“don’t worry, I promise you’ll be fine”—Fee Time by Ruel
Lily
Colin and I take on a ten-minute car drive.
We find ourselves on Long Clove Rd, currently hiking up a hill.
If I had known I’d be hiking this early in the morning, I would have stayed in bed. Though, I doubt Colin would have given me a choice.
Who am I kidding? I don’t have a choice but to follow him wherever he wants to take me. I agreed on these nine days. It would be such a bitch move to back out now.
And besides, Colin doesn’t seem to be half as bad. Maybe he will be a great company for my last days.
I’m just worried I might grow on him like he’s starting to grow on me…kind of.
Colin is still an arrogant ass. One I’d much rather punch in the face than have as my unalive delayer. But it would be unnecessarily cruel if I grew on him, and he lost me to death.
But then again, he kind of put himself in this position. I didn’t ask for him to “help me.” I don’t need his saving.
“Great, so it’s six in the morning and we’re sitting on a blanket on top of a hill and now what?” I speak in a sort of annoyed tone just as Colin makes me take a seat on a blanket he brought.
“You’re so anti-romantic.” He laughs to himself. “We’ll be watching the sunrise.”
“I always hated watching sunrises,” I let him know. “I never understood why it would be so magical. It’s just the sun that rises. Nothing special.”
“Wrong.” Colin takes a seat next to me. “Sunrises are beautiful. A new day arrives. It’s a new beginning. Each morning, with every new sunrise, you get the chance to start something new.”
“Lilybug, this has nothing to do with superstitions. It’s simply a new beginning. View the sunrise as whatever you please. See it as a moment of carelessness. The second you can see the sun rise and the sky starts to show itself in all its glory, close your eyes and wish for something you truly desire. For instance, a painless day.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Fine, let’s just wait until the sun is rising, then you can stand by the edge and scream from the top of your lungs. Release all of your anger from the past years. Let the pain from yesterday leave your body. Grant yourself a pause, just until the sun is up and then you can come back to reality,” he offers, I think?
He takes my hand in his, laying them down on his crossed legs.
“This is so ridiculous, you know that, right?”
“Feel free to give me feedback once the sun is up.” Colin flicks me that perfect grin of his before turning his face away to look over the dark city.
I have no idea when the sun would start to rise. I never paid attention to it before, and yet I’m somewhat excited.
Honestly, I have always viewed sunrises as something stupid. Sure, it’s the beginning of a new day. But I never understood what would be so interesting to see.
People go watch sunrises and sunsets every single day and enjoy it. I never believed they could be interesting. I mean, it’s just a huge fireball showing on the other side of the globe. Nothing too spectacular.
“Lilybug?” Colin’s soft voice streams through my ears.
“Yeah?”
“Tell me something about you that you’ve never told anyone before.”
“I want to die,” I answer with no hesitation. It’s true. I have never told anyone about it. Nor did I ever really say it out loud before.
“Something I didn’t already know.”
“I have a weirdly shaped birthmark.”
His eyebrows rise, lips pressing together as he waits for me to elaborate, but I don’t. “Well, if you’re not going to tell me what it is, don’t even bother mentioning it.”
“It’s too embarrassing.”
He rolls his eyes. “Fine. I’ll find out eventually. Give me something else then.”
“You go first,” I say.
Let’s be honest. I have no idea what I am supposed to tell him.
“Okay.” He exhales heavily, and although it’s still dark, I can see the fog in front of his face rise into the air. “Two years ago, when Eira had been diagnosed with leukemia, I tried to bribe the doctor into taking extra care of her.”
“You were nineteen when you tried to bribe a doctor to find a better cure for cancer?” I question. Then suddenly I realize: His sister had cancer?
“To be fair, I am not a doctor. And I never really had to care about all that. I have always been healthy. I have never broken a bone, not even had a sprained ankle. And I play hockey. Always have. So that’s quite the miracle. I never put too much thought into anything medical. I was so stupid. And I was eighteen still.”
“I am so sorry about Eira, Colin. She doesn’t deserve this.”
He shrugs. “Yeah. It’s alright though. She’s Eira. I mean, Eira thinks beyond everything. She is excited to die because she believes that the universe wants her to start a new adventure. No, needs her to go on a new one.”
That is actually a really beautiful way of thinking about death.
“Is she dying?”
“Nah.” He dismisses my question. “She’s cancer free now.”
“Did you think she was going to die?” Why am I even asking?
“Sure did, for a while. I never wanted to accept it. I mean, she’s my sister. I don’t want her to die. But I came to accept that I can’t do anything about it. And crying about it now won’t give her more time either, if she were to die.” He lets out a painful sigh. Something is off. “Good thing, she is cancer free and won’t die yet.”
