At Sea
I tapped my pencil on the desk and looked out over the Laccadive Sea as students filtered into the classroom. The floor-to-ceiling windows were incredible. The whole ship, the experience, was phenomenal.
Except for the six-foot-four Adonis who’d just walked into my classroom. Of course he had a blonde batting her eyelashes up at him as he shut the door on the cameraman who had almost followed him in.
I’d nearly made an utter asshat of myself this morning when he landed on the back deck. For that moment, he’d been Landon and we’d been us, and it had all seemed so easy to slip back into that routine. Good thing the leggy brunette latched onto him and broke whatever spell I’d been under.
He had a kind of magnetism that changed the entire atmosphere around him, and I was drawn to him just like before, no different than every other girl on this damn ship. The chemistry between us I could handle, but these memories sucked. I jerked my eyes away from him, but not before I noticed how perfectly his shirt draped over his frame, or the way his cargo shorts hung on his ass. Ugh. How had he managed to get hotter in the last couple of years? He’d lost every trace of the boy he’d been, and all that was left was ridiculously handsome, hard, chiseled man.
“Hi, Nova. Nice stunt today,” the girl behind me said with a soft sigh.
Help me, dear sweet Lord.
He gave her a tight smile but bent in front of my desk. “Rachel.”
I met those hazel eyes and simply arched one of my eyebrows as my heart accelerated to a gallop. I was not talking to him, not opening any form of dialogue that would make a single part of me vulnerable to him. Hell no, you didn’t let the arsonist play with matches.
“Come on,” he begged softly.
It felt like ripping off a Band-Aid slowly, but I managed to look away. I was here to learn, not to deal with Landon.
He sighed, and I nearly cheered in victory when he stood, but then he took the desk next to mine and sat down. Seriously? The guy hadn’t come near me in years and now he had to sit right next to me?
Then he popped the top on a Red Bull and I almost laughed. At least it wasn’t a Gremlin. Watching him suck down one of the energy drinks made by the company my dad worked for would have been too ironic—even if it was the reason we originally met.
“It’s not going to work,” he said, turning in his seat to face me.
I kept my eyes on the professor, who was walking toward the podium.
“I get that you’re still trying to ignore me. It’s okay, I get it. I fucked up in more ways than I can possibly explain. But I don’t need you to talk to me. I just need you to listen.”
My entire body tensed. Was he saying he was sorry?
Don’t fall for his shit again. You’re not that stupid.
Rubbing the wrist I’d broken years ago, I sagged in my chair with relief when the professor started talking.
“Good morning, class,” the red-haired woman said. She looked to be in her midthirties and wore a stylish safari dress and cute wedges. “Welcome back to Cultures of the Pacific 310. I hope you enjoyed your brief break. This is your reminder to check your syllabus for due dates and pay particular attention to when your research paper is due. It’s on a topic of your choice, but it must be approved by me.”
I opened my notebook and then cursed under my breath. I’d forgotten my pen. Nothing like being unprepared.
“What’s wrong?” Hugo asked, leaning over slightly from my other side.
“I forgot my pen,” I whispered.
“No problem,” he answered quickly, reaching into his binder. I’d only known him a week, but I was immensely thankful for him. Being Leah’s butler the last three months as part of his work-study, he’d taken care of my best friend when I couldn’t. He handed me a pencil with a quick smile.
“Thank you,” I said as a pen landed on my desk.
“You hate pencils,” Landon whispered.
Every muscle in my body locked as my eyes fixated on the blue Bic. How did he remember that?
“You can ignore the pen all you want, but then you’ll just get those giant gray marks along your hand that drive you nuts, and your notes will smudge. Your choice.”
God, he didn’t just remember that I hated pencils, he remembered why.
“It’s just a pen, Rach. Not a contract.”
Like the one you left me holding when I signed that lease.
I debated shunning the damned pen for all of thirty seconds, but when argued against having smudged notes that I wouldn’t be able to read, I gave Hugo back his pencil and picked up the pen.
