At Sea
The woman was impossible.
I couldn’t remember a time when I’d had less pride than the last two days, trying to track her down. We had two classes together, so I thought it would be easy, but she left as soon as we were dismissed and dodged my every attempt to see her. She’d gone so far as to leave the table in the cafeteria when I sat down to eat, which was almost laughable, because I knew how much that girl loved her food.
It was like she didn’t even care that I was on board, yet my every waking moment was consumed with caring that she was. That would have been enough to send me into a tailspin of rejection, but the way she made sure we were never in the same room—except for classes—told me that she cared enough to always know where I was.
Maybe it was grasping at straws, but it was all that I had.
I checked my watch and cursed. Running late for a production meeting was about to get me on Pax’s shit list. My mind had wandered to Rachel while I was on the treadmill, and before I knew it another three miles had gone by as I plotted. Not that I was arguing with extra cardio. I had to be in the best shape of my life for Nepal, but now I was definitely not on time.
“Sorry I’m late!” I yelled down the hall as I shut the door to the suite.
“Get your ass in here!” Pax yelled.
“I’m all sweaty, let me shower,” I said, coming into the dining room where the staff had gathered around the table.
“I don’t care if you’re covered in baby oil. Put your ass in the chair,” Pax said, pointing to my empty seat.
“Okay, okay, I’m here,” I said, taking my chair and trying to focus. Bobby sat at the head of the table, while Pax took the center—he liked to be able to reach every map and picture that lay spread out in front of him. Penna and I took up the other side, while a few of the other Renegades and camera-crew members stood or sat around us.
“I’m really not sure why I’m here,” Penna mumbled, folding her hands in her lap.
“Because you’re banged up, not fucking dead, Penna,” Pax snapped. “You’re still a Renegade.”
“You sure I should be?”
“Later,” he hissed at her.
“Don’t fight in front of the kids,” I said, leaning forward to see the pictures of Sri Lanka, our next destination. “Where were we?”
Pax ripped his hands over his hair. “Okay. We have three days in Sri Lanka. Day one is taken up by field excursions for class. Who has them?”
A collection of hands went up. The hardest part about filming the documentary while we were on the Study at Sea program was definitely working everything around our class load.
Terms were simple: if we failed, we were off the boat and out of the documentary.
I raised my hand, knowing that I had an excursion to Gal Viharaya, but at least I’d be with Rachel. Whether I could get her to talk to me would be another matter.
“Okay, I think we all have one,” Pax muttered, flipping through the folder. “We have permits for the hang gliding stunt off Sigiriya, but I can tell you that it was a very reluctant permit and it’s a pretty sacred site. We’ll be watched, and since I really don’t want to spend any more time in a jail cell this trip, let’s mind our p’s and q’s.”
A small hum of laughter went through the group. Pax was right. The shit we’d gone through in Madagascar when Brooke hid the permits needed to be a one-time-only thing. Penna paled next to me, and I put my hand over hers on her lap.
“It was not your fault,” I whispered so no one else could hear.
She didn’t look up from where she picked at her nail polish.
“The inherent danger here is how we’ll be launching. This formation leaves no room for error, not with only a matter of feet between your wing and the person next to you. You have got to be careful and aware of the other Renegades around you. It’s not a long flight, but we’re packed in like sardines.”
“Three point six kilometers,” Penna said.
“Rebel?” Bobby prompted.
Penna looked up, but only so far as the pictures on the table. “Sigiriya is about two hundred meters tall. Given the typical rate of descent of eighteen to one, we’re looking at three point six kilometers of flight. You’ll have to pull the synchronized turns pretty damn fast and really damn accurately.”
“You’ll?” I asked.
“I’m not going,” she said.
Paxton’s eyes narrowed. “Another thing we’ll talk about later.”
“Hang gliding is something you can do with us. One of us will just take you tandem,” I said quietly as Pax moved on to the technical turns we’d be making.
She shook her head. “No. Pax should take Leah, and if you’re smart, you’ll take Rachel as a bribe. You know she loves this stuff, and it might get you a little face time where she acknowledges that you exist.”
