“I’d do anything for my bippity-boppity-boo?”—Find My Way To You by Miles Parrish, Shalom Margaret
Colin
Once the last class for today is over, I head home. I can’t wait to take a good nap. Today has been exhausting. All this studying and thinking about Lily is exhausting.
I’m not even too sure if I’m more worried about Lily killing herself any moment, or her staying alive and cutting me off.
It’s definitely odd.
But I don’t think too much of it. Lily is a great friend to me. Maybe I would even consider her my best friend at this point. Which is weird because I already have three of those. One being her twin brother, who—if I’m being honest—is my favorite of those three dorks I call my best friends.
Something about Lily is refreshing. And it irks me that I won’t have her around for too much longer anymore. That is if I fail to convince her.
The second I arrive at home, I make my way to my bedroom. I don’t have much time before I have to leave again.
My father has the team come to the arena for practice at 4 p.m., if I’m late, he will probably have me take on an extra hour of practice. He wasn’t all too happy that I skipped on yesterday’s practice hours. Luckily, when I told him that I was visiting Eira, he seemed less mad.
I know I shouldn’t use my sister as an excuse to skip practice, but it wasn’t even a lie. I did go see her.
But to be honest, despite what I told Lily, I did want her to meet Eira. I was kind of hoping it would mess with Lily’s head.
I’m aware of how shitty that sounds.
I have no idea what suicidal people go through. I don’t know what would make them happy, or even reconsider wanting to commit for just a second.
It was probably a really selfish and dumb thing to do. I admit that.
Telling her the crap about Eira and her fascination with death, if it brought just a tiny bit of doubt to Lily, I will be pleased.
Unfortunately, I can’t read Lily’s mind, so I won’t ever know if she thought about it. I won’t ever know if she doubted her decision, even if it was just for a second. Apart from my wishful thinking, Lily doesn’t even know half of the truth.
We haven’t spoken ever since we bumped into one another at the cafeteria. Okay, “bumped into one another” might be an understatement.
Lily ended up sitting on my lap for good an hour before she had to leave for her next class. Not even going to lie, I was pretty disappointed when she left.
Thinking of her reminds me of something. I have this other thing planned for today. I’m aware that I took her out this morning already, but she technically only gave me eight days instead of nine, so I get an extra date today.
Who am I kidding? I don’t have anything else planned, I just want to make sure Lily doesn’t die even earlier.
Colin: Meet me at the arena at 6. I’m taking you out.
Lily: You already did. Your time is over for today. Save if for tomorrow.
Colin: I had less time yesterday, meaning I have more time today.
Lily: I’m not getting onto the ice.
I chuckle. She’s so adorable, thinking I wouldn’t get her back on the ice eventually. Lucky for Lily, that is not my plan for tonight.
Colin: Why? Can’t skate?
I know she can skate. I’ve read it in her journal before.
Lily: You hit the nail right on the head there, dumbass.
Colin: Well, don’t worry then, Lilybug. I’m an excellent skater. And so are you, liar.
Lily: Aw, forgot you read my unalive journey 101. But seriously, I don’t skate anymore. I have evolved a rational fear for ice skating.
Colin: Liar. I’ll let it slide for now, if you come to the arena at 6.
Lily: Fine, whatever. Do I need to dress up?
Colin: Hm…Yes. Wear my jersey.
Lily: Nude, got it. Don’t forget protection. x
I need a moment to remember that I have to breathe. Not for a minute have I imagined Lily being this bold. Like, I knew Lily could be…different. But bold like this? Never did I see that coming.
-♡–
“Carter, we have a surprise for you!” Zachery yells with as much enthusiasm as he can offer, just when I enter the locker room.
A surprise from this team can’t be good. They don’t do surprises. And if we do plan on a surprise, it’s never something good.
Which means, I’m positive that whatever they’ve planned to surprise me with, it’s more likely going to be a punishment. Oh sweet baby Jesus.
“Take a seat, captain,” Parker Griffin, our goalie, says. I choose to obey for my own good. These guys are capable of anything. And I mean anything.
