13 Years Ago
“Are you sure you can’t come, Santo? Not even for a little while?” My mother sighs through the phone. “You know how much we all wanted to meet Lea and Alexis.”
It’s finally Sunday; the day I’ve been looking forward to this entire week. Today was supposed to be a good day. My family was supposed to meet Lea and Alexis for the first time. I was nervous as hell, mainly because I’ve never introduced a woman to my parents or Nonna. Everything was set until I woke up at 2:00 a.m. to heavy sobbing. The light in the kitchen on. Dozens of pills in Lea’s trembling hand, moments away from…
“I know, Ma. But as I said, Lea’s not feeling well. It’s probably just a cold, but I don’t want to leave her alone. Tell Dad and Nonna I’m sorry. I’m sure there’ll be another time.”
“Could it be that perhaps… perhaps she doesn’t want to meet us?”
I glance down at Lea, my fingers threading through her blonde waves as she sleeps with her head against my bare chest. “Of course she wants to meet you, Ma,” I whisper, not wanting to wake her up since she only dozed off moments ago. “I promise we’ll come visit soon. Ti prometto.”
“Okay, well, sending all my love and hope Lea feels better soon.”
“Me too. Ti amo, mamma.”
“Ti amo, Santo.”
I hang up with a heavy heart and slowly reach over to place my phone on my nightstand. I hate that I had to lie to my mother about what really happened, but Lea deserves her privacy.
Lea stirs against me in the bed and I freeze, hoping she’ll adjust and fall back asleep. It’s the first time she rested her eyes after we were up for three hours talking in the kitchen after she freaking scared me to death. I’ve never been in a situation like that before. Never had to coax somebody out of life or death, especially somebody so close to me. My heart aches from the aftershocks… the aftershocks of what could have happened if I didn’t wake up in time.
I hate the eerie feeling rushing up my spine. Hate how Lea glances up at me, her light green eyes red from crying, and she crumbles right here wrapped in me. Hate that no matter how many times I kiss her forehead, hold her tighter to me, and tell her everything is going to be okay, it’s as if it doesn’t help.
“I’m sorry, Santo,” she sobs, her breath laced with alcohol. The same alcohol she consumed last night while I was sleeping. My heart broke when I found her like that in the kitchen and even more so the way she looked at me, so completely done with the world.
“It’s okay, Lea,” I reassure, kissing her forehead once more. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay.”
She’s right. It isn’t.
“You scared me so much, Lea,” I whisper against her soft skin, sucking in a sharp breath as if it’s my remedy. “I thought… fuck. I didn’t know what to think.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so tired.” Lea’s silent for a few moments. “I feel like nothing makes me happy anymore, Santo. Nothing.”
Her words break my fuckin’ heart.
“You need to talk to somebody. Somebody that isn’t me.” I swallow thickly. “A professional who can help you through this. I’m going to be right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere, Lea.”
Lea nods, sniffling away her tears.
We’re quiet for a few moments, and I just hold her to me like we’re stranded and drifting off to sea. Lea shifts her head on my bare chest, her cheek pressing against me so that she can gaze out the window and down to our backyard and the beautiful private long stretch of beach beyond it, only a gate dividing the two. My eyes follow hers past our backyard and to shimmery dark ocean waves, glazed with a silvery shadow of the moon and winking stars above.
“What would you have done if you were too late?”
“Jesus, Lea. Don’t even ask me that.”
“I want to know. Would you have taken care of Alexis?”
“You already know the answer to that, baby.” I meet her light eyes. “In a heartbeat I would.”
In a heartbeat…
Emotion overtakes Lea. She cups my stubbled jaw and rests her forehead against my cheek. I can’t do anything but wrap my arms tighter around her and lift us up until I’m sitting up and leaning against the headboard with her straddling my waist. Her head falls into the crook of my neck as she trembles in my hold, her sobs faint at first before shaking me to my core.
“Breathe, Lea.” I thread my fingers through her blonde waves, rubbing small circles on her bare lower back. “Breathe.”
