“I’ll remind you of the world and it’s wonder”—Wait for you by Tom Walker
Colin
Because I’m so good with taking advice, I didn’t call Aaron.
Calling him seemed unfitting. Sure, I could have asked where Lily was at, if she’s still staying at our house or if she went back to her dorm. But I feared that bringing up more questions.
At least I sent him a text saying I’d be home in approximately an hour…but that was seventy minutes ago.
I’m standing in front of our house, too anxious to walk inside.
As of now, I have no idea whether or not Lily is still alive. The second I walk in there, I’ll receive an answer to a question I’m not sure I’m ready to get.
If I walk in there and Aaron is devasted, Lily has died. If he’s unbothered, she might still be alive, or she hasn’t been found yet.
Great, either I will know she’s dead for sure or I’ll still be in the dark about it.
After a short moment of hesitation, I take a deep breath, unlock the door and walk inside.
I can barely keep the air inside my lungs when I notice the wrecked-up state our house is in.
The barstools are lying on the floor in various positions, none of them standing by the kitchen island. Our sofa isn’t in its usual position either. It’s turned upside down and looks like someone took a hell lot of anger out on it. The TV is broken. The screen is now covered with what looks like two to three punch holes. Counter decorations, papers, pieces of broken glass are splattered all over the floor. It genuinely looks like this house has been met with a tornado.
“Aaron?” I yell out as I don’t see him in the living room.
Silence.
Maybe he didn’t hear me, so I call out for him again. This time I hear his bedroom door open, shortly before footsteps sound through the room as he makes his way downstairs.
The second I can get a glimpse of him, my heart shatters.
He looks awful. His shirt is ripped from what looks like being pulled on too strongly. His hair is messy and standing in various directions. His eyes are red and puffy, just like his nose and cheeks, his face tear stained.
I can see his hands ball into fists as he sees me, but he loosens them up soon enough and starts to sob.
His legs begin to tremble, a shaking hand finding to his mouth as he falls down to his knees. His shoulders hake as he lets out painful cries.
“She’s gone, Colin.” His voice is nothing but a whisper.
My heart breaks for the second time in a couple of days, and as shitty as it sounds, this time it hurts even more as to when I watched Eira take her last breath and close her eyes for all of eternity.
“I couldn’t keep her,” he cries.
I would make my way over to him, but I can’t. I’m frozen on the spot. I can’t seem to find the strength to move just one bit.
“I had this whole plan and she looked right through it,” he hiccups. “She left a note for you…it’s in your room.”
Once the words leave his mouth, I sprint upstairs, leaving Aaron by himself. I’m such a shitty best friend, but I also don’t really care at this moment.
My room is just as wretched as the rest of the house. Everything looks upside down. Aaron has been in here, throwing stuff around, breaking my own personal belongings. And the worst bit, I can’t even blame him for it.
I find a piece of paper lying on my desk, the only part of my room that doesn’t look like I’ve thrown ten parties in one day.
I pick it up, finding Lily’s handwriting.
I am so sorry we didn’t see each other again.
I’ll be where it all started.
Make of it what you will.
Lily
Great. Not only did I lose Lily as well, but she also made a fucking riddle for me to find her dead body…because seeing her dead body is exactly what I need.
I know I’ve promised I’d take care of the letters, but never did I truly believe it would come this far. And never did I allow myself to think I would be the one to make the call to get her body transported out of the room she had died in.
I don’t know what I imagined it would be like, but it wasn’t that. Not at all.
I’ll be where it all started.
What the hell does that even mean?
There are at least ten different places.
The hospital she was born in (I doubt it’s that one); her childhood home, the place where she had to say goodbye to Aaron and her father to; the ice rink…
The. Ice. Rink.
The hockey arena is the only place near that would truly connect to anything to her life.
The ice. The place where her passion begun. The place where she will end her life to reconnect with it.
I run downstairs. Maybe she isn’t dead yet. Maybe if I hurry up and by the time I get there, she is still breathing. I only have to call an ambulance, get her help, pray to God she will survive.
