“but if you never try, you’ll never know just what you’re worth”—Fix You by Coldplay
Colin
Lily doesn’t exchange a single word with me. Not at my parents’ house, not when I drive us back to campus.
I get that Lily doesn’t want saving. She made up her mind, but that’s just one more reason to let me try, right? She could spend her last days drowning in assignments and emotional pain, or she could give me a chance to make her last days bearable. I just want to try to bring a smile to her face.
Even when her world has been painted gray, she should never stop believing that there is more to life than pain and sorrow.
I’m sure she used to believe it, at least I hope she did, but clearly, she hadn’t gotten the chance to see it.
Eira always talks about how the universe will rip you out of your current life-adventure because you’re no longer needed. But in exchange for that it will give you another adventure to live through.
I never believed in all that. I never believed in the theory of a soul always staying and just wandering into other bodies to collect as much experience as possible.
Technically it makes sense because a body contains energy. And since energy doesn’t go lost, it’ll have to go somewhere after death, right?
Maybe this whole theory is more common to believe than I could imagine.
At least that would be one of the less horrible ways to think about death.
I think Lily wants that too, leave this life to start another life because she thinks what her current one has to offer is too much for her to take.
If we go with that theory, then Lily is forgetting something.
She would not have been put into this life, into her situation if the universe didn’t know she would be able to take it.
Lily needs to start believing in herself. But most importantly, she needs to see that beyond all the pain lies beauty.
Not one beautiful thing comes without a bad part. It’s what yin and yang taught us. Bad comes with good, and good comes with bad. It’s just a matter of time for the good to shine through, or the bad to fog up the place. Nothing ever comes for free, but nothing ever stays unrewarded either.
Lily is yin in this scenario. She is in the dark, fighting through pain. She can’t see that yang is about to come. She can’t see because her world is gray and fogged up.
So if there is a chance that I can be her light shining through the darkness, that I can be the yang to her yin, I have to try.
But I will not accept someone throwing their life away just like that. Not without trying to help.
Lily might not want my help. Hell, she might even think I’m crazy for caring. I know it’s not any of my business. But I can’t just let her go through with it. Someone needs to show her what she will miss out on.
I was lucky enough to never have to deal with anything Lily is dealing with. I will never understand what it is like to feel the way she does. What it is like to look forward to the day they die.
But I can try and give her a helping hand out of her misery.
I roll up at the dorm parking lots and turn off the engine from my car. Even if Lily doesn’t want to speak to me, there is no way I would let her be by herself today. Or any day until she agrees to my offer. Or at all for that matter.
“Unlock the door,” she demands, trying to get out. But I don’t. The doors stay locked. At least until she agrees. “For God’s sake, Colin. Open it.”
“Fourteen days, Lily. Give me fourteen days. That’s all I’m asking for.”
Lily lets out a heavy sigh and falls back into her seat. She doesn’t look at me, doesn’t speak either. She just stares ahead toward the building entrance in front of us.
She is fidgeting with her fingers. I’m assuming that means that she is getting either uncomfortable or nervous. I’ve seen her do the same back at my parents’ house whenever my mother asked her a deeper question.
“What do you have to lose?” I ask. “You want to die. So what does it matter if you give me two weeks to try and make you reconsider? Either I will convince you, or you will die. But when your mind stays the same, you at least had a good time before death.”
“Who says I would have a good time?” Her hands turn into fists. “I’m not the type to go big, Colin. I don’t have the energy to go out every single day. And besides, I gave myself two weeks left to live. That was four days ago.”
“Give me ten days then. I can work with that.”
Beautiful green eyes look back at me with something mad in them. Something that screams for me to leave her alone. But I can’t.
“I need my off days, Colin. Sometimes even just attending classes gets too much for me. Imagine what ten days of constant going out with someone I don’t even like would do to me,” she says. “That wouldn’t be a good time, it would be torture.”
“Give me nine days then. You will have an extra day to do all the drowning in self-sorrow on your last day.”
Lily looks out of the window, her head leaning against the glass as she lets out a heavy breath.