“We spoke to the Coach before. He is in on this, so there is no need playing the dad-card,” Aaron informs me, speaking loud enough for the entire team to hear. It wouldn’t even make a difference if they hear a thing or not, they are all in on this.
Judging by the grins on their faces, I’m even more certain now that this is more of a punishment. I’ve suspected it before, but now I’m one hundred per cent convinced I will end up losing a body part after this.
“You didn’t show up for practice yesterday,” he continues. “What was so important?”
I don’t hesitate to answer. “My sister.”
My team knows about Eira and that she used to have cancer.
This team is like a second family to me. We’re all a little crazy and do call the other out for dumb shit. Sometimes we even throw insults into conversations. But we’re holding together like chewing gum holds onto the bottom of a shoe.
That said, it’s either all of us, or none of us at all. Like I said, we’re a package deal. The whole team.
Sure all of us have their little groups. I have mine. But that doesn’t mean the rest of the team doesn’t belong to the package.
“You skipped practice for your sister?” Aaron makes sure he got that right. “Not mine?”
The team starts to laugh.
Ever been seated in front of twenty-one other guys and they’re just laughing at you? Me neither. Up until now.
“Ana isn’t exactly the age-appropriate girl for me. She is only sixteen.”
“But Lily is age appropriate. She’s twenty, almost twenty-one.” Kaiden winks at me with a nasty grin on his face. I’m just going to assume Aaron finally admitted to him having a twin sister. I suppose it was long overdue anyway.
I also assume that Aaron threatened to cut off the guys’ junk if any of them let the word out to any other student.
I clear my throat, not knowing how to say anything back to Kaiden.
“You remember the unspoken rules, right?” Aaron takes over again. “Unspoken rule number one: Skipping practice for a girl will not stay unpunished.”
“It’s an unspoken rule. How would I remember it?” I question. “And I didn’t skip for Lily. I actually went to see Eira.”
Of course I know how I am supposed to remember a rule that has never been mentioned before.
These “unspoken rules” aren’t too unspoken.
I made them up. And they’re actually all written down in a notebook. Twenty-five unspoken rules in total.
They’re not getting talked about, but everyone knows them. When I first got voted as captain, I made sure we had some rules. I figured we needed them because the captain before me didn’t care one bit about the team. It was all about him and winning.
I wanted a team that actually sticks together. One that would take care of the other, be there for one another.
So I made up some rules.
Every teammate got a list to learn by heart. They called them the “teammate requirements.” Most of the rules were jokes at first. Rules like “don’t ever jump into a pool at a party on your own” weren’t meant to be taken seriously. But the team took them seriously. Meaning, we’ll go by them.
“Oh, I know,” Aaron says, chuckling. He undoubtedly spoke to Lily before all this, to get proof that I was with her. But that means he also knows we were with Eira. “But what about rule number ten?”
Unspoken rule #10: Teammates’ siblings are off-limits.
“Oh, fuck you, Marsh,” I snap. “You gave me the go, remember?” And besides, I’m not even dating Lily. We’re not a couple, or ever going to be one. I just want her to stay alive and realize life is worth living.
The problem is, I can’t tell him that.
“You’re a complete asshole, but I know you will be good to her.” Aaron offers me a slim smile before he turns back to grinning like the devil. “But you will have to face the punishment anyway.”
“Alright, beat me up already.”
Another round of laughter breaks free.
Whatever they think my punishment should be, clearly beating me up does not measure up to their expectations.
“We figured you could use a wardrobe change.” The grin on Aaron’s face widens, as so do the ones on the other guys’ faces.
This can’t be good at all.
“Just so you know, Coach signed in on this,” Aaron reminds me.
Only moments later, two of my teammates hand me a piece of clothing each. Grey hands me a white cropped top that looks like it’s going to be way too small on me. Zac hands me a tutu fitting to it. A white tutu that I will be freezing my ass off in.
But these aren’t the highlights yet.
When Grey and Zac step back, Aaron comes into vision. He is holding a pair of white fairy costume wings in his hands. I know they’re from a fairy costume because these belong to my sister.
