“what you did boy, I’ll never forget”—Wasting All These Tears by Cassadee Pope
Colin
Just like Lily has told me—two times by now—I drive back home.
My BMW is still parked outside of the arena, but I don’t care enough to even try to find out why that is. I just go with believing Lily left it here as a sign she’s been here.
But I can’t help thinking about where she died. How she died. Was it painful? Did she jump off a bridge? A building? Did she overdose?
Not sure why I feel the need to know all that, but I do. And for some reasons my brain has a hard time believing she’s truly gone.
With every person that died in my life, I’ve seen the evidence for it. I’ve seen their lifeless bodies, hell, I watched my sister die.
I watched as Eira’s weak smile slowly faded and her last breath drew out of her lungs. I could feel her muscles loosen up. I witnessed the moment she left us.
I may not have seen Aiden die, but I saw his lifeless body. I had proof of his death.
It sort of makes sense that my brain refuses to believe the only woman I ever loved, the only woman to ever bring light into my life died.
When I get back home, I’m startled for a second.
The living room, the same that looked like a complete mess one and a half hours ago, is completely tidied up.
The couch is back in its usual place. The floor is cleaner as it has ever been. The barstools are by the kitchen island. Even the TV is no longer broken. It’s as if the mess I’ve seen before never happened.
Was I hallucinating before? Is that a thing? Hallucinating from anxiety? Hallucinating from fear of having lost the most important person in one’s life?
This time I don’t call out for Aaron. I can’t face him right now. I can’t tell him his sister has died. My presence without her would be the confirmation.
Her body wasn’t there. She’s been taken care of already.
Did Aaron find her? No, that can’t be. He would have told me she’s dead already, right?
What do I know?
I don’t care enough to think about this any longer. I’ll just be waiting for an announcement from the school that states a student has passed away and we’re all invited to a ceremony to say goodbye, a get-together to grief.
Can’t wait.
I head upstairs, needing nothing more but to take a long shower and…cross that. Needing nothing but to crawl into my bed and cry to the smell of Lily that is hopefully still on my bedsheets.
My bedroom is completely tidied up…and some of the clothes Lily left on my floor when I left two days ago are in my laundry basket. This means, either Lily put them away before she passed away, or the mess I’ve seen before wasn’t me hallucinating after all.
Either way, that’s not of much importance right now.
To my surprise, when I inhale, I’m greeted with a strong scent that is Lily. It’s not even faded. She sure has a strong perfume.
Or she was in here shortly before she left, and her scent just didn’t escape this room yet.
But I could swear I didn’t smell her this heavily when I entered this room earlier. To be fair, I also didn’t pay much attention to the way my room smelled in the hurry I was in.
I look at my perfectly made bed, feeling the sting in my heart, even more so when I see that damn frog on my bed.
Staring at it for a moment, I sigh deeply and walk over to Sergeant Froggo. Although that frog creeps me out, I grab him and press him to my chest as I take a seat on my bed.
God, this frog smells so much like her. I miss her. I miss her so much, it’s ridiculous.
When I cross my legs and go to stare at my door, I notice something on my bed. Something that I’m sure wasn’t here before.
My eyebrows draw together as I look at the green envelope with a frog face on it.
In a matter of seconds, I have the envelope in my hands, opening it carefully so I wouldn’t ruin it. I’ll keep this stupid envelope forever.
Taking out a couple of papers, I stare at them for a short while before I find the courage to read.
Dear Colin Baby,
they say time heals all wounds…
they were wrong.
But you know what they don’t tell you?
You don’t need wounds to heal when there is tape.
You didn’t heal me, Colin…but you sure as hell held—hold—me together.
You’re the medicine that’s making pain disappear. You’re the antidote to the poison in my life.
I get it, Colin. I finally understand.
Everyone fights demons.
Everyone struggles in their own ways.
When I hit rock bottom, on the verge of giving up…I’ve been sent someone to—not to show me the most beautiful places—but to show me that I don’t have to fight my demons on my own.
You know how people tend to give advice but don’t practice what they preach?
I figured out why that is.
We think we have to fight on our own. That we’re a burden to anyone we ask for help.
And yet, we don’t think of someone as a burden when we’re asked for advice.
In fact, we always give the best advice, yet never find the courage to get some ourselves.
They got their advice, their help. And we’re still struggling, thinking we’re not worthy of help.
But we are.
My past will always be my past. But that’s where it is…in the past.
I will always carry the scars, they’ll never fade. But that doesn’t mean I have to keep the wounds open.
I have the choice to put some tape over it.
Sure, tape eventually opens back up, but there’s always more tape.
Maybe it’s not the healthiest way to deal with pain, but it still seals the wound.
The kind of wounds I have…they won’t disappear.
It’s always going to be a part of me, but it’s in my hands how much tape I use to cover those open wounds up with.
Maybe I’ll get some stitches, they’ll heal eventually.
I want to heal.
I want to tape my past away and move on, become the happiest version of myself as I can be.
I don’t have to be happy at all times, I get that now.
I want to be alive, Colin.
Even if you won’t stay in my life after this day…
you’ll always be the person that saved me. The person that loved me back to life.
The person that showed me that there is happiness in cruelty, that there is light in the darkness.
No matter what will happen between the both of us, please know;
I will always think highly of you.
You’re the only person that ever tried to understand me. The only person that dug deeper and tried to make me happy.
You wanted to understand how I felt, and you tried your very best to accept my feelings rather than tell me they’re not valid because I have no reason to feel the way I do.
So, thank you, Colin. For Trying. For being there. For understanding.
Thank. You.
Lily
I hastily turn each page to hopefully find more. But there’s nothing more she’s written.
“So, they say time heals all wounds, Colin…”—I look up, my breath getting caught in my lungs—“maybe they were right. You taught me that wounds can’t heal when I keep stabbing them. Maybe it’ll leave a scar, reopen at some point…but all that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because life is too precious to give it up too early. Just when I thought I’ve been through with it, when I gave up on life…you happened. You threw my whole world upside down and for what? Apparently there’s always at least one thing to hold onto…you happen to be mine.”
“Lily,” I breathe out shakily. I remain seated on the bed, frozen, not knowing whether she’s truly here or not.
Lily has a fainted smile on her lips as she walks closer to me. With every step she takes, I stiffen more and more. If this is a dream, I will hate myself the second I wake up.
Then my mattress dips slightly as she takes a seat right next to me. This is a very realistic dream.
Her hands brush my skin, wiping away some of my tears. Her touch is so gentle, it’s like this is only the ghost of her. What if it is?
