Thirteen Years Prior
Lea found another job. A barista at the same little café where we met. Call it fate, but the café was looking for a casual role Monday through to Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and it fit Lea’s schedule perfectly with Alexis at preschool. What I love most about it is that once I return from work at the motorbike garage, I return home to both Lea and Alexis, and it makes my day.
During the past eleven months since Lea and I met, there has been so much purpose in my life. But with that purpose comes the bittersweet aftertaste of all the what-ifs. Even though Lea has been seeing a therapist and is slowly progressing, it’s as if there’s this cloud of doubt over me that’s destined to pull me under every time I close my eyes…
Lea.
The pills.
Alexis.
My mind is swirling in an endless pit of unease. All night. All day. Every breath.
Calm down, Lisconti. It’s going to be okay.
My lips pull into a smile as I slow by the French doors and see Lea swimming laps in the pool. Her long blonde hair is slicked in a high bun, and she has a white one-piece bikini on. The same one she bought earlier on this week, despite it being December and the usual sultry, warm sunshine by the house is replaced with a cooler, ocean breeze. But that doesn’t stop Lea. She swims all through the year whenever she feels like it. Summer. Winter. It makes no difference to her.
I’m here by the French doors for a solid five minutes, watching in awe at Lea’s swift agility underwater. Her strong strokes. Her diehard passion.
Meravigliosa.
It brings me so much happiness to see her like this—content. It’s been months of uncertainty, and seeing Lea being her best self makes me so proud.
Keeping my eyes on Lea, I reach into my leather jacket pocket and pull out the little red velvet box that will not only seal our fate, but everything Lea and I represent. I bought this diamond ring this morning when it caught my eye in a storefront as I was heading to work, and it’s easily been the happiest and most nervous purchase I’ve ever made.
I know we’ve only been together for just under twelve months. I know Lea hasn’t even met my family yet. I know I’m only twenty-three, but I’m ready. Ready to solidify this life adventure with her.
My gaze lowers to the velvet box and I flip it open, my heart swelling at the sparkling diamond ring as it catches a glimmer of the shining sun, despite some pockets of cloud in the sky. I can’t wait to propose. The thrill of it all has me flickering my gaze to Lea as I shut the ring box. She’s still swimming, so I decide not to disrupt her and step back inside the house.
The weight in my heart intensifies with every step away from her. Shutting the French doors behind me, I place the ring box back inside my pocket.
Calm down, Lisconti.
When the time comes, she’ll say yes. We love each other. Marriage is the next step.
I’ve been thinking about it for a long while. I know with Lea having Alexis, it isn’t so easy to jump into a life that ensures Alexis is happy too. I never want to be that wedge in the way between Lea and Alexis, which is why I’m so fortunate it isn’t the case for us. It brings me so much happiness that Alexis loves me so much and is comfortable around me.
Alexis has this thing where every day after preschool she begs her mom to play dolls with her. Often after work, I either find Lea playing with her up in Alexis’s room, or swimming. When it’s the latter, I always play dolls with Alexis instead, partly because she begs me and gives me those cute little puppy eyes and pouting lip that I can’t say no to. Today is no exception.
Alexis is where she normally is in her bedroom upstairs today, cutely sitting cross-legged on the hardwood floors and playing with her dolls, some of which are Disney princesses. I love that her favorite toy giraffe is also in the mix. She’s been obsessed with dolls ever since I bought her a little collection and dollhouse mansion that was so lifelike and straight up huge.
I was supposed to hold off until Christmas to gift it to Alexis, but I literally had no resistance and ended up giving it to her as an early Christmas gift four months ago. Now, she spends every single day playing here, and while it has Lea rolling her eyes and she says I spoil her too much, there’s so much warmth in my chest for my cute little girl and I’d give her the entire world if she asked me to. I love Alexis as if she’s my own daughter. I always will. I provide for both Lea and Alexis, so if I want to spoil them, I will, because they deserve all the love in the world.
During the summer that just passed, Alexis entered a pink phase, so I painted the entire room a dusty pink and installed a new rosy ceiling fixture to make her happy. Her cute little puppy eyes even made me buy a pink canopy above her bed to make her feel extra special, just like the beautiful princess she is.
Alexis’s big brown eyes look up at me and a huge grin works up her lips. “Santo!” she beams, her entire face brightening. Standing, she practically throws her dolls to the side and bolts toward me. “Yay! I missed you, Santo!”
“I missed you too, tesoro!” Outstretching my arms, I pick her up and spin us around in circles, loving the way her giggles offset my own chuckles. “How was preschool today?”
“I like my dolls better!”
“I bet you do, sweetheart.”
