“when your eyes can’t see, take your eyes from me. When you’re lost and losing faith, I will be your saving grace”—Saving Grace by Kodaline
Colin
I do think that Lily needs this. She needs to let out her negative feelings, her anger, her frustration. Especially after what just happened back at her mother’s house.
Lily doesn’t speak when we’re inside the building. She looks quite irritated even, like she doesn’t know why I took her plate smashing.
I think it’s self-explanatory, she doesn’t seem to think so.
“Take this sharpie,” I say, handing her a black sharpie. She hesitates at first, just furrowing her eyebrows at me. Eventually she takes it though.
I tell her to wait right where she’s at, then walk off toward the reception to pay for a couple of plates. I make sure it’s alright that we’ll be writing on them. All the guy sitting at the front desk says is, “They’ll break anyway. Do as you please.”
He has a point. Still, I wanted to make sure it is okay.
I pay for a total of twenty-two plates, carrying eleven plates over to Lily, then go back to get the other eleven.
Lily doesn’t help, but I also don’t want her to.
Once all of the twenty-two plates are placed on the table nine feet away from a huge target sign, I only walk back to the reception one last time to get two helmets.
I put one on my head, then go back to Lily and put the other onto her head. She’s confused, but I guess she has assumptions as to what this is about.
“You got the sharpie?” Lily nods once, holding it up. “Good.”
I hand her an empty plate and take one for myself. She watches me as I write something down on mine.
Forgive me, Aiden.
“Who’s Aiden?” Lily cocks her head to the side.
“Not too important.” I offer a slim smile. I didn’t tell her everything there is to know about me. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever truly told Lily anything about me.
And with no further explanation, I throw the plate at the huge red target sign with all of the anger I have inside of me. It smashes, splintering into tons of tiny pieces when it hits the wall.
It’s a relief. I know this doesn’t take away the naked truth and the fact that the problem is still present, but it does offer some relief. Even if it’s just a short-term relief.
I turn to Lily, nodding for her to do the same. She thinks it’s silly, so she doesn’t want to do that.
“Do it anyway.”
Lily shakes her head. “I won’t write something down and smash a perfectly fine plate.”
“They’re all malfunctions. Have a few cracks already. They would have gotten thrown out anyway. You’ll feel better.”
Lily sighs, knowing I’m right. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m always right…but I kind of am.
“Just throw one and see if it does something,” I tell her.
Lily nods carefully, pulling the cap off the sharpie before writing something down. I would love to know what she is writing, but I’m not going to ask for her to tell me. If she wants me to know, she’ll tell me.
Before I know, Lily is throwing the plate across the room, watching as it shatters into pieces. She falls down to her knees, sobbing again.
She’s been crying ever since we stepped out of her mother’s house, and it is breaking my goddamn heart. I don’t want to see her tear-stained face anymore. It hurts me. But maybe crying is good for her.
I don’t dare touching Lily, not right now. I want her to deal with her pain, feel the relief as the emotions she wrote onto that plate shatter.
So I’m waiting. Waiting for Lily to react. Waiting for her to say something, move, do literally anything. But it doesn’t come. Not for the next two minutes at least.
“Why’d you get so many?” she asks, her voice so quiet, I barely hear it.
“Twenty-two, for twenty-one years of bullshit. And one for me, because I had to demonstrate how to do this safely.”
She turns her head to look at me. A soft smile tugs on her lips, her eyes hopeful and filled with appreciation.
“That must have been expensive.”
I shrug. “Not more than $30. It was a dollar for each plate, $8 for extra time.”
“I’ll pay you back.”
“You will,” I say, “by throwing those plates against the wall.”
“Thank you, Colin.” Lily stands back up on her feet, so I hand her another plate. She takes it and starts to scribble down another word, or a couple more.
She throws it against the wall with all of her strength, letting her tears just roll down her face as she lets go of her pain. For a moment at least.
“I’ve never been more disappointed in you, Liliana.” Her tenth plate reads. I wonder if her mother said this to her.
But wait a second; Liliana?
Why did she keep that from me?
I want to ask Lily about it, but I don’t think this is the right time to ask if her first name isn’t Lily but Liliana.
Maybe I’m imagining things. I mean, my heart is still aching for this beautiful blonde girl in front of me. It’s still hurting from the tears that I see on her cheeks whenever she turns around and smiles at me. It still hurts when I see her red puffy eyes and her reddened nose. It still hurts when I hear her voice break as she screams when she throws the plate.
It still hurts to know that she’s in pain.
“Maybe I should have kept the other disappointment instead of you, Liliana.”
Lily isn’t writing down what she feels. She is writing down hurtful memories. Memories she wishes she doesn’t have. Sentences that broke her world, ones she is now shattering, banishing from her life. Maybe for a just a moment, maybe forever. Who knows?
“I don’t want to see you anymore. Just leave. Leave or die. I don’t care.”
Lily is down to two plates. Her eyes lock with mine for a second when she takes one from my hands. She looks happier. Maybe not happy, but definitely lighter.