“I don’t even know you, Colin,” she says after a good minute of silence. “How would I know that you don’t want to murder me?”
“Well, if I did want to murder you, I don’t think you would be mad at me. After all, you want to die, don’t you?” That gets me an ironic chuckle, easing into a sweet, innocent laughter.
Lily has a beautiful laughter. Probably one of the most sincere and sweet laughs I have ever heard. It’s not too high-pitched, not too low, and it’s not fake either. When she laughs, then she does because it is genuine.
Sure, Lily fakes smiles, but who doesn’t? No matter how hard she tries with faking a smile, she can’t fake a genuine laughter.
And this was hers. Sweet and adorable.
“And besides, when you get on a plane, you don’t know the pilot either, yet you trust them with your life, don’t you?” She nods. “When you take the bus to go somewhere, you don’t know the driver, yet you place your life in their hands and hope you get to your destination without getting in an accident, right?” Another nod. “You don’t have to know me to trust me.”
“Colin,” she breathes out my name. “Why would you want to do this?”
“I even volunteer to make sure everyone gets their letter when you do end up dying,” I offer, ignoring her question. “Just give me those nine days, Lilybug. You have nothing to lose.”
“I have nine days of my time to lose,” she objects.
“Wrong,” I disagree with her objection. “You wouldn’t do anything but write in your suicide book—’
“I named it my unalive journey 101,” she corrects, interrupting me.
“Fine. You would only write in your unalive journey 101, stupid name by the way, and cry to some sleazy rom-com.”
“Wrong,” she mocks. “I would cry to dramas and eat pints of ice cream.”
“Same thing.”
Lily narrows her eyes at me. She takes a short moment to think before letting out a groan.
“Fine. You have nine days. Eight, because I count today as day one.”
“I can work with that.” I unlock the car and step out of it. Lily does the same.
In all honesty, I would have liked it if she’d let me open the door for her, but we’re taking it one step at a time.
Now I only need to find nine awesome things to do with Lily. That shouldn’t be too difficult.
I just hope my father doesn’t decide to add even more ice time to my schedule. If it were up to him, he would have the team at the arena from Mondays to Sundays during all of their free time. Luckily, the school says no to that.
I follow Lily into her dorm room. She isn’t too happy about me sticking around, but I also don’t really give a damn.
“What do you even want to do here?” Lily plops down onto her bed, frees some space for me by simply throwing books and papers onto the floor. “Sorry, no energy to tidy that up.”
Although she claims for her room to be a complete mess, it’s not too bad in here. Aside from the books and papers she just threw onto the floor. Or her desk that is crowded with brushes, makeup stuff and more books, and her chair that is overflowing with clothes.
I feel the urge to pick the stuff off the floor and lay them onto her desk, but I don’t want to upset Lily, so I don’t. Instead, I take a seat on her bed and make myself comfortable.
And with comfortable I mean, lie down with my head on her mountain of pillows. I rest the palms of my hands on the back of my head, and just relax.
Her bed is actually pretty damn cozy. I never thought the number of pillows and stuffed animals—mostly frogs—Lily owns would be anywhere near comfortable, but they are.
I might stay here forever.
“We have a film directing project to work on,” I remind her. “Told you about it.”
“Right. When is it due?” She picks up a notebook from the floor, then grabs a few pens from the nightstand and lays them on her bed.
“We should be done filming by October 7th. It has to be completely done, with cutting, voiceover et cetera by October 15th,” I let her know.
“Great, so I will still be alive for finishing the filming part. Sorry to dump the cutting and voiceover onto you.”
I did the math as well. Today is September 28th, that means ten days from today would be October 8th, meaning she will still be alive by October 7th to finish the filming.
I can work with that.
What she doesn’t know, I will cut the video while filming. I want it to be done for her to see still. Because what she is also not aware of, I picked the topic “Life and it’s beauty” for us.
I plan on filming her process. The process of Lily Heaven Reyes falling back in love with life. How she goes from misery to seeing the beautiful parts.
Perhaps it doesn’t exactly hit the topic I chose, but then again, it does.
Not one assignment sheet states that we can’t portray the bad and turn it into something beautiful. Not one sentence in the requirements or tips section for our project states that beauty is only within flowers and sunshine.