“You guys know I will most definitely break a few bones or die from the cold, right?”
They shrug. All of them. They’re just shrugging and then burst into laughter like this costume is the most hilarious thing ever.
It is. I have to admit to that. If I weren’t the one in the hot seat.
“Come on, Princess Fairytale, get dressed,” Aaron says, swinging a wand around before bopping the tip of my nose with it. After that he makes his way to his locker as quick as possible.
The laughter never dies out. In fact, with every piece of clothing I strip out of, my teammates find it more and more hilarious. And by the time I’m only in my boxers and have to put on the great costume, they’re all dying of laughter.
But I don’t back away from a challenge, so I squeeze myself into the way too tight clothes and try to present them as manly as possible. When that doesn’t work, I decide to go with unleashing my inner princess. Or fairy for that matter.
Does that make me the Fairy Godmother now?
I mean, I’m the team captain in a fairy costume. That definitely makes me the Fairy Godmother. Now, where’s my Cinderella?
Just when I think their laughter couldn’t get any worse, it happens.
“Someone take a picture of this!” Grey yells, bringing his hands to his mouth to mimic a megaphone.
I give Grey the finger but embrace my photogenic genes and pose for some great ass pictures, being fully aware that these dumbasses will post them all over the internet later today.
But, hey, what’s a team without some fun shit like this, right?
“Since we don’t want you to get hurt,” Kaiden begins. He walks over to me, his hands hiding behind his back. “We made sure you have a helmet.” Kaiden brings his hands upfront, showing me the helmet they prepared for me.
It’s a plain white helmet, fitting to the white cropped top and white tutu. But what’s new is the paper crown glued right on top of the helmet.
“Why, thank you, guys. This is awesome!” I take the helmet with pride and put it on, continuing to pose for more pictures. “Wait, did I get some awesome new skates as well?”
“Do we look rich or something?” Aaron asks.
“You do, actually.” It’s sort of the truth. Aaron Marsh doesn’t look too rich, but what even defines “looking rich?”
What I do know, his family sure as hell has money. His father is a medical lawyer. And his mother, what I know now is his stepmother, is a cardiothoracic surgeon.
“Fuck you, man.”
“I would, but I have your sister for that,” I lie.
Aaron tenses, his hands balling into fists. For a second I think I’ve gone too far, I probably have, but he doesn’t act out. His lips form into a thin line like he is thinking about what to say.
“She’s not sleeping with you,” he ends up saying. “I would know. Winter would rat you out to me.”
“Not unless Lily doesn’t talk to her.”
“Winter would have to unblock you first, bro,” Miles throws in. The other guys stay quiet, choosing to chuckle every now and then, instead of getting themselves some ass whooping.
“Yeah,” I agree, “what’s going on between you two anyway? Is it officially over?”
“It’s been for a while. She just didn’t get the memo.” Aaron rips off his shirt, being completely unbothered by this conversation. “She’s a great fuck, but nothing for long-term. She’s too giggly and dramatic.”
“Sure saw the dramatic part,” I admit. “You do know she is driving Lily insane, right?”
“Well, Lily is twenty years old, she can handle someone like Winter.”
“I doubt that,” I mumble inaudibly.
I put on my skates, grab my hockey stick and leave the locker room together with the rest of the team. I’m sure I won’t make it out of here without tons of bruises today, but that’s alright.
I’m just praying I will still have every part of my body working by the end of today’s practice.
“Colin!” Coach Carter exclaims. “Get your ass over here!” By the sound of his voice, I start to doubt this was approved by him. He is upset. I know he is.
I quickly skate over to my father, keeping some distance between us in case I have to run for my life.
“I suppose you weren’t in on this then?”
“Oh, no, I was,” he laughs. “Got you the wings. Eira wants a picture as proof you actually wore them.”
“Of course she does.”
“Colin, you need to promise you won’t run away in a minute,” he says in a soft tone. It’s scary. My father barely ever speaks like this. Only when he has bad news for me.