Like throwing these words against a wall and see her connected emotions burst into pieces lifted off some of the weight she’s been carrying with her.
“Can I write down wishes?”
I nod. She can do whatever the hell she wants with those plates. She could have thrown them all at once for all that I care. As long as it’s helping, even just for a little bit, I’m good with it.
“Good.” She smiles and turns away from me. She won’t let me read what she writes before throwing the plate against the target sign.
This time she’s not crying when it shatters. She turns around, scrunches up her nose as she beams at me. “One more,” she says as she takes the plate from my hands. But before she turns back around, Lily tugs at my collar, pulling me down to her enough to brush her lips against mine. “Thank you,” she whispers and turns back around.
Kissing Lily is starting to feel natural. I could never get bored of it, and it’s not like I fear kissing her anymore. If I want to kiss her, I do and I will.
She may think I’m only trying to protect her from more pain when I said she was mine. But that’s not what I was talking about.
She is mine. Even if she dies, she’s always going to be mine. I know this girl is special. She has a huge heart, loves with so much brightness. It’s so sad to see that she wouldn’t even see it herself.
So I’ll be loving her. I’ll love her until her last breath, and even after that I’ll continue to love her with every breath I take. Even if I have to breathe for the both of us.
Lily throws the plate, but this time it’s not breaking.
We’re both looking at the plate with huge question marks over our heads.
Lily just threw a plate against a brick wall from nine feet distance, and it didn’t break. What kind of dark magic is that?
“What the hell?” Lily laughs. “It was the most important wish.” Her hands fall to her sides, her body slightly sagging in frustration.
“What did you wish for?” I ask. I would get the plate for her, if the area wasn’t locked off for anyone but employees.
I see Lily’s brain work, like she’s contemplating on telling me. It can’t possibly be that big of a secret.
“Your happiness.”
“What?” I almost start to cough from swallowing in surprise.
“I was wishing for you to find a girlfriend that loves you unconditionally. Someone to be alongside you when I can’t do that anymore.”
I gulp, swallowing hard. Once. Twice. Probably a couple more times before I find my voice. “Why?” is all I can come up with. It’s all I can get myself to say. My mouth is far too dry to bring words across my lips.
“Because I need you to be happy, even after my death. I need you to be okay. I want to know you found your happiness, Colin.”
I inhale deeply. How do I tell someone who’s suicidal that I’ve already found my happiness, and it will leave right when she does? How do I tell her that she is my happiness, that she is bringing light to my life? How do I tell her that she is my joy, everything that brings me satisfaction, that she is my euphoria…without sounding like I want her to stay alive for me?
“Better luck next time,” I say, grabbing her hand in mine.
We’re giving our helmets back to the guy at the front desk and say goodbye. The guy, who’s name I think is Jeff—at least that’s what his nametag says—seems a bit confused.
Can’t blame him. He’s watched Lily have a whole mental breakdown over plates and then she leaves with a huge grin on her lips while half her face is still covered in mascara smudges.
She still looks pretty though.
-♡–
“I just don’t get it,” I say, munching on some popcorn.
When Lily and I got home, she asked me to watch a movie before we eventually have to get going for the bar. Of course I agreed.
I wouldn’t have if she told me she was picking the movie.
Okay, I still would have agreed.
But now I’m stuck here, watching Legally Blonde because it’s Lily’s favorite movie. And I don’t get it.
“What’s there not to understand?” She is laughing at me. I don’t like that she thinks I’m stupid, but at least she’s laughing.
Luckily, it’s the end of the movie now, meaning I no longer have to sit through an overly sexist representation of a rich girl, living on solely daddy’s pockets.
Seriously, why do these older movies always have the rich teenage female main character dressed in pink? And only pink, like it’s some sort of character trait of theirs. What if they wanted to wear blue? Not every rich girl loves pink.
“The ending,” I say. “Emmet totally should’ve gotten with Elle.”
Lily laughs…again. “Did you not read what it said on the screen by the end?”
“It’s a movie. You don’t do reading while watching a movie, Lilybug.”
Lily rolls her eyes at me, shaking her head disbelievingly. “It literally said they’ve been dating for two years.”
“Liar.” I don’t believe Lily. Okay, I do. But I know if I don’t and rewind the part now, she will laugh again.
So I rewind the movie until the beginning of their graduation. We watch until—who would have guessed it—it says just what Lily told me.
“Oh, fuck me.”
“Like, right now?”
My eyes shoot toward Lily with shock displaying in them. I was expecting another round of laughter. Maybe even her literally making fun of me. But I never saw that coming.
I feel my dick harden instantly.
In not even a heartbeat, I tip Lily over, her back meeting the sitting space from the sofa, and hover right over her. She lets out a breathless shriek as I press my weight onto her, though I make sure she can still breathe properly. Lily is just a tad dramatic sometimes.
“I’m always down to have sex with you, Lilybug,” I say, grinning. “But are you down for it?”
Lily smiles at me mischievously, shrugging, not saying a word.
She is trying to kill me.