“Penna, come on. This has always been the four of us.”
“Yeah? Well, Nick is paralyzed and I’m in a non-weight-bearing cast, so looks like it’s the two of you.” She abruptly pulled back from table and wheeled herself out through the sliding glass door to the balcony that crossed the back of the ship.
“I’ll take her place,” Zoe said, pulling her chair into the vacant spot Penna had left.
“Not necessary,” I said, hoping she hadn’t listened in.
She shrugged and slid closer while Pax rambled on about the importance of GoPro footage. “You seem really crabby, Landon. Want me to come visit tonight?”
I looked over to her, taking in her brown hair and welcoming smile. There was a reason I’d been “visiting” with her more than I should have the last few months. It was easy to pretend that she was Rachel. But now with Rachel a handful of rooms away, I knew that an imitation wasn’t going to do it for me anymore. “Thanks for the offer, Zoe, but I really think I’m good.”
“Oh,” she said, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise.
We hadn’t been an item—she knew better—but damn, it felt like I’d just said, “Thanks for everything, but we’re done.”
Maybe because I had.
I felt her side eyeing me a few times as we went over the plan again, the gear, who needed what where.
“One more thing…we’d like to do kind of a fun side trip on our last day,” Pax said. “There are some natural waterslides in the Nuwara Eliya region, so we’ve got a totally optional excursion up there to play around, if you guys are interested. It’s mostly my way of saying thank you for kicking ass at the Abu Dhabi exhibition.”
Everyone cheered, and I pushed back from the table. “Hey, Pax,” I said just loud enough to get his attention. “Can you make sure I’ve got a tandem rig on my hang glider?”
Zoe tensed beside me. Guess it had been loud enough to get hers, too.
“Yeah,” Pax said with a grin. “You going to try a little bribery?”
“Penna had the same idea,” I admitted.
“Smart girl, that Penna,” he said. “I’m all for it. Anything that actually gets you two talking would be great, considering what I went through to get her here.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, waving him off. If I went now, I should be able to track Rachel down in her suite before dinner. “You good here?”
“Go,” he ordered. “I need to figure out how to get through to Penna.”
“You have to give her time.”
“I don’t want to lose her,” he admitted quietly. “It feels like…like we’re falling apart.”
“We’re not going to lose her. She’s still here, Pax. She could have gone home, but she stayed. Penna’s stronger than this, she just needs—”
“Time.” He sighed.
“Time,” I agreed. “I’ll talk to her later, but right now I’m going to go find Rachel. Oh, and one more thing—tell Gremlin I want out. Time for new sponsors.”
“You sure you want to play that game with them?” Pax asked.
“Never more so.”
“Okay, I’ll have Nick deliver the message. Now go get your girl.” He motioned toward the balcony, and I headed out.
The warmth of the deck seeped through the thin material of my flip-flops as I stepped onto the veranda. Before I could close the door, Zoe came after me.
“So that’s it?” she asked.
Fuck.
“Zoe, you know we weren’t a thing.”
She put her hands on her hips and glared up at me. “Maybe, but I can’t even ride tandem with you?”
I sighed and squinted, the glare from the sun off the glass door hitting me square in the eyes. “You’re good enough to fly your own.”
“Who is she?” Zoe asked, ignoring my compliment. “What kind of girl does it take to knock Landon Rhodes—the famous Nova—on his ass? Don’t think that I haven’t noticed that parade of girls in and out of your room has been on pause the last week or so.”
“Don’t do this.”
“Who is she? At least tell me that much.”
“Her name is Rachel—”
She sputtered. “Rachel? As in ‘curse’ Rachel? You can’t be serious.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Of course she’d heard about the curse. Hell, I’d just gotten back on top of my game when Zoe’d joined the Renegades. “Rachel’s not a curse. She’s…” How could I find the words to explain?
“Wow.” She dragged the word out. “Does she know about your habits? Because she really should know what she’s getting into.”
I folded my arms in front of my chest, every sense on high alert. “Stop. Now. I know how much shit you gave Leah, and”—I tilted my head in thought—“well, she dished it back to you pretty well. But you tried to scare her off. You made her life hell because she dared to fall for Wilder.”
