“hearts break and hell’s a place that everyone knows”—Don’t Be so Hard on Yourself by Jess Glynne
Colin
I’m not quite sure how I’ve noticed that Lily isn’t asleep, but I did.
We both went to sleep shortly after we came back from the bathroom, and now I’m pretending to be asleep while Lily is writing something into her notebook.
She’s crying, and that’s the only reason why I don’t take that notebook away from her so she’d go back to sleep. Maybe she needs to write her feelings down on paper to cope. Or maybe not. But she certainly wants to write something into it, so who am I to keep her from it?
It also takes all of my will power not to wrap my arms around her right now.
All I want to do is press her against my body and hug the pain out of hers. But I can’t. Not because a simple hug won’t put her back together anyway, but because I think crying is good. As much as it wounds me, I think she needs to cry sometimes.
I think it might make her feel a little less heavy in her chest.
At least now that’s she’s busy writing, it gives me another look into her thoughts. She’s still right next to me, allowing me a great view onto the pages.
I know I shouldn’t look, shouldn’t read what’s going on in her head. But how else am I supposed to figure out what’s happening?
So I read.
Dear whoever reads this,
I’m a mess.
A complete goddamn mess.
It’s Sunday, October 3rd—5:30 in the morning—and I am sitting on Colin Carter’s bed, crying, while he is sound asleep next to me.
This time it’s not about him. It’s all about me. My least favorite topic.
As soon as he fell asleep, I felt it all.
The pain.
The solitude.
The numbness.
I felt numbness.
How is that even possible? How can I feel something that’s not supposed to be felt, because…it’s numbness?
How do I feel my heart breaking, and yet I feel nothing at all?
My mother wants me dead.
I knew she disliked me for a while now. But never did I think she would tell me to go and die. I thought, maybe she hates me, but she’s my mother, she must still love me.
I was wrong. So awfully wrong.
And it hurts. It hurts so much more than I thought it would.
I’ve been wanting to die for quite a while. Turns out she wanted the same ending for me.
It’s one thing when you want to die, but another when your own mother wants you dead.
But aside from my mother’s wish for me to be dead…it’s Sunday.
I loathe Sundays.
And yet today, I will have to plaster a smile onto my face and pretend I have fun all day long.
Maybe I will have fun. I always do with Colin. For some reasons, he affects me like that.
He makes me smile randomly. He makes me forget my pain.
But then he’s not with me and I feel it all again.
Today will be torture.
I used to hate Saturdays just as much. You know why?
September 24th, 2005, the day my parents decided they’d get a divorce. It was Saturday. The worst day of my life.
It’s the day my mother pushed Aaron out of her life forever. The day my mother took my brother from me.
My parents’ announcement to get a divorce was only half as bad. But what followed was the worst.
Ever since then…my depression got and still gets the better of me with every new day.
I was born with a genetic makeup, prone to depression. My parents knew that. And they’ve done everything to prevent it from developing.
At least until they split up and made all my happiness go away.
The doctors said it’s possible that I’d never end up developing a mood disorder such a depression. But I did.
Because my mother tore my family apart.
And now she wants me dead. And I want me dead as well.
If it weren’t for Colin, I’d probably be hiding in my dorm room right about now. I wouldn’t have set one foot out the door, wouldn’t have done anything but look at my ceiling and wish for the days to pass faster.
That’s what I used to do a lot.
Spend time on my floor, looking at the ceiling for hours on end. The only other occupation was the music streaming into my eardrums. So loud, it probably could have led to hearing problems.
I really don’t feel like going out today. But I will. For Colin.
Because seeing him smile warms my heart. And seeing him happy…it makes me happy.
I think he doesn’t notice me watching him when he watches me.
Like on day one. When he was watching me instead of the sunrise.
I felt his eyes on my skin. It prickled everywhere.
He wanted to watch the sunrise and ended up watching me. It was one of the most magical sunrises I’ve ever seen, and yet I couldn’t concentrate because his eyes were on me.
