Sri Lanka
Was it possible to instantly fall in love with a place? It had taken a two-hour bus ride to get to Gal Viharaya, and even though I’d been aware of Landon watching me from a few rows behind, I couldn’t tear my eyes from the countryside. It was lush, green, and, I kid you not, there had been elephants wandering through the streets a while back.
We made our way as a class up the ruins of the Buddhist temple and listened to our teacher explain the details of the weathered structure. Every time I glanced at Landon, I found him watching me, and I ripped my eyes away.
It was like we were sneaking around again, scared that our glances would give us away.
His baseball hat was missing today, his hair in a sexy disarray that my fingers itched to run through. Those hazel eyes pierced straight through me as he headed in my direction once our professor was done and we were dismissed.
He held out his hand, and I glanced at it briefly before looking back up at him.
“Here?” I asked, knowing my stay of execution was over. As much as I’d blocked off my heart, my head, everything that had to do with him, I was about to have to listen to him make stupid fucking excuses for shredding me.
“Maybe somewhere a little more private?” he asked, motioning to a side of the ruins currently unoccupied by our class.
He checked back at least five times to make sure I was following him as we crossed the small distance, passing a giant Buddha, who looked so peaceful. I envied him that.
“Okay,” Landon said and took a deep breath. His mouth opened and closed a couple times while we stood there, eyes locked. “God, I had this all planned out, and now it’s all just…gone. I’d almost forgotten the effect you have on me.”
“Had,” I corrected, wrapping my arms around my stomach. “Everything about us is past tense.”
“I know I hurt you,” he said softly.
“You did,” I agreed, trying to block out the imagery those words brought up—the tears, the devastation, the groveling to get some semblance of my life back.
He rested his hands on top of his head, the tattoos on his arms rippling with the motion. For a brief moment I wondered if he still had it, the one token we’d given each other…the one I’d immediately altered. “I don’t think there’s anything I can say to take back what happened with us.”
“There’s not.” That sounded strong. Good. Keep it up.
“For fuck’s sake, Rachel. Could you make this just a little easier? I’ve been trying for a week to get you alone—to get you to listen to me.”
“Why?” I asked. That familiar ache rose, a burning acid in my throat—the hurt I’d worked to lock away. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why did he have to chip away at the wall I’d struggled to build? Couldn’t he see how hard this was for me?
“Because I want you to understand,” he pleaded.
“Why is it so important to you? It’s been years. Years, and you never once tried to contact me to explain. Hell, I’m only here now because Wilder arranged it—not because you had some crisis of conscience or change of heart.” Because if he’d come back once—hell, even called or sent a freaking carrier pigeon—I would have melted. But there was zero chance in hell I was going to give him some kind of convenient absolution just because he didn’t want things to be awkward.
I could handle awkward. I couldn’t deal with heartbroken again.
“You’re right. I have a shit ton to apologize for. I left you. I chose the Renegades because if I didn’t, they would have lost the sponsors they needed to put on the Renegade Open that day. We were a package deal, and the sponsors threatened to pull out unless I came back. That would have left Pax, Penna, and Nick covering over two million dollars in prize money, plus the vendors that hadn’t been paid yet—all because I walked away. I made a split-second decision when Penna called because, though we’d already fucked over Pax’s heart, I couldn’t do the same to his career—my career, my family. So I tried to do what I thought was the right thing.”
“Right for everyone but me.” His explanation served up a fresh slice of pain. They’d all been so happy up there on that television screen while my world had slipped out from under me.
Never again. It didn’t matter how sincere he sounded, or how much regret shone from those gorgeous eyes of his, my heart couldn’t afford to go through that again. I wouldn’t survive it intact.
“Yes. I was a stupid fucking kid. I didn’t understand that what we had was something that doesn’t come along twice. I didn’t know enough about life—about love—to comprehend what I was doing. I. Was. Stupid. And I’m so sorry, Rach. I don’t expect you to forgive me—”
“That’s seriously the best you have?”
“What?” He blinked.
My chest burned with a tight pressure that made it nearly impossible to breathe. I sucked in a breath slowly while I debated the merits of walking away. No. This was something that had to be said. “You destroyed me, and the best you have is that you’re sorry, you were a stupid kid?”