“So?” Her forehead puckered, but the shame in her eyes didn’t match her sharp tone. “Are you getting all protective?”
“I don’t need to protect Rachel, which is something I’ve always loved about her. Leah is one thing. Rachel won’t just dish your shit back at you—she’ll chew you up and spit you out. Trust me, her teeth are razor sharp.”
“So you’re going to let this girl back in? Even after she almost ripped the Renegades apart? I know the stories—how she seduced both of you and then fucked your head when she left.”
I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly while I counted to ten. “She didn’t do anything. I was the one who went after her. I was the one who fell in love with her. Yes, we betrayed Wilder, but I was the one who begged her to stay quiet, not to hurt him, and I was the one stupid enough to leave her for the Renegades when I could have had…” I shook my head, unable to finish the sentence.
“You loved her,” she whispered.
“Yes.”
Guilt crept in, the taste sour. I’d never promised Zoe anything, but I never should have let it go on for this long. I should have realized she was getting attached. I should have cut it off a long time ago. Should have, could have, would have. All bullshit.
“Why?” she demanded, her eyes hardening.
“Because she exists, and it was impossible not to. There’s no other way to explain it.”
She looked away, toward where the water swirled behind the boat.
I put my hands on her bare shoulders and locked eyes with her. “Zoe, don’t do this. You’ve been with us for a year now. You’ve earned your place through stunts and ability. You’re worth a hell of a lot more than what you think of yourself. Go tell Wilder that you want your own hang glider. Show him your practice times from before we left. You’ve got this.”
“You really think so?” she asked, her voice uncharacteristically small.
“I do.”
She didn’t say good-bye, just gave me a small smile and a nod, and walked away. God, I wished the woman I wanted was as easy to get through to as Zoe was.
No, you don’t. Then she wouldn’t be Rachel.
Speaking of Rachel… I took a deep breath and knocked twice before sliding the back door to her suite open.
“She’s going to kill you if she sees you in here,” Penna said, not looking up from her book.
“Throw me a fucking bone here, Penna. I can’t get a word in with the girl. She’s purposely torturing me.”
“Yeah, well, she has every right to.”
“Wait. Since when did you switch sides?” I asked, glancing around the suite. Where the hell was Rachel?
“I have no side. As I told Rachel, I’m Switzerland.” She flipped a page. “But I will say that I’m a Renegade first and foremost, and I love you like a brother, but what you did to that girl deserves a good torture.”
“Team Rachel,” I muttered.
“Team Justice,” she said, raising a fist. I sighed. It was the same move she’d pulled when she’d backed Leah in the Paxton-dating-his-tutor debate. “And seriously, if this is only about the sex, you know you could nail just about any other girl on this ship. Leave this one in peace.”
I turned my baseball hat backward, tucked my thumbs in my pockets, and rocked back on my heels. “It’s not about the sex. The way I loved her…that was beyond anything I’d ever known…or known since. I buried it, moved on with whoever was willing, but I see her and those feelings come rushing back to the surface like we broke up two weeks ago instead of two and a half years ago.”
“Right, but those two years…they changed her. She’s not the same as she was.”
I understood that. “Neither am I.”
“She thinks she’s bad luck. She joked about it, the curse of Rachel, but I could tell that she believes it somewhere deep down.”
“She’s not bad luck. That curse thing was a bunch of bullshit to excuse my shittiness.”
“Well, you might want to explain that to her as you’re begging,” she suggested.
“Where is she?”
“In the shower.”
My eyebrows shot skyward. “Perfect.”
“Landon…I’m not responsible for the way she’s about to dismember you.”
I looked at her pale skin, the bags under her dim eyes, and wished I could take her pain away. “Penna, at this point, her screaming at me would be a welcome change from the apathy I’ve gotten. Rachel is all fire and passion, and as long as I can tap into that, I have a shot.” I squatted down in front of her until she looked at me. “And the same goes for you.”
She looked away but nodded, which was more than I’d gotten out of her since the accident.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a woman to piss off,” I said.