Beauty is also within the darkness. It’s within misery and solitude, even if it’s masked.
And I will not only show our film directing class that life’s beauty is found in everything, but I will also prove to Lily that there is beauty within her, and her life.
“Just let me do all the work. I’m a video production major after all. I just need you to be the actress, okay?”
“You are? Cause so am I.” She looks stunned for a second, but she shakes it off flawlessly a second later. “But if you do all the filming, what the hell am I doing? I can’t just act. I’m not an actress. And I am certainly not a drama major.”
“Just trust me on this one. You have no dialogue. Nothing to act out. I will just record you randomly throughout our nine days and maybe have you send me some voice notes for a voiceover.” She doesn’t seem convinced. It appears Lily doesn’t like sitting back, and she doesn’t like working on a partner project when the parties work isn’t equal.
“Lilybug, it’s just a video project. Nothing too heavy. And besides, you will be dead before this project is officially due. So relax, it’s not that deep.”
But it is. Because this project could either show that Lily Reyes fell in love with life again or lost the battle. Either way though, this video book will end with a moral to learn from. Which would check off point one from the assignment checklist.
-♡–
Lily and I are sitting on the couch in the living room when the front door suddenly opens, and a young woman tumbles into the room.
I pause the TV, not wanting to miss even a second of what’s playing. Lily made me watch Grey’s Anatomy with her. I’ve always hated this TV show. Not that there was ever a real reason behind my hatred. It’s a great show, but it’s just not for me. Or so I thought for the most part.
But now that Lily makes me watch it, I come to realize that I might actually like it.
“Lily, I am so sorry,” the redhead speaks as she walks into the living room. The living room is the first room that’s coming into view when opening the front door, but for some reasons, Lily’s roommate still takes a bit of time to find her way in.
“Jesus, Winter. Are you drunk?” Lily raises from the couch and walks over to Winter. So that’s Winter. “It’s 4 p.m., your classes just ended, how are you drunk?”
Winter starts to cry. I consider leaving. I shouldn’t be here when Lily’s best friend walks into their dorm, crying like someone just ripped her heart out. Maybe someone did.
Yeah, I definitely shouldn’t be here for that.
But I don’t want to leave Lily.
“Come here, sit down,” Lily says, leading Winter over to the couch where I’m still seated. I don’t dare moving. Truth be told, I am afraid I might get yelled at for being here. So if I don’t move, maybe Winter won’t see me. Yeah, right. Cause this is some action movie featuring dinosaurs.
“Aaron broke up with me,” Winter cries, falling right back against the couch as Lily sits her down.
“You weren’t even dating, Winter. He can’t break up with you when you’re not a couple.” Lily speaks in a soft tone not too sound as though she was making fun of her best friend.
I am most definitely not welcome here right now. I should leave.
Yet I stay seated.
“He said he loved someone else,” Winter speaks through gritted teeth. Suddenly, she sits up straight. Her attention is focused on Lily, so I assume she doesn’t even notice me. “We both know this someone is you.”
I don’t agree with random girls most of the time, but Winter does have a point. The way Aaron cares for Lily, there has to be something going on between them.
Aaron never insisted on giving anything back to any woman, unless it would get him some sex in return. He also never told me to keep my hands off someone unless he had a soft spot for her. So clearly, Aaron and Lily are hiding something.
But then why wouldn’t Aaron try and stop Lily from committing suicide? Does he even know Lily is suicidal?
“For the millionths time, Winter. Aaron and I are not dating. And to think you believe we are…it shows your trust in the both of us. I told you so, and I know Aaron did too.”
I finally decide to leave. This is a conversation they should have in private and not with me, the best friend of the guy in question, being around to hear their conversation.
As soon as I get up from the couch, a hand grabs mine. I turn around for a second as I did not expect anyone to try and keep me from leaving. But I’m even more surprised when I see that it’s Lily who is holding my hand.
She looks up at me with brooding eyes. Anxiety gleaming on her face. Her grip on my hand tightens.
Lily doesn’t want me to leave.