He pressed his lips in a firm line. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping for alien abduction. Body snatchers, the donation of a kidney to a dying girl. Something, anything that would excuse what you did—that would give me a reason to stand here and listen to your bullshit.” How could that be all there was? How pathetic was I for even wanting an excuse that could justify his actions in my eyes? I was already slipping.
“How many times can I say I’m sorry? I’ll say it a thousand times.”
“Right. Okay. Let me start with the hours I spent in the ER, waiting for you to answer my text. Then we’ll move on to tucking my tail between my legs and going back to my parents, who, if you’ll remember, pretty much disowned me when I turned down Dartmouth to go live with you in the apartment that…oh, wait, that’s right—the apartment I had to liquidate my savings for so I could pay the deposit when you didn’t show up to sign the lease. I should have known then, but I was so naive. So stupid.”
“God, Rachel.” His shoulders fell.
It wasn’t enough. Maybe it was wrong, but for just that moment, I wanted to peel myself open and show him the scars he’d left on my heart. I needed him to know.
“Then there was the joy of listening to my father beg his friend in the admissions office to give me my spot back after I’d declared that true love was more worthwhile than an Ivy League education. And you know who was apologizing then? Me. Apologizing for you. You didn’t just break my heart—you annihilated it. You pulverized me and then went on your merry way like nothing had even happened.”
My heart ached with the emotions I’d done my best to lock away since he walked out, but they were now screaming to be acknowledged and set free. But I couldn’t let them out. It was like Pandora’s box in there, and the minute I let any of them slip, the slivers of me that wanted to believe him—the ones yelling the loudest that this was the man I’d loved—would run amok and then I’d be right back where I was two years ago. Destroyed, angry, and loving the man I desperately needed to hate.
I saw a group of girls from our class come toward us but didn’t pause. If I was going to allow myself this one moment to let it go, I wasn’t holding back.
“You went back to the Renegades and left me to pick up the pieces you shattered. Maybe I was the whore for cheating on Wilder, for falling in love with you. Maybe I am your curse. But I didn’t deserve to bear the entire weight of what we’d both done.” My throat tightened, and I blinked quickly, fighting back the prickling sensation in my eyes. I would not cry over him. Never again.
“You’re right.” His fingers tugged at his hair momentarily in obvious frustration. “But I wasn’t undamaged. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you, wonder where you were.”
“Hey, Nova,” one of the girls said, eye fucking Landon as she waltzed by, swaying her ass.
“Yeah.” I laughed. “Good thing you had tons of girls to soothe that hurt, Nova.”
He put up his hands in surrender. “Okay. Valid point made. I’m a dick, I did dick things, and then I overused said dick in what has been a failed attempt to get over you. Got it. But seeing you again—whether or not it was Wilder’s doing—I guess I knew we couldn’t start over, but I was hoping that we could at least be friends. You were my best friend, Rachel.”
I swallowed. “No. Wilder was. You chose him, and it took me a really long time to accept that as my reality. I waited the first few weeks for you to come back, for an explanation, for you to tell me that those promises we’d made to each other really meant something to you, because our plans, our future, our relationship meant everything to me, and I was so fucking stupid to love you like I did because you moved on like I was nothing to you.” My voice broke, and I took a steadying breath, fumbling over my stupid feelings to get a grip. “Yes, we’re stuck together for the next six months, but being friends? That’s too much. That Rachel—the silly eighteen-year-old you said was your infinity—you killed her. My heart stopped the moment I saw you on that TV screen, and that naive little girl in my soul didn’t die…she just ceased to be. So if I’m cold, callous, or unforgiving, then I’m simply what you made me.” I shook my head. “No, I’m what I made myself to make sure that I was never fooled again.”
“I’m not trying to fool you,” he said quietly, his eyes soft and warm—and everything I’d missed about him came rushing back in.
I saw him standing in the rain three years ago, waiting for me the afternoon we’d finally given in to our feelings. I saw the boy he’d been—so passionate, so protective—lying just under the surface of the man before me.
For a second I saw my Landon under Nova…and that was dangerous. My defenses started to shake, a vulnerability I hadn’t felt in years, and I scrambled for some kind of ladder to get me out of the pit of emotion he’d dragged me into.
