For me, Noah had always been a drug, a drug that knocked me out with her mere presence. Everything about her made me want to get closer to her; she turned me into a junkie, a weakling.
It had been hard for me to get away from her. It had hurt knowing I’d never touch her again, never kiss her, that I wouldn’t be there to take care of her, that she wasn’t the love of my life… Pain turned to hatred so fast, it even scared me. I had opened up to her, had given her my heart and soul, and she had done the very thing I was most afraid of: she’d betrayed me. In all those times thinking of everything that could go wrong, it had never passed through my head that she’d let another guy touch her. That fucking psychologist. I couldn’t even think of him. His mere name made me see red, and I could barely hold on to my sanity.
That guy had touched my girlfriend, had taken off her clothes… The image of it, which was impossible to erase, must have been the thing that had truly broken me. Never in my life had I felt so horrible, so utterly miserable… A wall rose around me. I became someone else. I no longer had room for anything but the barest feelings of a man without a soul. What little capacity for love I held on to was there for my little sister. And that was it.
I’d worked so hard to make absolutely sure I’d never cross her path, and now seeing her again had thrown me off completely. I was furious…enraged… Just one look at her had made me feel something again, made my heart speed up, my breaths turn to panting, and I hated it. I hated that feeling, any feeling. I didn’t have feelings anymore; I had gotten used to not feeling, and now she was here torturing me, and it made me want to drag her off with me to my private hell.
She was every bit as irresistible as ever, every bit as tempting, and she was right fucking there…and something about my presence made her shrink. She no longer had that glimmer, that air of superiority that had always been behind her every word. This Noah had changed, too; she wasn’t the same, and I hated…the pain, I hated seeing what had become of us, I hated blaming her.
When I stopped, she hurried out of the car, unfastened Jeremy’s seat belt, took him out, and jogged off to the vineyard without waiting for me. Her shorts and her plain yellow blouse had penetrated my defenses and thrown me off guard.
I could smell her fragrance, that aroma she and she alone possessed, the same one I still dreamed of on certain nights and that woke me up with a huge erection and the desire to strangle someone… That damned scent had now seeped into every inch of my car, and worst, most irritating of all, was that a part of me had enjoyed it, like an alcoholic taking a sip of brandy after years of abstinence. I hadn’t even opened the windows; I hadn’t managed to avoid all those images from the past coming back to haunt me, reminding me of the things I could do to sate that need I still had for her and always would.
I looked up to where my best friends were going to marry. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I found out Lion had asked for Jenna’s hand a month after Noah and I had broken up. My friend had kept it secret like a pro. A part of me was thankful for that. I was happy for them, but it also rubbed salt in the wound.
Corey Creek Vineyards was a lovely place to get married. I had gone there more than once to walk between the vines and buy a bottle of their surprisingly good merlot. Jenna and her father had taken me with them. I remembered riding horses there and sometimes catching sight of newlywed couples. One of the owners was friends with my father and Greg, so they’d often given us the run of the place.
Jenna told us where to go: first a tasteful reception in the winery itself, with its high wooden beams and animal-skin carpets, probably trophies from the owners’ hunts. There were oil lamps and big crystal chandeliers hanging almost menacingly over our heads. Jenna was standing close to a stressed-looking Asian woman. A few minutes later, they introduced her to me as Amy, the wedding planner.
We went out back, where the vineyards started, and I knew for a fact the wedding was going to be magnificent, just like the ones I had seen there before, or maybe even better.
They’d put the altar with the flowers overlooking the vineyards, which seemed to extend forever below the July sun. There were benches and bouquets that had yet to be arranged, but I had an idea of how everything would look when it was done.
“The best man and the maid of honor?” Amy asked, looking back and forth.
Noah stepped forward, looked back at me furtively, and listened closely to Amy’s words. Then Amy took me by the arm a minute later and told me where we had to stand. We were arranged in pairs: first Lion and his mother, then Jenna’s mother and Jeremy, who seemed interested in anything except what the wedding planner was telling him, and finally, Jenna and her father.
Standing next to Noah, I did everything I could to try and cover up my irritation.
When Amy came over to us, noticing we were the only two who barely touched each other, she scowled and asked us, “What the heck is up with you guys?”
No idea, babe. No fucking idea.
I could feel Noah staring at me, and I had to count to ten not to say to hell with it all and run away.
