“Yo!”
“It’s open.”
Alex pushed the door to my room open and peeked in. “Rough night?”
It was after two, and I was still lazing in my bed.
I’d been up since eight but hadn’t found the motivation to get my ass up and do anything.
“Didn’t sleep well.” I put my phone onto the mattress next to me.
I’d spent the night tossing and turning, trying to fight down the random arousal that would hit any time I thought about what had happened in the club and in my bed. With Finn.
Now that I’d opened the door and admitted I was bi, it was as though my body was trying to make up for lost time. All I could think about was how much I’d loved hooking up with Finn. And how much I wanted to do it again.
But I couldn’t.
He was my friend, and fooling around with him would only mess with both of our heads.
“Want to hit the gym?” He leaned against the doorframe.
He was wearing the same thing he’d worn yesterday.
“Someone had a good night.”
He smirked. “It was interesting. Gym, yay or nay?”
That was weird. Alex’s default mode was TMI. It wasn’t like him not to elaborate and tell me all about his good night.
“When are you going?”
“Thirty enough time for you to get ready?”
“Sure.”
“Meet you downstairs.”
He closed the door, and I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood.
I checked my gym bag, swapped out my towel for a fresh one, and pulled on some gym gear.
When I was ready, I went down to the kitchen to drink some water and get a snack.
“You know they have this awesome invention called bread.”
I glanced up from my spot in front of the sink where I was smearing peanut butter onto a banana with a spoon. Eli stood near the small table, riffling through some papers.
“I’m out, so it’s either this or I just stick it in and hope for the best.”
“That’s what he said.” Eli flicked his gaze to mine and grinned.
I chuckled, but my brain stuttered on the he in that sentence. Was Eli part of the rainbow too? Or maybe he’d figured out I liked guys?
The rush of panic was both unexpected and intense.
Shit.
I’d known I wasn’t ready to come out, but I hadn’t thought I was still in the terrified stage.
I really was a mess.
“You know, Elvis is the one who made peanut butter and banana sandwiches famous.” Eli tapped the papers on the table to get them in a uniform pile. “Although he put bacon on his.”
“He did?”
Eli nodded and leaned against the wall.
“The bacon part is intriguing. Have you tried it?”
“I grew up on them. That and beans on toast.”
“Never had beans on toast.”
“It’s cheap and easy.”
I picked up my carton of milk and took a long drink. Milk right before going to the gym wasn’t always the best idea, but I needed something to wash down the peanut butter, and water didn’t cut it.
“My go-to cheap-and-easy meal was a spaghetti sandwich.”
“Spaghetti sandwich?” He quirked his eyebrow. “Sounds like the recipe for a carb coma.”
How he could look both interested in our conversation and completely aloof and a little standoffish was a bit of a mindfuck.
“It is. But they’re good and filling.”
Eli pulled his phone out of his pocket, his face tightening into a sneer as he looked at the screen.
“Enjoy your snack.”
He walked out of the kitchen without giving me a second glance.
That was the longest conversation I’d had with Eli, and I still couldn’t get a read on him.
Whatever. I had enough of my own shit to deal with. I didn’t need to add his to the mix.
Alex came into the kitchen just as I was putting my spoon in the dishwasher.
“Ready?”
I closed the washer door. “Yup.”
I followed him out of the house and over to his car.
“Where did you end up last night?” I asked as we climbed into the small sedan.
The student gym was on the far side of campus, but Alex and I had memberships to the local gym. It was open twenty-four seven, which was more convenient than the student gym. It was only open between six a.m. and six p.m.
And it was nice to be able to work out without having to dodge students. The wait time for cardio machines was insane during peak hours and not much better during the few lulls around mealtimes.
The local gym had multiple locations, but the biggest and newest one was across town, so I only got to go to that one when Alex was driving.
“Nowhere in particular.”
Another non-Alex answer.
I let it go. Alex didn’t talk about anything serious unless he was the one who brought it up. Pushing would only make him shut down.
“What about you? Have a few too many at club night?”
“Nope. Just couldn’t sleep.”
Seemed we were both hiding something from each other.
“Cardio and weights?” he asked after a few blocks of silence.
We talked about our gym routine the rest of the drive.
After Alex had parked, we headed inside and tapped our ID cards on the sensor to get through the security gate.
The woman behind the counter was jacked and had a deep tan. She had to be a competitive bodybuilder.
She smiled as we passed her to get to the locker room.
We tossed our bags in some lockers, then grabbed our waters and towels and headed into the gym.
Most of the cardio machines were free, and only about a dozen or so people were in the weight area.
We jumped on two treadmills next to each other and did a quick warm-up, then set our machines for a run.
Running on fumes was brutal, but having Alex beside me forced my competitive side out. I matched him step for step out of sheer spite. No way in hell was I letting him win.
Alex was a good gym buddy. He’d played varsity soccer and enjoyed working out. We were on par when it came to stamina and motivation.