And when I screamed my lungs out, he didn’t seem to find that weird. He didn’t seem to be less intrigued to spend more time with me.
He watched me, filmed me for our project—whatever that is about—and smiled when I turned around to look at him.
He. Smiled.
He smiled like he just knew I felt lighter.
God, please someone press my off button. I need to stop writing all about Colin.
This is my unalive journey 101. Not a “Colin Carter is such a great and freakishly hot guy” fan book.
And now that I’ve mentioned him, I might as well add another thing.
He is a nosy pain in the ass. Thinking I don’t know he’s awake and reads this right now.
Lily
I can’t hold back my chuckle for that last sentence. “You think I’m hot,” I note, now being able to speak since she obviously knows I’m awake.
“You know you are,” is all I get in return.
“But freakishly hot?” I take Lily’s notebook from her, not to read more pages, but to put it away. She tries to protest, until I have it in my hands. She stops trying to reach for it, kind of like she knows she doesn’t stand a chance. “Today’s going to be a rainy day.”
“Seriously?” She chuckles. “You’re talking about the weather to me?”
Yes, because the only other thing on my mind would be her tears and how I’m supposed to get rid of them.
I nod and pull Lily closer to me. “We’re staying home today.”
A quiet gasp leaves her throat. She stiffens up when she tries to come up with a reason as to why I wouldn’t just take her somewhere indoors.
Which would be a great question, if she asked.
After reading what she’d written, how she’s too exhausted to leave the house…I figured it might be the best to stay home—just the two of us—for a day.
I’m glad she’s not asking. Telling her I want to stay home because she feels too exhausted to go—That feels like the wrong thing to say.
“Nothing planned?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at me. I don’t think she’s trying to come off as annoyed. I think she’s trying to look into my eyes through the dark. I mean, it’s not too dark, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to read her notebook entry.
“Before you agreed on these nine days, you said you’d need a day off…so this is it. It’s going to rain all day and it’s Sunday. You hate Sundays. So might as well spend it here and puzzle.” If Lily was anyone but her, I’d probably had forgotten this minor information already. But for some reasons my brain just saves anything that has to do with Lily.
“Puzzle?” Her forehead creases—I think.
“Yup.”
“Why?”
“Don’t tell me you don’t like puzzling, Lilybug.” I pretend to be offended by that. “I have this amazing frog puzzle, you know.”
“A frog puzzle?” She shifts, rolling right on top of me. Not that I care. “You do know I’m not into frogs, right?”
A shocked gasp comes from the depth of my throat. “You aren’t?” Lily shakes her head. “Well, then why did I get you a frog keychain if you don’t even like them? You’re totally digging frogs.”
“Colin,” she laughs, “You got it for me. I didn’t ask for it.”
“You had Sergeant Froggo and many others before I got you the mini version of him. By the way, we need a better name for him.”
“Kermit,” says Lily with no hesitation.
“Still too boring, Lilybug. And I’m talking about Corporal Froggo.” A few seconds of silence falls between us. “That’s it: Corporal Froggo.”
“I thought Sergeant?”
“God dammit, Lilybug. We’re talking about the mini Froggo. You’ve got to pay more attention to me.” I stroke my hand from the small of her back deeper down, resting them right on her butt. She doesn’t tell me to remove it, so I keep it there, giving her butt a slight squeeze.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” My eyebrows rise. “More attention from me,” she declares, tilting her head up just enough for her lips to collide with mine…almost. She’s not kissing me, not even touching my lips with hers, but she’s awfully close.
“Hmm.” I slide my hand up enough to trace along the outline of her panties.
Lily isn’t wearing any pants, only underwear and a shirt of mine. And I don’t think I ever want her wearing anything else ever again—when it’s just Lily and me, that is.
I can feel her breathing hitch when one of my fingers slides beneath the fabric, pulling on it before letting it snap back into place.
“Can I ask you something?”
She rolls her eyes. “Like you wouldn’t, even if I said no.”