I focused all of my attention on what Dr. Messina said, taking copious notes, but I felt each and every time Landon’s gaze shifted toward me. There was still a palpable connection between us, as if my body remembered his significance, or maybe just what he was capable of doing with it. Ignoring him had to be like when I’d given up processed sugar.
That first day had been torture. That first week? Agony.
But then I got used to it being gone until I’d learned not to miss it.
Yeah, but you’ve been missing him for the last couple of years.
Years of wondering at what point he’d decided to leave me. Years of wondering if the insane chemistry between us—the undeniable craving to be close to each other—was something I’d imagined. It’s not. Feel that energy between you, that hum that’s ready to be cranked up to a million watts? Yeah, it’s still right there.
I steeled myself and concentrated on the lecture until it was time to leave. When she dismissed us, I got out of the classroom so fast it might as well have been on fire.
“Rachel!” Landon called down the crowded hall. I booked it to the elevator and slid inside—
Damn.
He got in just before the doors slid shut, leaving his camera crew on the outside. My timing with elevators on this ship was shit, but at least this wasn’t on film. I didn’t bother to look at him, just focused on the changing floors as we started to move.
There were at least four other students in here—that had to keep him quiet, right?
“Look, I just need you to listen. Please, Rachel.”
Apparently they weren’t going to deter him.
Deck seven. Three more to go.
I concentrated on the numbers, and he stepped in front of me, blocking my view with his chest. If I stepped forward, I’d be able to rest my head just under his collarbone, where I could feel his heartbeat. I hated that I remembered that—the feeling of safety, of…love—almost as much as I hated the urge to do it.
“The other people in this elevator aren’t going to save you, or me, for that matter. You know I’ve never given a fuck what anyone else ever thought of me.”
I looked to my right, but there were two girls openly ogling Landon and the show he was putting on. Don’t worry, girls. He’ll be all yours in a moment.
Unless they already had been. How many had come and gone since me? Why do you care?
“So you can stand there silent. It’s okay with me. I’m the one who needs to explain anyway.”
Deck eight. Three of the girls got off, leaving me with Landon and one other guy who looked like he’d rather be anywhere else.
“What happened back then…God, Rach. The situation was so fucked-up, and I was such a stupid kid.”
I glared at him. He was a stupid kid? That was his excuse for nearly ruining my life? I blatantly looked away. It was going to take something a hell of a lot better than that to get me to listen to him.
“We have six months together.”
Don’t remind me.
“And I can’t help but think that we have a chance to set things straight. To put everything behind us and start fresh. And I know that isn’t going to change what happened in the past—”
The elevator opened, and I sidestepped around him, making a beeline for my room. It was twenty feet. I could make it. I had to.
If I listened, I might pause. If I paused, I might…think. If I gave in to thought, I was already in my handbasket straight to Landon hell.
“But the truth is that I can’t change what happened. I can only go from here. Rachel? Please talk to me.”
I kept the same pace, refusing to run, but damn if I wasn’t going to power walk my way to safety. I took out my key card and swiped it.
Red dot.
Fuck.
“If you’ll give me a chance to explain, where we can sit down like the adults we are, there’s so much I want to tell you. So much I should have told you then but was too big of a chickenshit to get the words out.”
I swiped the card again.
Green.
“I didn’t want to leave you,” he said, his voice rising in pitch.
But you did. Hell if I was going to make this easy for him.
I swung the door open and walked in.
“Rachel, please. Say something!”
I threw up my middle finger and slammed the door behind me. My chest deflated as my breath abandoned me, and I leaned back against the door. God, it hurt. Everything hurt. I looked down, half expecting my shirt to be soaked in blood, because it felt like my heart had been ripped out and shredded.
“Well, I mean…I can learn sign language if that’s what it takes, but I think I’ve got that one down already,” he said through the door.
I rolled my eyes and fought the urge to let the corners of my mouth drift up. He’d always had that effect on me—the ability to make me laugh when I wanted to throttle him. God, we’d had some of the most outrageous fights. And phenomenal makeup sex.
