Oops.
I fucked that jump up hardcore.
At the time it seemed right. Quick. Easy. Painless. The perfect tragic and messy ending. The bird was talking to me again. He hadn’t for a while, but then he showed up—when I was exhausted and strung out on uppers and downers and all-arounders. He sat on my shoulder and watched me read all the comments online about what a coward I am. How I’ve wrecked the band. How the fans hate me. How pathetic I am.
I was a fool to think life was going good. Was I really stupid enough to think I could just leave the band, marry my girl, escape everything, and live happily ever after?
I shoulda known I couldn’t go quietly.
Then the bird started.
It’s time to end the madness, Blue.
It’s way overdue.
You can’t escape. They won’t let you.
You don’t have to hurt anymore.
Nobody loves you. I do, though.
Everyone else hates you. You’re a disappointment. A quitter. A freak.
Piper and Lyric will be embarrassed of you. You’ll be a has-been.
Remember when it was just you and me? Remember how good it was?
Come up here. Near the trees. You can fly!
You can be free!
And here I am, all fucked up, numbed out on approved medication. Another failure to add to my list of many. I feel sick and cut open like someone put a window in me and they’re all looking inside—seeing the river of disease in my veins. Everyone knows my secrets now.
I sorta feel relieved—for the same reason. Because everyone knows the real me now.
I don’t have to hide anymore. It’s been exhausting.
They’ll take care of me now. They’ll let me rest. Maybe they can make it all stop.
Is that even possible? To make it all stop?
Reece is standing near the door, the next in line after the sister I barely know. I laugh at how she calls herself family. Like that title gives her special privileges. I remember you, Ellie. I watched you leave.
I force myself to stop laughing, because judgmental eyes are everywhere.
“You look like shit,” I tell Reece.
He smirks. “So do you.”
“Turns out I can’t fly.”
“Did you think you could?” he asks, sitting in the chair next to the bed. He’s not wearing shoes and his feet look strangely comforting here in soft white socks.
“The bird said I could. He said I could fly out of this world and get away from all the shit that hurts.”
“We’ve talked about the bird before. You know he’s not real.”
“I know. But this time, he seemed really real.”
He nods like this is normal and I’m not a level-ten lunatic. That’s what best friends do.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? Haven’t I always helped you? You know you can talk to me.”
“I don’t know. I thought I was okay.”
“You’re going to get some help now, Ev.”
I nod and a pain shoots up the back of my skull and radiates to my forehead. I blink away the stars that scatter in my vision.
“Piper wants to see you.”
This time the pain knifes through my chest like a dagger straight to my heart.
“No.”
“She’s really upset. I think you should just let her see you for a minute, so she can see for herself that you’re okay.”
“No. I don’t want her seeing me like this.” I turn away from him and pain sears through my entire body. My brain hurts.
My heart hurts.
“C’mon, Blue. Don’t do this to her.”
The guard in the corner throws Reece a warning look.
Don’t poke the crazy person. He might jump out the window.
I take a deep breath and my ribs scream in agony.
Every bit of pain well deserved.
“Will you give her a message for me? Since I’m not allowed to use a pen or pencil to write?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Tell her I want her to go home.”
“Blue…” He closes his eyes, but not before I catch the disappointment shadowing them, and he slowly shakes his head. “Don’t do this.”
“Tell her I love her and Lyric, but my head is way too fucked with fuckedupness.”
He glares at me like I’m an unruly brat. “Do you think she doesn’t already know that? She doesn’t care if your head is fucked. She loves you. Plain and simple. You need her now more than ever. Don’t fuckin’ push her away.”
“I don’t want to see her.”
No way can I see the pain in her eyes from what I’ve done to her. The jump didn’t kill me, but seeing what I’ve done to her will make me want to try it again, do it right this time, just to escape the unbearable guilt that’s eating at me like maggots. I never thought I’d have to face the people I left behind and have to witness their pain and confusion up close and personal. The bird didn’t tell me that, that little fuck. Like Reece with his dark analyzing eyes and his disappointed scowl. And Ellie with her ‘I saw this coming’ face. I don’t need to see Piper to know what I’ll see in her. Heartache. Betrayal. Utter fear. Denial. Love’s regret.
All because of me.
My little elf-like fiancée will spend days searching the internet and will transform herself into a nurse and psychotherapist in less than a week. She’ll make it her life’s goal to try to help me and I can’t let her do that. I love her too much to put her through all that. I can’t let her lose herself trying to find me.
All I’ve ever wanted since the day I met her is to be a real man to her. Someone who could take care of her. But that’s never been the way it is.
She’s already fixed me as much as she possibly can. More than I thought she ever could. She’s the glue that held all my jagged cracks together, and I love her endlessly for it. Unfortunately, I’ve always known that eventually I’d break myself all over again and she’d be left with nothing but pieces.