Her hot tears drip, stinging my cold neck and ruining me whole. “Why don’t I feel happy? I want to love you so much, Santo… so much, but it’s as if the entire world is in black and white. Like I’m falling apart.”
The knot in my throat tightens. “Do you trust me?”
“With all my heart.”
“Then trust me when I say we’re going to get through this. Together. Okay, baby?”
It takes a few seconds before she whispers back, “I hope so.”
Those three little words haunt me the entire night. As Lea falls asleep in my arms, all I can imagine is how we left the kitchen… shattered hope, near-miss dreams, and fateful pills scattered on the hardwood floors.
Would Lea really have done it?
As Alexis’s bright face flashes through my mind, my heart pinches hard because I know the answer. I don’t sleep a wink, too worried that something could go wrong if I shut my eyes for a second. At around 5:00 a.m., I slip out of the bed and take a cigarette and my lighter from my nightstand. I need a release.
Stepping out on my bedroom’s balcony, a light warm breeze kisses my skin. My gaze averts from Lea asleep in our bed and to the glittering ocean water as I light my cigarette. The view of the beach under the backdrop of the midnight-blue night sky always used to calm my soul… until right now.
Rolling my tense shoulders back, I press my back against the white shiplap wall and lean my head against it. White smoke hazes my thoughts with every drag I take. My heart is overthinking everything, spiraling.
Nothing clears my state of mind. Nothing at all.
I could have lost her tonight.
My eyes squeeze shut as my breath hitches.
I could have lost everything.
Three months have gone by since that night and Lea is slowly getting back on track. She started seeing a psychiatrist. She seems happier. Brighter. Like a fraction of Lea again. The psychiatrist recommended that now that Alexis is in preschool, perhaps finding a job would free up her time, so for the past few weeks job hunting has been on Lea’s mind.
It took a while for my body to ease when we would fall asleep at night. The tragic near miss turned me into a light sleeper. My eyes snap open at the slightest sound and heart drops whenever I reach out across the crisp bedsheets and Lea isn’t inches from me. It isn’t the way to live, this I know, but fear remains when bad things happen.
It took me a while to feel like my old self again, but that’s the crazy thing about life… As soon as your body calms, something out of the corner of your eye makes you jump. Like tonight. Lea’s been tossing and turning all night, suffering from nausea. I’ve just come back from reassuring Alexis everything is going to be okay and tucking her back into bed after she ran into our bedroom scared after a nightmare. I returned to our bedroom moments later, only to find Lea in the bathroom throwing up in the toilet. I hate seeing her in pain like this. Now, as we slip back into the sheets, I pull her to me and pray she doesn’t get any worse.
My fingertips slowly trace over her flat stomach. “Could it be that…”
“That I’m pregnant?” Lea faintly smiles. “I already thought of that. I took a test this morning while you were at work… negative. I think it’s just my body telling me to slow down after doing so much readjusting. It’s probably also just stress from trying to find a job.”
“You know I could ask around and—”
Lea cuts me off. “No. I told you from the beginning that I put myself in this mess and I’ll be the one to get myself out.”
“I just want to help.”
“Baby, you are. The fact that you’re allowing Alexis and me to stay here without paying you anything is—”
I brush my lips against hers. “It’s what family does.”
Because that’s exactly what we are… a family. The three of us.
Lea found a job. The moment she sat me down for a chat on a Friday night a month ago, I knew there was something she was hiding by the look on her face. She found a job at this bar downtown to work Thursday to Saturday nights from 9:00 p.m. to 2 a.m. As much as I loathed the idea of her being out at all hours serving wasted asshole men who weren’t blind to her beauty killed me, but I needed to support Lea’s decision. She was excited about this work and all I wanted was for her to be happy, even though I was ready to kill any motherfucker who got too close.
In these past few weeks, we buckled down a schedule. From Thursday through to Saturday Lea would spend time with Alexis after preschool while I work. Then, we would have dinner at the beach house, or occasionally try a new restaurant and spend time together. Whenever we do go out, there’s almost a guarantee we end up at a dessert bar at least once a week because ice cream with sprinkles is Alexis’s favorite.