“We’re not done, Rachel. I know you’re right there. I know you can hear me. And I don’t care how long it takes to get through to you, you’re going to listen. You might still hate me after, but you have to understand the reasons why.”
There was a subtle thud on the door, like he’d banged his head on the surface. “But I’m not going to do it through a goddamned door. You win this round.”
Damn skippy I did.
“But I’ll win the war.”
…
“He’s relentless!” I said to Penna two nights later as I sank into the booth she’d claimed at the ship’s club, Veritas. “I need a damned drink.”
The bass thumped out a rhythm that had dozens of people gyrating on the floor. Maybe if I got drunk enough, I could join them and forget him for just a little while.
She looked up from her book. “He being Landon?”
“Yes,” I answered. “Really? In a club? What are you reading, anyway?”
“Love in the Time of Cholera,” she answered. “It’s all misery, which is pretty fitting for my mood at the moment. My contract requires that I be down here for filming, but it sure as hell doesn’t dictate what I’ll be doing.” She motioned to the cameras positioned around the club. Fantastic.
“Is that for Lit?”
“Nope. Just for me. I figured if I’m stuck in this chair, I might as well catch up on some reading.”
“I wish he’d get cholera,” I mumbled.
She side eyed me.
“Okay, I don’t wish he’d get cholera. I just wish he’d go back to the neat little box I’ve had him stashed in. Instead, I go from zero Landon contact to him being everywhere. I’m seriously expecting him to follow me into the bathroom at any moment.”
She picked up her book and wiggled her toes at the end of her hot-pink cast. “You could just talk to him. Rip off the Band-Aid, so to speak.”
“On the pain scale of my life, ripping off a Band-Aid is probably somewhere around a two. Dealing with Landon? That’s off the fucking charts.”
“Fair enough.” She shrugged, then motioned to our waitress. “Two amaretto sours,” she ordered.
“Thank you,” I told her, grateful she’d remembered what I liked to drink from last night. I blinked. Was Landon going to turn me into a freaking lush? “I had to basically dive over to Hugo, who sits on the other side of me during Cultures of the Pacific, to be my partner because Landon was already trying to stake a claim!”
“Well…”
“Oh no…no, no, no, no, no. His claim-staking days are over. Back then I was like virgin territory—”
She dropped her book and gave me an openly skeptical eyebrow raise.
“What? I was. He was my first. But that’s not what I meant.”
“Okay,” she said, reaching for her book again with a sigh as the song changed and Drake came through the speakers.
“I just mean that back then he could have claimed me all day long. Hell, he did for like half a second. But now, I’m not up for grabs. I’m claimed.”
“You have a boyfriend?” she asked, clearly worried.
“No. I’ve been there, done that a few times since him. I’m in a fully committed long-term relationship with myself.”
“Does yourself require batteries?”
“Very funny. I know you’re Team Landon.”
She put down her book with a longing look and turned to me. “I’m Team Switzerland. I thought it was a stupid idea to bring you here. Don’t get pissed—it’s just the truth. You are Landon’s weak spot, whether or not you’re willing to see it, and we’re doing some pretty dangerous stuff. We can’t afford to have him distracted.”
“I didn’t come here to screw with the Renegades. I’m here because I wanted to be a part of this program—to travel the world and study abroad. I had no idea Wilder owned the damn ship, or that you guys were using it as your personal worldwide stuntmobile. But you’re here, and he’s here, and leaving isn’t an option. I’m not losing the only chance I have to visit the village I was adopted from, and now there’s Leah to consider, as well. She’s my best friend, and if I leave, she’ll leave, too, out of some sense of guilt or obligation, and it will ruin her because she’s so damn in love with Wilder.”
“I know,” she said.
