“It’s open.” Alex’s muffled voice came through his door.
I pushed it open. “Hey.”
He lay sprawled in his bed, looking at his phone. “Hey,” he said, his eyes guarded and his expression oddly blank.
“Can I borrow your car tonight?”
“You going out?”
“Yeah.”
He tossed his phone aside, stood, and went to his desk. “Let me grab my keys.”
I leaned against the door jamb.
“Hot date?” He turned toward me, his keys in his hand.
“Nope. Just hanging out with some people.”
He gripped his keys so tight his knuckles turned white.
He narrowed his eyes. “Really?”
Huh. Where had that come from?
Alex was a chill guy. He could be a bit crazy, but he wasn’t an angry person. This kind of reaction wasn’t like him.
“You’re really going to stand there and lie to my face.”
“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I stammered.
My heart pounded, the thump thump thump too loud, and a whoosh, like the ocean, filled my ears and made my head spin.
“Really?” he repeated, his voice loud and sharp as a whip. “You’re going to stand there and tell me you cut yourself shaving?” He pointed to my neck. “You might want to get some makeup tips from your sisters because that little love bite is saying everything your mouth isn’t.”
I slapped my hand over the bite mark Finn had given me the other night.
It had mostly faded. Now only some faint pink dots in a suspicious shape dotted my skin, but the mark had been dark and angry the next day. I’d tried to hide it with a hoodie, but Alex had obviously seen it.
“I…”
“What? You’re going to tell me you hooked up with some random with a vampire fetish?”
“Are you really one to judge what someone likes in bed, considering the kind of shit you’re into,” I snapped.
I felt backed into a corner, and my default mode when I panicked was to be mean.
“I don’t give a shit if you like to be bitten or pissed on or whatever else might float your boat. I give a shit that my friend, the person I considered my best friend, has been avoiding me and lying to me for weeks!”
“I haven’t been.” My anger melted away.
He was right. I’d been a shitty friend to him, all because I was too chickenshit to tell him I was bi.
He tossed his keys onto his desk and crossed his arms. “How much longer are we going to do this dance?”
“What dance?”
“I know.” His voice was low and defeated.
“What do you know?” The whooshing in my ears grew louder as my vision went snowy.
“I know about you and Finn.”
The world went white, then black.
Strong hands grabbed my arms.
“Shit. Beck. Breathe, man. Just breathe.”
I blinked, but my vision stayed black. I tried to do as he said.
My chest hurt, and my lungs burned.
Why couldn’t I breathe?
“Come here.”
He dragged me into his room. I was vaguely aware of the door closing. Then I was being deposited onto something soft.
His bed?
“Breathe, Beck. You’re okay. Just fucking breathe.”
Finally, my vision cleared, but my head was still swimming. Blearily, I looked up. Alex crouched in front of me, concern written all over his face.
“How?” I croaked.
“Your room is right above mine,” he said softly. “And you two aren’t exactly quiet. Hell, I thought your bed was going to come crashing through the ceiling the other night. You two have stamina, that’s for damn sure. And bravo on the o’s. They sounded awesome.”
My brain was still trying to process that he knew.
“Who else?”
He shrugged. “No clue. It’s not like I’ve told anyone. I’d never do that. I’d never out you.”
The hurt in his voice cleared the last of my fog.
“How long have you known?”
“A few weeks. You started ducking me, and suddenly Finn was your new bestie. Then you two started ignoring each other when we were around, but you still spent your nights hanging with him in your room. It was obvious something was going on.”
“Obvious?”
Panic clawed at me.
“Obvious to me because I know you. Or at least I thought I did.”
“I…”
“Did you really think I’d care?”
His crestfallen expression cleared the last of my terror.
“I… no?”
“Have you ever heard me say anything homophobic or biphobic?” He sat back on his heels and looked at the floor, then back at me.
I wasn’t used to seeing Alex like this. He always kept his emotions close to his chest. The raw pain in his eyes was staggering.
“No.”
“Do you remember that party at Sigma house freshman year? When that meathead was talking shit to those two guys who were dancing together? Who was the only one in the whole goddamn room who got between them?”
“You.”
I’d forgotten about that night.
“I was willing to throw hands for strangers because someone was being a dickhead about them being into each other. And you thought I’d have an issue with my best friend liking dick?”
“I’ve just been so confused,” I whispered.