I need to change the topic. I doubt Colin wants to continue speaking of his sister’s death. And I’m not sure if I should be wanting to carry this conversation on either. “I used to think the moon is made out of cheese.”
Colin snickers. “Everyone thought that as a child. Give me something deeper.”
I think about my life for a second, letting every event run through my mind before admitting, “there was a period of time in which Aaron hated me.”
“I don’t believe you.” His head turns toward me, his eyes landing on mine. He isn’t expressing any kind of anticipation, but at the same time it looks a lot like he’s desperate for me to enlighten him.
So I do.
“Our dad got married to another woman. Her name is Liz, but I’m sure you knew that already. I didn’t take it very well. But I took it even worse when I found out that Liz has a daughter. Ana. She was only three when she became a part of our family. Aaron and I were eight. I was so jealous of her.”
“Oh, I read the jealous part, sweetheart.”
“Yeah, I know you did,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Aaron loved Ana right from the start. He played with her at all times. And well, I only had my mom. She never gave me any other siblings. When I went to see my dad and Aaron, Aaron only ever wanted us to play with Ana. Which led to me getting mad at him. Eventually my jealousy got so bad that I didn’t even want to look at Ana anymore. I would do cruel things to get attention. I even cut Aaron’s cuddle-blankie in half.”
Colin gasps. “No way, Lilybug. You can’t just do that. That’s some real trauma you caused Aaron!”
I laugh. The kind of laughter I didn’t allow myself to let out for years. It gets so much, I start grunting like a pig while inhaling. And those piggy-grunts only make me laugh even more.
I don’t pay much attention to what’s around me. But when I catch Colin smile at me, I feel this weird tingle in my stomach. Probably a sign I’m about to vomit.
Colin Carter has smiled at me before, but it was never like this. Never with admiration. I think maybe he is proud of himself for making me laugh like that. But even if I’m overanalyzing this whole smile right now, I don’t care.
I don’t care because laughing feels good.
Feeling a hand come in touch with mine, I immediately stop to laugh and look down to Colin and my hands. He is intertwining them, holding mine closely to his as our fingers interlock. His thumb brushes over my skin in soft strokes.
Colin isn’t looking at me, but I’m watching his side profile while he stares straight forward over the city.
He is really handsome. But that wouldn’t even matter to me. Colin has a loving soul. Even although I’m still sure Colin Carter is a complete asshole and is just good at hiding it from me.
He cares for people he doesn’t even know. And I come to believe that maybe if I weren’t going to die, I could see him in my life as someone more than just a friend.
I can’t think like this.
My time is almost over. I have only eight days left. I can’t fall in love now. Not that I was going to fall in love with Colin. We’ve only known each other for six days, and our relationship didn’t start off too great.
Colin could potentially be a great friend. Maybe even turn into my best friend if we had more time.
That’s what I’m talking about. A great, deep friendship.
The only reason Colin is here with me right now is because I want to die. And he wants to show me I don’t.
But I do want to die, and no matter on what adventures he takes me, my mind won’t change.
“Look,” he commands, pointing toward the horizon.
A few lights in New City are turned on. It’s not as bright as I thought it would be at 6:30 in the morning. I thought more people would be awake, more lights would light up the city, but I was wrong.
And I was even more wrong to say that sunrises are nothing but a waste of time.
The sky turns into all the colors I could only ever imagine it could turn into once then sun starts to rise.
The darkness diminishes, and it’s as if the ocean could catch on fire and turn into something completely new. As if a pool with the deepest blue water cleans up and appears golden from a source of light shining on it.
Something completely odd and yet something everyone needs to see.
There is no sign of darkness left as the huge ball of fire rises on the horizon, spreading warming gold and purple color throughout the sky in every direction imaginable. The clouds gleam like dusty pink cotton candy in front of a work of art that is the sky.
It’s breathtaking to see the sun painting the world’s sky in all its glory.
Colin gets up from the floor, pulling me up once he stands. He walks us to the edge so we’re just standing there, watching the sun rise.
“Do it,” he whispers. “Scream, shout, let out your anger and frustrations.”
I allow myself to look at Colin in shock. He said I could do that, but I didn’t think he would actually want me to.
“Think of the sky as your pain and scream at it.”
“You’re crazy,” I tell him with a chuckle.
“I can live with that.” He turns and lifts my face up to the sky. “Now, Lilybug. Scream.” He takes a few steps back, granting me more space.
And then it comes over me. The anger I feel for never being good enough. The frustration I feel for longing for a better life that will never come. The pain I have felt for years from the separation my parents took over me and my family.