“Stay,” she mouths, followed by a pleading expression.
Certainly can’t say no to this.
“Oh my God.” Winter spots me right next to Lily. She is still holding onto my hand. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Now you’re cheating on Aaron!?”
“I am not. Jesus, Winter. You really think I am some kind of homewrecker, don’t you?” So much to best friends. I doubt a best friend should act like Winter does.
“I don’t, Lils,” Winter denies Lily’s assumption. “You’re my best friend. You know I would never think of you like that.”
“You just did.”
“I didn’t mean it.” She sure did though. “Why is Colin here then?”
“We’re friends,” I speak for Lily. “Friendships between boys and girls are a thing, you know.”
“Is this why you keep seeing Aaron? So you can see Colin?”
Lily’s eyes move from mine to Winter’s and back. “Yes,” she lies. “Aaron is helping me get close to Colin.” She lets out a quiet groan, rolling her eyes when Winter isn’t looking at her, because she is looking at me now.
“I totally got her to confess her feelings for you, Colin. Now you will have to confess yours too.”
“I didn’t hear any ‘I love you’s’ so that was not a confession,” I say, praying Winter will just drop it. This situation just got really awkward, and I have no idea where this is going to lead to when it doesn’t stop soon. “I can give you some advice, though, Winter.”
“That would be?” Of course that has her intrigued, looking at me with anticipation.
“Drop those feelings for Marsh. He is not into you. And I’m pretty sure he would have mentioned having feelings for Lily to me. He doesn’t have the time for commitment at the moment. Just leave it, move on and be happy.”
To my luck, I no longer have to participate in this conversation after that because my phone chimes. I wouldn’t care who texted me, because whoever did, they just saved my ass from girl-talk.
Aaron: Celebrating my birthday this Sat. so drop any other plans you might have, bro.
Speaking of the devil.
Colin: What makes you think I would drop my plans for you?
Aaron: We’re flying out to Vegas and get married, dude. No way you won’t attend your own wedding.
Sometimes I don’t understand this guy. He has the weirdest fantasies. I am honestly afraid to even question whatever he just texted. I don’t think I want it to make sense.
It doesn’t even matter. I do have plans this Saturday, and there is no way I would drop them.
I don’t think Lily would like to tag along to whatever Aaron is planning. There is no way in hell that Aaron didn’t plan something stupid. But I am certainly not going to let Lily be all by herself watching some boring rom-com all day and night long.
But I could ask her if she is doing anything, maybe that would solve things.
“Lily?” I say. She is in the middle of arguing with Winter. I wonder how I didn’t hear them. I am standing right beside them both, and yet I heard nothing.
“I am leaving!” Winter shouts as she storms off. “You’re the worst best friend ever!” What happened?
“Don’t get pregnant,” Lily yells after Winter.
Winter stops and looks back into the room. Shortly before she would shut the door behind her, she starts to laugh, flipping Lily off.
Unexpectedly for me, Winter comes running back toward Lily, hugs her and then disappears.
I don’t understand women. I don’t think there is ever going to be a time I will.
“You said my name,” Lily states. “My actual name. You didn’t call me Lilybug.”
“It’s weird for me too,” I admit, though, I know I did it before. “But Lilybug, I have a question.”
“And I suppose even if I don’t want you to ask, you will ask anyway.” She sits back down on the couch, pulling onto my arm so I would do the same.
She has a point. Even if she didn’t want to hear my question, I would ask. “What are you doing on Saturday?”
“You tell me. It falls into your nine days radar.” She shrugs like she truly thinks I am planning out her entire days now.
“Lilybug, I don’t make decisions for you. You can have plans. I will only ever take a couple of hours from your days. Mostly evenings because I have hockey practice. And believe it or not, I do have plans as well.”
“Alright. I planned on visiting my mom for a little while. Probably go see my dad, too, but that is unlikely.”
“Why would that be?”
“Why did you ask me what I was doing for my birthday, Colin?” She is dodging my question. But I’m okay with that.
There is no other way around this. “It’s Aaron’s birthday, so would you mind if I took you to his party with me?”