“I get that.” His tone softened. “And I’m not mad you didn’t come out to me before you were ready. I get that it’s a big deal. I’m pissed that you lied to my face about everything else. You couldn’t tell me that Finn was helping you study so you didn’t need my help? You made me think you blamed me for failing after we’d crammed together.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I never thought that.”
“And that day at the gym, when I was going on about the girl you’d hooked up with at the LGBT club night, you were so evasive. But you didn’t notice how I kept everything gender neutral after that. I asked if you’d met someone. If you’d had a date. Hell, I flat out asked if you were hanging with Finn multiple times, and you lied. I opened the goddamn door for you to tell me the truth, or at least a version of it, and you still wouldn’t trust me.”
I gaped at him as I processed his words.
I’d known I was hurting him but had no idea just how much.
“You’re the closest thing I have to a brother.” His voice cracked. He sat on the floor, cross-legged and looking so lost, so vulnerable, it broke my heart. “We used to talk about everything, and you just shut me out with no explanation.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.” He looked away. “But sorry doesn’t erase the last few weeks.”
I sank to my knees in front of him. “I haven’t told anyone. It’s not that I didn’t trust you. I just wasn’t ready.”
“I figured.” He stared at my hands, where they rested against my thighs. “I don’t care that you like guys. I don’t care if you ever checked me out or thought about me in a way that wasn’t just friendly. Not that you would.” He looked back up at me. “I’m obviously not your type. I’m just saying I don’t give a shit about any of that.”
“When we first met, I… felt something for you,” I admitted. Hopefully, this wasn’t going to fuck up our friendship even more. “It freaked me out, but it faded, and you are my best friend. I love you. You’re like a brother to me too.”
“I love you too, even if you are a jackass.” He swallowed hard. “And I guess I need to be honest with you too.”
I stayed quiet. He stared at the ceiling like he was hoping the heavens would open up and either steal him away or give him guidance.
“I’m not exactly straight either,” he mumbled.
My jaw dropped for the second time in five minutes. “What?”
“I hooked up with a guy before.” He met my gaze, his eyes defiant. “It was a long time ago, but it happened.”
I sat there, stunned.
“I didn’t tell you because it’s a nonissue. I might have done it before, but I’m not doing it now. I didn’t see the point of dropping that on you if I’m only with girls. Especially because I thought you were straight.
“Then this thing with Finn started, and I wanted to tell you so many times, but I didn’t want to be the one to start the conversation. I wanted you to trust me with this huge part of your life before I told you my secret.”
I understood his reasoning, and I couldn’t blame him for keeping quiet.
“I understand what you’re going through. I’ve been there. The confusion, the fear. It’s different for me because I never had to come out. That thing before wasn’t serious, and I’ve only been with girls since. You’re dating him. Aren’t you?”
I nodded.
“And you’re falling for him.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“He’s good people. I see the way you look at each other when you think no one is watching. Even when you ignored him, I could see it.”
“I guess I’m not as good an actor as I thought.”
“You’re really not.” He snorted, some of his usual carefree and casual attitude coming back. “And I kinda had a bit of a thing for you too when we first met.” He gave me a crooked smile. “But you’re not my type either.”
I laughed. A loud, full-belly one that was completely out of place, considering the situation.
The weight that had been dragging me down lifted, leaving behind a sense of relief that made me lightheaded.
“I’m not ready for other people to know,” I said quietly when my laughter finally subsided. “Do you think Matt or Eli know?”
“No clue. Matt hasn’t said anything, and I’ve only talked to Eli, like, twice since we moved in.”
“I’m sorry I lied to you.” I tried to inject as much sincerity as I could into my words.
“I know.” He climbed to his feet. “Are you going on a date tonight?” He offered me his hand.
I took it and let him haul me up.
“Yeah. It’s our first real date.”
Alex gave me a soft smile and went to his desk to get his keys. “Don’t worry about getting it back to me. I won’t need it until Sunday.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” He slapped the keys into my hand, the metal digging into my skin. “Have fun.”
“Thanks.”
I wanted to say more, to make sure he understood how sorry I was and how much he meant to me.
But Alex just flopped back onto his bed and picked up his phone, silently dismissing me.
Our chat might have cleared the air, but it hadn’t magically undone all the hurt I’d inflicted on him.
It would take time for him to trust me again.
I gave him one last look, then headed out of his room, closing the door behind me.