“This is the only time you’ll bribe me like this,” I said, my tone stronger than I felt. “Thanks to Leah, Wilder has already told me that I can be in on whatever you guys are doing, and I intend to take him up on it. I’ll never give up anything for you ever again. So let’s just be honest.”
His jaw tensed, those eyes a turbulent sea of blue and green. “Okay. Be honest.”
“I loved you. You broke me. No matter what connection we still have, I won’t ever let you close enough to do it again. That’s the place we’re at.” It was the only place I could afford to be, no matter how loudly my body sang when he was near, or how the deadened little lump of my heart had the nerve to flicker back to life at the sound of his voice.
He stalked forward until my ass hit the stone wall behind me and then caged me with his arms. “You got to be honest. My turn.”
“Okay,” I said, tilting my chin and hoping I looked unaffected by his nearness. Maybe if I quit breathing, stopped taking in his cedar-and-Landon scent, my body would forget that I knew his intimately.
Instead my own body went traitor and sent heat coursing through my veins, like it remembered every sensation he was capable of producing. The intensity in his eyes stole the air from my lungs and stripped me of my bravado when I needed it the most.
“I loved you,” he said, his voice low. “I broke myself—whether or not you saw it doesn’t change that fact. I’ll respect your wishes. I’ll keep my distance. But that connection you’re talking about? Yeah, it’s still there, still humming through my goddamned nervous system every time you walk in the fucking room, so as much as you’d like to, you can’t control my thoughts or what I want.”
My throat went dry. No! You’re stronger than this. “What do you want?”
He smirked, and my dry throat morphed into drool. Shit.
“Nothing you’re ready for. Hell, maybe I’m not, either. But I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not scared of what we could be—what we already are despite the pain we’ve caused each other. Six months together, Rachel. You can fight it all you want, but you and I both know we’re going to end up here time and again, because if there’s one thing our past has proved, it’s that you and I are inevitable, no matter who we hurt—even if it’s each other. I will never forgive myself for walking away from you. I know you don’t believe me, and that’s my fault, too, but I’m going to spend the next six months proving it to you. Because what I want is for you to look at me the way you used to, no matter how impossible that seems.” He pushed off the wall and walked toward where the teacher was gathering the students.
I looked over to the reclining Buddha, whose face was carved in an expression of utter relaxation and Zen. “Spend some time with Landon Rhodes and we’ll see how long you stay at peace,” I muttered and headed for the bus to take us back to the ship.
I’d hoped that coming clean with Landon would give me some kind of closure, like tattooing over an old scar so you didn’t see it anymore.
Instead it felt like I’d just reopened the whole damn wound.
…
“You sure about this?” I asked Leah as I fastened her helmet so she could ride tandem with Wilder. The wind was steady on the ruins of Sigiriya, which was basically a huge plateau that rose out of nowhere. The sun shone perfectly above the lush, forested carpet hundreds of feet beneath us, and it struck me again how lucky I was to be able to get to do something like this. Securing permits to do this near these ruins must have cost Wilder a fortune.
“Absolutely,” Leah answered, her eyes clear. “I might not be up to the real Renegade status, but I’m actually learning to enjoy these things as long as I forget that there’s always this chance of death lurking.”
I laughed. “Yeah, dying would suck.”
She joined in, her smile wide and bright. “Totally. Death can be so pesky.”
I loved seeing her like this. She’d spent the years after her boyfriend’s death like a specter, barely functioning, but now she’d blossomed, and as much as I generally despised Wilder, I was immensely thankful for the unbelievable change in my best friend.
“You okay?” she asked softly, glancing behind her to where the cameras were pointed elsewhere. “Pax told me you and Landon had a showdown yesterday. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I forced a smile. “You have enough going on with your life, and for once you’re happy. I’m not dragging you down.”
“Rachel.” Her shoulders sagged.
“Don’t Rachel me. I’m fine. I was fine before I got here, and I’ll be fine after we leave. I just have to keep my defenses up around him.”
“Pax said Landon’s a mess.”
Speak of the devil… Wilder walked over, cutting our conversation short, and checked Leah’s helmet. What would normally drive me nuts struck me as sweet. He wasn’t taking any chances with her safety, and I respected that.
“I’m glad the weather cleared up,” Leah said as he tugged on her straps.
“Yeah, the rain has been ridiculous here this week. I thought we were going to have to cancel,” he said to her.