“I know it is.” She sighs heavily. “As your date?”
“Sweetheart, we’re basically a couple by now,” I utter. “You sure will be my date, Lilybug.”
“Aaron wouldn’t like that.”
But sweetheart, I don’t care what Aaron thinks, I want to voice, but instead I say, “I will talk to him.” She snorts in disbelief. “Here, I will shoot him a text right now.”
I hold my phone visible for Lily as I open the chat with Aaron, shooting him a text message.
Colin: Have plans to marry Lilybug instead. Can I bring her?
I figured Lily wouldn’t be too happy about the way I phrased it, but I did not think she would beat the hell out of me. But that is exactly what she is doing.
Lily slaps me. Once. Twice. I lose count of how many times her palms come into contact with my arm before I eventually stop her. I grab her wrists and hold her steady to the point where she can no longer slap me.
Her face is so close to mine, I can feel her hot breath roll off my skin. Her lips are so close, it would only take me a slight leaning forward to touch them with mine.
She stares into my eyes, then down to my lips. I smirk when I notice where her eyes keep wandering to.
But that’s when she snaps back to reality. “He will murder you, Carter,” Lily informs me. “And he will kill me right with you.”
“Aw, so you do want us to haunt earth together as spirits.” She rolls her eyes, yet a smile tugs at her lips. I think I’m growing on her. She certainly is growing on me.
Man, today is our first official day of hanging out together. The first day we’ve truly talked, exchanged more words than five and she’s already got me wrapped around her finger.
What the…?
“Fuck you, Colin.” Now if that’s not some invitation.
“I think we should get to know one another a little bit better first. But you could give me a kiss.”
Her jaw drops. I can tell she is trying to find words to say, but somehow can’t articulate herself properly. So she just stares at me in shock, blinking.
“The hell you get. I’m not kissing you, dumbass.” I guess she found her voice after all.
I can’t help my laughter that follows. She is too much fun.
The way her eyes are trying to express rage, but she is too confused by what I have just said is the most adorable view I have ever seen. No, the most adorable confusion I have ever witnessed.
Her nose scrunches up when she processes information she did not expect, that much I came to learn about her. And she is speechless a lot of times. Or maybe she just never expected me to tag alongside her, so that is why she has a hard time processing my words.
“Did you just give me a really cute-ass pet name?” I pout at her.
“I called you a dumbass.”
“Like I said, a cute-ass pet name.”
Lily shakes her head doubtfully, being speechless once again.
That’s a 1:0 for me, Lilybug.
Aaron: Fuck off, dude. I told you to stay away from Lily.
Looks like Aaron truly doesn’t want me hanging with Lily.
Should I listen to him? Totally.
Do I care? I certainly should.
Am I going to continue to speak to my Lilybug despite his demands, and risk my best friend chopping off my head for betraying the bro-code? Most definitely.
“I told you Aaron wouldn’t be too happy about it,” Miss know-it-all says. I forgot she could still look at my screen and read my texts.
“Maybe I would back off if I knew why he wants me to stay away. You two aren’t dating. The both of you made that pretty clear. Tell me what the deal is, Lilybug. Just so I can ogle you without feeling guilty.” All this is getting totally weird.
Not a single guy acts like this about their friend unless he thinks the dude wanting to be with the girl is a total dick. And even then, most guys don’t even really care. Unless there is a way deeper meaning behind all this.
“Tell me, Lilybug.” I give her the most hopeful and pleading eyes I could come up with. “Please.”
Aaron: You can bring her. But if I see you touching her just once, I will have to chop off your hands.
Doesn’t that just prove my point?
Lily’s silent treatment tells me that she won’t budge, so I will have to find another way to get the information out of her. “When did Aaron and you meet?”
“A long time ago.” Seriously?
“Alright. Who was your first boyfriend?”
“First grade, he was fictional. Just like every other guy. Why is that relevant?” She narrows her eyes at me. “Who was your first girlfriend, Colin?” Lily questions in return.
“I never had one.” I shrug. I’m not ashamed of it. I could have had some before, but I just didn’t want one.