“So, yeah, what I did was shitty. I was dating Wilder, and I fell in love with Landon. We went behind his back. I get it. Put the fucking scarlet letter on my chest, brand me a whore, do whatever it is you need to, Penna. But while I almost broke the Renegades, Landon destroyed me. Annihilated me. I gave up everything for him, and he walked away without a backward glance. So if there’s some price you need me to pay, I’ve already paid it.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“What?” I snapped. Damn, my fuse was short.
“I was just waiting for you to finish with the whole self-flagellation routine over there. You’re right—you nearly took down my whole family, and I resented you and the lies I told to keep your secret. But I was nineteen and had little to no perspective. I’ve never been in love; I’m not going to say that I understand why you did it.” She leaned forward a little and waited until I looked her in the eyes. “But last week my sister tried to kill Paxton. She blamed him for Nick’s paralysis, and in the course of her rather insane plot, she did this to me.” She pointed to her cast. “So while I do hate what you did, I can’t really hate you. My own family did more to harm the Renegades than you ever could have done. So you and me are going to call a little truce.”
“A truce?”
She sighed. “Look. I helped get you on board. I thought Pax was nuts when he orchestrated it all. Trust me, it wasn’t easy to convince Leah that her scholarship for tutoring Pax included a full ride for her best friend, too.”
“You were in on it?”
“I was. None of us knew if she’d stay when you came down with mono before the ship launched, and none of us could predict that she and Pax would fall in love.”
“You never told Landon who she was, or how I figured into it,” I accused.
“He would have flipped his lid. You’re the one subject he won’t discuss, the one person who left a scar, and Paxton thinks you’re the only woman Landon’s capable of loving. So you’re here because Paxton thinks you and Landon are destined or some shit.”
Destined? Fuck that. Destiny didn’t leave you broken financially, physically, and spiritually. Curses did that. Fitting, since that’s what I am to him.
“I’m here because Wilder feels guilty about his ultimatum back then,” I snapped. “All this did was put two people who have already hurt each other in unspeakable ways together in a confined space. If we’re going to have a truce, let’s at least agree to be honest.”
“Fine. Let’s be honest. I helped Pax because the whole situation was fucked-up. You and Landon were dead wrong, but Pax wasn’t right to force Landon to break his own heart. Maybe this works, or maybe it doesn’t, but you’re here now, so we should all just make the best of it.”
We didn’t shake hands—neither of us was touchy-feely—but an understanding passed between us. “Okay.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
I shifted in my seat, hating the way my bare thighs stuck to the vinyl. I should have chosen pants, but I’d opted for a short skirt and halter top and was now paying the price.
As I was mid–skirt adjustment, Landon walked in with Wilder. Landon’s shirt was rolled at the elbows, showing some of that delicious ink, and his smile was movie star-worthy as they made a beeline for the bar and the gaggle of girls there hitting on the other Renegades. Two of Landon’s snowboarding friends had shown up this week, Alex and Gabe, which helped take the contract-clubbing pressure off the newly monogamous Wilder. Leah had been thrilled.
“Shit. Do you want to head back up to the room? I have another half hour down here, but you’re under no obligation,” Penna offered.
I swallowed and shook my head. “He hasn’t noticed me yet. I’m good.”
“He will. I swear you two have radar for when the other is near. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you guys are kind of inevitable.”
A brunette with huge boobs leaned up against Landon’s arm, and he gave her his Nova smile, the one that would no doubt lead to her panties on his floor in the next few hours. I took a gulp of my newly delivered drink and let the alcohol slide down my throat, wishing the burn would take away the burn in my heart.
“The only thing inevitable about us is disaster. Landon likes bright, shiny stunts, the impossible…and once I became possible, well, I wasn’t so shiny anymore, was I? Nothing has changed in that regard.” I nodded toward where the cameras swirled around them and he put on the show he was known for. Why did it hurt so much to see him make that woman laugh? Why did I feel the urge to fly across the floor and tell her to get her manicured hands off his arm? He wasn’t mine anymore…not that he’d actually been mine in the first place. He’d always belonged to the Renegades first.
