“it kills me how your mind could make you feel so worthless”—Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi
Lily
Dear whoever reads this,
Colin is taking me coffee tasting in a short while.
I don’t even know what I am supposed to wear to that.
Do I dress up? Wear sweats and a baggy shirt?
It’s complicated. Frustrating even.
I still have his jersey. I might wear it. It smells like him, I like it.
To think that Colin does this to show me that life is worth living is also frustrating.
Today’s morning, he seemed so mad at me, or Miles, perhaps. Either way, he was jealous. I know he was.
But that’s scaring me.
What if Colin likes me more than I thought? (That can’t be)
This can’t happen. I can’t do this to Colin.
He deserves better than a suicidal girlfriend.
We’re not even a couple, and I still think he deserves better than me.
He still wants to save me.
It’s only day three. I should have more faith in him. But I don’t even want to believe in saving.
Imagine how embarrassing it would get.
“Oh, I will stay alive, thank you, Colin.”
“No worries.”
And then we’re both going separate ways.
Forever.
Awkwardly stare at the other from across the room.
Awkwardly nod a hello.
Awkwardly say congratulations at graduation.
No, thank you.
I couldn’t even continue to live if I wanted to.
Even if he shows me there’s more to live for, the pain would still be there.
I don’t want to die because I don’t think there is more to life, but it’s the pain that makes me want to leave.
I don’t want to continue to feel empty.
I don’t want to be numb anymore.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel love; be loved and love someone.
But I can’t.
It’s all…numb.
Nothing but nothingness.
I know there are people that love me.
Like Aaron and my dad. Even Ana and Liz.
But it’s not the same love I desire.
It’s not the same love that makes me act like a little girl.
It’s not the same love that makes me lose my mind.
I’ve never felt that kind of love. I have always been too numb for it, I suppose.
And now it’s too late.
No one could love me back to life. I can’t even love myself back to life.
I can’t expect anyone saving me when I can’t even save myself.
I’m like a ticking bomb.
I can explode any second, destroying everything and everyone around me.
Not with an outburst of emotions. But with my death.
My family will be devasted, I know they will be.
But I don’t care.
That’s the part that irks me the most.
I don’t care that I will hurt my family with my death.
And Colin?
I bet he will be sad. Or so I kind of hope he will be.
He devoted nine days of his life to me.
Nine days of showing me why I should stay alive.
And he will lose.
He will wonder if this is his fault.
I mean, he knows it’s not.
But we all know what this is going to do to him.
He will wonder if he could have done just one thing differently, taken me to one other location to save my life.
But he couldn’t. Colin, you couldn’t.
This is about me.
I want to die because I can’t live with me being me.
I can’t live with me.
I can’t live with my emotions, or the ones that are left.
I used to be so good at sleeping.
And now I can’t even do that anymore.
It’s tiring. Really.
My thoughts are killing me. Literally.
I can’t stand this anymore.
I am not that strong.
I fought this for so long.
I took so many medications to fight it.
Nothing helped.
Nothing is helping.
I want to leave.
Please just let me leave.
Dying in vain doesn’t sound so bad when you see the positive side.
I won’t have to suffer anymore.
I will be a free soul. No more crying at night.
No more pain.
No more numbness.
I finally found a way out. I am no longer trapped.
And I will never be gone.
I will always be around, watching over the people I love.
That’s what one says, right?
Spirit world sounds peaceful.
Wandering around as a spirit, doing some mischief.
That sounds lovely.
Lily