As I put Alexis down, her eyes fall on the ring box in my leather jacket. Alexis is three and at this age, she has a million questions and needs to know every little thing. It’s what I love most about her. Her curiosity.
“What’s that, Santo?”
My heart is beating so damn fast as I fall to my knees and nervously smile at her. We’re eye to eye, leveled, and all that’s going through my mind is how much I need to get Alexis’s blessing to marry her mommy. I may not be a fucking traditionalist, but when it comes to this, it’s only right seeing as Lea isn’t in contact with any of her family at all, so Alexis is all that matters right now.
I slowly reach into my jacket pocket and wrap my hand around the box but don’t pull it out yet. “There’s something I need to show you, Lexi. But… you have to promise me you won’t tell Mommy anything about it.”
“Ooo, is it a secret?” Alexis asks, but it comes out more like sea-ket.
“You mean a secret, sweetheart.” I smile, clasping her hands with my free hand. “Yes, it’s a surprise for Mommy. You know I love you and your mommy so very much. You both came into my life and taught me the meaning of living with purpose. Gave me opportunities. Strengths. I can’t imagine my life without you two in it—”
“Or pink!” Alexis cutely adds with a bright grin, her eyes becoming long slits with how hard she shut them. “I LOVE PINK! PINKKK!”
“Yes, Lexi. I certainly can’t imagine my life without pink in it too!” I laugh, so much happiness in my heart. “Anyway, what I really want to say is although I’m not your real daddy and never want to take his place, you know we’re the greatest friends and I love you very much. I’ll always be here for you, Lexi. I’m not going anywhere. Just like I have up until this point, you know I will always protect you and keep you safe. I will always be here for you. I will always love you, sweet pea, no matter the cost. Your mommy makes me feel so special. She’s pretty and kind and a little crazy like me, but don’t tell her I said that.”
Alexis bursts into a fit of giggles. “Funny, Santo!”
“Yes, funny, beautiful girl. But I need to know you understand what I just said. I need to know you know I love you so very much, not because I have to, but because I truly feel it from the warmth of my heart. You bring me so much happiness, Alexis. So much joy and grace and laughter.”
“What’s grace?”
“Somebody who is a good person… kind and nice.”
“Yeah, that’s me!”
I chuckle. “It sure is. You bring me so much of that, Alexis, so much happiness and so I wanted to ask you a very important question. You don’t have to give me an answer right now. We can talk about it more or you can ask me any question you’d like. But I’d really love to ask you this…”
“Ask! Ask! Ask!”
Smiling, I pull out the velvet box and open it, revealing to her Lea’s sparkly engagement ring. Gasping, Alexis’s eyes go all wide in pure awe. “So pretty!”
“You like it?”
Alexis grins and rapidly nods her head. “Yes!” Her big brown eyes then lift to mine, so much happiness and glee in them as she whispers, “Marry Mommy?”
Warmth laces my heart.
I nod. “Yes, Lexi. I would love to marry your mommy and would like to get your permission to do so. Do you want me and Mommy to get married and then we can live happily ever after?”
Alexis squeals in happiness and starts jumping up and down. “Yes! Yes! Marry Mommy! I wanna daddy! I wanna daddy! Mommy gonna look like a princess!”
My throat closes up at the words that escape her because they come from a place of true rawness and joy.
I wanna daddy.
It breaks my heart because Alexis doesn’t deserve her deadbeat father that she never sees. She deserves so much more than that. And although I don’t want her calling me ‘dad’ because it isn’t right, it makes me happy that Alexis sees me as something close to that. It has me honored.
“You want me to marry your mommy and be with you and her forever and ever?”
“YESSSSSSS!”
“And you promise to keep it a secret between us because I’m going to surprise Mommy with it next week.”
Retaining her cheeky smile, Alexis is quiet for a moment before she leans in closer to me and whispers, “I won’t tell if you buy me a puppy.”
“Ah.” I smirk, in awe of her ways of persuasion. “I see what this is. You really want a puppy, don’t you, sweetheart?”
She nods like there’s no tomorrow.
“Okay, I’ll buy you a puppy, sweetheart, but first you have to promise to keep this secret safe. Mommy can’t know about this ring, or that I’m going to ask her to marry me, okay?”
“Okay!” Alexis starts dancing on the spot. “I’m going to get a puppy! I’m going to get a puppy!”
I hold out my pinkie finger. “Pinky promise?”
Alexis curls her pinkie with mine. “Pinky promise, Santo!”
I smile warmly and kiss our intertwined pinkies before pulling away and bringing her into a tight embrace filled with warmth, hope, and dreams. Alexis’s arms wrap around my neck so damn cutely as she presses her lips to my ear. “You’re going to be the best prince and Mommy the best princess.”