“Okay, it might be a bit too deep given how early it is…but, how come you’re good to have sex? I mean, I always kind of thought people with depression don’t feel the desire to get intimate.”
Her eyes widen instantly. I’m even sure Lily has a slight blush to her cheeks. It’s adorable, the tint to her cheeks, I mean.
“Well, it’s not the same for everyone. It sure can affect one person but the other doesn’t have to show this kind of symptom. Depression in men, for instance, a sign could be self-medicating with sex and alcohol,” she explains roughly. Though, I think I understand anyway.
“And to be fair, I didn’t have the desire to sleep with anyone before you came along and were all kissy with me.”
“I wasn’t all kissy with you. I kissed your breath away,” I object. “It was hot and steamy, and the best kiss you’ve ever experienced.”
“It wasn’t bad. But whatever helps you sleep at night.” I swear, if she keeps downgrading our first—real—kiss, she might hurt my ego. “Anyway, Grandpa, you think we could actually have fun today with all the puzzling you’ve planned?”
“Depends. Will that include a great breakfast together?” I ask in all seriousness.
“You’re hungry?” I nod, about to ask her if she’s hungry when she gets off of me and stands up on her feet. “What do you want?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll make breakfast. It’s the least I can do for you letting me stay here.”
“Lilybug, you had no other choice. I wasn’t letting you stay at your dorm with all the shit going on. Even if you were to protest, you would still be here right now,” I remind her. “You didn’t ask to stay here, I made you.”
She lifts her shoulders, shrugging. “You’re fine with pancakes?”
“I would eat anything you made, simply because you made it.”
“It could taste disgusting.” Her eyebrows lift, a smile tugging at her lips. “Maybe you’re allergic. Speaking of allergies, do you have any?”
“Coconut, why?”
“Interesting,” she says, rubbing her chin like she is coming up with a plan to kill me. “I happen to have this amazing shower gel. It’s tropical. I think it’s coconut scented.”
“You think?” I laugh, now being sure she is trying to murder me. “I’ve never smelled it on you before then.”
“That’s cause I didn’t buy it yet. But I will.”
“So you do want me dead, huh?”
She shrugs again, but this time she walks out of my room right after, leaving the door open.
I can hear her talk as she walks down the stairs, but I can’t quite make out what she’s saying.
I feel the sudden urge to check out who she’s talking to.
Doubting it’s Aaron, I get up from my bed, throwing on some sweatpants that I find in the depth of my closet and follow Lily downstairs.
“Good morning, Princess,” Grey greets me as I come down the stairs. He’s sitting at the kitchen island, holding some sports magazine in his hands. He’s not even reading the damn thing.
“What are you doing here, Grey?” I ask like I wouldn’t already know the answer.
“Grabbing something to eat, like I do every morning.” His eyes move over to Lily, standing by the refrigerator, looking through it. “Turns out I’ll be getting it served today.”
And so suddenly another déjà vu pops up. Lily, half naked in my kitchen. At least this time it’s not Miles gawking at her. Grey doesn’t care one bit about Lily, and he’d never have any intentions getting into her pants. So I’m not worried about that.
“Where’s Miles?” I find myself asking. I mean, I have to be sure he won’t march in here and drool all over Lily’s perfect ass.
Taking a seat right next to Grey, I rest my elbows on the island top and hold my head up with my hands, watching Lily.
“He’s not in New City. Kya, Izan’s sister, bumped into him last night and I think they drove down to New York half an hour later. They also had some other girl with them,” Grey says, chuckling. Man, this guy knows exactly why I’ve been asking. He knows I wouldn’t care one bit if Miles was around or not—if it weren’t for my half naked girlfriend in the kitchen.
She’s not your girlfriend, Colin.
“Kya is Izan’s sister?” Lily turns around, her mouth wide open.
“Very much so. She’s a year younger, so it’s quite a miracle that Miles wanted to tag along with her.”
“I thought she’s a senior.” Lily turns back around and starts to mix up some ingredients that end up being a pancake batter.