The curse of Rachel. I shook my head, trying to clear it. Funny how one little line in a blog could hit me so hard. Those first few months I’d read everything I could about Landon, unable to quit him cold turkey, but I’d never expected to be called out publicly as the reason he was off his game. Back then I’d been glad. It was something that told me I still affected him. Now I just wanted to put those days behind me.
Besides, it wasn’t like I could change the weather. Even my bad luck wasn’t that powerful.
“So, Rachel, do you want to review the hang glider procedure with me?” Wilder asked, all business even though his arm was draped across Leah’s shoulders.
“I would honestly rather not,” I said with a sweet smile. One day I would forgive him. Today was not that day.
He shrugged. “Okay, I’ll send Landon over.”
“Oh, hell no. I’d rather jump off this rock sans glider than spend unnecessary time with him.”
A snort sounded at my back.
“He’s right behind me, isn’t he?” I asked.
Leah bit her lip and nodded.
“Well, that doesn’t change the truth.”
“Yeah, we’ll leave you guys to it,” Wilder said, pulling Leah away as she mouthed, “Sorry!”
I sighed, steeling myself against the inevitable physical reaction of being near Landon. Then I turned to find him smirking at me. “You’d rather jump off? Really?”
“Yup,” I said, no apologies.
“Ouch. Well, let’s get you checked out. When was the last time you did this?” he asked as we walked over to my glider.
“Took a hang glider ride off a remote, giant rock in the middle of Sri Lanka?” I asked, trying to ignore the fact that Landon was taking care of me the same way I’d just gone all melty over Wilder and Leah.
“Nice, smart-ass,” he replied, setting my helmet on my head and latching it under my chin. His fingers caught one of my strands of dyed hair. “I like the purple.”
“I didn’t do it for you,” I snapped, remembering every time he’d smiled when I’d changed the color of my hair. Dealing with Landon flashbacks was the last thing I needed right now when I was still scraped raw from our fight yesterday. How the hell was he so unaffected, all smiles like we hadn’t drawn blood? I backed up a step so he wouldn’t touch me. Even just that small brush against my skin had been electric.
He raised an eyebrow. “Can’t even take a compliment from me?”
“I’m not taking anything from you,” I said, hating the way my body physically warmed at his smile.
“Yeah, okay. What we have here—”
“Is a typical A-frame with control bar and pod harness,” I finished.
“God, that’s sexy,” he said with a groan.
“We need to discuss your turn-on standards.”
“Any time, any place,” he answered, running his tongue across his lower lip with a slow lick.
Casanova, indeed.
“Just help me into my harness.” Crap, was my voice breathless? No. I refused to even acknowledge that possibility, or the effect he had on me.
Landon was all business as he buckled me in, double-checking each line and connection in a way that made me feel protected—cared for. Don’t be so stupid. He doesn’t care for you. He just wants to chase you now that you’re all shiny and unattainable again. His fingers lingered, caressing my bare skin where the harness met it, but not long enough for me to snap at him.
Just long enough to wake up every single one of my nerves, which were all pretty much Landon’s fangirls screaming that he was back. They fluttered like dancing butterflies in my stomach. No wonder he got laid so often. If he could set me on fire—given the way I felt about him—he must have had the other girls’ panties on the ground when he was done buckling them in.
Not that I should care who he was buckling next.
Fuck. I did.
“How do you feel?” he asked, low and serious as he scraped the stubble on his chiseled jaw.
Our eyes locked, his bordering more on the green side of hazel today, and I felt that same awakening ripple through me. Yup, the man was a panty collector.
Mine were not joining his trophy case.
“I’m good,” I answered honestly, knowing that now wasn’t the time to dish shit back at him. This was stunt time. “Wind looks great. I haven’t been hang gliding in about six months, but I spent some time with the practice rig Wilder set up yesterday, so I’m feeling really confident. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I always worry about you,” he said quietly. “You put the insane in extreme.”
I scoffed. “There’s no insane in extreme.”
“That’s because you haven’t been around to add it in lately. I’ve missed the way you keep me on my toes.”
My heart jumped, and I shut up the fangirling butterflies in my stomach with a quick reminder of what it had felt like when he’d walked out on me. I undid the clasp on my helmet, needing to check it myself—to have not depended on him—and the damn thing broke in my hand.