“What time did Lily leave?” Words rush out of me, faster than ever before. Aaron is still on his knees, crying.
He barely acknowledges me, but I can’t blame him for that either.
“I couldn’t make out that riddle, Colin,” he speaks through sobs.
“I have my bets on the hockey arena. When did she leave?”
His eyes meet mine, breaking my heart all over again. I never thought seeing my best friend heartbroken would hurt me the way it does. I never thought it could punch me in the guts and force me to swallow my own vomit that’s wanting to come out.
“During the night,” he says quietly. “We talked and she promised we would get her help first thing this morning. I made her stay in my room with me…but when I woke up, she was gone.”
“What the fuck, dude!” I have no right to yell, I’m fully aware of it. Yet I can’t suppress my urge to do so anyway. “Why didn’t you get her help right when you found out!”
I’m praying he doesn’t know I knew about her condition. But of course he does. “Because you have room to talk.” He scoffs, chuckling ironically. “Why didn’t you?”
“I had no right to,” I answer truthfully. It doesn’t even matter if I had the right to or not, I still should have done it. “She was no one to me. I couldn’t have cared less if she died or not. I didn’t even know she was related to you.”
“Well, you got to know her, and you still didn’t get her the help she needed.”
Fighting about this now won’t bring her back either, so instead of saying anything, I walk out the door, sprinting to my car and probably driving like a maniac toward the arena.
I don’t look back.
The parking lot is empty, completely empty. Except for one car. My BMW. She’s here.
This is a big arena, she could be anywhere. By the time I find her, she’s probably already dead…if she isn’t already.
She’s not on the ice itself, that much I can tell by just walking inside and having a great view of the ice. It’s empty.
This whole arena seems empty, and so much colder than usual.
I go to check the locker room next, when it’s empty, I check the shower room—also empty. So is the other locker room.
Before I go to check the upper half of the arena, I have one more seat to check.
I didn’t see blonde hair anywhere before, but that doesn’t mean she’s not lying on the floor somewhere.
Running to the other side of the arena, to the seat I first found Lily two weeks ago, I’m more or less surprised to find a mint green notebook lying on the seat.
The notebook of horror.
The very same that is going to make my heart ache a million times more.
She planted it here. That means I’m too late. Lily just placed the notebook down to keep me occupied so her death is even more guaranteed.
I mean, God forbid me finding her still breathing.
This girl had her death planned out for weeks, there was never a chance for me to save her.
I drop myself down on the seat beside the notebook, sliding my hands down my face while letting out a long, pain-filled groan.
Grabbing the notebook, I take a deep breath, slowly opening it.
This book is all I have left from her.
Wouldn’t even be surprised if she didn’t leave a letter for me.
Oh God, the letters. I promised her I would make sure they’ll get to everyone.
That’s not what I should worry about right now. I have to read it. Everything.
I have to understand why her mind didn’t change…and maybe I’ll come across a glimpse of hope she had at least once.
I don’t skim over the pages. I read every single one with care.
My heart breaks just a little more with every new page, finding out how much pain this woman truly carried within her.
By the time I come to the more recent ones, I notice a lack of something.
Letters.
The last one I’ve come across was dedicated to her mother. That one is good twenty (or even more) pages back now. Judging from her previous pattern, she had a new letter every ten to twelve pages.
So where the hell is Aaron’s letter?
Dear Colin Baby,
That’s new.
they say time heals all wounds…
they were wrong.
As you already know, this is my unalive journey 101.
The book that will break a couple of people’s hearts.
At least that’s what I told myself.
I told myself that there are at least three people out there that truly love me.
You want to know who these people are?
Yeah, I’m sure you do. But I’m not in a rush right now, so I’ll keep you waiting and take my sweet time before telling you.
By the way, no, this is not your letter. You deserve a better one than this. I still wanted to address this to you.
You left me today.
I’m not sure why, and you’re not answering any of my texts or calls.
I’m worried about you.
