“I wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t have you holding my hand”—Control by Zoe Wees
Colin
Two weeks later
“Five more minutes!” my father yells as I skate past him. It’s not like I don’t have eyes and couldn’t read the scoreboard myself. I guess he just has a great time reminding me of the pressure I’m supposed to be under.
St. Trewery University and Princeton University are playing for a win. As of now the board reads 3-3. However, five minutes can change a lot. In only five minutes, if it goes smoothly, we could possibly score at least one more goal, if extra smoothly, even two or three. Maybe not three.
Parker, our goalie, he does his best trying to keep the puck away from our net, but Princeton players are ruthless. They play with much more body than any of us.
Hockey is known for its brutality, but hell, these guys are cruel, not brutal.
Parker came in an as exchange for Kaiden five minutes ago. Only because Nico Cams, one player of the opponents, decided to almost break Kaiden’s arm.
The puck is currently in possession of Grey, and he appears to be winging it.
My guys try to keep the Princeton guys away from Grey as good as only possible. However, their goalie is great. Getting past him turned out to be harder than we have practiced for. It appears Beck got quite the amount of practice in before facing us.
Grey is so close to the goal, almost ready to shoot when one of the Princeton players comes up from behind and presses Grey up against the wall, the puck gliding over the ice like it’s dancing to a classical song.
Time seems to be frozen when a few players, me included, make their way over to the puck in no time.
Since we’re so much closer to the enemy’s goal and I made sure to stay close to Grey, it’s an easy game for me to reach the puck first.
Not wasting any more time, I turn to the goal, pick up my pace and shoot for a win.
Thinking back to time freezing when players run up to the puck, it’s nothing compared to what I feel now that the puck is so close to a win.
Ten seconds left.
Everything moves in slow-motion. And then finally, finally, the puck hits the net, the sound of sirens ringing as a point for St. Trewery adds to the scoreboard.
Another loud siren going off when the time runs out.
St. Trewery U wins.
I spend a quick moment saying a few words to the other team captain, and then my very cheery team skates off the ice and runs toward the locker room.
Everyone but me.
When I exit the ice, I’m greeted by two lovingly green eyes and blonde hair. The one person I grew so close to in a matter of no time at all.
She smiles at me so brightly, I can feel heat rushing to my heart.
“Congratulations, Mr. Stinky!” Lily screams all excitedly while jumping into my arms. Mind you, I’m still in skates, but I’d gladly fall to the floor for this woman. Even in front of a crowd.
I spin her around as much as I can before setting her down to the floor, then take off my helmet to kiss her breath away.
Lily’s lips are still my obsession, my addiction. I’m addicted to her. Maybe that’s not too healthy, but I don’t give zero fucks. This woman owns my body, heart and soul.
“What are you doing here, mi sol?” I ask, completely dumbfounded by her presence when I thought she was at the mental hospital.
God, I missed her so much. I haven’t seen Lily in three whole days. Haven’t really touched and kissed her in two weeks.
It was torture. But at least I’ve got her back now.
“You weren’t supposed to get out until later today. I thought I am picking you up,” I say, stealing yet another kiss of hers.
“I wanted to watch your game, so my dad picked me up and drove me here. He should be around still.”
I want to get out of my clothes, at least the hockey gear. I want to feel Lily against me, body to body. Hug her without any of my protective gear in between.
“Dad invited you for dinner in a couple of hours. Well, he asked if we would like to go out for dinner with him,” she tells me, taking my hockey stick from me as we walk toward the locker room.
“Sure, just let me take a shower first, okay?”
She laughs, nodding. “Of course, Mr. Stinky.”
“I do not stink.”
“You’re right. You just smell like sweat and old, stinky equipment on a daily.” Lily smiles, getting onto her tippy-toes before planting a chaste kiss to my lips right when we stop in front of the locker room doors.
“Sweetheart, where do you think you’re going? You belong in that locker room. Now, close your eyes and get your cute butt inside.”
Laughing, she obeys, holding onto my arms—her eyes closed—as I lead her inside the locker room.
Lily
We lie in bed, my head resting against his shoulder as his arm is wrapped around me.
Colin’s laptop is set down on his legs and he makes sure we both have a good view.
“Okay, Lilybug, our topic was life’s beauty,” he says as he presses the play button and our film directing project begins to play.
Videos of me crying start to show, only seconds of my body shaking, my hands covering my face, me screaming by the hill he took me to as we watched the sunset.
Pain. He is portraying pain.
“Life’s beauty isn’t about the magical and perfect side of life.”
His hand reaches out to grab mine as we walk toward his car. I turn to look at him. My eyes are red and puffy from crying, but a smile appears when our hands touch.
“Truth is, there wouldn’t be one beautiful thing if there wasn’t anything bad to it.”
We’re at The Retro Diner. I’m laughing at Colin because only two seconds ago he was trying to push the whole burger into his mouth, but it didn’t fit. Instead, the sauce dripped onto his shirt, ruining it forever.