“She is,” Grey confirms, “I think she skipped sophomore year in high school.”
“Seriously? I wish I was that smart.”
I snicker but try to cover it with a cough. Lily notices it anyway and shoots me her own perfectionated death-glare.
“Why wouldn’t Miles go for younger girls?”
Grey and I sigh both at the same time. “He says he’s afraid they might be too immature,” I tell her, though that’s not the truth.
To that Lily says Miles is the immature one. Grey and I both neither agree nor disagree.
Even though Miles is Grey’s best friend, Grey knows how much of a pain in the ass our teammate can be. He experiences Miles’s more-or-less immaturity more often than anyone else does, given that they’ve been sharing a house for three years.
Grey’s words speak volume when it comes to Miles.
But to be fair, Miles was thrown into being an adult instead of maturing into one.
“According to Miles, every woman that’s younger than him wants nothing but a diamond ring and his babies before they’d even gotten to know the other one.” Grey looks at me, eyes narrowing as if to say I shall go along with it. “Or something like that,” he mumbles, but Lily hears it.
“Maybe he’s bonding with Kya to get your man, Grey.” Lily turns to him, cocking her eyebrows with a devilish smile on her lips. “I mean, Izan would definitely be Miles’s type.”
Grey laughs, shaking his head. “Wouldn’t even be surprised.”
“However, I don’t think Miles would be Izan’s type. Izan has way better taste.” Lily’s voice is soft, sweet. I love when she speaks…if it’s not about some other guy, that is.
Grey’s laughter grows more hysterical and Lily joins in. I have no idea what is happening, but I don’t like where this is going. Not at fucking all.
“I thought you’d have better taste than sir moody here, darling,” Grey utters, speaking of me like I’m not even here.
I growl quietly, mentally planning how I’m going to murder him later tonight without getting caught. I’m sure Lily knows some ways. She seems like one of those girls listening to True Crime podcasts while getting ready for the day.
Grey sighs. “I doubt he left to actually get to know Kya though. He’s most likely visiting Brooklyn. Kya was probably just driving him.”
The sound of her name makes me wince. We don’t talk about Brooke. Not to anyone but us.
“I heard that name before…Who is Brooklyn or Brooke and why wouldn’t Miles drive himself?” Lily asks. Of course she would ask who Brooklyn is.
Grey shrugs, his eyes on mine like he knows he just fucked up. He did. “Miles had a beer or two. He doesn’t drive with any alcohol intake. Not even half a beer, or just the teeniest sip.”
Lily nods then turns over to me to get the rest of her question answered. I can’t look at her. If I do, I’ll spill things out like throwing up my guts after a drink too much.
I look at Grey in defeat. He shouldn’t have fucking mentioned Brooklyn.
This is a test on his part, isn’t it? Like “Would this dumbass keep quiet even when he’s falling for a girl he’s not supposed to fall for, and she is asking questions?”
No. No I would not keep quiet.
Grey looks at me with a warning in his eyes, but I ignore it. “Brooklyn is Miles’s daughter.”
Lily gasps, her eyes widen drastically. “Daughter?”
I nod. “She’s four years old. They faced a few complications during Millie’s C-section that had her end up in a coma. Millie died a couple days later.”
Grey’s eyes close as he takes a deep breath.
“Millie Scott?” Lily asks. I nod, though I do wonder how she knows her. “Seriously? She promised me she’d come to Trewery once we finished high school. She didn’t even attend classes the last few months of it. Her mother told me she decided against college. I always wondered why her mother reached out to me and not Millie herself.”
That’s what everyone thinks. Neither her family nor Miles wanted the school, or anyone, to know as they all wanted to grief in peace. And since Millie didn’t want anyone knowing she got pregnant at the age of seventeen, she stopped going to school. At least that’s what Miles had told us.
“So where does Brooklyn stay when Miles is here all day?”