Penna’s eyes were soft and understanding but not pitying when I glanced back over. “What he did was horrid. I just think you should give him a chance to talk to you. Maybe it was unforgivable, and maybe it wasn’t. Either way, you’d both get some much-needed closure, because listening to you tells me that you’re stuck in the same hell he is.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, if you count hell as fucking everything that moves.”
She glanced in his direction and sighed. “Everyone has their drug of choice. He started self-medicating and hasn’t stopped.”
“Right, well, while he was busy earning that new nickname of his, I was putting myself back together piece by jagged, ripped, bleeding piece. So you’re going to have to forgive me if I’m not ready to let him tear me apart again just so he can feel better about himself. If he thinks I’m a bitch, I’m okay with it. He doesn’t get to argue with what he turned me into.”
I took another drink and looked over to see him whisper in the girl’s ear.
“So then what are you going to do?” Penna asked quietly. “You’re stuck on this ship with him for the next six months.”
“I’ll go to class, get great grades, travel, maybe get to do some fun stunts with you guys,” I answered. “Once we get closer to Korea, I’m going to take the hit to my grades, deplete my savings account, and skip a shore excursion to go find the orphanage I was adopted from. Landon isn’t in any of those plans.”
Penna stared at me quietly, letting moments pass in the beats of the music until she spoke. “Okay. I still hope that you’ll talk to him. I get it—I really do. And you have all of my computer skills at your disposal if you need help with the Korea trip.”
“Thank you,” I said, standing up. “You know what?” I asked, glancing back at where Landon was preoccupied with Big Boobs McGee. “I’m going to go dance. Need anything before I go?”
She shook her head. “Nope, I’m good right here.”
“Okay. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
In the past, Penna would have been the first on the dance floor. She got around pretty well in her chair, but I knew she was dying to switch to the weight-bearing cast next week. She’d had it with confinement. “I will,” she said. “And Rachel?”
I turned. “What’s up?”
Her forehead puckered. “I’ve thought a lot the last couple days, and if I had the chance to talk to the person who hurt me? The person I loved most in the world? I’d take it. Because all the pain in the world would be worth it for just the tiniest bit of understanding.”
My heart ached for her. For Brooke. For everything that had led them to this.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I promised as I headed out to the floor.
I moved with the music, away from the reaching hands of the guys around me, until I felt his gaze. I looked over to the bar and found him watching me, his eyes hot with undisguised want. Maybe I moved my hips just to see if those eyes would narrow. Maybe I felt a little surge of power when he ran his tongue over his lower lip.
Sex had never been our problem. Trust…that was the deal breaker.
He pushed off the bar and headed toward me, abandoning his latest conquest to the other Renegades. My heart thundered and my breath sped as my fight-or-flight response kicked in.
Flight won.
I spun on my wedges and damn near ran for the door. I wasn’t ready to have this conversation, let alone in front of the cameras that would no doubt love to put this into their clubbing sequence. My mangled heart wasn’t up for public consumption, thank you.
“Hey, are you leaving?” Leah asked as she stepped out of the elevator I was desperate to get into.
“I have to. I can’t be here. Not with him,” I explained, almost regretting my choice when her shoulders slumped.
“Okay. I understand. Coffee in the morning?” she asked.
Coffee. Our morning routine since we’d started Dartmouth. The one thing that had kept us both grounded, both ready to face another day. I squeezed her hands and gave her what I hoped was a convincing smile. “Absolutely.”
When Landon burst through the crowd, my cowardice got the best of me. “Tomorrow,” I promised, then stepped back and hit the button to close the door.
I’d won this elevator battle, but not before I saw the brunette chase after him.
He raked his hands through his hair as the doors shut, and I closed my eyes to the pleading in his.
Even with Penna’s words in my head, I still didn’t see a way that I could open myself up to Landon enough to even hear what he had to say. I was the opposite of Penna in that regard—I might have pushed the envelope on every stunt, but when it came to my emotions, I chose self-preservation over understanding.
Unfortunately, I also knew that Landon was a persistent guy.
And when it came to self-preservation, he was the most reckless of them all.