“Seriously?” I asked the butchered plastic like it would answer.
“Did that break? Let me look at it,” Landon demanded.
I handed it over. “It’s not sabotage, or anything like what you guys just went through. Just my bad luck.”
He looked over my helmet, all trace of kidding gone. “You’re not bad luck.”
“Nova!” one of the Renegade girls called out to my right. “Want to do my double-check?”
“Yeah, Zoe, I’ll be right there,” he called back. “I’ll have a new helmet brought over,” he told me. Then he tugged at my rig one more time, nodded to himself, and went to lock in the girl who’d paged him.
God help me, I watched his every movement, analyzing the quick, efficient motions he used on her. There were no lingering caresses, no long gazes…well, from him. She looked like she was ready to eat him.
She probably already has at one time or another.
Ugh. I didn’t need to speak the thought aloud to know that it sounded like I was jealous.
I looked up and down the line of Renegades ready to launch. We were definitely guy heavy. Hell, predominantly guy heavy, with Penna out. But as I counted the girls, I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them he’d slept with.
My guess? All.
Well, except Leah, of course. I highly doubted Landon would ever make the same mistake twice.
He strapped into the rig next to me.
“What are you doing?” I asked, thankful the wind had calmed just enough to make my rig stop trying to take me backward.
“I figured I’d jump off this whole rock thing. You know, make the cameras happy.” He pointed to the camera crew who strategically walked up and down the lines, getting shots.
“Right next to me?”
“Yeah, well, like I said, I always worry about you.” He winked and finished strapping in.
My stomach tightened, and I cursed myself and my stupid, girly reactions to him. Inevitable, my ass. I was stronger than that.
“Holy shit. Rachel?”
I turned my head since my body was pretty much on lockdown and saw Little John coming toward us, a new helmet in hand. The guy was massive, at least six five, with a belly that far overshot his pants and a shaved-bald head. He was also the one Renegade I adored. My smile was instant and gloriously genuine. “John!”
He ducked under my canopy and enveloped me in a hug. “Damn, I’m glad to see you. What the hell are you doing here?”
“Ask Wilder. Long story.”
He nodded slowly. “Well, whatever it was that brought you back, I’m grateful.”
“I’m not back,” I argued. “I’m just…around.”
He glanced between Landon, whose eyes were locked on him, and me. “Well, it looks like not much has changed.” He handed me the helmet, and I slipped it on.
“Can you double-check me?” Landon asked as Little John adjusted my straps for a snug fit.
“No prob,” he said and went to Landon, doing his safety checks as the two mumbled to each other.
Watching John and Landon reminded me that I hadn’t just lost Landon when he’d walked out—I’d lost all the friends I’d made that year.
But I’d gained Leah, who was pretty priceless.
Once we were all locked in, the adrenaline flooded my system, my heart kicking up a beat as Wilder counted us down. This high, this rush…this was life. This was what kept me distracted from Landon in bits and pieces—well, that and taking care of Leah.
At the cue, I raced off the cliff edge, in sync with the others—and went airborne. My heart jumped into my throat as euphoria washed over me. Was there anything better than this? With a few practiced motions, I got my feet into the bottom of the pod harness and, once horizontal, settled into my flight. I tried to take in everything, every sight, feeling, smell, and sound. I wanted to savor this, lock it away in my memory so when I was back home next year, slaving away in the journalism department, I’d have this to remember.
Right now, nothing existed besides the rig and my own ability. I controlled it, careful to watch those around me, and when the signal came, we all pulled the synchronized turns. I checked my distance from the other Renegades, knowing there weren’t even inches to spare before we’d collide. From the ground it would look like we were one line of hang gliders maneuvering on a single string as we executed the turns, the dips, and pitch backs. My stomach lurched with every dip, then soared when I pulled up at the last possible second. Once those were complete, we all cheered. That was going to look badass on camera.
Then we were all free. I dipped and turned, laughing with the wind, the way my stomach plummeted only to come back to me when I came out of a dive. There was nothing to distract me. Nothing that labeled me broken or damaged. In those precious moments, there were no parents telling me I was a chronic disappointment, no Landon, no heartbreak, no feeling like I was never good enough for him to choose me.
But the problem with landing was that I knew as soon as I touched down, it would all be there waiting for me.
Especially Landon.
