Ditra is waiting for me at the airport. As soon as she puts her arms around me in the baggage claim area, I start crying uncontrollably. Again.
I had a total breakdown when Reece told me Blue didn’t want to see me. I jumped on the nearest elevator, ran down the hallway, and tried to get past the six-foot-three guard standing watch in front of Blue’s private room. The guard literally picked me up with one hand and carried me, crying, screaming, and begging, to the nurses’ station.
I could have easily been mistaken for an escaped patient myself. It was that bad. I trembled uncontrollably. My teeth chattered. My heart pounded and raced dangerously fast. My legs wobbled, my head became light, and I started to hyperventilate as Reece tried to gently guide me back to the elevator. Just as the doors opened, I collapsed, and I woke up some time later in a room of my own. I was diagnosed with a major panic attack episode, pumped full of sedatives for three days, had a visit with a psychiatrist, and was released with a prescription for anxiety meds.
After all that, I still wasn’t allowed to see Blue. A part of me was hoping Reece would tell him that I’d become unhinged and he would want to comfort me. Of course the rational side of my brain understood Reece couldn’t tell him, but it didn’t change the fact that I was scared and heartbroken and just wanted the man I love to show me that he was still alive and still loved me. I desperately needed him to take all the anger, fear, and heartache away.
Instead I ended up like him, lying in a bed wishing I could escape it all and just go to sleep forever. Fortunately, I snapped out of it within seventy-two hours.
Blue didn’t.
Reece made my flight arrangements. Ellie made Blue’s transfer arrangements.
And here I am, back in New Hampshire, crying at the airport.
Once upon a time, I only cried watching Titanic and other sad movies. What happened to that girl?
“It’s okay,” Ditra soothes, stroking my hair. I wish I could believe her, but I don’t think anything is okay and it might never be.
As much as I missed Lyric, I’m glad Ditra didn’t bring her to the airport to pick me up. I’m sure she knew I’d be a mess and would need some time to pull myself together once I stepped off the plane.
“I’m so sorry, Piper,” Ditra says when we get in the car. “I know this isn’t how you wanted things to go.”
“That’s a massive understatement,” I reply, digging a small pack of tissues out of her glove box.
“So he wouldn’t even see you or talk to you? Nothing?”
“Nope. The only person he’ll talk to is Reece.”
She pulls out of the airport and cuts off a driver in a blue truck, who flips us off. Dee is totally oblivious, and just keeps talking.
“What are you going to do?”
“What can I do? My hands are tied. He doesn’t want to talk to me, and now he’s been transferred to a full-time psychiatric treatment facility for the rich and famous.”
“I don’t know…maybe it’s time to just let this go,” she says hesitatingly.
I turn to look at her, but her eyes are glued on the road. “Let go of what?”
“Him. The relationship. All of it.”
“What?”
“Piper, you’ve been up and down with this guy for like fifteen years. Every time you think things are good, it all comes crashing down. But this? This is really just…beyond comprehension.” I open my mouth to interrupt her but she just keeps on talking. “He threw himself off a freakin’ roof. You said they found drugs in his bloodwork and in his room.”
“Not drug drugs, Ditra. They were prescriptions. That’s totally different!”
She gives me the wicked side-eye. “Okay, Piper, but he’s not supposed to be mixing them all up into a cocktail. I know you love him, but this guy has got some serious issues that can’t be ignored anymore. It’s worse than we even thought. He’s not just some random homeless guy turned rock star who has a drug and alcohol problem. Now we find out he’s got a lifelong history of some kind of mental illness.”
“Don’t say it like that!” I sob. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“You have to hear it. This is the father of your child. You have to think about her.”
“Of course I’m thinking about her!”
“Do you really want someone like that near your daughter? Or in your life? Is this honestly the type of guy you want to marry and have kids with? When the hell does it end with him? I’m not even involved with him and I’m exhausted and just done with it all. I can’t even imagine what you must feel like. And now he won’t even see you or talk to you? He just lays this epic bomb on you and then hides? Fuck that!”
I want to throttle her for her harsh comments but I know she loves me and is genuinely worried about me so I refrain from smacking her upside the head. Reece and I talked about this before I left. We knew most people wouldn’t be supportive or understanding. I just wasn’t expecting to have to deal with this kind of reaction so soon.