“And how about you?”
Alexis puts her hands in the air and does jazz hands. “I’m the pumpkin!”
I throw my head back in laughter and Alexis does the same, her fit of giggles making me hold her even closer to me, never wanting to let go of her adoration.
“You’re much more special than that, bella.”
“Okay.” Alexis’s big grin is on display as we pull away. Her cute little hands cup my face, her fingers continuously poking my stubbled jaw as those warm doe eyes lift to mine. “Then I’m Cinderella’s glass slipper because I want all my shoes to sparkle like that!”
I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in my life. Alexis brings so much happiness, so much compassion, so much brightness into my world that if you asked me a year ago, I would never believe it felt so good. I’m not Alexis’s biological father, but being with her brought so much love to my world that it’s almost as if she were mine. That’s exactly how I feel as she takes my big hand in her little one and guides me to the floor to play dolls with her. We play, laugh, and talk for what feels like hours, when in reality it can’t be more than ten minutes.
I swear I could spend my entire life doing this. Being the father she never had because that’s how much Alexis Goldberg means to me. She means everything. And it isn’t because loving Lea means I’m forced to love Alexis. No, it could never be that. The love I have for her daughter is built from a substance so pure and special, it makes me crave marrying Lea even more and expanding our family.
I’ve never had the desire to have a family more than I do right now. Protecting them. Empowering them. Loving them until my very last breath.
It’s all I want.
All I dream.
All I need.
“Can I have an apple, Santo?” Alexis asks just as our dolls sit down on the couch to watch a movie from a non-existent TV, seeing as she’s somehow lost that piece.
I nod, also keeping a mental note to buy her another little toy TV because we definitely don’t want Katie and Destiny to be staring at the wall like that. God, you can totally tell I’m the type of guy that drives a Harley, right?
Standing to my full height, I stretch and smile over at her. “You want the peel off as usual?”
“Mmhmmm. Can I also have some of that ice cream I like?”
I know exactly what she’s talking about—Neapolitan ice cream. Alexis loves all the good shit, just like me.
“But it’s winter, baby.”
“I know, but I LOVE ice cream!”
“Perhaps after dinner, if you finish all of your vegetables and Mommy says yes, okay?”
Alexis rolls her eyes dramatically and huffs. “Okayyy.”
I chuckle because that would totally be my reaction too as a kid. “Let me see those pearly whites. Come on, Lexi.”
Alexis flashes me a grin, a little giggle escaping her, and it’s all I need to know she’s just pretend pissed off at me. We fist pump and then I step out of her bedroom and hurry down the stairs. Red apples are both Lea and Alexis’s favorite fruit, so I manage to stockpile the juicy sweet fruit for them.
Once I’m in the kitchen, my heart skips a beat at the sight of Lea stepping back inside the house through the French doors. She has a white towel wrapped around her body and her wet blonde hair remains up in that slick high bun.
Lea winks over at me as I’m peeling the skin of the red apple with a knife and I smile back.
“Somebody’s happy this afternoon,” she purrs, rounding the kitchen island, and pressing a kiss to my cheek.
“Mmhmm. I came outside and saw you swimming laps. Thought it would be best if I left you to it and not scare the shit out of you. Worked out well as I played some dolls with Lexi instead.”
“That apple for her?”
I nod.
Lea rolls her eyes, a frown on her lips.
Huh?
My brows knit. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s just that Alexis shouldn’t get used to asking for so many things.”
“It’s just an apple, Lea.”
Lea crosses her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes with a frown as if I just sinned. “Today an apple, tomorrow a Ferrari. She’s asking too much of you because she knows you’re the loophole. I say no to something, and you give it to her anyway.”
Sighing, I set down the knife and turn so I fully face Lea. I can’t help but notice the usual spark in her light green eyes has lost its touch, and it feels like I’m looking into a galaxy of uncertainly inside. It has me arching a conserved brow. “Wait, is this about the dollhouse?”
Lea never wanted me to get it. Thought I was wasting my money on something too expensive that Alexis would grow out of. But she’s a three-year-old kid and deserves some elation. It’s every little girl’s dream to own a fancy dollhouse, and I wanted to give that to Alexis not because I could, but because I wanted to. Because I know it would mean something to her.
“I never said it was about the dollhouse.”
“That’s true, but you’re alluding to it—”
“Okay,” Lea huffs, cutting me off with a slight hiss. “It’s about the dollhouse.”
I groan, rubbing my hands over my face. “Lea, I wanted to give Alexis something I know she loved. Please let’s not keep talking about this, because I’m not going back to that conversation. It’s done now. Let Alexis be happy.”
