“she has the power to save you, the only one who’s got enough of you to break you”—She by Jake Scott
Colin
Her body is shaking. It’s even worse than it was when she was late for class. She doesn’t listen to me. I think she is trying to, but it’s like Lily isn’t even inside of her own body right now.
“Lily,” I repeat for the fifth time. Still no reaction. Her eyes are on mine, but she doesn’t react.
Her breathing seems to be normal, maybe a bit faster than usual but not as bad as it was the other day.
Lily’s hands are cold when I hold them—she is cold. It’s like holding the hands of a corpse in mine. If she wasn’t breathing, I would assume she just died on me.
“I’m taking you upstairs, okay?” I feel the need to tell her what I’m doing. I don’t want her to panic just because I’m picking her up. If she’s conscious, I think she will appreciate me talking to her. “You’re okay, sweetheart.”
I don’t know if she truly is. I’m not sure if I told her she this for her, or for my sake.
She has to be okay. I can’t lose her. Not yet, not this Friday, and not ever.
Picking up Lily from the sofa, I carry her upstairs, calling out for Aaron in hopes he might know what the hell is going on. I mean, maybe this happened before, and he was around when it did.
“Aaron!” I repeat half-way up the stairs. It’s only ten, he’s still asleep but I don’t care. I believe he won’t care either once he sees his sister motionless in my arms.
Though, she’s not too motionless. I can feel her fingers pressing into my nape. Additionally, her head isn’t hanging low, so she does still have some kind of control over her body.
Aaron’s room door wings open. The angry look on his face quickly vanishes when he sees Lily in my arms. “What…what is going on?”
He holds his bedroom door open, indicating for me to carry her inside. Would have preferred to take her to my bedroom, but his will do.
“I don’t know what happened,” I say, my voice filled with concern. “She just started trembling and stopped acknowledging her surroundings. I’m not even sure if she can hear us. She’s not responding, not reacting. She’s not doing anything.” Gently easing Lily onto Aaron’s bed, I allow myself a second to panic before snapping back into protection mode.
“Has this ever happened before?” I ask, coming off a little snappier than intended.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know!”
“I’m not exactly familiar with her condition. I never asked if she takes any medication. She’s depressed, that much I know. So I assume she’s taking antidepressants. But what the hell do I know if she’s ever done…this?” He points over to his sister that’s currently lying on his bed. Her eyes are still on me, which tells me that she is here with us.
Groaning, I rake my hands through my hair. What do I do?
“Does your father know?” I ask in a rush. Aaron shrugs. “Call him.” It’s not a question, it’s a command.
“Maybe we should take her to a hospital?”
I look over to Lily. Her eyes are wider than before. She’s scared. It breaks my fucking heart. I know she doesn’t want to go to a hospital. They would figure out what this is about faster than anything, especially with Aaron there.
Aaron would tell the doctors that his sister is depressed and now “she’s doing this.” Maybe that would be the right thing to do. Perhaps even the only thing we should be doing. But I can’t betray Lily like that. Can I?
But what if her condition has nothing to do with her mental health? What if this is some kind of other illness that has not yet been diagnosed?
“She doesn’t like hospitals,” I inform Aaron. Not sure if that’s a lie or not. “She’s afraid of them. You can’t do that to her.”
“Are you kidding me?” He laughs, once. “Fucking look at her!” I regret calling for his help.
I am looking at her.
I can’t blame Aaron for freaking out on me. This is his sister. She looks pale. Emotionless. Dead. She’s even as cold as a corpse. But I know she’s alive. She is breathing, and she can hear us talking, I suppose.
“Carter, she can’t die on me,” Aaron says, his voice breaking. It’s barely even a whisper anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him speak with so much pain in his voice.
He takes a seat on the bed, right next to Lily. Looking down at her pale face, he brushes a few stands of hair out of it, tugging them behind her ear.
I’m filled with guilt. Aaron should know about Lily’s plans. He should know she’s not doing alright at all.
“She can’t die, Colin,” he repeats. “I’ve never been the best brother, but she’s all I have left from my mother. And even if that weren’t a reason, she’s the other half of me. If she dies, I don’t think I could get through this.”
For some reasons, I know exactly how he feels. I felt the same when Aiden died. Or when I had to learn that my sister is dying. I didn’t want to accept it. I felt as though the whole world was crashing down on me.
I still feel like that sometimes. But Lily makes it better.