So I scream.
I scream from the top of my lungs, letting all the anger and agony from my past leave my body.
He was right. It’s refreshing. It feels good to finally let it all out.
It’s like being at the gym and lifting 220 pounds at the bench, then finally getting rid of the weight. The satisfaction that comes through when you realize you carried so much weight like it was a feather. You feel lighter when it’s gone and only then do you realize how heavy it was on you.
The weight is lighter on me. I know it’s not gone. It will never be gone. But it still feels good to get rid of it for a moment.
Tears escape from the corner of my eyes as I calm down and stop screaming. I’m not crying, but I kind of am.
I always thought crying only happens when your heart is aching from all of the pain you feel. Never did I think you could cry from relief.
When I turn around to look at Colin, I see him putting away his phone.
Assuming he just recoded my entire outbreak of anger doesn’t sit right with me. I wonder what our project is all about. He won’t tell me anything.
Despite the unwell feeling of assuming that Colin Carter has a video of me screaming on his phone, I don’t really care much.
“Thank you.” I thank him wholeheartedly, walking closer to him.
Colin opens his arms for me, allowing me in for a hug.
I hate hugs. Or I used to until I’m in Colin’s embrace. His arms wrap around me so gently, yet firm enough, accompanied by so much protection, I feel like he is trying to convince me that he is my armor now.
And boy do I feel safe in his arms.
The side of my face presses against the front of his shoulder as my arms wrap around his torso. I feel Colin’s hand stroking through my hair, and his other hand drawing circles over my back.
It’s soothing.
A few more tears roll down my face as I realize that I won’t get to experience moments like these anymore. At least not many.
But that’s all right. I will savor them and if I do remember my life before my death, I will come to think back to these moments with a smile on my face.
Suddenly I’m way more excited for the next seven days with Colin. I can’t really count today anymore. He’s chosen the early morning as his time of the day, so I don’t think I will see him much for the rest of it.
We’re just standing here, hugging for a whole while until I eventually pull away.
Colin cups my face with his hands, caressing my cheeks ever so lightly by sliding his thumbs over my skin. It sends shivers down my spine.
For a moment I believe he wants to kiss me, but I know that’s not the case. So, as quick as the thought enters my brain, it vanishes from it as well.
His eyes are staring into mine. A gentle smile is tugging on his lips as he watches me.
“You’re really beautiful, did you know that?” He speaks softly. Something in his voice seems odd. Usually he’s all cheerful and chirpy. But this time he is gentle and jovial.
If I read Colin correctly, he doesn’t like being vulnerable. So telling me about his sister, about how he felt when he thought she was dying—and acting like anything but Mr. tough-guy—must have been pretty difficult for him.
“Thank you,” I say, offering him a small smile.
Colin tilts my head up, his index finger under my chin as he does. His face moves closer to mine until his lips brush over my skin.
He places a kiss to my forehead, slowly.
My heart beats faster. So fast, I can feel it beating inside of my chest. My stomach seems to be turning upside-down, but this time it’s not from feeling sick. Maybe I do feel sick, but a different kind of sick. A kind of sick that doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s like a flutter in my stomach, like someone was tickling me from the inside.
It’s nerve-wracking, a feeling—a flutter—I have never felt before.
Please remember this when you’re dead, Lily.
When he pulls away and goes to collect the blanket he brought, I feel empty again. Like something inside of me feels lost without Colin by my side. I hate that I feel this way.
I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t want Colin. I shouldn’t because it’s not fair to him.
But I do anyway. I want Colin, even just for one night. I want to feel his lips on mine as much as I hate the thought as well.
I hate wanting him.
How did this happen anyway?
Colin was nothing to me when we met. Actually, he was a pain in the ass. I didn’t want him around. I didn’t want him to show me the beauty of life.
Yet here I am, longing for his lips.
I think it’s because he’s the only guy that ever truly paid attention to me. He’s the only person that is trying to save me. Of course it has my hormones go crazy and give me wrong signals.
Colin isn’t nice. Not once did I hear someone refer to him as a good person. He is an asshole. He’s still the same superstar that so much as nods into a girl’s direction and has her undressed a second later.
But despite all that, he seems nice enough for my brain to mistake his newfound kindness for something else.
-♡–
“No, I swear Miles was staring at me throughout all of finance,” Carina tells us. With us I mean my friends and me.
As I would every day, I spend my lunch break with my friends in the cafeteria. The four of us are sitting at a table, currently listening to Carina Rico’s fantasies about Miles King.
After attending St. Trewery for a while, I figured that a lot of women at this school have a thing for the hockey guys.