“You see, that’s exactly it, ‘Let Alexis be happy’. Why don’t you go and buy her the whole fucking world, Santo? Buy her every damn thing just because you went to Stanford and have a stable job, this gorgeous house and a good amount of money to your name, while all I have is a few clothes and cheap thrills to mine.”
Gulping down, I shake my head and let out a sigh. My heart stings from this type of tension between us because I hate it when we’re like this. I hate when we concentrate too much on particular topics and let them eat away at us.
I smile softly and attempt to thread my fingers through hers, but she slaps my hand away with glassy eyes. “Don’t touch me, Santo.”
What the hell?
Frowning, I step closer until she’s inches away and finally her eyes land on mine. “Lea, don’t do this,” I murmur, swallowing down thickly. “Please don’t start going on about the money. You know it’s not an issue for me. We’re practically a family now and it makes me happy that I can spend a little on our happiness too.”
“Well, it’s humiliating for me.”
“Why?”
Lea shuts her eyes and it’s as if her entire body depletes as she turns away from me and puts her head in her hands. I haven’t seen her like this for a few months and it pains me to see her so vulnerable and broken, especially after everything we’ve been through. I don’t know why she’s feeling this way. Why she’s choosing to pick a fight that doesn’t need to be reopened.
“Baby,” I whisper, going to wrap my arms around Lea’s waist from behind when she slightly nudges me out of the way with her elbow.
“I said don’t touch me, Santo.”
“Lea, please. What’s going on? Why are you feeling this way? Did something happen at work?”
“No, Santo. Just stop talking.”
“I want to know if something happened, Lea. Did some fucker hurt you?”
“No, I’m okay.”
“You don’t look okay—”
“Fine. I missed a few therapy sessions and am not feeling like myself again. Is that good enough for you? Huh? Or will you just not understand because I need to grow the fuck up like you once told me, huh?”
My heart sinks. “Lea, why would you do that? You know we can talk about this. I’m always here to talk. You don’t have to push me away or mock me like that based on a heated conversation when you were drunk. I would never shame you for skipping therapy, you know that. Your health means so much to me and I understand it more than anybody else in this worl—”
“Shut the fuck up, Santo!” Lea growls, her voice so tense before she shakes in a fit of tears. “All you do is make it worse.”
What?
My mouth parts and for a second no words escape. I pull my hands back, right into the back of my jeans pockets and simply wait for her to make the next move. I don’t want to push her, but I also have this urgency to get to the bottom of this. This isn’t like Lea, isn’t like her to swat away my touch, talk to me like this, and not want anything to do with me.
It’s as if her personality changed in two-point-five seconds and I have no idea as to why. It hurts. Burns. Aches because my forever girl is standing right in front of me and I have that diamond ring in my leather jacket pocket, destined to seal our fate. But that’s the thing about fate. It can never be too certain.
I can’t take seeing Lea like this anymore and reach up my hand, my warm fingers tracing the skin of her cold back in a bid to calm her down, but it only seems to agitate her more. “I said don’t touch me. What don’t you understand about that?”
Fuck.
I instantly retract my hands behind my back. “I’m sorry,” I say without hesitation and clench my jaw twice. “I just want to make sure you’re okay, that’s all. I’m just concerned with how you were okay a minute ago and now you’re—”
“I’m okay,” Lea snaps before my words are even out. She doesn’t sound one bit okay.
We stay in silence like this for what feels like forever, but I’m a respectful kind of guy and listen to what Lea said. I don’t touch her. I don’t say a word. I don’t do anything to jeopardize the likelihood of her opening up to me when she’s ready. I simply wait for her to be ready.
Wordlessly, I finish peeling Alexis’s apple and bring it up to her with a napkin and a little plate. She thanks me with bright eyes and asks me to continue playing with her, but I tell her I’m in the middle of a conversation with Mommy, but as soon as it’s finished, I’ll join her. That seems to content her and I slowly walk downstairs, sucking in a deep breath when I see Lea in the exact same position as before.
Her eyes are shut as it’s as if she’s thinking of something that’s destroying her from somewhere deep inside with her face scrunched up like that.
“I saw you looking at it,” Lea whispers lowly in the silence.
I halt by the oversized kitchen island on the opposite side of her. I saw you looking at it. My brows furrow deeper. My mind spirals, trying to figure out what she means.
“You saw me looking at what?”
“Earlier I looked up while I was swimming a lap. You didn’t see me. I saw you looking into something small, like a box.”
My heart drops. “Oh, fuck.”
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Lea wasn’t supposed to find out like this. I wanted to be all romantic and all smiles. Not this. Not this dead silence in the heart of my home.