Grey licks his lips then says, “She’s usually with Maeve, Miles’s older sister, but stays here on the weekends. I told Miles I don’t mind Brooke staying with us all week, but as he’s still in college and plays hockey, he figured it was better for her. He also doesn’t want to force her to his classes.”
We all still believe Brooke would much rather be with her father, but it’s his decision to make, not ours.
“You can’t tell anyone, Lily,” Grey says, the same look of seriousness he gave me before back on his face. “The only people knowing of Brooklyn is the team.” And I suppose Kya, now that Miles allegedly took her to see Brooklyn.
I always wondered what I would have done if I was in Miles’s position. What I would have done if the woman I loved died a couple days after giving birth to our child.
How Miles managed to somehow live through the death of his child’s mother, and handle to be a single father at the age of eighteen…I will never understand.
And to make matters worse, Brooklyn looks so much like her mother.
“Princess, you’re not getting your girl off enough.” He taps his hand onto my back.
“Huh?” I’m not quite sure what I’ve missed and I’m also not sure I want to be enlightened either.
“That’s not the problem, Grey.” Lily sighs, setting down a plate right in front of him. “Colin is just…too extra.”
“Excuse me?”
She ignores me. “He doesn’t even know what he’s doing.”
Watching as Grey takes a bite from the strawberry-banana-pancake, snickering. I almost lose my temper. What the hell is going on?
Swallowing, Grey says, “I mean…did you look at him?” His head turns, facing me.
“I’m fucking gorgeous, thank you very much.”
When Lily sets another plate down on the table—this time meant for me—I grab her wrist in my hand and pull her around the island. She ends up standing between my legs, facing me. She might be a bit surprised, but she’s not complaining.
“Mi sol, you’re going to have to enlighten me.” Brushing my nose along her neck, I feel her shiver under my touch. Not a cold-shiver, a goosebumps kind of shiver. “What were you talking about?”
With my hands on her waist, I push her a tad closer to me, brushing my lips against hers. It’s so natural. So wanted. So needed.
“You guys are bullshitting yourselves,” Grey utters, fake gagging. Shooting Grey a stern and bewildered look, he cares to explain himself before I have to ask. “You may be able to fool Aaron into thinking you guys are a thing, but you can’t fool me.” A dirty snicker comes from deep within his throat.
“I told you,” Lily says, hitting her palm to my chest.
Knowing Grey—and judging by the nasty grin on his lips—I know he knows better than to open his mouth about it. Especially because I know that he knows more about my feelings toward Lily than she does.
“Why’s she staying here, Princess?”
For a moment I’m debating on telling Grey the truth. The whole truth. Not in front of Lily, obviously, but when I get a moment with him alone.
Grey knows better than to run to Aaron and rat me out. He also isn’t the judgmental kind of guy. If anything, Grey would offer to help. Help me help her. He wouldn’t go behind my back and get Lily the help she clearly needs.
Though, I’m sure he would ask why I’m not going behind her back and do so myself.
And if I had to answer that question…I wouldn’t know what to tell him. Why aren’t I doing that? Why aren’t I dropping her off at some hospital, tell them what’s wrong and have them help me get her the help she needs?
Maybe because I feel like I’d be betraying her if I did?
“Sex,” I say, slipping my hands underneath the white shirt Lily is wearing. Grey cocks his head, his eyes boring into mine as if to call me out on even more of my bullshit. “I just want more time with her.”
“You have all the time you need, even if she’s not living with you.” If only you knew.
“I wanted to stay, actually,” Lily blurts out. I think she can sense my uncertainty. If she hadn’t opened her mouth and spoke for me, I think I would’ve told Grey the truth right here, right now.
Maybe I do need someone I can talk to about her. About this. About Lily’s situation. That person certainly can’t be Aaron.
“I have a few problems with Winter. She’s a pain in the ass sometimes. I’m sure you’ve heard of her. Aaron’s ex-girlfriend.” Grey nods. “Yeah, she’s a lot to take in. And we just had this big fight recently. I don’t want to be around her for a while.”
