Like a leper—that’s how Nicholas was treating me. When Amy stared at us like a couple of idiots, I swear I nearly died of embarrassment.
“Noah, come on, take his arm,” she said, motioning energetically.
I turned to him, afraid of his reaction. He just stared straight ahead and motioned for me to do as the woman had said.
His arm was hard beneath mine, and an electric current seemed to run through us. I looked up and watched him briefly close his eyes. After that, there wasn’t much time to analyze our feelings because Amy made us go back and forth ten times, change formation, start off on our right foot, not go too slow or too fast… Jeremy was the one who had the hardest time with it. On the third go-round, he decided he’d had enough and wanted to go play.
It was terrible. Nicholas wouldn’t even look at me. He acted like I didn’t exist, and I got so tense, my arm fell asleep. Everyone else was laughing and chatting and acting silly whenever Amy turned away.
Night soon fell, and we couldn’t rehearse anymore. Amy wasn’t convinced by our performance, but at least Jenna and Lion had a good idea of the order of operations and who had to do what when.
Jeremy had fallen asleep by then, and he didn’t wake up when we packed him in the back of the car. This time, he wouldn’t notice what Nicholas and I were saying.
At first, the silence was deafening. Nick didn’t even turn on the radio. The road was straight, and the sky, as dark as my thoughts Being there alone, in such a small space, with so many thoughts throbbing just below the surface, I felt myself drowning; I couldn’t bear his indifference. I needed him to know what I still felt for him. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t see me anymore, if his love for me had become something ugly. I just needed to do something.
“Nick…” I said, looking straight ahead.
I knew he’d heard me, even if my voice was just a whisper.
“I’m still in love with you.”
“Shut up, Noah,” he ordered between clenched teeth.
I turned to face him, my heart in my throat. He was looking ahead, his jaw so tense, I was afraid of what was coming next. But I didn’t let him intimidate me, I needed him to know.
“I’m still in love with you, Nicholas…”
“I told you to shut up,” he said, turning to me and glowering. “You think I care what you feel about me? Your words don’t mean shit, so you can save your breath. We’re going to do this stupid wedding tomorrow, and then we never have to see each other again.”
How could I be so stupid? What did I think was going to happen? That he was going to tell me he felt the same?
A tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it off, but another came, then another, then another.
He didn’t love me anymore. Nicholas didn’t love me anymore. Worse, he didn’t even want me in his life. All that we’d been through together didn’t matter; it didn’t matter how many times he’d sworn he loved me more than anything—he had just told me it was over. Forever.
I know we’d been apart for ten months, but all that time, we hadn’t seen each other, hadn’t talked, and a part of me had refused to believe that it was over. I’d hoped somehow I’d see him again and find out he was just as much in love with me as I was in love with him.
How wrong I’d been.
During the rehearsal dinner, I didn’t speak a word to anyone. I sat next to Luca. He did the talking for both of us. When I had the chance, I escaped to my room and cried into my pillow until I fell asleep, my mind playing tricks on me, forcing me to remember every moment, every caress, every word spoken, every mistake.
The distance between us hurt so much, it was as if every tear I cried were a drop of blood drained from my heart.
The next morning, I was exhausted, and worst of all, it was the day of the wedding, and I had to look good, keep smiling, be the best maid of honor in history. I couldn’t drop the act till the night was over. Tired as I was, it seemed impossible.
I washed my face with cold water and looked at myself in the mirror, realizing how much I had changed in those months. Something was different: the look in my eyes, it was sad now. All I wanted was to get out of there. For hours, my psychologist—my new psychologist—had talked to me about how what had happened with Nicholas didn’t need to define my future: there were millions of men in the world; I was young and pretty, and any of them would fall in love with me in an instant. But just thinking about getting close to someone, the mere possibility of it, made me sick. I would remember how things had ended the last time I was with another man, and that reminded me of the dangers of being with anyone who wasn’t Nicholas. I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to pull myself together. I couldn’t go on like that. It was just one more day. One day, and then I wouldn’t see him again… When I felt the pain overtake me again, I stared at my reflection and forced myself to calm down.
It’s over, Noah. Forget him, forget him, the sooner the better… Do it now, or you’ll never get over it.
That little voice in my head had been pursuing me all morning. Luckily, Nicholas was at the vineyard with Lion, where they’d be getting dressed. I was staying home with Jenna. We’d be the last to leave; not even her parents would be riding with us. When Jenna was ready—she was stunning; she took my breath away—I got misty-eyed. Good thing the makeup we were wearing was tear-proof.
