“if only you saw what I could see, you’ll understand why I want you so desperately”—What Makes you Beautiful by One Direction
Colin
I manage to record a few—about two or three-seconds-long—videos of Lily.
We are talking all evening long, mostly about the fun times she’s had with Aaron and her father without her mother’s knowledge.
She calls these Sundays their skate-dates. She also admits that it sounds inappropriate, but she doesn’t really care about it too much.
While she is talking all about her memories, it is quite easy to catch a few shots of her expressions. Mostly sad ones, but not only sad ones. But that is just what I need.
The happy ones would come soon.
Before I can portray the happy side of life, I have to make sure I capture the ugliness. That being sadness.
Though, even sadness has its glory.
Lily’s face lights up like hundreds of lanterns in the dark when she speaks about skating and how she was supposed to take her competitions seriously but never did.
As it appears, figure skating might have been her passion, but she’d much rather do it for fun than be bound to contracts and such.
I love listening to her talk, love watching when she smiles at memories and laughs when she remembers how she felt in these moments. She looks so…carefree. So calm. Even when a tear rolls down her cheeks every now and then, looking like these memories are painful to think back to.
When I get home around 10 p.m., I am lucky enough not to bump into Aaron. I’m not mad at him for not telling me about Lily, but I sure do love to pretend I am.
-♡–
It’s only 5 in the morning when I come downstairs to get some water from the kitchen. As surprising as it is, Aaron is sitting on a barstool, his elbows propped on the island counter and his head resting in his hands.
“You good, Ron?” I ask as I enter the kitchen.
His head immediately shoots up and he looks at me. I grab a new bottle of water and lean against the closed refrigerator, waiting for an answer.
“Lily told you.” She sure did.
“Yeah, I kind of pressured her into telling me. I’m sorry.” I really am. If I had known the background behind their we’re-going-to-keep-being-twins-a-secret pact, I wouldn’t have disgusted her into telling me. But I couldn’t have known. “I won’t say a word. You know I wouldn’t.”
“I know.” Just like Lily, Aaron lets out a heavy sigh. Ever since I know they’re related, I began to see it in their habits as well.
Aaron sighs a lot when he is frustrated. So does Lily.
Lily has this one special stare that leaves you feeling intimidated. Aaron has the very same.
And don’t even get me started on their facial features. Their eye colors? The same shade of green. They have the same nose. Their hair color is identical as well. Both of them have freckles.
The only major difference is that Lily has a bigger bottom lip and it’s more curved than Aaron’s. Her cupid’s bow is more defined than his. Aaron’s lips are slim.
And perhaps the fact that Aaron has a way bigger ego.
Now I actually do want to kiss Lily though. I was joking yesterday but thinking about her lips makes me want to try them.
“Now I get why you don’t want me to touch her,” I say, hoping it would somehow get the dark cloud over Aaron’s head to disappear.
“Look, Colin,” Aaron starts, “if you’re genuinely interested in my sister, go for it. I know you wouldn’t treat her like shit. But I don’t want you using her for sex, okay? She’s my sister. I don’t want her sleeping with half the team like some puck bunny.”
“Was that the okay for me to get in her pants when I want a relationship with her as well?” I tease.
Since it’s still dark—and I didn’t bother turning on the ceiling lights—I don’t see the cloth Aaron throws at me coming. As luck would have it, it’s just a cloth, could have been something worse—a lamp, for instance.
“You disgust me,” he says, laughing. “Why are you up so early anyway?”
“Taking your sister out on a date.”
“Dumbass. You completely ignored all of my ‘keep your hands off of Lily’s.’”
“Funny. Your sister calls me the exact same name. Just sounds way cuter when she says it.” Did I mention that I love teasing Aaron?
“It’s five in the morning. Where are you taking her?” I doubt it’s a question. He is demanding an answer.
So Aaron is the overprotective kind of brother.
“Not sure just yet,” I lie. Of course I know where I am taking her, but I wouldn’t want him to spoil it for my Lilybug.
I wonder if she’s awake. Probably not. Wouldn’t hurt to shoot her a text though, right?
“Can you send me her number?” I ask Aaron.
He snorts. “You’re taking her out on a date, and she didn’t even give you her number?”
Technically it’s not a date. But I can’t tell him that.
Perhaps I should tell him about her unalive journey 101.
But she made me promise I wouldn’t.
But she’s suicidal. That’s enough reason to break a promise, right?
“In my defense, I was out for sex. Apparently, I can’t have that without declaring her as my girlfriend. So, send me her number, please?”
The ceiling light turns on as footsteps approach us. Aaron and I both turn toward the sliding glass door that leads to the porch of our backyard.
“What the hell are you guys doing up this early?” A perplexed Grey leans against the wall to kitchen.
Aaron crosses his arms in front of his chest, lifting his eyebrows. “We could ask you the same.”