Lea turns to me, tears rolling down her cheeks. “What was it?”
Without hesitation, I ignore the heavy beating in my chest and blindly pull out the ring box and set it on the kitchen island. Slowly, Lea comes around the other side, her eyes never leaving the red velvet box. She sniffles away a few tears as she picks it up. I’ve never felt this nervous in my life because while before I was certain marriage was what we both wanted, now I’m not so sure.
Lea flips open the box, and a gasp escapes her lips.
“Why?” she whispers, her breath so low. “Why would you do this?”
“Because I love you, Lea. I love you and I so desperately want to call you my wife. Of course I wanted this to go differently. I wanted to make this moment romantic, would have gotten down on one knee, made Alexis involved in some way… but in essence, I know we’ve been through hell and back. I know this life isn’t easy, but there isn’t anybody else I would rather live it with than with you right here by my side…”
Lea studies the huge diamond ring and a part of me breaks when she slaps it shut and turns to me with eyes raged in fury. “I can’t. No, I can’t marry you, Santo. Not like this…”
My entire world stops and my heart shatters into billions of little, tiny pieces.
It feels like I can’t fucking breathe. Can’t think. Can’t breathe.
I can’t marry you, Santo.
“Lea, I…”
“How could you think this was a good idea? We aren’t ready for this, Santo. We’ve barely known each other a year and Alexis is way too young to even think about a stepfather. This is just too much.”
“I don’t understand. I thought you wanted this,” I mumble, stepping closer to her, not feeling the slightest bit better when she allows me to cup her jaw and gaze into those glassy eyes. “I thought you wanted this too. If this is about Alexis, then I get it, but I’m not going to fuck off like her father did. I would never do that to you both. I told you from the very first day that I respect that I’m not her father and that it’ll never be like that between us, but I love Alexis so fucking much. I feel like… it’s more than just Alexis. Fuck, Lea, you told me you wanted to start a family with me one day. Was it all just a lie?”
Lea gulps down and avoids my eyes as she sets the ring box on the kitchen island and shakes her head. “I can’t do this, Santo.”
“Do what?”
“Tell you how I really feel when you’re looking at me like that.”
“How am I looking at you?”
“Like I’m breaking your heart.”
Because you are.
Swallowing thickly, I slap a hand over my chest as a vein pinches. Fuck, it feels like somebody’s killing me from the inside out, like there’s this toxin running across my whole body, and I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like a fool. Such a fucking fool for reading this all wrong.
Lea doesn’t want me.
Perhaps she never did. Perhaps this was all a game. A wicked fucking game.
My clenched jaw tightens. “Was this all just a lie, Lea? Shit, do you even love me?”
Lea’s deafening silence is enough to confirm everything I’ve ever been afraid of, and it kills me that I didn’t see this sooner. Didn’t see the cracks in the way. I knew we were shifting, knew there were parts of our relationship that were trembling away and ripping at the seams, but these cracks… I never felt them before. Never felt so used and betrayed in my entire life.
“I love you with everything I fucking have, Lea, everything. There isn’t a piece of me that isn’t in love with you. We live together. You trust me with your daughter. We’re in a damn relationship, and now this is all a freaking game to you? I don’t understand. I don’t understand the reasons behind it.”
Lea’s light green eyes soften at my words, and she shakes her head, her towel slipping and landing between our feet in a thud when she steps forward. “It isn’t a game, Santo… believe me.”
“That’s not what you said a minute ago.”
“Because I wasn’t expecting it to actually be an engagement ring!” Lea says, all matter-of-fact. “Look, Santo, you’re young. So young. At twenty-three, your life is just beginning. You should be living it, enjoying every second of it, not tied down to a wife and a child already, especially a child that isn’t even yours.”
Seriously? That sets me off.
“My age has nothing to do with this. Lea, you’re only a few years older. That’s nothing. Marriage doesn’t equal being tied down, it equals unconditional love, passion, devotion. Understanding each other more than anybody else in the entire world. Having priorities, and you and Alexis are my priorities. I thought you of all people would know that.”
“Alexis is my priority, she isn’t yours. You don’t owe her anything.”
“Yes, I do, I fucking love that kid, Lea. You know that. Don’t make this something it isn’t. If you don’t want to be with me, if you don’t love me, then I’ll accept it and as much as it pains me, we can go our separate ways. But if you’re only saying this to try and change my mind, then stop. Don’t put words in my mouth, especially when it comes to Alexis.”
“You literally just finished college. You don’t know what you want from your life.”