“I’ll figure it out.” That said, I trace my hand down her body, cursing her out in my head for deciding to wear jeans today. Jeans have to get unbutton first, only then can I slip my hand inside her pants. If she’d be wearing leggings it would be a lot easier. But I’m not going to complain…to her at least. In my head, I sure am complaining.
I unbutton her pants and reach inside, watching her gaze change from pure sweetness to pure lust. Her desire for me to get her off almost makes me come in my pants. It’s ridiculously embarrassing.
Cupping my hand over her pussy, just slightly brushing over her underwear has Lily’s breath shaky. And I am absolutely digging it.
She doesn’t tell me what to do. She isn’t telling me to stop, but she also isn’t begging for me to touch her, yet. She is just letting me do what I think is right, knowing it will get her out of here satisfied.
I’m not saying my finger game is mind-blowing, but I’m pretty confident with what I do, and I know how to do it right.
I add pressure against her entrance, pressing her underwear slightly against her core, feeling the wetness slowly soak through the fabric.
Lily lifts her hips up, wanting me to go further than that.
So I slip my hand underneath her underwear, sliding my finger through her folds, coating them in her wetness. I dip one finger only slightly into her core before pulling it out and spreading the evidence of her arousal around.
She moans, wrapping her arms around my neck, pulling me down just a tiny bit more so her lips can brush over mine. I’m not fighting the kiss. In fact, I’m glad she is kissing me. I was craving to feel that sweet mouth of hers pressed to mine again.
Dipping fingers back inside of her, Lily’s breath hitches, her hips shifting into my touch.
“Aw, fuck.” The feeling of Lily has my head spin—A good kind of spinning.
All I want to do is rip off her clothes and fuck her right here on the sofa. I want—need—to feel her. I need to be inside of her. Right now.
But what I want more than to be inside of her right now is to please her. To listen to her whimpers, begging me to make her come. To hear her moan out my name when she does.
My fingers curl up inside her as I stroke the pad of my thumb over her clit, flicking it, slowly.
God, what I would do to taste her right now. Taste her when I suck on that clit of hers instead of massaging it with my thumb. Taste her on my tongue when I dip into her core, licking her.
But instead I have her lips pressed to mine. More or less so. Lily barely manages to kiss back. But instead of finding that annoying, it’s a great way to tell that she’s feeling good. That I am making her feel good.
And then, she starts to beg. “Please.” Her mouth is open against mine, no longer kissing me but trying to.
It brings a chuckle to my throat, but I don’t let it slip out.
I could continue to tease her, pull out my fingers and stop stimulating her clit. I can decide to be a tease or give her what she wants: an orgasm.
Since it’s Lily’s birthday, I choose the latter and give her what she is begging for.
Lily is panting, trying to steady her breathing, my hand still inside her pants when gagging sounds appear from the door.
I don’t budge too much, knowing that’s Aaron. Lily, however, is panicking.
She pulls my hand out of her pants, quickly zipping them up before hiding her face in the palms of her hands. She doesn’t sit up, doesn’t even move at all. All Lily does is lie there, hiding her face.
It’s amusing, but I know I shouldn’t find this funny. Lily is embarrassed, mortified—probably.
I sit up, looking into Aaron’s eyes as I slowly suck off Lily’s wetness from my fingers. He watches me with disgust written all over his face.
If it wasn’t Lily lying on the sofa next to—or behind—me, Aaron wouldn’t care. Truth is, I once fucked a girl right next to him. Like the good best friend he is, he pretended to be asleep until she left. He didn’t care one bit. But this is Lily, of course he cares now.
“Did you just finger fuck my sister on our sofa?” It’s a rhetorical question.
Lily squeals at his words, not wanting to hear him say this. Then she is finally sitting up, having found enough courage to face her brother.
Or not. Cause instead of facing him, Lily moves right behind me, wrapping her arms and legs around my torso and hides her face in my back. It’s like she is using me as her own personal armor.
“No,” Lily mumbles, yet at the same time I voice a “Yes.” Lily slaps me for it, but I don’t understand why. It’s not like Aaron is stupid. He knows what he’s seen, hell, maybe even heard.
“That’s disgusting,” he says through faked gags. “Can you at least try to keep this away from my eyes? Otherwise I will move out.”
“Even better. Gives Lilybug and me more privacy.”
Lily slaps her palm to my chest once more, tapping her forehead against my back a couple of times while groaning in desperation.
“Wait, you said Lily would stay for five days only.”
“Yup. Still only five days.”
“I don’t want to be here,” Lily groans out. Aaron laughs, shaking his head.
Even when Aaron stops to laugh, he still has a gentle smile on his lips. I’m not sure if it’s there because he is happy for Lily that she found someone to use as her shield, or if he’s just bemused by all this and plans on killing me tonight.
I’ll go with the latter, taking a mental note to lock my bedroom door when we get back home from the bar.
“I’m so glad it’s my birthday and we’re going to Brites. I really need a drink after that. Or ten.” Aaron makes his way upstairs, but I stop him, calling out his name. “What is it?”
“Happy birthday.”
“Fuck off. But thanks.”