“I have a visitor,” he answers with no hesitation.
“Oh, who is it?”
“Some guy from my psychology class. Don’t think you know him.” Sure.
Aaron narrows his eyes as he analyses our best friend’s face and body language.
That’s something he does a lot. He analyses people when they don’t provide him exactly the kind of information he expects. “So then, if you have a guy over, why are you here and not over in your house, in your bedroom, cuddling up to Mr. psychology class guy?”
“Because he is asleep, and I am hungry.” Right. The house across from ours lacks of groceries. Not because they don’t have enough money to buy some, but because they’re twenty-one years old guys, being busy with assignments, Hockey, and sex partners.
It’s not like Aaron or I go grocery shopping regularly, but we at least have something to eat here at all times.
A wrinkle appears on Aaron’s forehead, he licks his lips then lies his hand flat on the island countertop. “Are you guys like, just friends? Friends with benefits? Exclusive? In a relationship?”
Grey chuckles. He shakes his head slowly, looking away from Aaron and me. His cheeks are slightly flushed.
“So it’s serious, huh?” I note, bemused by Grey’s reaction.
“I think so, yeah.”
“That’s awesome, dude! We got to celebrate,” Aaron throws in with a cheer, clapping his hands before jumping off his seat. He walks over to Grey and takes him into a very manly embrace.
And with manly I mean he hugs him like a guy would hug his girlfriend. With the butt cheek squeeze and everything.
“You’re so weird, Marsh.” Grey somehow gets out of Aaron’s embrace and takes a few steps back. “By the way, you could have told us you have a twin sister.”
Aaron stands still. His voice vanishing as if he never even had one in the first place. And the color is draining from his face.
It’s obvious that Aaron doesn’t like talking about Lily. Or more their relationship to the other. But from what Lily told me, I think I understand both of their reactions.
I bite my tongue, not wanting the laugh that’s lingering in the back of my throat to come through. Despite the fact that Aaron tried to hide Lily from us for three years, even having a great reason for it, it’s still hilarious how his ass just got busted.
“I should go,” I say, walking out of the kitchen to go find my car keys.
“You’re not off the hook, Carter.” Grey stops me. “You have a thing for Ron’s sister. Good luck with that. If she’s only a tiny bit like him, you will definitely need it.”
Even if she wasn’t anything like him, I’d need it.
“Got to get going, assholes. See you later at practice.” To Grey, I only reply with a lopsided smile, followed by a lazy wink.
Five minutes later I’m out of the house, sitting in my car when my phone chimes. It’s a message from Aaron, I know because he has a special notification tone. He actually sent me Lily’s number.
Thank God he did. I thought I might have to fight him for it.
I click on her contact info and decide to shoot her a quick message. If I’m lucky, she’s awake. If not, I will have to call her to wake her up.
Colin: Hey, Lilybug. Your favorite boyfriend here. You awake?
I can hear her groan in my head. I just know a groan will be the first sound she makes after reading my message to her.
And the thought alone makes it worth it.
Lily: I am now. Thank you, dumbass.
Lily: And you are not my boyfriend, Carter. You’re my unalive delayer.
Suddenly I am really glad I waited a couple of minutes to see if she would respond. I like her energy. I actually like that she doesn’t admire me like all these other girls do at Trewery.
It’s refreshing. Such a shame that she doesn’t see how much of an awesome person she is. And I mean, even I can see it after five days of knowing her.
Colin: I’m not a plane that comes with delays. Nor am I the Deutsche Bahn that is never punctual. I’m making the rest of your days better. I don’t add time onto it.
Though I wish I did.
Lily: Why did you ask if I’m awake?
Colin: We’re going out. Get dressed. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.
Fifteen minutes later I arrive at the dorms. Lily told me I should wait outside but I don’t like listening to what she has to say when it comes to spending time with her.
I fear she might trick me. If I wait outside, she will probably never even come out. Which leads to me knocking at her door until she opens it. And when she does, I wish she didn’t.
Lily didn’t get dressed. In fact, she is still in pajama shorts and a thin tank top. I assume she went to sleep like that. She is also not wearing a bra, which brings up fantasies I do not need at the moment.
“I told you to wait in the car,” she snaps.
“You didn’t even get dressed yet. I said I would be here in fifteen minutes. It’s been twenty and you’re still not done.”
“I’m tired, Colin. I don’t want to go out. It’s not even six in the morning yet.” She lets out a quiet groan as she opens the door wider, allowing me to come in.
“Don’t kill the mood, Lilybug. You’ll love today.” I walk inside, following Lily into her room. She takes a seat at her desk—the clothes that laid there just yesterday now spread all over her floor—while I lie on her bed.
“I won’t kill the mood. I’d kill myself instead.”
I sit up in a heartbeat. A sigh escapes me as I look into Lily’s eyes through the mirror. “You have to stop saying things like that.”