After our run, we did a circuit of the weight machines, then found an area near the free weights to finish off.
“So, you and Finn are suddenly besties.”
Alex’s tone was light, but his words were heavy.
“He’s a nice guy.” I picked up two dumbbells and positioned myself in front of the mirror so I could get the best angle to watch my sets.
Alex made a noncommittal noise as he sat down on the bench for some concentration curls.
Should I tell Alex what had happened last night?
Talking to Finn had cleared some of the cobwebs and helped me come to terms with my bisexuality, but it would have been nice to talk to someone who hadn’t had my dick in their mouth.
Shit.
Why had I let my brain go there?
Now I was sporting a semi in the gym.
Just fucking perfect.
I put the dumbbells back on the stand and sat on the bench next to Alex so I could hide my arousal.
He finished his set, then switched hands.
The silence between us was strained and weird. Usually, we had no trouble talking about everything and nothing, but I couldn’t get my dumb brain to focus on anything other than Finn’s incredible blow job last night.
Nope.
Not going there while I was wearing loose shorts.
I jumped up and strode to the dumbbell rack, pretending like I was deciding which weight to use as I willed my boner to go away.
I’d jerked off after Finn had left my room, and again in the morning. And again twenty minutes before Alex had stopped by with the gym invite.
I was twenty-one and had always had a healthy sexual appetite, but this was getting ridiculous.
Now that the veil had been lifted and I was not only able to recognize my attraction to men but had accepted it, I was suddenly hyperaware of how many hot guys were around.
“Beck?”
I jumped at Alex’s voice.
He looked at me with concern etched on his face. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
“Girl trouble?”
“Something like that,” I said evasively.
I hated lying to him, but Alex could read me like a book. I had to give him something. Otherwise, he was liable to figure it out on his own. And I so wasn’t ready for that conversation.
“Want to talk about it?”
One thing I’d always appreciated about Alex was how he wasn’t afraid to talk about real things. Well, he wasn’t when it came to other people. Getting him to talk about himself and his feelings was like pulling teeth.
“Not much to talk about. We messed around, and now I’m not sure where things stand.”
“Did you make it seem like there would be more?” He stepped closer and reached around me to pick up one of the weights.
His proximity sent a little tingle through me, but that was mostly because his body heat reminded me of how it had felt to dance with Finn.
I might have been attracted to Alex when we first met, but not anymore. We were strictly in the friend zone, which was perfect.
“No. I said I couldn’t promise more.”
“And she wants more?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You want more?”
“Maybe?”
“Do you like her, or was this just a random thing?”
“It wasn’t random.”
“And I’m guessing you haven’t talked to her since it happened?”
“No.”
He got in position to do some biceps work. When he was set, he started his curls. “If you want more, then why not go for it? Have some no-strings fun together.”
“Because I think we could be friends, and I don’t want to mess that up.”
He grunted. “Yeah, that’s a tough line to toe. It always gets messy when they want more.”
It wasn’t Finn I was worried about. He might be a virgin, but he wasn’t inexperienced, as his skills last night had shown. If he gained a little confidence, he could have any guy he wanted. Why would he want to deal with a confused baby bi who had no idea what he was doing?
“Guess you have to decide which you want more. Her ass or her personality. If you can’t have both, then choose the one you want in the long term.”
“Yeah. That’s probably what I’m going to do.” I finally picked up a weight and took his vacated spot on the bench to do a set of concentration curls.
“Wait. Didn’t you go to the LGBT club night at Prism last night?” He shot me a confused look.
My mouth went dry as he tilted his head, his expression thoughtful.
Shit. He was going to figure it out. If he flat out asked me, I wasn’t going to lie, but the panic fluttering through me was strong enough to steal my breath. I lost count of my set and nearly fumbled the weight.
Thankfully, Alex didn’t seem to notice, and he shot me a sly grin. “Only you would pick up a chick at a queer event.” He switched hands to do a set with his other arm. “Bravo.”
I smiled weakly and looked back down at where my arm rested on my leg.
I needed to end this conversation now.
“So, what’s going on with Elissa?” I asked. “You guys together? You’ve spent a lot of time with her lately.”
“Not sure.”
I let that hang in the air as we finished our sets.
After our cool-down exercises, we returned to the locker room, which was blessedly empty. I showered as quickly as possible. I’d never been one of those guys who chatted and used the locker room as a hangout. I’d always been a “get in, get out, and keep my head down” kind of guy.
It would seem my subconscious had known what I hadn’t been able to admit to myself.
“Want to study for the macro test together? Maybe order pizza?” Alex asked as he pulled into the driveway of the house.
“Sure. I’ll meet you in your room after I talk to the parents.”
“Want the usual?”
“Yeah.”
We walked into the living room, where Matt was playing Mario Kart. Jax was curled up on the other side of the loveseat, a textbook open in his lap but his attention was on the screen.