“We wouldn’t know how to cherish what we call ‘beautiful moments’ when there weren’t any bad ones.”
Another video of me crying, sitting on Colin’s bed with my notebook in my hands.
The next clip shows me in the rain, spinning with my head held high, letting the cold raindrops hit my skin.
I didn’t even know he filmed that.
“Life’s beauty isn’t about the happiness only. It’s not sunshine and flowers. It’s the pain, scars that tell a story. It’s about darkness and the tiny source of light shining into the depth of the forest.”
More clips of me struggling appear, but they’re all fading into other clips of me smiling, laughing, portraying happiness through sadness.
One clip shows the moment when I step onto the ice, my face lighting up like fireworks, a big smile spreading across my face.
“Life might seem warm and bright for one moment, and the next it’s all back to gray, back to darkness and freezing temperatures. It beats you down after rewarding you, then rewards you again only to get another hit from it. The true art in life is to see beyond the pain. See that there is a source of light in everything.”
The video cuts to videos of Colin and me.
Colin running up to me in a fairy costume, making me laugh.
Colin smiling when I try to lift a way too heavy pumpkin.
Us, dancing in the middle of a bar with tons of eyes on us, ignoring every single one of them because what truly matters is Colin and I being there together.
“Love,” he says. “Life’s beauty is connected to the one thing we all seek. The one thing that brings people together, splits them up. Pain wouldn’t exist without love, and love wouldn’t exist without pain. Whether it’s family, friends, a pet, sports, a significant other, anything or anyone. Loss is the pain that comes with love. The true criminal, but without it, beautiful things wouldn’t exist. If you don’t fear losing it, if you don’t fear it leaving you…it’s not on the side of beauty it should be at.”
More videos of Colin and me together, hugging, laughing, videos of the ways we look at one another when the other isn’t looking.
“Love and loss are life’s beauty. Both comes unexpectedly. It can destroy you, but it can also be a savior. Whatever it is, it comes together. One follows the other. They will keep on coming to remind us to cherish even the smallest number of times we get to have with Love. But it’s there, and if it’s not yet, it will come when it’s least expected.”
I sniffle, wiping away some tears.
Colin closes his laptop, a second later I’m completely cuddled up to him, wetting his t-shirt with my tears.
He chuckles, but he pulls me into his embrace and plants a kiss on the top of my head.
“That was beautiful,” I tell him between sobs.
“I will deny making this. I will say you had me say a couple of words and mixed them all together.”
Now it’s my time to laugh. I look up, finding his eyes. Colin wears a smile on his face, one that says he’s proud of himself for creating something so beautiful. And maybe also a bit of “I regret this more than anything.”
“I’m not that talented, dumbass.”
“Hm, they don’t know that.” He puts a chaste kiss to my lips. “Professor Meisner said he won’t show it in class because he doesn’t want to humiliate you and your ‘crazily good acting’ because it ‘might seem too realistic.’”
At least that’s something. I don’t think having a couple of hundred other students see me cry is something I ever want to experience.
-♡–
“No, dad, do you know what your daughter is capable of? She’s been home for a whole two hours and then…the whole goddamn living room looked like the decoration section of an IKEA.” Aaron slides his hands down his face, letting out a desperate groan.
“I thought you guys needed a bit more color in there. Your whole house it made of white and gray’s. It needed some color,” I defend myself.
“Sweetheart, mint green is not a color that fits in our house.” Colin clearly has a death-wish. How dare he be on Aaron’s side instead of mine? “And your frog obsession still creeps me out.”
“Thank you! These tiny frog statues are everywhere.” Another groan comes from Aaron.
Honestly, if they didn’t want me “girl up” their house, they shouldn’t have offered me to stay. Well, it’s not like I have any other choice. Colin insists on me staying so he can have an eye on me, and Aaron…he doesn’t have much to say when it comes to me. Not when Colin already decided.
I mean, I sure do have a choice to stay at the dorms, but why would I when I get to annoy my brother with my presence at all times instead?
I didn’t get to do that when we were younger, so I have some making up to do.
“Guys, you leave Lily alone, otherwise you will find killer frogs in your bed, and I doubt that’s what you want,” Ana says. At least someone is on my side.
“Thank you, Annie.”
“Not another of those Sergeant Froggo’s, por favor,” Colin begs, making a face that looks like he’s in pain. “It’s bad enough that Lily loves that frog more than me. I don’t need more of those in my life.”
I roll my eyes, trying to appear annoyed but my lips betray me, keeping a smile on them.
“Ladies,”—my father motions his hand around the table then stops when it’s in front of me—“and frog lover’s.” Everyone chuckles. “If mint green decoration and frogs make the woman happy, then you all will have to make some sacrifices.”
“But dad, I can’t,” Aaron growls. “You don’t live with us. You don’t have to see those creepy creatures all day, every day. I, however, do.”