“Why? It’s the truth.”
“I don’t want to hear you talking all about your death. The one that most likely won’t happen,” I tell her. I’m pretty convinced that she will end up wanting to stay alive after these nine days.
Okay, I’m not convinced. I’m hoping she will want to give life a second chance. Being positive is the key.
“I most likely will end up dead by October 8th.”
“Lilybug, you’re underestimating my power to make you fall in love with me first.”
She snorts and drops the brush she was holding. “You wanted to make me fall in love with life, not you,” she reminds me.
“But if I’m your life, it’s two in one.” I’m joking. I don’t plan on making Lily fall in love with me. Making her feel loved will be enough for now.
“Keep on dreaming, Carter.” Lily continues to freshen up her face. She looks beautiful, but she also did before she put some makeup on.
“Gladly.” I lean back on her pillows, relaxing. “Your brother told me I can get in your pants. He literally gave me the go for it.”
“He did not. Stop kidding yourself.”
“He sure did. Aaron loves me,” I argue.
“Whatever. We won’t ever go there. Now close your eyes so I can get dressed.”
“Or I leave my eyes open and watch you,” I suggest. But before she could come and beat me up again, I grab the next best thing to keep my eyes busy with.
The next best thing being her suicide book. Correction, her unalive journey 101.
“Do you mind if I read this?” I ask. “After all, I promised I would make sure your people here get their letters after your death. I will read it no matter what.”
“Go ahead. But don’t you dare comment on it.”
Like I would ever do that.
Actually, I could see myself doing just that. Comment on every single phrase I do not agree with. Phrases like “I want to die” or “This is my goodbye” or “I will be dead.”
I begin to read. But I can’t help myself.
“Why do you always put ‘Dear whoever reads this,’?” I ask. “You should exchange it with ‘Dear Colin Baby.’”
“That sounds awful. I will just leave it.” Of course she would ignore my question. But I guess I can imagine why she wouldn’t address this to one specific person.
Colin Carter is an asshole.
I planned on spending my two remaining weeks writing my goodbyes, and my thoughts along the way to death, but instead I am stuck with an ignorant and stubborn jock.
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think of that,” I comment, in spite of Lily’s command not to. “I am not an asshole.”
“You so totally are.”
“Am not,” I tsk. “I’m an amazing guy with only the best qualities to ever exist.”
He won’t even accept a simple no.
He demanded to show me that there is more to live for.
Now guess what?
I will have to spend the next couple of days at his mercy.
Nine days, to be exact.
I caved in and gave him nine days to prove me wrong.
He won’t manage to do that.
My mind is set on dying.
He can show me whatever he wants, it won’t change a thing.
But I guess he is right.
Why would I spend my last days on my own when I can spend them with some stranger that offers me a good time for free?
I certainly hope he won’t make me pay for anything.
I mean, I don’t even want to be there in the first place, so he might as well pay.
I start to laugh.
I wonder if these days count as dates.
Isn’t that what dates are all about?
Two people go out, go on adventures, eat at a way too expensive restaurant, do stupid things. And just have a great time.
But if that counts as such, does spending time with a friend count as a date as well?
A friend date perhaps?
“Lilybug, you’re my girlfriend now. They sure are dates,” I inform her, joking.
Only a second later I am getting beat up by Lily’s stuffed animals.
Well, she is beating me up with one of them, but it’s basically the same thing.
“I am not your girlfriend, dumbass.”
“That’s too bad. I planned on a few dates we would go on. Like, stargazing, or wine painting. Maybe even take a swim course together,” I joke.
“Aw, doesn’t Trewery’s superstar know how to swim?” She pouts at me with big eyes. “Does he only know how to skate?”
“Oh, I thought you didn’t know how to swim.” And once again she beats me with that frog stuffed animal. I think I will be naming him Sergeant Froggo. He wears an Army outfit, so might as well go big or go home with the name. “Stop beating me. You’re hurting Sergeant Froggo.”
“Sergeant-who-now?” She bursts into laughter as she falls down on the bed beside me. “That’s not his name.”
“I’m pretty sure it is. He looks like one.”
“His name is Kermit.”
“Way too basic. It’s Sergeant Froggo now,” I utter. “Now let me continue to read. It’s getting interesting, sweetheart.”
I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been on a date before.
Not a real one at least.
Anyway, the next letter will be dedicated to Winter.
I know, Winter is a lot to take in.
She isn’t very nice most of the time.
And yes, she is such a drama queen.
Oh God, Winter, if you’re reading this right now, I am sorry. But you know it’s the truth.
But despite her urge to cause drama, she has been my best friend for a while now. I couldn’t live with myself if she didn’t get a goodbye letter.
That’s ironic, I won’t even be alive to witness her reading it.
Lily
You’re so wrong, Lilybug. You will be alive. You will be happy again. I promise.