It’s not like Tobias Carter is a bad guy. My father has his moments. He’s a great father, and he’s been my role model for as long as I can remember. At least when I was a child. But he also has his aggressive moments. He lets his anger out on the ice though, never on people around him.
Except for his team, that is.
When Tobias Carter is in a bad mood, he tortures his hockey players. That means more intense practice.
“What happened?”
“Your mother had to take Eira to the hospital earlier,” he says. “She is alright. Well, as alright as it gets given her state. They let her go back home, but she can’t have many visitors these days.”
“So you’re saying I can’t come home to visit her anymore?”
“God, no. Do you know your sister? She would rip our heads off if we no longer let her favorite sibling come visit her.”
“So then what are you saying?”
“She won’t make it to the game on Friday.”
“Jesus. You could have just started with this and then elaborate instead of giving me half a heart attack,” I tell him.
“I know you hate it when she can’t come to your games—’
I cut him off. “Dad. All that matters is that Eira’s condition isn’t getting any worse. We can’t risk her losing her life. It’s bad enough as it is. You really think I would get upset about her missing out on my games, when these are infection catcher?”
He offers me a slim smile before turning me around and slapping his hand between my shoulder blade, dismissing me.
“We’re starting off with warm-ups!” He blows his whistle to signal the beginning of practice.
My father urges us to do a way longer warm-up than ever before.
Usually we do some stretches for a couple of minutes, just to get our blood flowing, maybe shooting a puck once for the sake of it. With no goalie. But not this time. Coach Carter has us skate up and down the ice for an hour straight, as fast as we could possibly go. And if we are too slow for his liking, we have to repeat it. Over, and over again.
As two hours pass, most of the guys are sitting on the ice, protesting to go any further. We’re working on shooting the puck “the correct way.” For some reasons, our goalies choose today to not let even just one in.
See, if this was a game against some other team it would be good, great even. But not letting us, their own teammates, shoot these damn pucks into the goal when we’re already close to dying on the ice just sucks balls.
And since the team fails to get even just one puck into the net, Coach Carter continues to push us. “You won’t get out of here until all of you goaled at least once,” is what he said half an hour ago.
Another hour later, half of the team wants to escape and never step foot on this ice ever again. Or any ice.
“Fine, you go drink something, stay hydrated, and then get your lame asses back out here!” he yells, dismissing us for only five minutes at most.
I watch as my teammates skate toward the exit, running to get some water into their system. I stay on the ice. At least until I catch the same blonde hair, I’ve seen at the very same spot five days ago.
Lily is here.
“What time is it?” I ask my father.
He checks his phone, saying, “5:42, why?”
“Permission to say hello to someone real quick?”
I watch my father look through the arena, trying to find that someone I want to say hello to. When he finally spots Lily, he chuckles, then gestures up and down my body. “You sure you want to say hello to her, dressed like this?”
“Lily has seen worse days,” I say, giving him pleading eyes. If they work for Eira, they should work for me too.
Spoiler: They don’t.
“Stop the puppy-dog eyes, kid,” he laughs. “You want to go pro, Colin. You can’t just leave the ice for some girl.”
“But she’s not just some girl, dad.” It’s the truth. Lily isn’t just someone to me. She’s way more than that.
“Two minutes.”
I don’t waste much time and immediately skate over to the exit on the other side of the ice and run toward Lily. While running, I figure it’s a great idea to take off my gloves. These gloves don’t allow me too much movement. Or I just want to feel her skin on mine. Either way, I’m okay with taking them off for now.
She doesn’t seem to notice me until I’m standing right in front of her.
“Nice outfit,” she compliments falsely, biting onto her bottom lip to stop the laugh from slipping out. “You owe me a shirt.”
I suck in a sharp breath. “This is yours?”
And finally, the slightest of chuckle slips out from Lily’s throat.
She nods. “Aaron called me earlier and asked if I had a cropped top that I don’t care about.”
“Traitor.”
“I like it. This costume suits you.”
“Don’t you have to be on the ice?” Lily asks. “Your teammates are gawking.”
“Let them. It’s not like we’re doing forbidden things here.”