Lea insisted she could drive back and forth on her own to work, but I wasn’t allowing that. I felt bad having to wake Alexis up to put her in my car, but she slept the entire drive to pick her mom up.
Tonight… the second I pulled out of my driveway, I felt something different. Call it a figment of my imagination or something in the air, but something just felt different. Now, it’s just past 2:00 a.m. and Lea is yet to meet me outside of the club where I always park.
Is she okay?
My eyes flicker to Alexis in the rearview mirror, who sleeps so peacefully in her car seat, and I smile at the little fluffy plush giraffe toy that’s still in her hands. She’s such a happy girl. She loves that giraffe so much. I bought it for her last weekend when I had a day off and Lea and I went with her to Safari West Zoo. She hasn’t separated from it since.
Turning back to the front of the bar Lea works at, I attempt to get a peek inside through the windows from inside the car, but they’re too tinted. What the hell? I pull out my phone and put it on silent so I don’t wake Alexis, then text Lea.
SANTO: Hey baby, I’m out front. Everything okay?
My phone vibrates in my hand moments later.
LEA: Mhmmm. Be out in 1 seccc!!!
My brows knit at the extra letters, but I let it slide.
Calm down, Lisconti. It could just be a slip of the thumb.
Hope fades the second I lock my phone and Lea stumbles out of the bar, landing face-first on the sidewalk. Dear God. My eyes widen. She’s drunk! I jump out of the driver’s side and help her up, only for Lea to start giggling uncontrollably the second she’s back up on her feet.
Lea suggestively bats her lashes, and her drunk-laced eyes meet mine. “Hiiiii, baby!”
Concern takes over my entire body. “Lea, are you okay? What happened?”
“Nothinggg! Gee, lighten up, Santo.”
“Lea.” I sigh, shutting my eyes for a second. “You can’t be like this. I thought you weren’t even allowed to drink while you were working.”
Lea winks. “I didn’t.”
“Liar.”
“What happened to Mr. Bad Boy?” she scoffs.
“He’s concerned. Alexis is in the car and I don’t want her to see you like this if she wakes up.”
Lea laughs, and before I know it, her lips are on mine. I can taste the liquor on her as she deepens it in a reckless fury, as if she’s been craving me all night. I don’t kiss back. My hands snake around her waist, holding her to me to stop her from swaying as I pull her away.
Lea’s lips press against my neck, her hot breath fanning my stubble with every peck she places. When she reaches my ear, she whispers with a hiccup, “Want to know a secret?” She answers her own question before I can say anything, “You turn me on so much.”
Dear God.
I completely dismiss the words she just spoke. “Stop, Lea. Come on, let me help you into the car.”
“No.” Lea’s hand moves down to cup my crotch through my jeans. Her green eyes darken as they lift to mine, dripping in desire. “Fuck me, Santo,” she purrs. “Come on, I know you want to.”
I shake my head with a clenched jaw. “Let’s get you home, Lea.”
“No, I want you to fuck me. Right here. Right now.”
I roll my eyes and take her hand away from my jeans. “I’m not fucking you when you’re drunk and in the middle of a sidewalk,” I say with a slight smirk. “Jesus Christ, Lea. How much did you drink?”
“Not enough. Come onnnn! Be a little wild with me, baby.”
“Not happening. Let’s go, Lea. Alexis is in the car.”
Lea throws her head back in drunken laughter, her blonde hair softly blowing in the slight breeze. Her hands grab my jeans again and attempt to undo the button. “I know you want me.”
“Stop, Lea.” I sigh, growing a little impatient as I gently push her away. “Please, stop.”
She pouts, drunken tears in her eyes. “Why? You don’t want to fuck me?”
A group of men passing by glance over their shoulders at us. I swear to God they heard Lea’s every word. A smirk rises on their lips as they ogle her body, and my jaw tightens in fury.