“She’s not dying.”
“She looks dead.” Normally I would hit him for saying that, but she does look exhausted. I think dead fits it pretty well.
Though I’m not sure what the hell is happening to Lily, I feel like she just needs some rest. She did say she was exhausted. I didn’t think it would ever get to this point of exhaustion, but what do I know?
“I’m calling an ambulance.” Aaron is about to get up from the bed when Lily wraps her hand around his wrist. She shakes her head when he looks at her. It’s so weak—she is so weak. “Lily…” before he gets to finish his sentence, Lily’s eyes fall shut.
Another wave of panic comes over me. With her eyes no longer open, it’s way harder to figure out if she’s here with us. The only source Aaron and I have is her breathing, the way her chest lifts and falls with every single breath she takes.
“Colin,” Aaron speaks, “it did happen before. She was fourteen then. It was the scariest day of my life.” His eyes remain on Lily, and yet I can tell he’s serious. “At least I think that’s what it is.”
“How did…this come to an end?”
“I’m not sure. Our father sent me to Ana. An hour later he came back from my room—where he kept Lily. He told me she’ll be fine and that she’s just in shock.” Shock?
Suddenly I’m wondering if I’m the cause of her unconsciousness—or what I told her about Aiden.
“I’ll call my father. Will you stay with her?”
“I wouldn’t move one bit, Ron.”
The second Aaron walks out of the room, I’m next to Lily again, holding her hand in mine. She’s not opening her eyes, doesn’t even react one bit to my touch.
For my own sanity I’m telling myself that she’s asleep. I keep telling myself that she’s alright. She’s just exhausted, needs a good, refreshing and long sleep.
I’m not sure how much time passes until Aaron comes back. He’s still on the phone, talking to his father. At least Aaron looks…relieved?
“I’ll put you on speaker, dad. Lily’s asleep, as far as I can tell.” Removing the phone from his ear, Aaron presses the speaker button. “Colin is here as well.”
“Colin?” Emerson’s voice comes through the phone. “What did you do to my daughter?”
A bit startled, I answer, “Nothing. We were puzzling and then—’
“I’m kidding, son.” A slight chuckle comes through. “Lily will be alright,” he reassures…me, I think? “It’s a temporary reaction caused by anxiety. Just, at least one of you, stay with her for a little while so she’s not alone. Let her sleep it off. And don’t let her attend classes tomorrow. I think she should take a day off to calm down.”
“Dad, I don’t think either of us is going to leave her,” Aaron responses with no hesitation whatsoever.
“Good,” Emerson says, sighing. “If either of you boys hurts my Lily…”
“Dad, have I ever intentionally hurt Lily?”
“You best believe you did.”
With a dropped jaw, Aaron’s eyes meet mine like he expects me to disagree.
“And Colin? I didn’t get to threaten you yesterday, but I think you might have a second for me to do so, am I right?” I’m not even sure that’s a real question at this point.
With Aaron’s eyes still on me, I say, “Sure, go ahead.”
Emerson snickers, kind of like he wasn’t expecting me to let him.
I used to be so rude at all times, not to him but almost to everyone else. I never would have let anyone tell me anything.
But I guess ever since Lily came along, it all just doesn’t matter anymore. Suddenly some father threatening me seems about right.
-♡–
“What are you doing here?” Grey asks when I storm into his bedroom only an hour after Emerson Marsh threatened to murder me if I let anything happen to his precious daughter. I would’ve gotten here earlier but I needed to get Sergeant Froggo from Lily’s dorm room and give it to her.
Not going to lie, I was about to tell Emerson that I would protect Lily with all that I have. But I’m not going to risk this family hating me any more than they will—that is if Lily will die.
Once they figure out, I knew about it, and I didn’t open my mouth…even Aaron will hate me.
“We need to talk,” I tell Grey. Yes, I did come back here for advice. Grey is the safest person to speak to. “Like, in private. It’s important.”
It’s not that I don’t trust Aaron. I would give my life for my best friend. But Grey is easier to talk to. He has a clearer head. Doesn’t judge. Come to think it’s good that he’s a psych major.
And Miles…well, he has plenty to deal with of his own. No need for me to add more to it.
“You do see Izan here, right?” Grey asks, chuckling.
I nod. “It’s about Lily. I wouldn’t come and interrupt if it weren’t important, Grey. I guess it could wait another day, but then, I really don’t have much time left.”