“What would that be?”
I don’t response. Instead, I look at her. Lily is the kind of person I could look at all day and never get bored. She is unbelievably pretty, but that’s not even the point. I just like looking at her for some reasons.
I take Lily’s hands in mine, stroking over her knuckles. She has a few bruises on them. I wonder where she got them from, but I don’t ask.
“Aren’t you cold?” Her green eyes staring into mine. She looks concerned for me, it makes my heart melt.
“Not so much. The moving keeps my body pretty heated.”
She responds with a sigh. “Right.”
I know Lily used to figure skate. But I don’t understand why she stopped when she still loves it.
“I should be out in half an hour. I have to take a shower after practice, but I will hurry up, I promise.”
“You certainly need the shower, Mr. Stinky.”
“I do. Practice ends in ten minutes. You will wait until I’m back, right?”
“No.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. She has to wait, I won’t accept anything else. Lily looks away from me, her eyes fixed on my teammates that are probably pressed against the glass to see as much as possible. Nosy asses.
I take off my helmet, needing to plant a kiss to Lily’s forehead. It has become a move I like to do. At least when it comes to Lily.
“Colin! Get your ass back here!” I hear my father yell, but I refuse to pay him any attention just yet.
“You hear that, dumbass? Your presence is needed on the ice,” Lily says.
“Too bad. Because I’d much rather be here with you.” I place my index finger underneath her chin, resting my thumb on it at the same time as I tilt her head up for me. I lean down, and just like I’ve done it before, place a slow and tender kiss onto her forehead. Her skin is warm against my lips, somehow filling my body with an amount of heat I’ve never felt before.
When I pull away, I notice Lily biting down onto her bottom lip, trying to hide her smile. She fails miserably.
I stroke my thumb over her lips, freeing Lily’s bottom lip from her teeth. “Don’t hide your smile. It’s too pretty to keep it hidden,” I whisper.
“You have to go. Coach Carter will get mad.”
“He’s my father. He will get mad either way.”
“Yeah, but this is your place, Colin. You belong here. In an arena, playing hockey. You do want to go pro, right?” I nod. “So you should use all the ice time you can get and improve.”
“Are you saying I’m bad at what I’m doing?”
“Not at all. But there is always space to improve,” she speaks softly.
“PRINCESS FAIRYTALE!” One of my teammates yells. Most likely Grey.
Lily laughs. “I love your new nickname.”
“My new nickname is Fairy Godmother. I won’t accept anything else,” I tell her.
“That’s even worse.”
I grab Lily’s water bottle into my hands and take a few sips. She doesn’t seem to mind it. Even if she does, I wouldn’t care.
“Not when you call me that.” I wink at her and tilt her face to the side. Lily’s cheek facing me now.
I bend down just enough so I can kiss her cheek, but Lily has other plans.
My mouth is an inch away from her cheek when Lily turns her head, facing me. “What are—”
Our lips meet. It’s totally unwanted and accidental, but I don’t want to move away. When her soft lips meet mine, I no longer think about who is around us. All that matters to me is Lily. Lily and her lips that are connected to mine. The same lips that send tingling sparks through my body, multiplying the heat that rose inside of me a minute ago by five.
This is a new feeling for me. I never felt this electricity running through my veins when I kissed someone.
I’ve heard this could happen. I’ve read about it, but never experienced it myself. Especially not with such a kindergarten-kiss like this.
Yet it’s more than feeling excited. It’s more intense, more breathtaking in a different way.
It’s more.
Everything around me doesn’t exist. We’re not in a Hockey Arena. We don’t have all twenty-one of my teammates, plus my father, watching us kiss.
It’s just Lily and me. Two friends kissing by accident.
But then why don’t I want to leave her lips?
Why do I want to pull her in closer, taste her on my tongue? Why do I want to feel her closer, kiss her harder, deeper?
As much as I loathe having to pull away, I know I have to.
This was an accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Lily and I weren’t supposed to kiss. We’re friends. Friends don’t kiss.
Her cheeks are flushed when I look at her again. I hope this won’t change anything now.
