldn’t take much.
“Can I?” I gripped my shaft, pausing to make sure he was okay with me jerking off over him.
He nodded, his eyes on my cock.
I stroked, not bothering to tease or put on a show.
Right then, all I cared about was coming.
My breaths puffed out of me, my moans low and soft. Pleasure and need swirled inside me as I looked between Beck’s soft dick and his gorgeous face.
“Shit.” I jerked. My orgasm settled in my balls, creeping up my shaft. I moved my hand furiously, stroking so fast it was a blur.
“That’s it.” Beck’s eyes met mine. “Give it to me, Finn.”
The cry that tore from my lips as I crashed into my orgasm was inhuman and way too loud, but I was too far gone to care.
Beck held my hips, keeping me in place as I bucked and writhed over him, painting his shirt with my load.
“Holy shit.” I fell forward, catching myself with my hand so I didn’t fall on him.
Beck was having none of it and knocked my hand free. I collapsed on top of him.
His kiss was deep and languid, the kind of kiss that came from being deeply satisfied.
I melted against him, meeting him kiss for kiss, our soft dicks pressed together.
Eventually, the kiss petered out until we were hugging, our faces buried in each other’s necks.
“I’m definitely bi,” Beck muttered.
I laughed and pushed off him so I could prop my hands on his chest and put my chin on them.
“That was good?” I teased.
“Pretty sure you almost sucked my soul out with my load.” He grinned and smoothed my hair. “That was amazing. A plus.”
“I’ve always been an overachiever.” I winked and pushed off him, feeling both giddy and exhausted now that I’d finally come.
I sat back on my heels and put my dick away while Beck did the same.
“Hooking up with guys is messier.” Beck gestured at our cum-streaked shirts. “More laundry.”
“Yeah, but you get to play with dicks, so it’s totally worth it.”
“Totally.” His eyes fluttered closed as he drew in a shaky breath, then let it out, a smile on his perfect lips.
I leaned down and pecked a kiss against them, then climbed off him.
“I should get to bed. I have to meet Anna tomorrow.”
I didn’t tell him that we weren’t meeting until the afternoon.
As amazing as tonight had been, especially that orgasm, I was feeling out of sorts.
I’d messed around with Beck, my friend who wasn’t straight but hadn’t promised me anything.
That was fine. I was a big boy. If he decided he wanted to go back to being friends with no benefits, I’d be okay with that.
Well, maybe not okay with it.
I’d be disappointed, but I’d get over it.
I liked Beck, and he was going to need a friend who understood what he was going through.
Admitting the truth to yourself was one thing. Telling a friend you trusted was another. But this was only the beginning. Nothing would ever be the same for him. He’d need someone in his corner as he figured shit out.
I could do that for him.
More than that, I wanted to do that for him.
And if that meant no more kissing or shared orgasms, I’d deal.
“Okay.” He gave me a half-shy, half-sleepy smile. “See you later?”
“Have a good night.”
“You too.”
I gave him one last smile, then turned and headed out of his room.
Tonight had been a whirlwind, and a wave of exhaustion hit me as soon as I’d stripped off my clothes and pulled on my pajamas.
I was just plugging my phone in when I saw Cora’s card on my desk.
Not thinking too hard about it, I glanced at her Insta handle and opened the app to find her profile. I shot her a quick DM to say hi, then shut down my phone and plugged it in.
I opened my door and glanced at the bathroom. The door was closed and the sound of water moving through the pipes told me Beck was taking a shower.
Sitting down on my bed, I leaned back on my hands and closed my eyes, replaying the scenes at the club as I waited for my turn to wash the night off me.