They’re all ridiculously hot, I give them that much. I used to think being hot is a requirement to start playing hockey here. Obviously, that’s not the case.
Still Miles King seems to be getting the most attention.
Miles has a couple of tattoos, not as many as Colin (I think). I’m actually not sure how many Colin has. I’ve only ever seen his arms and neck covered in single tattoos, I wouldn’t know if he has some on his chest or back as well.
Miles, however, I know he doesn’t have many.
Simply for having tattoos and a pretty face, Miles King is getting quite the attention. For no reason, so I believe.
Okay, maybe for a reason. His abs are more defined than any I have ever seen before. And then in combination with the few tattoos on his arms and chest is to die for. But he sure is missing the dark hair.
But that’s not everyone’s type. I guess there is more that attracts girls to Miles like food attracts pigeons.
Maybe it’s the fact that he’s a hockey player.
I wonder if girls are just as crazy about Colin as they are about Miles. The thought irks me, but it’s not my business anyway. I shouldn’t care.
“He was just looking for the next girl he could fuck,” Mia says unfazed. She’s one of very few women here that wouldn’t sell their soul to the devil for Miles King’s existence. “Honestly, Miles is just disgusting. Just like the rest of them.”
“He’s not disgusting just because he has a more active sex life than you do,” Carina defends her beloved Miles.
“Sure not. But do you see me fucking two different women in a time span of five hours?” Mia asks.
“Stop trying to talk him bad, Mia. Just accept that he is ridiculously hot.”
“Sure, I can do that. Doesn’t mean I want to get laid by him.”
“I don’t want that either. Well, I do. But I want him as my boyfriend as well,” Carina cries out quietly.
Carina is as much of an emotional wreck as I am. Just that she is emotional when it comes to people. More specifically guys. She gets attached to a guy because he gave her two seconds of attention.
Before anyone can save her from it, Carina has planned her wedding with said guy. Only to get frustrated when said guy doesn’t even want to be with her or pays any more attention to her.
“Now shut up, he’s here!” She squeaks, staring as Miles and three of his teammates walk right into the cafeteria.
Every single voice in this room mutes. If a pin were to fall down, everyone would be able hear it. That’s how quiet the room goes once the jocks make their entrance.
Aaron walks in next to Miles, followed by a black-haired guy with a three-day beard. He is just as muscular as everyone else of them. And tall. I would guess about six foot two, a tad taller than Aaron, though not too much.
Since Colin is the last of the four jocks entering, I assume the black-haired guy is Grey, the other not-really-roommate.
Thanks to Aaron, I know that he is living in a house with Colin, yet Grey and Miles sort of live there too but not really. At least they get their food intake from my brother’s house in the morning, and whenever they’re hungry.
Aaron didn’t shut up talking about Colin for the first two months of freshman year. He mentioned Miles a couple of times before as well. And it’s not too surprising to know who Miles is.
But Grey? Hell. He’s been mentioned. I just never saw him around before. I don’t think he is around a lot.
My friends—and I—watch the guys walk over to the line to buy some food. They’re goofing around, ignoring the eyes that are solely on them.
I always thought stuff like this only happens in teen movies. But being here right now, witnessing it myself makes it pretty realistic.
Trying to get my friends back to talking, I ask a question, but it stays unheard. Clearly they’re too focused on the hot guys that are buying food, the same way every single other person in this cafeteria did before. Apparently when jocks buy food it’s automatically more interesting.
“Miles looks so good in his clothes,” Carina says. If my eyes aren’t playing any tricks on me, I could swear she is drooling.
“He’s wearing jeans and a shirt. Just like 98% of the other guys here,” Mia points out. She is right. Miles doesn’t stand out too much. Aside from his height.
“What do you think are they talking about?” Carina is questioning, still watching as Colin starts to laugh and Aaron shakes his head after an obvious eyeroll.
Then Colin slaps his hand on Aaron’s shoulder blade before he starts to walk away. Toward the tables.
“I think Colin found himself another victim,” Mia jokes, taking a sip from her apple juice.
Winter and I turn back around to face Mia and Carina, turning our backs to the guys. I’m glad the fascination about the hockey guys only ever lasts a couple of minutes before life continues to go on. I wouldn’t be able to sit through this until they eventually leave again.
“You’re partnered up with Colin for your film directing class, aren’t you, Lily?” Mia asks. I just nod a reply. “Poor you. You probably have to do all the work.”
I don’t. In fact, I am the one not doing anything. But I can’t say that out loud. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to. The second I try to speak, Carina gasps seconds before I feel arms wrapping carefully around my neck.