After I give myself a moment to calm down, I fix my runny eyeliner with a tissue and then attempt to talk to her without screaming and crying.
“First of all, he didn’t do any of this on purpose, Dee. He’s not trying to hurt me. I believe that with every part of myself. And he’s not hiding, he’s sick. Now he can be properly evaluated and diagnosed—for the first time in his life, I might add. The doctors are very optimistic that with the right medication and treatment, he’ll get better and hopefully won’t have these episodes anymore. I mean, even without treatment, he’s led a pretty productive and functional life. So with treatment, he should be okay.”
“Well, Jesus, I really hope so, but what if he’s not?”
“Please try to understand how hard this is for me. You’re right—I’m exhausted. I’m confused out of my mind. I feel betrayed; I feel like I failed him. I’m upset he won’t see me but I also understand that he feels awful and he needs time to come to grips with what he’s feeling before he can deal with what I’m feeling. This is about him right now. He’s sick, and he needs to get better. I have to deal with my feelings about it separate from him.”
“But how is that fair for you? Isn’t this almost abusive? You get your heart broken and now what? What happens to your wedding plans? You’re just in limbo now? Left to be an emotional mess all by yourself? I’m sorry, Piper, but I don’t like this at all. I feel bad he’s sick but damn, you do not need or deserve this at all, and neither does Lyric. What are you going to tell her now that he’s going to be out of her life for who knows how long while he’s at some glorified spa?”
That’s another hurdle that I’ve sat up at night thinking about.
“I’m going to tell her he’s touring with the band and it’s taken longer than we thought. I’ll have to take it one day at a time with her. The last thing I want to do is turn her against him in any way. Reece thinks that when Blue is feeling better that hopefully he’ll call her and keep their communication and relationship going. She doesn’t have to know where he really is.”
“Hello? She’s not a baby anymore. She reads. She goes online. She’s going to find out what happened eventually. Some web sites are already speculating and spreading rumors.”
My breath catches in my throat. “What? Already? Are you serious?”
She nods. “Yeah. Billy has been watching to see if anything popped up and a few of the rock music forums have some threads started. I think he said right now they’re saying he’s in rehab and had a meltdown after announcing the break-up of the band, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they dig up the truth. They always do.”
“Shit.” I lean my head into my palm. “I can’t believe this.”
“This is what I’m saying. Is all this really worth it? Do you really want this to be your life? Don’t you want nice and calm and….” She pauses and struggles for words. “Normal? No insanity? Like me and Billy have? You guys aren’t married. You can still leave him and no one would blame you at all. You’re allowed to walk away, Piper.”
My blood is close to boiling from her hammering. She will never understand that leaving Blue is not even an option in my mind.
The buildings and trees outside blur by as we drive past, and I stare at them in a daze. That’s how my life feels right now, like a dizzy blur, everything just fading into each other with no clear beginning or end. Ditra is right that I’m in a limbo. I hate it, and I wish I could change it, but I also have come to terms with it.
This is my life—the life I share with Blue.
“I love him, Ditra. That’s all there is to it. I don’t need to say the vows, they’ve been in my heart forever. Better or worse, sickness and in health—whatever life throws at us. I’m in it one thousand percent.”
“I think you’re totally crazy….” She shakes her head and glances over at me. “But I also respect the hell out of you, too. I just hope you’re okay through all this. I kinda love you, ya know.”
“Then just be here for me, Dee,” I almost beg. “Don’t bash Blue, or my feelings for him. Just be my friend, please. That’s what I need.”
She reaches across the car and grabs my hand, squeezing it hard in hers. She lets out a long sigh as she stares out at the road in front of us.
“Fine. If that’s what you want, you got it. I don’t want to lose you,” she says softly. “But I have one request. I want you to see a therapist. I’ll go with you if you want. I just think we have to take care of you, too, because it’s not just about him. You matter just as much. He’s not the only one messed up here, Piper. You are, too, and it’s been building up for a long time. Lyric needs at least one of her parents to be mentally stable.”
I nod in agreement, afraid to speak because a flood of tears is threatening to come pouring out.