“Do two player next.” Alex dropped his gym bag on the floor and plopped down next to Matt on the couch. “Or three.” He glanced at Jax.
“In a sec.” Matt kept his focus on the TV, leaning closer as his thumbs flew over the controller.
Leaving them to fight over the game, I hurried up to my room.
Twenty minutes later, my phone lit up with a FaceTime call.
“Hey.” I smiled as my parents filled my phone screen.
“Hi, sweetie.” Mom beamed at me, and Dad gave me a firm nod.
My parents were the quintessential opposites attract couple. Mom was bubbly and outgoing and could charm anyone with her zest for life. Dad was the strong, silent type who was more stoic than stern. Somehow, they balanced each other perfectly, and they were one of those couples who still held hands and made heart eyes at each other after nearly forty years together.
I wanted what they had.
“How’s school?”
I settled against my headboard. “It’s okay. My classes aren’t bad. Other than macroeconomics.”
Mom made a sympathetic face. “Struggling with it?”
“A bit. It’s just so boring I have a hard time following or caring about anything the prof says.”
“Maybe economics isn’t for you?” she said carefully.
“Maybe not, but I need to take them for my degree, so.” I shrugged.
“Oh, Mike and Daisy came by with the baby last week.” Mom’s eyes got all soft the way they always did when she was talking about babies.
It was a damn good thing I had so many siblings, so the pressure was off me to provide grandkids. I liked kids but wasn’t sure they were in my future.
“Oh.” I kept my tone and expression neutral.
“He’s the sweetest little thing. He looks so much like Mike too.”
“He’s a cute one.”
Mike and Daisy’s Instas were full of baby pics. Jace was a cute kid, and I was genuinely happy for them, but it still hurt when I saw their family snaps, especially since they never sent them to me directly anymore.
The first few months of Jace’s life, I’d been bombarded with pictures from both of them, but as the months passed, the pics became less and less frequent. So did the DMs and texts.
Now I hardly ever heard from either of them. The last time I’d seen Mike was back in July when we’d spent an hour at a pub catching up.
We’d gone from being in each other’s pockets for years to barely speaking.
It sucked.
And it wasn’t even because of my crush on him. I’d gotten over that years ago. I just missed my friends.
“How’re your roommates?” Dad asked.
“They’re good.” I’d told my parents about the guys during our last call. “Everyone is getting along, and no one is a slob.”
One of our roommates who’d graduated last year had been a notorious slob. He’d left a trail of chaos behind him everywhere he went, and the house had constantly looked like a tornado had torn through it.
“That’s good.”
The conversation stilled.
I wanted to tell them about how Finn and I were becoming friends, but I was afraid they’d be able to tell that something had happened between us.
My mother’s bullshit meter was laser sharp. It had to be when she had six kids to keep in line. She could read me like my every thought was printed on my head in neon letters.
Everything was too new and raw. I wasn’t ready to have that conversation with my parents, not yet.
One thing about my family is they were some of the most laid-back people you’d ever meet. I couldn’t see any of them having an issue with me being bi. In fact, my mother would probably throw herself into learning how to be a better ally and buying up the pride section at Target to show her support.
Dad would probably lecture me about making responsible choices and remind me to be safe.
And my sisters.
None of them would have an issue, but I inwardly winced at the teasing that would be hurled my way. They could be brutal when they wanted, and you couldn’t give five siblings that kind of ammo without expecting them to lob it back at you.
But even knowing all this, I still couldn’t muster up the courage to tell them.
“Are you okay, sweetie?”
“I’m fine.” I smiled. Hopefully, it didn’t look as forced as it felt. “Just didn’t sleep well.”
“Have you been using the white noise machine we got you?”
“I forgot it.”
She tsked. “You can pick it up next time you come home. You know you sleep better with white noise.”
“I know. I can always use a fan until then.”
“What about fiber? Are you eating enough? Drinking lots of water? How have your bowel movements been? Nice and regular?”
“I’m not talking to you about this.”
“I changed your diapers. This is only weird if you make it so.”
“Nope. It’s weird no matter what.”
She rolled her eyes. “At least tell me that you’re eating properly and not surviving off pizza and beer.”
“Sometimes I have Chinese. Does that count?”
She harrumphed.
Mom was a master at saying a lot without saying anything at all.
A loud crash rang out and both Mom and Dad’s heads swiveled to the side.
“What was that?” I asked Dad as Mom handed him the phone and stood.
“We’re watching Levi and Lana. It’s safe to assume they broke something,” Dad said calmly.
My nephew and niece were as destructive as Bella had been when she was little. They loved taking things apart but couldn’t always put them back together, just like their mom.
“I need to study for a macro test next week. I’ll let you go survey the damage.”
“Bye, sweetie!” Mom’s voice drifted over the speakers as she shouted from the other room.
“Bye, son.”
“Bye.”
I ended the call and grabbed my textbook. Might as well head to Alex’s room and get a jump on studying for this stupid test.