My tailored red dress fit like a glove. They’d chosen that color because the room would be full of red roses, and Jenna’s bouquet would be red roses, too. It was silk and lace, hung to the floor, and had a slit up the side to show off one leg, with a V neck and thin lace covering my bust and arms—like Jenna’s wedding dress, but hers was white. Against her dark complexion, with her perfect figure, it looked amazing. Lion would lose his mind, I knew, and I told her so.
Jenna was so excited, I’d worked extra-hard to keep her from noticing how sad I was those days. I devoted all my energy to taking care of her, supporting her, calming her down. We’d laughed, drunk champagne, and I’d listened attentively to her every worry, trying to help as much as I could.
Amy came into Jenna’s room and told us it was time to go.
I was nervous, but I kept it in. Hundreds of people were going to be there, some of them very important. If it had been my wedding, I wouldn’t have been able to take all those people watching me walk to the altar. I’d never really thought about what I wanted my wedding day to be like, but all that craziness…that wasn’t for me.
A white limousine was waiting for us by the door. I helped Jenna down the stairs so she wouldn’t trip. When we were in the back seat, sitting in a puff of tulle and lace, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Who’d have thought we’d be here after that night when you slapped the shit out of Lion?” I said.
Jenna laughed along with me, and I tried to take a mental snapshot of that moment, which was so beautiful. Us slightly buzzed off champagne, cracking up in a limo, our nerves frazzled, was something I’d never forget. My friend was the very image of love and happiness.
When we reached the vineyard, the organizer told us to go straight through the winery to the back door and out to where the altar was set up and the guests were waiting. We could hear the murmurs of people surely as nervous as we were, but when Jenna’s father started walking over, we both breathed a little easier. As much as we wanted to feel like we were adults, the presence of a real adult, a responsible one, was calming in that moment.
Mr. Tavish’s smile lit up the room. My heart ached when I saw the tenderness in his eyes as he looked at his daughter. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, hugged him, and grabbed his arm to follow him to the doors leading outside. But, of course, Nicholas and I would have to go out first.
I looked around for him, but he wasn’t there. When I opened the door to peek out, I almost bumped into him. I looked up from his chest to his eyes and saw him looking down at me. I was hurt, the way I’d been every time I’d seen him, but I was angry, too, and bitter at what he’d said to me the night before. I held on to that bitterness. It would get me through the night. At least, that’s what I was telling myself.
He stared me up and down, and when his gaze rested on my face, I think he was surprised to see me scowling.
“We go out in two,” I said, then turned around. I knew he was behind me. I could feel his eyes on my back and neck. My hair was pulled back into a high ponytail with a few curls, and it reached the middle of my back. Knowing his tastes, I was certain that lace back was making him hot, even if he hated me with all his might.
Despite all that had happened, we’d never stop wanting each other. One look at his blue suit, his gray tie, his white shirt, his incredible body, his presence, had thrown me off course completely… Why in God’s name did he have to be so good-looking?
Couldn’t he have lost fifteen pounds the way I had? Couldn’t he have dropped his standoffish air? Why weren’t his eyes swollen from crying like mine, instead of retaining that gorgeous celestial blue that seemed tailor made to make any woman melt?
In a side room, I found the wedding planner helping Jenna with her dress while her assistant gave orders to people. The music started on the other side of the door, and a big hand touched my lower back—a little too low for comfort.
Amy motioned for us to stand at the head of the line before I could say anything, and Nicholas guided me softly forward until we were standing in front of the closed door.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm down.
“Take my arm, Noah,” Nicholas said, and I swear his voice, just his whisper, made me tremble. It had been so long since I’d heard him sound like that…
I did what I was supposed to do, wrapping my arm around his, feeling his tense muscles. We waited for our cue. When it came, we walked to the altar in what I assumed would be our last act as a couple.
The ceremony was perfect. Lion nearly cried when he saw Jenna. I did cry. Damn it, why did I have to be so sensitive?
They read the vows, repeated the words I do, and that was it: they were bound for life. When they leaned in for a kiss that made more than one guest blush, I looked at Nicholas, and to my surprise, he was looking at me. It was one of those magic instants when everything around you seems to disappear and all that matters is the person in front of you. Would that be the last night we’d ever see each other? After a while, I looked away because the intensity in his eyes was about to make me faint.
We walked out behind the bride and groom. I touched his arm—for the last time? We were holding each other, but at someone else’s behest, and it was almost like it wasn’t real. That hurt so much that when we crossed the threshold, I turned around and walked away. I needed to get a hold of myself, and fast.