Motherfuckers.
“Come on, Santo, I know you want to…”
“Oh Dio. Stop it, Lea! You’re drunk, and there are people looking!”
“Let them look!” She turns around to face the men and in a split second she pulls her black camisole down, flashing them her breasts. “Wooohooo!” she cheers. “It’s the motherfucking weekend, guyssss!”
What the fuck, Lea?
Eyes wide, I launch forward and pull the damn camisole back up. My blood is boiling when I turn to the men, who haven’t stopped gawking at her. “What the fuck are you all looking at?” I growl, fuming to the point I feel a vein pop out on my forehead. “Keep fucking walking unless you want me to place every single one of you six feet under.”
Eventually, the group starts walking away, laughing to each other as they go.
I turn back to Lea just as she bends over and throws up on the sidewalk. Cursing, I make sure she’s okay before carrying her to the passenger seat. Thank God Alexis is still asleep.
“Jesus, what possessed you to get this drunk? You know this isn’t good for you.” I fist the steering wheel when I’m in the driver’s seat. “I can’t fucking believe this…”
Lea drunkenly giggles and leans her head against the headrest. “I can and it’s AMAZING!”
“Lea,” I hiss, nodding toward her daughter in the back seat. “Please, she’s sleeping.”
Lea rolls her eyes and all she does is press her lips shut as I pull out of the parking lot, hitting the accelerator through downtown. “Why would you even put yourself in these conditions, Lea?”
She scoffs. “Are you saying I’m a bad mom?”
“God, no, that’s not what I meant at all. All I’m saying is I think it’s time to find a job more suitable, maybe something during the day.”
“Nope. I like finishing late and you fucking me all night long.” Her hand cups my cock for the third time tonight, this time quickly unbuttoning my jeans and scrambling to unzip my fly, but I stop her before she can complete the action. “Pull over, baby.”
I bat her hand away and redo my button. “I’m not pulling over, Lea. Please stop acting like this.”
“Come on. Don’t you want me?”
“Not when you’re like this.”
“Like what?”
“Intoxicated.”
“I don’t have to feel anything when I’m like this.”
My voice comes out softer now. “What are you hiding?”
Lea gulps down and puts her hand on the wheel. “Come on, pull over, Santo.”
“Baby, please stop.” I nudge her hand off.
She reaches for it again and this time steers it into the outbound lane. A blinding flash of white lights has me aggressively tugging the wheel back into my lane, missing the nearing car by seconds.
My heart jumps. Fuck. That was too fucking close.
“Are you fucking insane?” I growl, shoving her hand away from the wheel. “Are you trying to get us fucking killed or some shit?”
Lea’s eyes narrow, lacking any sort of sympathy or responsibility. “D-Don’t you fucking swear at me,” she stutters through hiccups.
“Maybe if you had some fucking control, you’d stop acting so damn selfish and I wouldn’t have to.”
Lea gasps, her bottom lip trembling. “Fuck you!”
“That all you got for me?” I scoff and shake my head, wondering how the hell we got here. “You’re a mess, Lea. A mess I don’t know how to fucking help.”
She launches for the door handle. “That’s it. I’m getting out.”
“Lea, stop.”
“Let. Me. Out.”
“I’m not stopping the goddamn car.”
“Fine.” Lea opens the glove box and rummages through it until she finds my lighter. Her eyes glow in a dark shade of sin as she flickers on the taunting orange flame. “Then I’ll burn this damn car and us in it if you don’t stop the car.”
My heart picks up speed.
I glance between her and the road. “You wouldn’t do that.”
“Try me,” she snarls.
“What the hell is wrong with you tonight?”
“Let me show you?” Lea grinds her jaw, fucking with my head as she lowers the lighter, the flame inches from licking her skinny jeans. I practically rip the lighter from her grip, un-flicker the flame, and throw it back in the glove box.
“What the fuck was that?”
Silence greets me.
“Grow the fuck up, Lea.”