“Sucks for you, Ron.” Colin shrugs while winking at me.
Aaron grunts, disapproving. But just like it was for me, his mouth is betraying his annoyance.
And then the question I’ve been waiting for drops. Not that I was looking forward to answering it, but I knew it would come eventually.
“Will you have to go back?” Ana asks. “To the mental hospital, I mean.”
There wasn’t any need for clarification, but I’ll give her an A for trying.
“Not for now. Before they released me, I’ve had a talk with a psychologist. She said I’m making great progress. Sure, I won’t magically get better from one day to another, but she is positive that with some more work I can live almost to a ‘normal’ life,” I say, probably explaining it worse than the psychologist did.
“It’s going to be a hell lot of work to get near ‘normality,’ whatever that shall be. I honestly don’t think there’s a thing such as ‘normal,’ but whatever, that’s not the point. I will still struggle sometimes, just like everyone else. Though, if I continue taking my meds and stick around the people I love, the same that love me too, even I am certain I can get through this without keeping up the desire to die. It’s not gone yet, sometimes I still think it would be better if I did die, but you know, it’s not like I think it’s the only solution anymore. And of course, I will have to continue to go to therapy. But apart from that, if my condition doesn’t get any worse again, I’m good to stay away.”
Colin takes my hand in his, giving it a soft squeeze. His eyes are on mine and he smiles widely. It’s not a pitying smile. He is proud of me.
No matter how small my victories might be, Colin makes sure to tell—or show—me how proud he is.
He couldn’t visit me daily, the visiting hours wouldn’t allow him to, neither would his schedule…but whenever he did visit me in the last two weeks, Colin listened to me telling him all about what I’ve learned. But most importantly, he always smiled at me like I was making him so proud.
It felt, and still does feel, good to know I’m not the kind of disappointment I thought I was for years.
Colin makes me feel better. And with the help of my family, I do feel as though I am doing better.
Of course I still have a long way to go, and I’m sure my depression will never go away (mainly because there’s no cure whatsoever), I do feel like I can conquer so much more with love in my life than I could when I was all by myself.
Hours later we’re finally back at home and I’m all cuddled up in Colin’s bed. He’s still in the bathroom, so in the meantime I figure it would be fun to hide something under his tiny part of the blanket.
Yup, about three-fourth of the blanket is mine. There is no discussion needed. Even if Colin wanted to argue with me, he will lose.
“What movie are we watching?” Colin asks just when the bathroom door opens.
He’s only wearing some sweatpants, granting me the sight of his bare chest. Ever since I know of his not-so-new-anymore tattoo, his chest seems so much more interesting.
“Barbie, obviously.”
He groans, causing me to laugh.
“Listen, mi sol, you can torture me with Barbie movies for the rest of our lives, but not tonight. It’s your first day back home, let’s watch something…good.”
He walks over to his side of the bed, looking down at me with pleading eyes, he even adds the pouty lips.
“Are you saying Barbie movies are bad?” I’m totally not offended by that. Nope. All good.
“No, I’m saying I want to watch something like any Marvel movie, really. Or some horror movie, like paranormal activities.”
I hum, pretending to think about it. “Alright. The Notebook then.”
Colin narrows his eyes, slowly lifting the blanket. “That doesn’t sound like anything action.”
“Oh, it has quite the action in it. Like…love.”
Thankfully, my words go lost on him when he flinches from the stuffed animal under his side of the blanket. The one that lost an eye from Colin’s last fight with it.
I can’t help the horribly loud laughter spilling out of me when Colin holds his hand to his heart, breathing heavily as he tries to come back to life.
“Oh, you’re so done, Liliana,” he speaks through gritted teeth.
Colin throws the frog across the room, getting onto the bed and hovering right over me. His face is so close to mine, I can feel his breath tingling on my skin. His chest presses against me, so close, I can feel his heart beating against mine.
He lowers his face, his nose gently touching mine before his lips come into touch with my lips in an ever so heart-exploding, mind-erasing kiss.
My tongue pushes past his lips, dipping into his mouth to deepen the kiss. And because I get way too touchy with this man, my hands automatically reach up to caress his back, scratching his skin with my fingernails.
“I love you, mi sol,” Colin whispers, like he only wants me to hear it. “I finally have my sun back.”
“I love you too, dumbass.” I kiss him.
“What’s the notebook about?” he asks, now lying next to me, keeping me in his arms.
“It’s about the power of love and—”
“Mi sol, I mean the one on my nightstand, not the movie,” he chuckles, picking up the mint green notebook to show it to me.
“Oh.” I grin, scrunching up my nose. “I have a few letters to write. They’ll be about how much I will miss you when Sergeant Froggo has murdered you.”
Colin snatches the stuffed animal from me and throws it to the other side of the room. When I’m about to run after it, he holds me tighter, peppering my lips with kisses while hovering right over me.
“He can try, but I’m pretty much invulnerable, immortal even. For as long as you’re with me, my Lilybug.”