I’m fascinated how easily these lies roll over her tongue. Not only this one with Winter. Everything. Her pretending to be alright all day long, plastering smiles onto her face, faking happiness.
In desperate need to change the topic, I pick up where we left off. “Anyway, tell me what you were talking about.”
“You sat right here, didn’t you listen?”
I shake my head no. “I was too busy planning Grey’s murder, Lilybug.”
“Why?”
Grey’s eyes shoot toward me like he’d love to hear the answer. I’m sure he knows why, yet I tell Lily anyway. “He thinks I’m a bad guy.”
“I did not say that,” Grey defends himself. He did, though not using those exact words.
“You thought my Lilybug had better taste in men, meaning you think I either look bad, which we all know would be a lie, or I’m a bad person.”
Lily smiles softly, her eyes never leaving mine even when Grey speaks. “I said you’re moody.”
I don’t look away from her either. “I am not.” Not when Lily’s here. “I answered your question…now answer mine.”
“I told Grey we’re having a puzzle day.”
“And you think that makes me ‘too extra?’”
She snorts a laugh, shaking her head before pressing her lips to the corner of my mouth.
“No, but your bet to show her ‘the world’ in nine days does,” Grey answers for Lily when she wouldn’t.
I freeze, not knowing how to react. Did Lily tell Grey about her death wish? She didn’t, right? She wouldn’t do that.
A bet.
She said we were having a bet going.
God, how long was I in my head for, that I didn’t hear a word they said?
“I’m sure you can join us?” Lily says her invitation as a question. I don’t want anyone to be around us today. I told myself I would keep other people away from Lily for the day, and here I am failing before breakfast even really started.
“Maybe I’ll join in later. I have plans with Izan.” Grey winks at Lily, and for some reasons it makes my stomach turn. Get your shit together, Colin.
I shrug him off, turning my attention back to my girl just when she starts to yawn. Maybe she is more exhausted than I thought. Or maybe she just didn’t get enough sleep.
“You didn’t sleep much,” I note, brushing Lily’s hair out of her face. “If I recall correctly, not at all. What’s going on, sweetheart?”
Her cheeks flush like she’s embarrassed. Drawing my eyebrows together, I wait for an explanation that doesn’t seem to come.
I hold her face in place with my hands, having both my hands lie on her jawline, thumbs gently caressing her heated cheeks. “Talk to me, Lilybug.”
She sighs and proceeds to remain silent. It annoys me. Why wouldn’t she just tell me what’s going on? Is it because Grey is here? Insomnia maybe? But that wouldn’t be embarrassing, would it?
Her eyes wander over to Grey, but when she sees that he most likely doesn’t even care about her presence.
“I, uh”—once again her eyes drift over to Grey—“I can’t sleep without Kermit,” she admits. It’s adorable, and definitely nothing she should be embarrassed about. Now I’m wondering if Sergeant Froggo isn’t as new of a stuffed animal as I thought he was.
“You’re so cute, you know that?” My expression softens as a smile creeps onto my face. I plant a chaste kiss to her lips before whispering, “I’ll get him for you.”
What have I turned into?
Never in my life would I have gone to get a stuffed animal from a girl’s house just so she could sleep in peace—or at all.
What the hell are you doing to me, Lily?
Grey clears his throat and gets up from his seat. He takes his plate, thanks Lily for the pancakes he’s gotten and leaves the house. I suppose he figured he shouldn’t be around.
At least I’m alone with my Lilybug now.
“You really want to stay home all day?”
I nod, pulling her closer to me again. She had moved a bit while saying goodbye to Grey.
Only now do I notice that Lily smells like roses and sex. That brings a smile to my lips because I know exactly how that happened. I consider telling Lily about it, but I also don’t want to freak her out.
“What are your favorite flowers?” I ask, surprised by my sudden interested in it. I’ve never really cared about giving anyone flowers, and I don’t think I’ll get some for Lily, yet I’m still interested to hear her answer. Not sure if that’s because her name is Lily, and lilies are some type of flowers—and the fact I find it hilarious that she smells like a mix of roses and vanilla at all times—or if it’s just pure interest in general.