Her green eyes turn all glassy, sobs taking over. Instantly I know it isn’t from my words alone, it’s a combination of everything. I’m so sick of this back and forth. I can’t do it. I let out a strangled breath and hit the brakes as the lights turn red.
“I can’t do this, Santo,” she cries.
Fuck.
My heart aches at her every strangled breath.
Reaching out my right hand, I cup her knee and bear witness to the tears streaming down her face. Long moments pass between us as comfort fills the tense void between us.
“I’m sorry, Lea.” I sigh, swallowing thickly. “I just… I just don’t like seeing you like this.”
“I know,” she whispers. “I know you don’t. Neither do I.”
I feel so bad. I know she’s having such a hard time; I just didn’t put two and two together.
“I thought therapy was helping.”
“It’s not that easy…” Lea shakes her head. “I still feel so alone. So alone and small and I don’t know why.”
“You have me, baby.”
“Not forever, I don’t. I’m not dumb, Santo. I know what we have isn’t a forever thing. I mean, look at me, I’m a mess raising a three-year-old. I know the type of man you are. Kids are not in your plans. We’ll be okay for a while, then I know we’ll fizzle out and when that happens—”
“Don’t think like that because it isn’t true,” I say as the light turns green and I turn into our street. “Yes, I admit at the start this wasn’t for the long haul. I thought it was better that way because you’re right, kids were never in my plans. I didn’t want to hurt Alexis. She’s still so young and I didn’t want to give her false hope that I’ll be around, just to disappear like her damn father. But then something changed when you told me you want to start a family with me. Everything changed,” I murmur, slipping my fingers through hers. “You changed me.”
Lea smiles softly through the tears, clenching our intertwined hands tighter. “I’m sorry, Santo. I’m just so scared to lose you. Alexis loves you so much. I just… I just don’t know what I’d do without you.”
I lean over and kiss her cheek before whispering, “I’m not going anywhere, baby.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Lea smiles sadly. “I love you, Santo. I really do. God, you probably think I’m a mess.”
“We’re all messes.” I wink, smiling through the havoc. “But you just happen to be a pretty mess.”
I pull into the driveway of my beach house and park.
“You’re too good for me.” She rests her forehead against my shoulder. Our hands loosely intertwine in front of us, my fingertips caressing all the lengths and curves of her left hand. After a while, my fingers smooth down to the butterfly-like beauty spot on her arm that she always says she hates. Our gazes stay there, as I trace my love in patterns, loving the calmness in her smile when she finally turns my way with heavy eyes I’m bound to never forget.
“You’re saving me, Santo,” she whispers to the background of my rapidly beating heart.
You’re saving me, Santo.
There’s this deep tug in my chest, one I know will break any second now as I help Lea out of the car before unbuckling Alexis’s car seat. A tug I know won’t go away anytime soon.
Alexis slowly blinks her eyes open, rubbing them with her cute little fists as I set her on my hip. She smiles softly at me. “Where are we, Santo?”
“Home, tesoro.”
I kiss Alexis’s forehead and her tired eyes close once more as she slowly drifts off to sleep with her arms around my neck. My heart squeezes as I take her giraffe toy in my free hand and catch Lea’s gaze as I shut the car door. There’s so much utter love laced in them as they warm, and regret takes a back seat. It has me smiling and drawing her closer with a one-handed hug while I’m still holding her little girl.
“I’m so sorry, Santo. Forgive me.”
“Already forgiven.”
Lea closes her eyes as I kiss her forehead.
“I’m sorry too.”
“No,” she hiccups, “it’s my fault. You… you deserve somebody better.”
“Let’s forget about tonight, okay? Let’s just focus on moving forward.”
Lea smiles. “I love the sound of that.”
“Me too.”
I hold her tighter to me as we walk up the steps of the white wooden front porch. But the words Lea spoke only moments ago never leave my mind. They circle around and grip my heart like a vise.
You’re saving me, Santo.
You’re saving me.
Little did I know in the end I was the one who needed saving from this game we call life. Because as much as I didn’t expect it, soon everything changed… for the worst.