“Hey there, Lilybug,” Colin whispers into my ear before I feel his lips brush my skin. This time he plants a kiss onto my cheek and not my forehead.
His arms loosen around my body, then eventually disappear completely. Taking a look toward my friends, they all look as equally shocked as I feel.
Thinking Colin left, I’m dumbstruck when he is taking a seat right next to me. Or more half under me.
The second he is seated, Colin tugs on my leg and places it over his so that the bottom half of my leg is dangling between his. At this point he might as well have pulled me right onto his lap.
“You didn’t eat,” he says, pointing toward my full tray. He is right. I’m not hungry, but I promised Winter I would try to get something down. It just never happened. I was hoping that maybe if I let it sit in front of me, I would eventually grab something from the tray and eat it. It didn’t happen.
“I’m not hungry,” I tell him. “What are you doing here?”
“Keeping an eye on you.” He shrugs like there is nothing wrong with the way he just phrased this. In front of my friends. “The guys are coming as well. Hope you girls don’t mind,” he says to my friends.
Of course they don’t mind. It’s good for their reputation on Campus.
Their presence will give Carina a chance to speak to Miles.
I’m not so sure about Mia. She usually stays away from the sport guys. She believes they’re all arrogant assholes that only care about themselves.
Winter probably won’t like it too much either. I got her to block Aaron’s phone number. She needs to heal and stop dreaming about a perfect relationship with him. It won’t happen. We both know it won’t.
“Of course not,” Carina replies with excitement.
Only a few moments later the other three guys approach our table. Luckily, the table is big enough for eight people to sit at. Well, it gets a little tight, but it fits.
Aaron sits next to Colin, Miles and Grey on the opposite side of their teammates.
Unfortunately for Carina, Miles doesn’t sit next to her. But that’s good for him. Poor guy wouldn’t be able to eat in peace with her next to him.
“So, you got not only one, but four hockey players wrapped around your finger now?” Mia snorts bemused, looking at me.
Mia isn’t the only one snorting. Aaron does the exact same thing. But I bet for a whole different reason.
“Just me. We are a package deal though, so they will have to do some good deeds for her too,” Colin answers for me. I wish I was faster with answering questions. “That sounds dirtier than intended.”
My friends start to laugh, as so do Grey and Miles. Aaron, Colin and I stay quiet. I understand why Aaron doesn’t laugh at the awful phrasing. He has the same reason I do. But why doesn’t Colin laugh at his own words?
“Stop taking so much space for yourself,” Aaron says, pushing Colin closer to me, if it gets any closer, that is.
Bemused, Colin presses his lips together into a thin line, then grabs onto my other leg—the one that is still free from his body—and pulls it over his leg as well. Shortly after that I’m seated on one of his thighs.
He moves a bit closer to Winter, giving Aaron a bit more space. He seems grateful for the space but pissed that his twin sister is currently sitting on his best friend’s lap.
Colin seats me sideways, though, I think if I sat with my back against his front, it would get super uncomfortable in a short while
Colin holds me close to him. One of his hands is resting on my hip, his thumb tracing the outlines of my panties through the thin layer that leggings offer.
Since I don’t know where else to place my hands, I decide to just rest them on my thighs. Just that that’s exactly where Colin’s other hand is lying. How did I not even notice that?
Aaron almost gags. I just have to look into his face, and I know what he thinks.
“No way, you’re an actual thing then?” Miles asks, looking Colin and me up and down.
“Don’t think so, Miles. Carter isn’t even trying to eat her face right now,” the guy, that I’m still assuming is Grey, speaks. His voice is deeper than I thought it would be.
“Is this what guys do in private?” Mia asks. “Do you guys watch your friends making out?”
“Making out?” Miles laughs. “I have full on sex tapes from these guys on my phone. I watch them every evening before going to sleep.” He’s trying too hard to appear serious, forcing his face to stay expressionless. It only makes the mocking joke more obvious. And maybe because he won’t stop laughing at himself for his hilarious lie.
“He’s joking,” Grey confirms.
“So? Do I get an actual answer?”
“We don’t watch the other making out,” Miles says. “But at some point, you just know your best friends. That includes knowing how they act around—and with—girls they just want to fuck, and girls they want for more than a quick thing.”
“Yeah,” Aaron agrees. “You can’t tell me you don’t know when, let’s say, Winter wants to bang or when she wants a relationship.” He eyes her, she looks back at him with a mad frown.
If looks could kill…Aaron would be six feet under right now.
They continue to talk, but I can no longer concentrate because Colin Carter is stroking his hand up my body. So high that it’s eventually crawling under my sweatshirt and tracing over my skin.