“I think I fucking know what I want more than you,” I growl. “I proposed. I’m ready to start my life. I may be young, yes, but I was built on resilience and passion. I come from a proud Italian family. I know how to love the fuck out of somebody… and that’s exactly what I wanted to continue to do forever with you, Lea. I wanted to love the fuck out of you until I couldn’t breathe no more and—”
“I met somebody.”
Silence.
My mouth drops and it feels as though the air is being punctured from my lungs. “What?”
Lea’s entire face crumbles as she shakes her head and covers her face. “I never meant to hurt you, Santo. I never meant for this to happen,” she breathes, heavy emotions in her words for the first time this evening.
“Who?”
“Santo, I—”
“Who is he, Lea?”
“I wasn’t going to tell you, but… Michael contacted me a couple of months ago.”
“Alexis’s father?”
Lea nods, bringing her hands away from her face to reveal just how broken she is. I want nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and kiss her and tell her everything is going to be okay, but not after tonight. Not after everything that’s unfolding. Not now when there’s a chance that she… fuck.
This doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels real.
Taking a seat on one of the barstools, it takes everything within me not to just explode. Instead, I stay quiet, rubbing a hand over my mouth and stubble as I glance over at her with a look of complete heartache.
She cheated…?
Lea shakes her head to herself and begins to tremble as she picks up the towel from the hardwood floors and rewraps it around herself. The second her light eyes meet mine, she pierces her lips together and it’s as if she’s forcing herself to breathe. Like she’ll miss a breath if she doesn’t concentrate.
“Santo, please say something. I know I’m a mess and all over the place, I know, I just…” She squeezes her eyes shut. “I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you like this.”
My jaw tenses. “What happened?”
“Michael kept calling and eventually I agreed to meet with him. I knew you would have been cautious about it, so I decided not to tell you. He told me his mother passed. She and I used to get along, so it meant a lot to me that he let me know. I didn’t go into the meeting with any other intentions. You have to believe me on that, Santo. Michael felt bad about how we left everything and I… I summoned the strength to forgive him. He said he regretted pushing me away when I needed him the most and it was so genuine… it reminded me of when he and I were together, before the bullshit. I told him I was with somebody, you. He made a point about wanting to see Alexis and I said we should take things slow with how we approach the matter. Alexis doesn’t even remember him. Then… then remember when you went to Florida with your parents last month for two weeks and I had just gotten the job at the café, so I couldn’t come, but you took Alexis?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Well… Michael asked me out to dinner and…”
I gulp down, my heart already palpitating at where this is going. “And?”
“Santo, I—”
“Continue. The. Story.”
“I said yes.” Letting out a breath, Lea slides onto the barstool beside me and lowers her gaze to her hands. “I went out with him. I continued to do so almost every night you and Alexis were away, and I realized the spark I had with him… came back. I’ve never felt that way before, not even with you. I… I cheated, Santo. We were intimate. Every time we met except for the first time. Things just got wild, and we weren’t careful and… it… it just happened.”
Dio.
She cheated.
I can’t fucking breathe.
“What just happened?”
Lea’s eyes meet mine and all I see is guilt.
“I’m pregnant.” Her voice breaks on the final words. “Five weeks. It’s… Michael’s. The timeline just adds up with him, and besides, it’s virtually impossible it’s yours since we always use protection, but with Michael… I… I just got carried away.”
“Jesus Christ, Lea…” My eyes shift to her flat stomach covered by the towel and swimsuit. “You’re pregnant?”
Moments of silence pass.
“Yes. Santo, I’m so sorry. I should have confronted you when you came back from the trip, but I didn’t have the strength.” She takes a breath. “I can’t marry you because it’s not fair for you to live with the repercussions of my actions. I continued to stay here because… because I don’t know why. Some hope that my guilt would wash away and things would get better, I guess…”
“I’ll tell you why you continued to stay here,” I hiss, feeling heat rise up my neck and face. A vein pulses in my forehead and I completely lose control. All I see is fucking red, because I’m breaking at the seams. “Because it’s convenient for you. If I never proposed, I bet you would have manipulated me into believing that somehow luck was on our side and the baby was mine. Well, guess what, I finally get it, Lea. I finally get what you do. You use people for what you want until you get bored and move on to the next best thing. You play fucking mind games, make me feel sorry for you, make me have empathy, then you stab me in the back and cheat on me. I’ve never felt this fucking disgusted in my entire life.”
Lea can’t stop shaking her head. “No, no, that’s not it at all—”
“No, that’s exactly what you do. I fell in love with you, only for you to burn the world to my feet,” I growl, standing up from the barstool. “You see this?” I grip the ring box and wave it around before angrily throwing it across the fucking kitchen and it slams into the stovetop with a loud bang. “That’s how I fucking feel—useless and used.”
