Something’s happening.
I can feel the shift in Hayden. In our dynamic. It’s like a living thing, breathing in and out, giving and taking.
Me submitting and him claiming.
His yearning for connection isn’t lost on me. In fact, it causes a deep stirring within, pulling it from the depths of my soul. I’ve always wanted to bond with another person, and I thought I’d have it with Adam, but I was mistaken.
Can I have it with Hayden?
As if privy to my thoughts, he draws back. Only a little, but enough for me to see his gaze and the turbulence within.
Confusion wars with logic.
Desire battles with skepticism.
Vulnerability fights with the need for connection.
What will win in the end?
I press my hand against his cheek, anchoring myself to him before whatever storm is brewing inside him is released; a tempest that will wreck me. Completely.
“Are you all right?” I ask. However soft, my voice is an intruder during this emotional conflict.
Hayden’s brow furrows. “I believe I should ask you that question since you were the one experiencing a panic attack.”
“How’d you know?”
“My mother used to have them.”
Any embarrassment I had at being seen in such a vulnerable state evaporates like a puff of smoke. The stench of it all lingers. It permeates the room, causing my stomach to roil, my muscles clenching.
All on Hayden’s behalf.
Maybe he didn’t have an easy childhood like I’d assumed. My heart aches for him.
“I used to help her through them as best I could,” he says. “But there’s only so much you can do when a person’s under the influence of drugs.”
I sweep my thumb over the angles of his cheek, wanting to comfort him in any way I can. I told Hayden he could take whatever he needed from me, and I meant it. If he only knew the things I’d be willing to give him…
All because of this intimate moment.
I finally see Hayden as a human being with both flaws and feelings. It makes me want to curl inside his arms and never leave. From what I’ve gathered, we’ve both lost a loved one and are in need of someone who understands.
And I do. Deeply.
He closes his eyes, leaning into my touch. “No one should have to suffer through that alone.”
“Thank you.” I blink back tears when my vision blurs. “I don’t usually have an audience during my episodes. I haven’t had one since my father died.”
“I’m so sorry for that, Callie.”
“Hayden.” I pull him to me until our foreheads touch. “I can tell you really mean that, and if you want to help me, please find his killer.”
He stiffens under my fingertips. “I’m not sure redemption can be found for that person.”
“I’m not after redemption, or even revenge. I want understanding more than anything.”
“Understanding.“ His breath whispers over my lips. “You never cease to amaze me. After everything, you should want blood… yet your heart remains pure.”
I shrug. “I’m still grieving and angry about his death. I’m not perfect.”
“I disagree.”
His hand slides to my nape, fingers massaging away my turmoil even as he holds me captive. His touch sends shivers through me, adding to the minuscule trembling still skating through my body. Concealing the way he affects me.
“You can trust me to find the person responsible and make them pay.” His gaze bores into mine. “Just tell me the name of the hospital.”
As much as I want to give Hayden the answers he’s seeking, the cost of him knowing is too high. It’s a debt I never asked for and something I can’t get rid of, no matter how hard I try.
I smile up at him, but it’s full of sadness and remorse. “I can’t.”