I took a deep breath and went down their hallway until I reached the bathroom door. The water was still running, and I knew from the layout of our suite that she had to come out this one door. But what the hell could I do to keep her in there long enough for me to make my point?
A lightbulb went off in my head. Slowly I opened the bathroom door—and kept my eyes averted from where I knew her sexy, naked body was so very, very wet just a few feet away. God, I’d missed her body, her slight curves, that toned stomach, and her pert breasts. I missed the way she’d felt under me, above me, the fearless abandonment in the way she made love to me.
My chest constricted when I thought about her smile, the one she’d reserved for only me, the sound of her tiny gasps in my ear when I slid inside her tight body for the first time. We’d been so young, so inexperienced, and it had been so fucking perfect.
I snatched her clothes off the toilet seat and quickly tugged away all three towels before escaping, shutting the door behind me.
“Penna?” Rachel called out, obviously having heard me.
She continued her shower, and I went over everything I wanted to say in my head as I put the pile down next to me. Fuck, what did I want to say?
The shower stopped, and my heart had the opposite reaction, starting to pound.
“What the hell?”
Even pissed, her voice did things to me, brought back those damn feelings I’d just told Penna about. Hell, I’d always loved when she was pissed off at me—pushing me to be better, expecting nothing but what she knew I was capable of. She’d had enough faith in me for the both of us…until I fucked that all up.
“Penna?” Rachel poked her head out of the door, water dripping from her hair. “What are you doing?” she shouted at me and slammed the door in my face.
Showtime. I braced my hands on either side of the doorframe and attempted to find my balls. Right. Okay.
“Look. This was the only way I could think of to keep you from running away from me. We’re on a damn ship, Rachel. At sea. There’s literally nowhere to run away to.”
“I’ve done a damn good job so far,” she spat back, and I smiled. That was my girl…well, Rachel. I’d lost the ability to call her mine a long time ago.
“You have. I’m pretty impressed, really.”
She was silent, so I forged ahead. “I wish I could say that I rehearsed this moment, that I had this eloquent speech prepped, but that would be bullshit. I never imagined this happening, and I never prepped anything because I never thought I’d get the chance to see you again. If I’d known…God, I would have done so many things differently.”
I paused, waiting for her to say something, but she stayed silent.
“I know what Pax did to get you here, and I know that you’re under no obligation to talk to me, and I’m definitely not stupid enough to think you’re even contemplating giving me a second chance.”
Wait. Was that even possible? Understanding, maybe, but her actually trusting me again? I shut that thought down before it ran away with me.
She scoffed, pretty much confirming that wasn’t going to happen. Thank God I kind of had her captive, because none of this was coming out right.
“Right. I’ll be quick—you’ve got to be getting cold. My point is that what happened back then…what I did to you. It was wrong. I was wrong. I did the wrong goddamned thing for what I thought was the right reason, and I’m so damn sorry—”
The door opened, and I stepped back in shock. Maybe I should have led with the sorry in the first place.
Rachel stood there, gloriously nude, water dripping down her petal-soft skin, and it took every ounce of willpower from every man in the world to keep my eyes on her face. She openly glared at me then lifted a single eyebrow, bent to grab her clothes off the floor—holy shit, her ass could stop traffic—and walked right past me, her head held high.
My mouth actually watered with every step she took, and I snapped my lips closed to avoid drooling. I barely contained my groan, unsure of what was sexier—Rachel’s perfect body that I knew fit mine like a damn puzzle piece, or her I-don’t-give-a-fuck confidence as her hips swayed down the hall.
I should have known that a bathroom door was no match for her tenacity.
Point made.
My heart sank when I looked closer at her lower back. There was a vague, silvery mark, but no tattoo. She’d had it removed. Erased it. Erased us.
She slammed her bedroom door, and I followed until my head rested against the wood. “Fuck, you are so stubborn,” I whispered, but it came out as more of a compliment than a measure of my frustration.
I heard a small thud where her head would be if she were in the same position, and some of the fight drained from me. If she didn’t want to talk to me, there was nothing I could do to make her.