“Santo, please stop. Let’s just talk about it.”
“There’s nothing left to talk about, Lea. You said it all perfectly. I cannot believe you would deceive me like this. I never in a million years thought we’d end like this. I would have gone to the end of the freaking world for you, Lea. The end of the world… but apparently that isn’t good enough for you. Have Michael. Have him. You know who I feel sorry for in this whole story? That little girl upstairs. Alexis. Because she doesn’t deserve the fucked up life you’re giving her by using people to get where you need before letting go.”
“I don’t want to let you go, Santo.”
“Why? Because it felt good when you were playing me, huh?” I scoff. “You already made your choice, Lea. You made your choice the second you said ‘yes’ to that piece of shit and went behind my back. Congratulations. Congratulations, Alexis is finally going to get what she always wanted, to be a big sister… and this time it’s happiness I didn’t buy her. It’s happiness you created in sacrifice of our relationship. Or should I say, lack thereof now…” I kick the barstool back under the kitchen island. The metallic scraping against the hardwood floors echoes in my mind, alongside the throbbing pain inside me. “I’m leaving. I need a breather.”
“No, Santo!” Lea pleads, reaching out to grip my bicep when I attempt to walk away. “Please, I don’t want it to end like this. Let’s talk this out rationally.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re over, Lea. Don’t know if you heard yourself straight, but I just learned that my partner had an affair with her ex-boyfriend and is now pregnant with his child. The same man who neglected her for over three years with another child. So, excuse me if I need some time to catch my fucking breath.”
I can’t believe this. Can’t fucking believe this. Slipping out of her grip, I grab my wallet and phone from the counter and put them in my pockets.
Lea’s eyes narrow. “You walk out of that door, and I will never let you in again!”
“It’s my damn house, Lea.”
“I’ll burn it down to the ground!”
“God.” I chuckle coldly, shaking my head to myself. “You really need to check yourself out. One day you’re going to look around and realize this is life, not some sick game you are playing.”
“You did this to me, Santo. You made me this way. You’re the devil that burned me. It could have been perfect, and you had to fuck it up with a ring.”
“Are you serious?” I turn to her and take three strides until I’m right in front of her. She glances up at me all intimately and I scoff, shaking my head once again as I gaze between her eyes. Apart from all the anger, there’s sadness that settles in my chest, sadness of what we could have been, and I feel it right this second. “The only person who ruined us is you, Lea,” I whisper genuinely. “I don’t say that to victim blame. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I hope you find what you want with Michael. I hope you’re happy. I hope he can give you everything I apparently can’t. I wish your baby boy or girl a beautiful life. I wish you the best in life too, Lea, but I can’t be a part of it anymore. Not like this. Not when love is a one-sided feeling.”
Tears roll down Lea’s cheeks and she opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She’s crumbling right here in front of me, and I can’t do a single thing to help her.
I thought about saving her. I used to think love equals helping the person you love out of the burning flames. Now I know there’s only so much you can do before you’re bound to get burned too. It’s up to that person to not enter the Devil’s doors in the first place. Because once you’re in, there’s no coming out.
“I’m sorry, Santo,” she cries.
“I want you out of this house by the end of this weekend. I’ll stay at a hotel until then. Don’t even think of calling. I won’t answer.” I gulp down and lean forward, letting my anger subside for a second because there’s a part of me that wants her to know I’ve done all I can to save us. Now it’s time to let go. Letting go of a heavy breath, I press a soft kiss to her wet cheek and whisper, “Please tell Alexis I love her, and that I’ll never forget her. Take the dollhouse. I want her to remember the Christmas that never came for us.”
The prospect of never seeing Alexis again kills me. But I think it’ll be worse if I need to say goodbye. I wouldn’t know what to say, how to react. It’s better this way. It’s better this way if I just walk away now and when I return, there’s nothing left of them.
Sucking in another brave face, I have to ignore the burning sensation across my chest and knot at the back of my throat as I turn my back and walk away from her. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the fear in Lea’s eyes, one of complete and utter destruction. It saddens me that this is how I’ll remember her… how I’ll remember us.
I’m at the front door, my fingers clasping the handle, when scurried footsteps rush behind me. I turn around at the last minute to see Lea standing before me in just her one-piece swimsuit, all frazzled and in tears… and then I see it, the sharp shiny blade that catches the light of my eye. It’s the same knife I used to cut Alexis’s apple. The same one I never got to wash and put away in time.
Oh fuck.
“If you leave, it’ll all be your fault!” Lea sobs, softly lowering the tip of the knife to her chest, which frantically rises up and down. “If you leave, I’ll do something you’ll never forget. I’ll make you remember me for the rest of your life. I’ll make you suffer, Santo. I’ll make you hate me even more for haunting you from another world while you’re still in this one.”