Izan’s attention is suddenly on me. I don’t know him very well, but what I do know is that his mother is a shrink. Maybe letting him hear all this isn’t too much of a good idea.
“Is it life-threatening?”
Is it? I chuckle to myself. “I’d say so, yes.”
“I’ll leave,” Izan says and gets up from the bed.
“I’m really sorry, Izan. I promise I’ll cook for you on, I don’t know, Saturday?”
That earns me, not only one, but two snorts. “I’ll hold you up for it once you’ve learned how to cook.” He walks over to kiss Grey goodbye, and then I watch him leave, closing the door behind him.
Once the door is closed, I climb onto Grey’s bed—like we’re some teenage girls at a slumber party, about to reveal some deep dark secrets.
He laughs and lifts the blanket, offering me to slip underneath. And since it’s already given, I do.
“You’re so weird sometimes,” Grey laughs, shaking his head.
“That’s alright with me,” I say. “I need momma Grey for a moment.”
“Oh, that serious, huh?” All of his amusement gone.
As much as I hate that I left Lily back at home with Aaron, I really need some advice. And since she’s asleep, I might as well go and get it now.
“It’s about Lily.” Okay, this is harder than I thought it would be.
“Look, you only know each other for a little while. Maybe you shouldn’t propose yet. I know you’ve never been in love but—”
I cut him off before this gets silly. “She wants to die.”
Grey inhales sharply, blinking a couple of times, waiting for me to say that I’m kidding. I wish I was. But unfortunately, it’s the truth.
It does feel good to say it though. It feels good to finally tell someone about that one thing that has been killing me for nine days now.
“Colin, I will need more information than that.”
I know he does, but it’s really difficult to speak about her when I promised I wouldn’t say a word to anyone.
“I’ve known for a while…” and then I tell him everything. I tell him what I’ve read in her notebook when I found it. I tell him the reason why I needed to give it back to her so desperately. Why I’m actually spending nine days showing her “the world”—that not being bet reasons. Why I can’t let her live on her own right now. How I promised her I wouldn’t say a word. As well as the reason why I need her to stay alive.
“Well, fuck.” He’s in shock, still processing all the information I’ve just given him. I wish I could say this feeling of shock will get lighter. But it won’t. Not for me anyway.
I bob my head, agreeing to whatever he cussed at.
“You need to tell Aaron.”
“I can’t, Grey.” Desperation rushes through my body. That’s why I came to talk to you. “I promised I wouldn’t.”
“So you’re going to see what happens?” Even though Grey doesn’t know Lily very well—or at all really—he seems to be concerned for her. “You have what? three days left? You said she’s in some kind of shock right now, what the hell do you think will change?”
And there is it. One question I have no answer to.
What am I expecting to change? I can’t just magically erase suicidal thoughts from someone’s mind. No matter how much time I spend with her. No matter what I’m showing her, how much fun she might have. I can’t heal her.
Lily needs to want to be alive. If she doesn’t want to be alive, there is no way I could ever keep her.
“You’re not a therapist, Colin. You can’t fix her. No one can fix her. You can’t just take her on some fun dates and expect her to feel alive. Not to the point where she magically wants to be alive.”
I guess he is right. What was I thinking?
“She’s depressed. Lily is suicidal. Get her the goddamn help she needs. She might not want it, hell, she might hate you for betraying her. But what would you rather be the outcome? The girl you so clearly adore and obsess over being dead, or her getting better thanks to professional help?”
“I can’t have her hate me, Grey.”
He sighs and puts his hand on mine. I really do feel like some teenager talking to his mother about his first love and some broken hearts. It’s ridiculous, really. I wish this was about some heartbreak and not Lily’s death.
“She will hate you,” he says, straight forward, no soothingly removing the band-aid. “But she will get the help she needs. She might even start to realize you’ve done it for her own good. And then, if you’re lucky, maybe she won’t hate you as much as you might think.”
“Lily would cut me off completely,” I say, feeling my throat clog up. I feel like I can’t breathe, but I know air is getting into my lungs.
“She might. But at least she would be alive.”
“It’s not that easy, Grey.” I know Grey is right. I know I should get her help. It doesn’t matter that Lily will hate me for getting her help, she needs it. Getting help for Lily is more important than avoiding her hatred. She would be alive…but she would hate me.
I want her alive, but I also want her to like me.
