“if I was dying on my knees, you would be the one to rescue me”—Brother by Kodaline
Lily
Colin is breathing heavily. His hands are shaking and I’m sure he can’t figure out if I’m really here or not.
I can’t even take it badly. I don’t think I would react much differently if I found out the person I loved died and then suddenly they’re standing right in front of me.
His eyes are locked with mine, and his muscles tense when I touch him, but he doesn’t speak.
“Colin,” I finally say. “You can believe this. It’s really me.”
I’m sure that in about five minutes, maybe ten, I will have to explain why I let him believe I died, but that’s not what I should be focusing on right now.
“Lily,” he whispers. His voice is filled with so much pain, I could actually start to cry from hearing it.
Then his forehead leans against mine and his eyes close. Colin’s arms slowly sneak around my waist and he pulls me into him. I sit on his lap, straddling him.
His grip tightens, pressing me closer to him. We stay like this for a short while.
“I need to be able to breathe if you want me alive,” I remind him. And the second those words leave my mouth, his arms loosen around my body, and he slowly inches his head away from mine.
“You’re here,” he says as if he’s just realizing it.
Colin takes a deep breath, exhaling shakily but definitely steadier than before.
“You didn’t leave, mi sol.” I’m sure at this point he’s more talking to himself than to me, but that’s alright.
“I didn’t.”
Although he’s heard me talk, felt me on his skin, his palms find my face again, cupping it as if to make sure I’m really present. He is holding my face so close to his, I can taste him.
“You’re alive?” he asks, still looking at me as if he doesn’t trust himself right now.
“I am, Colin. I am alive, and I don’t plan on dying today, or tomorrow, or for the next years.”
A tear slips from his eyes and I quickly wipe it away. He lets out another deep breath then lightly nods his head a couple of times as the realization finally settles in.
“I am so sorry about Eira, Colin,” I say. “If I had known—”
He smiles at me softly, shaking his head. “I knew she would die. It’s alright. Eira would kill me if I wasted more tears on her. She was excited to start a new adventure.”
“This is a stupid question, but are you okay?”
He looks up at the ceiling for a second, then back into my eyes. “I will be.” Then his hands leave my face, but he’s not pushing me away. That’s a good sign. “Why did you let me believe you’ve died?”
“I didn’t know when you’d be back. As much as I love Aaron, we both know he couldn’t have convinced me to stay if my mind changed again. When I woke up this morning and I was still going strong with wanting to stay alive, I needed to see my mother. I needed to tell her that she drove me this far. That because of her, because of her actions, I am way too close to make her wish come true. She didn’t even flinch when I told her I wanted to die as much as she wanted me to. All she did was stare at me with this emptiness in her eyes, the same I’m sure I’ve shown you plenty of times,” I tell him.
“Colin, I wasn’t sure if I’d come back. I wasn’t sure if I’d still be alive after I witnessed my mother still not giving a fuck about me. I could have called Aaron, probably even should have. I should have given him a sign that I’m still alive when he texted and called me a million times after he woke up. But I didn’t want to give him some hopes that I’d still be alive five minutes later.
“When I left my mother’s house, I was mad. I wasn’t sad that she didn’t care one bit about me. I was angry. I went to the arena and planted the notebook there, being sure to go through with dying. The next thing I know, I found myself in front of a mental hospital. I was sitting on the concrete in front of the building, crying, trying to find the courage to walk inside. And when it finally came…I wanted nothing more but for you to be there with me. For you to hold my hand while these people talked to me and admitted me. They asked me if I want to call someone, I said yes. I looked at my phone and saw Aaron was calling me, so I picked up. He was screaming at me, but I cut him off and told him where I was,” I explain. Colin doesn’t react much, all he does is look at me with the tiniest attempt of smile on his lips. A smile I believe to be pride and relief.
“I asked one of the women that work there if I could go home today and come back tomorrow. Of course she said no, granted, she kind of had to be worried given my state so I wasn’t too surprised. But that’s when I knew I needed more time. So I asked Aaron to mess up the house to the point where it would look like he was so desperate and frustrated when he didn’t find me. I needed more time, Colin. I wanted to be home when you came back so I could proudly tell you I’m getting the help I now want. I needed to do this on my own.”
Colin wraps his arm back around me, pulling me in for a much-needed hug. I wrap mine around his body as well, leaning the side of my head against his.
My heart aches for this man. A good kind of heartache.
“I needed to be home to tell you about the help I’m getting. I didn’t want you finding out by me being at the mental hospital already. And I needed more time to convince them to let me go. I am so, so sorry I had to hurt you so much to tell you this personally.”
I kind of expect Colin giving me a speech about how fucked up my way of thinking was, but he’s not doing that. Instead he says, “I am so proud of you, my Lilybug,” and holds me just that tiny bit closer.
“But I have to warn you, you’re stuck with me now, mi sol. For as long as you’ll have me,” he whispers and pulls away from the hug.
Tilting my head enough for his lips to easily meet with mine, he eases us into a powerful kiss that’s still gentle and loving. A kiss so good, it leaves me breathless.
When I pull back, in desperate need for some air, it’s my turn to lay my hands on his jawline. Looking deeply into his eyes, I begin to speak again. “I love you, Colin Carter. Truth be told, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be standing here anymore. You saved me, Colin.”
“Sweetheart, I’ll save you a million times more if that keeps you by my side.” His lips brush mine again, softly. “I’d burn the whole world down if that saved your life.” He takes on a slight pause, then speaks again. “But Lilybug, this wasn’t my doing. This was all you.”
“Okay, how about we try not to put our lives anywhere near the death-line? I don’t think you would survive another heart attack.”
He chuckles, pressing his lips to my forehead. “Lilybug, we both know I’ll have to survive tons of those when I’m with you. Especially with your judgmental Sergeant Froggo in my bed. That frog creeps me out when I wake up at night. I swear he stares right into my soul and debates on murdering me right there.”
I laugh, shaking my head in disbelief. “He’s a stuffed animal, dumbass. He won’t murder you.”
“Did you look at that thing? He’s so totally murderous. But if you promise to tell him to let me live, he can stay.”
“Deal.” When I press my head into the front of his shoulder, Colin rests his chin on the top of my head, caressing my back with his hands.
I’m not quite sure when my head started to tell me this is where I’m supposed to be, right in Colin’s arms. But I’m glad I finally listened.
I’m glad I finally realized that I don’t have to be alone. That there are people willingly holding their hands out to me for support, even if they can’t help.
Knowing that I don’t have to go through a dark period of time on my own is as much help as I could ever ask for.
Pain comes in all sorts of ways. Some might get hit worse, some less, but there is always pain in life.
The amount of pain doesn’t matter, pain stays pain, and it sucks. It will never leave, will always be present.
But it’s on us to decide whether or not we will let it consume us.