None of the girls that were throwing themselves at me piqued my interest in that way. I sure did other things, but I never wanted to go any further with it.
I was kind of telling myself that I would know if she was the right one. Like, it would just click right away. We would get along right when we meet, and that would have nothing to do with sexual tension.
Aiden used to tell me that’s how it works.
Kind of like with Lily.
“That’s boring,” she says.
“Did you know Aaron in high school?” I ask, she nods slowly. “Was he your first boyfriend? Fuck, maybe even your first time? No wonder he is so protective of you.”
Lily sighs, but it turns into a groan. “Like I said, I never had one.” Her head falls back into her neck for a moment before she turns her attention back to me. “He is my brother, Colin.”
Now, that’s my time to be speechless. I blink at Lily as I try to wrap my mind around her words. He is my brother, Colin.
It can’t be. They don’t even share the same last name.
Aaron never even mentioned her. I know of his siblings, even met them. Well, Ana, I met her. Aaron did mention having another sister, he said she attends some college at the west coast, which is why she’s never around.
I remember her letter. Lily was talking about a sister that isn’t her sister. The one that “stole her father.” Lily mentioned a brother. She said he had their father, but she didn’t.
Oh God. Did their parents split them up? Who does that?
“My parents,” Lily says. I believe she can read my mind. Or was I thinking out loud? “They did split us up. Aaron got to live with my father, I had to stay with my mom. We weren’t allowed to be in touch, but my dad kept in touch with me anyway. He gave me a chance to keep my brother in my life. Our mom never found out.”
“I’m sorry, Lilybug.” My mind is running marathons. How could I have not noticed the similarities? “Aaron and you, you’re twins?”
“Did you look at Aaron and me?” She chuckles. “We look identical. Almost.”
“Why the hell didn’t you just say so right away? No, instead you’re letting me babble all about how you fucked your brother.”
Like I said, I knew Aaron had another sister, other than Ana. Though, whenever I accompanied Aaron home and the topic of his other sister came up, all they ever told me about her were basic information. Like her attending some college outside of the state of New York, somewhere in Los Angeles. Or that she is two years younger than Aaron.
So basically, they dished me some bullshit. Unless it’s true, there is another sister and Lily is a third long lost one. One that happened to never have been mentioned before.
Emerson Marsh wouldn’t neglect his children like that, I hope. He never appeared to me as the type of father that would just disappear out of his children’s’ lives.
“Yeah, that’s a nasty thought,” she agrees. “Aaron and I agreed on never telling anyone. The more people know, the more likely it is for our mom to find out.”
“God, that means it’s also your birthday this Saturday!” I make a mental note to buy a present for her. “You guys are almost twenty-one years old. I don’t think she can do much about it.”
How am I only registering this information now? She mentioned it like five minutes ago.
“Colin, it’s always just been me and my mom. Sure, I had my dad every Sunday, and when I was older, I stayed for a weekend once every six months. She pushed her own son away because my parents are both egoistic. Neither of them wanted the other to have just one tiny bit more. So splitting up the children it was. My dad wasn’t supposed to be in touch with me, and my mom was denied any contact to Aaron,” she tries to explain. “She thinks my dad kept his promise. But he didn’t. Imagine what she would do when she finds out my father had both me and Aaron, and she just got me.”
I don’t dare saying anything. I don’t think I can.
What Aaron and Lily’s parents did is awful. How could anyone just separate their children like that and then decline to stay in touch with the other?
I’m wondering if that’s where Lily’s depression started. I mean, a divorce can be traumatizing for children. And Lily certainly didn’t just lose her home that belonged to both of her parents. She lost her brother as well.
I have always been close to my sister. And ever since Reece was born three years ago, I have quite the bond with that little guy as well. Sure, it’s not as deep as it is with Eira, probably due to the age gap, but I couldn’t imagine what it would be like losing that bond.
And to be completely honest, I always thought twins have an even deeper bond than “normal” siblings. Which, in my world, would mean Lily Reyes lost the other half to her, the day her parents decided to fight against one another.
“Carter,” Lily speaks quietly. “You cannot tell Aaron about my condition. You need to promise me you won’t say a word.”