My breaths slow. Oh, God.
No. No. No.
“Whoa, whoa, Lea. Put the knife down,” I plead, raising my hands up in defense. “You’re not thinking this straight. Please, put the knife down.”
“I’ll make your life a living hell, Santo. One you’ll never believe existed, believe me.”
“Lea, put the knife down. Think of Alexis and—”
“She’s not going to save me,” Lea hisses, her grip on the knife’s handle tighter. “Don’t you get it, Santo? Nobody in this entire world can save me but you. Please forgive me, Santo.”
“I can’t.”
“Forgive me, please.”
I launch forward toward the knife, desperate to throw it out of Lea’s grip, but instead she’s one step ahead and turns the knife toward me and it all happens too fast. Lea stabs the sharp blade into my right hand, puncturing the skin deep and my breath staggers.
Holy shit.
A groan escapes my lips at the instant sharp pain and throb as Lea pulls out the knife and warm blood gushes out, hindering my ability to even think. The stinging agony is nothing compared to the hysterical look on Lea’s face as I glance at her, my mouth parted through the grunts as I press my bleeding hand against my jacket to compress it.
“Fuck,” I hiss, panicking when I go to move my fingers on my right hand and I’m numb to the sensation. I can’t feel a single thing. “Oh, fuck! Lea! Lea, please put the knife down! LEA!”
The cling of metal taunts me as the knife crashes down on the floor. Lea’s eyes stay parallel to my bleeding hand, devilishly darkening in appearance when I take a step back, hitting my back against the wall. It feels like a full minute passes of our soft pants and deadly stare. It’s only when she sucks in a deep breath and her face crumbles to pure distress that she parts her lips and says, “You want to leave, Santo? Go!”
“Lea—”
“GO! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
Swallowing thickly, I wince at the pain in my hand and glance at her pained light eyes before stepping out the door and slamming it shut behind me. I can’t let go of my clenched jaw or my heavy heart as the cool California air tickles my spine, shaking me to the core. My entire body is pressed against the door, waiting for the unknown, because I don’t have it in me to move. I know I was the one who said I was leaving. I know I need to go to the ER. But my heart’s not in it.
Shutting my eyes, I grit against the agony in my hand as I slowly count to fifty and return to normal breaths.
Everything’s going to be okay, Lisconti.
Everything’s going to be okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Oka—BANG! BANG! BANG!
What the fuck? My eyes slam open. What the fuck was that? My heart stops at the loud sounds from inside the house. It sounded like a… like a…
Everything inside me stops. No. No, it couldn’t be. It’s impossible.
I bolt through the door, desperately wanting to prove myself wrong, but I’m too late.
Crimson.
Crimson.
Crimson.
It’s all I see.
Oh, God.
Lea is on her knees, gun slipping from her grip as she clutches her chest as it oozes blood all through the swimsuit fabric, all over the floor, all over my heart. My eyes widen in horror. Oh, Dio. She shot herself. Lea shot herself. This is all my fault. All my fault for stepping out.
“No. No, God, no, Lea,” I cry, my vision blurring as I fall to my knees in front of her, desperate to help compress the wounds, but it’s no use. Red soaks my hands. “Why? Why would you do that? Baby, baby, stay with me. Please stay with me. I’m going to call nine-one-one.”
Where the hell did she get the gun?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“This is all your fault, Santo. I hate you,” Lea whispers, her voice a raw strain as tears swim in her dim eyes. “I’ll hate you forever. Remember that.”
This is your fault, Santo.
I’ll hate you forever.
Her words haunt me as I pull out my phone from my back pocket and frantically dial the number. The screen turns into a bloody mess. Shit. She’s losing too much blood. Lea cries out my name in haunting screams I’ll remember forever. Santo, Santo, SANTO… over and over and over again, until it all fades into a sea of nothingness. It all happens in seconds as Lea’s face crunches up. She inhales her last sharp breath and lifelessly collapses to the hardwood floors, the story of us becoming swallowed in a wave of cruel fate I never knew existed…
Not when the operator’s voice floods through the speaker, but it’s all too late. Especially not when I look up and see Alexis at the bottom of the staircase, gripping onto her plush giraffe toy. It feels as though my heart is bleeding out too and I can’t take all the guilt that ruptures through it, plaguing me.
Not now as my breaths slow to a rate that feels almost unsurvivable.
Not as Alexis begins to cry hysterically and stares at me as if I’m her lifeline.
Not when her mommy just darkened the light in our world… all because of me…
All because of Santo…