“You’re not getting me flowers.” Well, now I certainly have to.
“Wasn’t planning on. Just wondering.”
“Don’t laugh,” she says, holding out her pinky finger toward me. I give her a quick frown of confusion before eventually hooking my pinky to hers and pinky-promise not to laugh. “I think lilies.”
“You think?”
“I think I know so. I’m not sure. I don’t know a lot of flowers, I just know my name is a flower, and I know roses. I know of dandelions, though I’m not sure if they count as a flower or weeds. And sunflowers, of course.”
I chuckle, listening to her blabbing about different flower types for the next following ten minutes. Every now and then I get a bite from my now completely cold pancake, while also making sure she eats from it as well.
“What’s your favorite color?” I then ask.
Lily lifts her shoulders, shrugging. “Mint green, I guess.”
“Makes sense. I’ll get you a mint green frog.” I won’t, but I might do something really stupid anyway.
“Colin?” Her voice is so soft, loving. I think her voice is the sweetest of sounds I’ve ever heard. Seriously, just listening to Lily talk brightens my mood. “Tell me something I didn’t know.”
“Playing my game now, are we?” I chuckle, pulling her in for yet another kiss. Did I mention that I’m addicted to her lips?
Feeling Lily smile against my mouth, I slide my hands down to her ass, giving it a squeeze. She yelps, laughing, slapping my chest just once.
“I had an older brother,” I admit. I don’t think I’ve ever truly talked about him before. Never wanted to really. I didn’t even tell Aaron about Aiden. I’ve done well hiding my pain, hide the hole he’d left in my heart when he died.
But maybe it’s time for Lily to understand why I’m doing this, why I’m wanting her to stay alive. Though this might be a huge mistake to let her in. Maybe the biggest even.
“Had?” she repeats to me.
I bob my head slightly as a nod. “He died when I was nineteen. Around the time when Eira got diagnosed with leukemia.”
And then the fearful reaction I expected Lily’s face to take on happens. Her eyes fill up with so much pity and horror, it wounds my heart.
“You once asked why I’m doing this,” I recall, hoping she might remember her question. She nods. “I never answered your question.” Another nod. “I let him slip away, Lily.”
Her eyes widen, beautiful green eyes filled with nothing but horror. She takes a step back, or tries to. Fortunately, I still have my hands on her ass, so I can push her closer me again.
“Aiden couldn’t take it. He said he couldn’t watch Eira die, couldn’t have her be the first one of us to go down.” Lily stays quiet, listening only. I guess her mind is blocking me out, seeing me as nothing but a blur and some background music. But I started already, so I will continue. “He would leave hints, tell me how fucked up all this is. How weird it is that he’s the oldest and yet our younger sister is about to die from cancer.”
Lily shakes her head, not believing a word I just said. I can’t blame her, not even I wanted to believe it two years ago.
“But she survived. She’s all right, isn’t she?”
I nod. “But two years ago it all looked a lot like she wouldn’t make it. Doctors kept saying there’s nothing they could do. And as painful as it might have been to my entire family, it hit Aiden the hardest.” Looking away from Lily, I continue, “He has always been protective of Eira. And to think that his fourteen years old sister will die before him, he couldn’t take it, Lily.” I can feel old wounds reopen, tearing at the seams in my heart.
“He told me he wasn’t going to let her down like that. He kept telling me that he won’t let her be the first to die. I didn’t think he would go and kill himself, but he did.”
She gasps but still doesn’t comment on it.
“I could have prevented it. If only I had taken him more seriously. If I had told our parents what he told me. If I had spoken to him about it…anything. It doesn’t matter, but I know I could have prevented it if I had opened my mouth to my family. Yet I didn’t take him seriously enough.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“I did know. Tell me how ‘if one of us is going to die first, it is going to be me’ isn’t a clear indication.”
