“if I can’t be close to you, I’ll settle for the ghost of you”—Ghost by Justin Bieber
Lily
Hours passed since Colin told me about Aiden. I’m still in shock. But it all makes sense now.
It makes sense why Colin keeps sticking around.
He doesn’t want to help me out of this hole of darkness for my sake, but because he thinks it might cleanse his soul. That it might cleanse his subconscious for letting his brother commit suicide when he could have prevented it.
Forgive me, Aiden. It makes sense now.
I still don’t think Colin could have kept Aiden from committing. I understand he might feel guilty for not opening his mouth about it, for not taking his brother’s words more seriously.
But this is just one more reason why Colin should not be sticking around me much longer.
He will fail again.
He will feel like he failed me, Aiden, himself all over again when I die.
I can’t allow Colin to destroy himself like that. I can’t keep being around him, allow him to show me a good time.
I don’t want to see Colin hurting. And he will get hurt.
Yet at the same time, I can’t stay away from him. I want him around at all times. I want to be with him, be in his presence. I want to talk to him all day long, even when I don’t have the strength to speak anymore.
With Colin, I don’t even have to speak. He’s great at creating this comfortable silence to give me space. The most comfortable silence I have ever experienced.
And he makes me feel safe. He makes me feel good, gives me hope again.
Regardless, it won’t last. The happiness, the feeling of safety…it won’t last. He won’t stick around for forever. He will leave as soon as he successfully convinced me to stay alive.
And yet I am thinking what if not? What if he will stay? What if all those kisses he’s given me recently could be more than just…kisses? What if there could be more to us, and we never got to explore it because I died?
Fuck you, Colin. Fuck you for fucking with my head.
“Mi sol,” Colin’s voice comes through to me, so gentle and sweet, it causes my heart to melt. “The puzzle’s not done yet.” Right.
I also still have no idea what my new nickname means. He could be insulting me for all I know.
Honestly, I tried to translate it using a translator app…only to realize I would have to know how to spell it. So that backfired.
“Why did you want me to stay here?” I find myself asking, all the while looking through tons of green puzzle pieces.
“Had to keep an eye on you.”
“I would have been good at the dorms.”
“No, you wouldn’t have been, Lilybug.” He sighs heavily. “At least here I can look out for you. I can make sure you’re not hurting yourself. And I get to kiss you all the time, so that’s a bonus as well.”
“You can stop doing that. The kissing, I mean.” Please don’t.
“No can do, mi sol. I’m addicted.” Colin falls back against the sofa, holding his hand to his heart. He’s looking at me with those mesmerizing blue eyes with nothing but happiness in them. There is a warmth in his eyes, one I couldn’t put a label on if my life depended on it.
And then, like just thinking about my lips goes off like a bomb in his mind, Colin sits back up and pulls me in. His hands on my jaw, cupping my face as his lips press to mine.
It’s nothing heated. No tongue. No lust. But it’s sweet, sensual, loving. It’s passionate, yet soft and gentle.
His kisses feel like feathers, but they weigh so much more.
His kisses warm up my chest, making my stomach fill with dragonflies. It’s the best, yet also worst feeling in the world.
The best because I love feeling his lips on mine. I love feeling of yellow it brings to my body. I love the effect it has on my heart, even if it scares me. It feels natural. It feels like this is supposed to be. It feels right.
The worst because it scares me. His kisses scare me. I get lost in them. They’re captivating. Mesmerizing. They’re powerful, strong. He’s got me hooked, making me lose all of my self-control.
And just like that, like my body is being controlled by a switch, I no longer have the strength to even puzzle.
Once the thought of Colin being heartbroken over my loss—not because he lost me but because he failed again—settles in and the anxiety I get from his kisses…I’m no longer even remotely strong enough to do a simple task.
I can feel my heart breaking. I can feel the strength leaving my body. I can feel the emptiness creep up on me once again.
My hands begin to shake, dropping the puzzle piece I used to hold between my fingers.
Everything turns gray. The puzzle no longer has color to it. It’s now gray and empty. Colin’s blue eyes, the ones I’ve learned to love, they’re gray and empty. His cheeks no longer having a slight touch of pink to them. No, he’s pale. He’s as dull as my world. Everything is painted gray. Like an old—mute—black and white movie.
“Lily?” I can see his mouth moving, but I don’t hear a sound. He repeats it, again and again. But I don’t hear him.
His hands take mine. His heat rolls over my hands, spreading through my body. He’s warming me. His touch is comforting. But it’s not repainting my world with colors.
It stays gray. Everything stays gray.
“What’s happening?” His voice is muffled. He is so far away. So endlessly far gone. And yet I see him sitting in front of me. His face so pale, so lifeless, so worried. He is worried.
He speaks again but I can’t hear it. He is taking my face in his hands again, forcing my eyes to look into his. I am looking at you, Colin.
I can feel his touch. I can feel every part of my body his hands come in contact with. It’s stinging. Burning. Everything is burning.
My heart is hurting. It’s hurting so much. Why does everything always have to be so painful?
“Lily.” I still hear no sounds, only muffles. It’s so quiet. But he speaks. I can feel my name roll over his lips. I can feel everything. Feel his worry, his angst. I feel his hands shake when they’re touching me. I feel his eyes on me. I feel his breath on my skin when he moves his face closer to mine.