I’m worried you got into an accident and you’re lying somewhere on the side of the road, dying.
I’m worried you will never come back to me.
I’m worried I’ll never see you again.
I was mad when you left me. At least for a short while.
I was so mad because you dropped this huge “I’m in love with you”-bomb and then you ran away before I had the chance to respond.
I couldn’t even say goodbye or tell you to drive safely.
Aaron told me something happened back at home, which only increased my worry-level.
You didn’t tell me what was going on, where you had to go to or why you had to leave in the first place.
It’s not that you have to tell me anything, but right at this moment, right after you dropped that bomb on me…I felt like I deserved at least that much of an insight in your head.
Anyway, I can’t be mad at you.
A couple of hours after you left, Aaron got home. I was still crying, the very same as I did when you left me.
Of course I couldn’t hide my tears from my brother, so we talked.
Or he talked.
You know Aaron, he loves to talk.
My talkative brother has of no importance right now.
Actually, he does.
He knows.
He knew from the day he gave me back this notebook. He read it, just like you did.
Aaron knows of my desire to die.
Now you may think “then why the hell wasn’t he trying to get you some help?!”
The same question aims at you, Colin.
Why the hell didn’t you get me some help?
I know I made you promise not to.
But you said you loved me, yet you still risked my death so you wouldn’t break a promise.
You had the chance to give this book to the counselor, anonymously. He would have been forced to speak to me and get me some help. And all that before you offered me those nine days.
Before you devoted nine days of your life to me.
Maybe this is wishful thinking…
but I’d like to think you’re a little bit selfish when it comes to me.
I’d like to think that you’d rather have me all to yourself or nobody is allowed to have me at all.
That means, if I don’t fall in love with you, the way you fell in love with me…you don’t want me to be alive, so I don’t get the chance to fall in love with anyone else. Anyone that is not you.
But that would also mean you would have fallen in love with me way before we even truly knew one another.
Maybe it was love at first sight on your part, but we all know it really wasn’t.
Anyway, that might also seem a bit…asshole-like.
You’re not an asshole.
You did nothing wrong, Colin.
You did as I asked you to. You didn’t get me the help I didn’t want. And I am grateful for that.
Although you might have lost me in exchange for your silence.
Aaron also knew of my depression going deeper than…surface level.
Just like you, he had no idea how to deal with it.
Unlike you, he had no idea how to approach me and ask me what he could do to help me.
You helped me. Or tried to at least.
The past seven days were the most fun days I’ve had in a very long time.
I’m saying seven days because I’m not sure we can count day one as day one.
Day one: The day I had a panic attack in one of our school’s hallways.
You took me home with you, let me meet your siblings, your mother.
I have to admit, that was weird for me.
A guy, the hockey team captain, taking me home when he didn’t even know me. And I didn’t know him either, not in the slightest.
Yet even that day was fun.
Day two: You took me to watch the sunrise. I never liked sunrises, never thought they’d be anything close to miraculously beautiful. Yet you proved me wrong.
Sunrises are amazing.
Day three: Coffee tasting. Hell, that was some fun.
Especially the part when you dead-ass let your teammates, and friends, drink the cold coffees that you spit into.
Not only did we find a place, our place, we had tons of fun together. Driving around and tasting coffees.
I never would have thought tasting coffees would be enjoyable.
Day four: we stayed at your parents’ house. Over night. I was scared shitless. It was weird, but I was still so excited. After the night before…I felt like our relationship had shifted.
And you only proved that when you told me to harm you if I feel like harming myself.
The words you said to me…Colin, they were the most pain-filled and most loving words I’ve ever heard.
“You can have a death wish all you want, but if you’re going to hurt yourself, you’ll hurt me too.”
I hurt you. With every new day.
I didn’t know friends wouldn’t say things like that. Not a normal friend would offer their skin in exchange for your own.
And you also tried to understand me…You could never imagine how much that meant to me.
Day five: My birthday. You met my mother. You were there when she told me to die.
And what did you make out of it?
You took me to a plate smashing place.