She is clearly embarrassed. I hate that she is.
A part of me is hoping that she felt the same tickles run down her spine, intoxicate her body with me like mine got intoxicated with her. At the same time I am hoping this meant nothing to her. Because if it did, it will complicate the “dates” I’ve planned.
Are these even considered “dates”?
I’m aware of me joking about all this a lot. I call her my girlfriend to her face sometimes, when I know she is not.
What does this mean? Why do I even really care if she dies or not?
Sure, I care now that I know her better. But why did I care right from the start?
I just bet this is all because of Aiden. He made sure I cared for people, not let myself get lost in fame and money. But Aiden and Lily are two completely different people to me. She wasn’t my business, Aiden was. I made her mine to care about, and now she’s too important to me to stop.
I want her alive. I need her alive. I need her to breathe, to live. I need her to be here, with Aaron, with her family and friends.
“You’ll wait, right?” I repeat my previous question, needing her to tell me she won’t run away now.
She clears her throat, looking down to the floor, avoiding my eyes. “I, uh, sure.”
“Lily.” I sigh. “We didn’t mean for this to happen. Let’s not make it weird, okay?”
“It’s not weird. We’re cool.”
Something tells me she is lying. She is still avoiding my gaze.
I quickly look toward the ice, seeing my teammates mocking me for what just happened here. Griffin does the basic making-out with oneself move. Aaron is rolling his eyes at me. Grey is smiling like an idiot, knowing me only too well.
Allowing my eyes to wander over to my father, I see him smiling at me knowingly. It’s the same smile Grey gives me, just that it’s so much more powerful coming from the man I owe everything to.
He waves me off, telling me I’m free to go.
I grab onto Lily’s hand, pulling her off the seat. She lets out a shriek but shuts up when I drag her after me. She only starts to protest when I step onto the ice.
“I’m not going on the ice,” she says with a warning tone. “Colin, I will bite you.”
“You do that, Lilybug.” I scoop her up from the ground, holding her up shortly before throwing her over my shoulder and begin to skate over the ice.
She is screaming for me to let her down, but I’m not. Lily doesn’t want to touch the ice, so I won’t let her touch it. Not yet anyway.
My teammates are catcalling over what is happening. The knowing “ooh’s” and “ahh’s” escaping their mouths when I pass them tell me that I will regret this sooner rather than later.
It is definitely a challenge to skate with someone hanging from my shoulder. But it’s manageable. Though, if she keeps on pinching my ass, I might drop her.
I swear, Lily Reyes has some strength in her fingers. I always thought Eira was good at pinching me, but Lily tops it all.
By the time I reach the other side of the ice, I swear I will have a bruise on my ass cheek.
“Colin, let her down.” Aaron steps in my way, stopping me from moving. Aaron is the only one protesting. The rest of the team is either wooing for me, or just ignore me skating over the ice with a pretty hot girl swung over my shoulder altogether.
“Not going to happen.”
“Let me down, Colin!” Lily screams, pinching me once again.
“Fine, you want to walk over the ice in your shoes?” I start to let her down, pulling her back over my shoulder to the front before she eventually stops me.
“Let me down when we’re back on not-ice territory.”
“That’s what I thought.” I allow myself to chuckle, then make my way to the exit closest to the locker room.
Aaron is still watching me, I can feel his eyes on me, following my every move. I can’t blame him. If some guy did this to my sister, I would have beaten him to death. Probably not to death, but close to it.
“No girls in the locker room, Colin!” My father yells after me. It has always been forbidden, I know that. The locker room is the teams’ private space. All of our belongings are in there. And well, it’s just in general for us, not some visitors. But regardless, there’s another reasoning behind the “no girls” rule. It’s a simple and obvious rule. No girls, because every hockey player at this school is something different.
But the rule also relies on the name “Zachery Bloom.”
I step off the ice, turning my attention toward my father for a slight moment. My hand stays locked in position around Lily’s wrist. If I let it go now, she will run away. I won’t risk that.
“No bad intentions, dad,” I say loud enough for him to hear me. “I promise!”