“Okay. You win. There’s nothing I can say to make you talk or give me a chance to explain. The truth is that I don’t deserve it, anyway. I fucked up two years ago. Hell, two years, four months, two weeks, and three days ago. I know, because there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you. And I know that doesn’t count for anything, that it’s all just bullshit, but, Rachel, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to just have a simple conversation with you. I’ve missed you so damn much.”
There was a sliding sound and another thud.
“So I’m going to stoop to bribery,” I said. “I know how much you loved this lifestyle, and I’m going to use it shamelessly. We’re doing a hang gliding stunt off the Lion Rock the day after the Pacific Cultures trip. If you agree to one conversation with me, just to let me explain, I’ll take you with me, tandem.”
My heart sank a little every second she didn’t answer until I was sure that my last-ditch effort wasn’t going to amount to anything. Finally, I conceded the battle and started to walk away.
I was halfway down their hallway when her door opened.
“Landon?”
I turned so fast I nearly smacked into the wall…again.
She stood there, a white towel wrapped around her, and it was somehow sexier than when she’d challenged me with her nudity. The swells of her breasts rose above her crossed arms, and even without makeup, her face was startlingly beautiful. God, I’d missed her eyes—missed everything. The years I’d missed had taken her teen beauty and turned her into a magnificent woman. I tucked my thumbs into my pockets again to keep me from foolishly reaching for her as our eyes locked. That connection between us that a twenty-year-old kid hadn’t understood was still there, and now I knew what chemistry was—and how rare the intensity of ours was. “Rachel?”
“I’ll do it,” she said, brushing a strand of wet purple hair from her eyes and tucking it behind a delicate ear. It had always astonished me how such a fierce attitude could be contained in such a petite package. If her body matched her personality, she would have towered over me in height.
“You will?”
“I just said I would.”
“Right.” Where the hell was my game? My smooth lines? My ability to charm the panties off any girl?
She’s already not wearing them…
“One thing, though. We’ll talk in Sri Lanka. I worked really hard to put you behind me, and I’d like a couple days before you go and rip me apart again.”
“God, Rach—”
She shook her head. “No. Not yet. There. We’re stuck together all day anyway.”
I nodded. “Okay. Sri Lanka it is.”
She turned to go back into her room but paused just before she entered. “One more thing.”
“Anything,” I promised. The girl could have my balls in a vise if she wanted them. Hell, they were pretty much there anyway.
“If I’m signing that media release, I want my own hang glider.”
A slow smile spread across my face. “Of course you do. When’s the last time you were up?”
Her eyes narrowed. “About six months ago. And I bet I’m still better than you are.”
Without another word, she shut the door. I’d never been so happy to get so little out of someone.
I couldn’t hide my smile as I walked out past Penna. “Thank you for the idea.”
She glanced up then back down at her book. “No problem. And funny, I thought you said it wasn’t sexual?”
“What?”
She pointed at my shorts without looking up.
Fuck. I was sporting a hard-on that could have knocked on Rachel’s door itself. “It’s not only sexual,” I said, covering myself with a pillow so I could get back to my room without getting shit from half the Renegade crew or the cameras in our suite.
“I would hope so. Plenty of girls have had your only sexual lately, and if I were you, I’d make sure that shit ended before you even tried to get back with Rachel.”
“Who said I’m getting back—?”
Penna’s look silenced me. Having lifelong best friends was annoying as hell sometimes.
“Okay, you’re right, but FYI, I haven’t fucked anyone since she crashed back into my life.”
“Too much info,” Penna said, gagging. “Now go before she sees me conspiring with the enemy.”
“I thought you said you were Switzerland?”
“Just because they stay neutral doesn’t mean they don’t have an opinion.”
“Traitor,” I teased.
“Out,” she said, pointing to the door.
Hard-on happily suppressed, I tossed the pillow onto the couch and left. I had two days to figure out what the hell I could say to Rachel to make her understand what had been the hardest choice of my life if I wanted a chance at having any kind of relationship—friendship or otherwise—with the only woman I’d ever loved.
No pressure or anything.