You gave me the chance to let go of my anger, let go of words that hurt me.
When I wished for you to be happy, to find a girlfriend that loves you unconditionally. Someone to be alongside you when I can’t be there anymore. The plate didn’t break.
Colin, do you believe in miracles? In the universe sending signs?
What if the plate didn’t break because the wish wasn’t supposed to be granted?
What if you’re not supposed to find a new girlfriend.
Now that sounds awful. I’m sorry.
What if the plate didn’t break because the universe was trying to tell me, or us, that there won’t be any unconditional love when it’s not me?
Wishful thinking round two?
Also…you were right. I’m totally digging frogs.
Day six: We stayed home because of my panic attack that paralyzed me for a short while.
You know what you did?
You went to get Sergeant Froggo for me, because earlier that day I told you I couldn’t sleep without him.
You drove a whole fifteen minutes to the dorms, broke into mine, only to get a stuffed animal for me to be able to sleep.
Day seven: The pumpkin patch. That was something. Not that it was very interesting, but watching a couple of tall as fuck hockey players walk through a pumpkin patch, trying not to step on the tinier ones…it was art. I wish I videotaped that.
Carving those pumpkins and rating each one…the laughs that came out of me were unbelievable. God, when Miles almost cried because I rated Ezra’s mouth better than his. It was incredible.
We don’t talk about the chocolate tasting. I refuse to think about almost losing you.
Day eight: Ice skating.
Is there any more to add to this?
I loved it. Every single part of it. The whole three hours the three of us spent playing some games on the ice. Even the part when Eira made me teach you how to do a “not awful-looking” jump.
I’ll never forget it.
Thank you for giving this to me.
Day nine: You told me you loved me.
Do we finally get to the three people that I think truly love me?
One being my father. You can imagine why. He’s my father, the man that paid for my dreams, my education. He took care of me even when my mother was supposed to do that most of the time.
Then there is Aaron. It’s self-explanatory. He’s my brother. The guy that stuck with me when I thought we weren’t allowed to.
The very guy that held my hand when I was too afraid to go to the toilet late at night because it was dark, and we were eight years old.
Yup, I’d say he has some love for me after doing that.
And the third person being you, Colin.
Not only were you the first and only guy to ever say those words to me (apart from Aaron and my father, but you know, it’s a different kind of love). You were also the first guy I felt something back for.
You didn’t give me the chance to reply, but honestly, even if you had, I probably wouldn’t have known what to say.
Colin, you said it yourself. You took me on dates. You loved me as an attempt to save me.
Not saying your love is platonic and solely based on whether or not you managed to keep me alive.
You showed me what love is.
You showed me that I don’t have to be alone. That I’m not alone.
Now, I think love needs more time than nine days to properly develop…but our hearts were in a rush. Our days were numbered.
Of course, the love part would try and sneak in way faster.
I’m glad it did.
At least now I’ve heard it before.
Also, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. You deserve better than that.
Colin, I’m not here. I’m not at the arena where you found this notebook (hopefully this is you reading).
Go back home. My body has been taken care of already.
Lily
Fuck putting up the cold-hearted man.
How could I possibly not cry after the woman I love basically just told me all about how she loved me in form of a diary entry, without even directly saying it?
And all that while I know this is her goodbye.
Fighting against the urge to skip right to the end to hopefully find the letter that’s truly meant for me only, I turn to the next page.
It’s empty.
Maybe she just missed a page, it happens.
Not thinking much of it, I turn to the next page.
Empty.
So I turn another, and another, and probably another couple of pages. All of them empty.
I skip to the last page and my heart skips a beat…or two.
Dear Colin Baby,
I told you to go home. There is nothing more to find here.
I never managed to continue writing after day six.
Somewhere along the way you had me thinking I could actually do it. You had me thinking I could live, that maybe life doesn’t need to be painless.
When you gave me time to truly think about everything…I concluded that life truly doesn’t have to be perfect, that it doesn’t have to be painless…
but I’ve been too burnt to continue to live anyway.
Lily
