We go through the rest of the material that is going to be covered on the exam tomorrow and it doesn’t take long for Cameron to show that he really doesn’t need me. Our intense tutoring and study sessions lately have proven a lot in terms of his mental capabilities. He almost played it off like he was stupid, but he’s not in the slightest.
He has a different style of learning and once I was able to figure that out, it was easy to teach him the material. I could easily pass him my notes after class and he would know enough from that. We could completely bypass these sessions altogether.
I’m not saying that that’s what I want. Because once this arrangement is over, I think our other one goes along with it. And we’re only getting started with the added benefits to our friendship.
Saturday night was an experience with him I don’t think I will ever be able to erase from my mind. And I’m not sure I ever want to. Even if this is all our friendship will ever be—even if it ends after this semester—there is an undeniable connection between us and it’s evident after what happened between us the other night.
Cameron Sawyer is unlike anyone I’ve ever met… and I’m not sure I’m ready to let him go after the end of the semester. And I’m not sure what scares me more—the thought of the semester ending and this being done between us or the fact that I’m not ready for this to end.
Feelings aren’t an option and I need all of these feelings to disappear immediately.
“So, are you doing anything this weekend?” Cam asks me as he helps me close up my books and tucks them into my bag for me. “I know Delilah likes to attempt to drag you out to parties, even though that’s not your scene.”
I cringe as the memory of the party Delilah took me to this past Saturday plays on repeat in my mind. I should really track down Leo and apologize for the way Cam behaved. I would be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on, but I felt kind of bad. And plus, if I end up going to med school at Drezel, Leo could prove to be a valuable resource there.
“Yeah, no,” I shake my head, a nervous laugh falling from my lips. “Next time she drags me to a party, it’s not going to be one where there’s a bunch of random people. You’re right, it’s not my scene.”
Cam’s lips curl upward as he slowly stands up, grabbing the strap of my bag as he throws it over his shoulder. I swear my heart melts a little and I need an ice rink to get that shit back into solid form. “I know hockey games might not be your scene either, but I was wondering if you wanted to come to my game? I have one Saturday night and I know that we talked about you coming sometime…”
He shifts his weight nervously and for the first time, his confidence is hanging in the balance. Usually, he’s arrogant and comes off as cocky because he’s so sure of himself, which isn’t a bad thing. But as he stands here, his eyes searching mine, I can’t help but feel like he’s let his guard down and he doesn’t know how to handle the possibility of my rejection.
Tilting my head to the side, a smile touches my lips. “I would love to. I wasn’t sure when your next one was and didn’t want to sound weird asking to come, even though we talked about it before.”
Cam visibly relaxes, his chest heaving as he lets out the breath he was holding. His expression softens, and where is that damn freezer I need to shove my melting heart back into?
“Babe. I want you at every single one of my games if you want to go,” he says softly, reaching out as he brushes a piece of hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear. His fingertips are soft as they linger along my skin, slowly sliding them down the length of my throat. “Seriously. The thought of you sitting there watching me does something that I don’t even know how to put into words.”
And that’s it. I’m practically a puddle on the floor around his damn feet.
“I mean, I’ve never been to a game before so I’m not sure I’ll fully understand what is going on, but I would love to be there to support you,” I whisper, not fully trusting my voice as he already has my insides feeling like mush. “Honestly, I think it would be pretty cool to see you in action. Especially when I know how important it is to you. It’s your passion and I appreciate you wanting to share that side of you with me.”
His face softens, his expression unreadable as I feel him staring directly into my soul. The look on his face rocks me to my core. His lips part slightly, but no words come out as he continues to stare at me for a moment. “I’ll tell Isla that you’ll be coming too. Do you care if I give her your number? That way you can find her and she can show you to your seats and everything.”
“That would be perfect,” I tell him, feeling a sense of relief. I don’t know Isla very well, but she’s his best friend’s girlfriend and his other best friend’s sister. I’m not sure how that whole thing worked out between the three of them, but more power to them.
I’ve seen Logan and Isla in the halls together and if you ask me, they seem like the ultimate power couple. I’ve heard through the grapevine about their struggles when their secret came out about their relationship and how her brother, August, didn’t handle it too well. Actually, I was at the party with Delilah the night he found out.
I had happened to step outside for a breath of fresh air when I saw the entire encounter go down. It’s something I never bothered to speak to anyone about because it was none of my business. But it seems like they had worked out their differences and things were good now.
According to Cam, August has his own shit that he’s dealing with now. He’s been trying to work things out with a girl he got pregnant. I don’t know the specifics of their relationship, but from what I’ve overheard, it seems like it comes down to what it always does with these guys…
Hockey is always the most important thing in their lives and it seems like August is struggling to balance between that and having a baby coming into the world soon.
But then again, who am I to judge? I don’t really know any of them, but I just know what I’ve heard through Cam and other people. Everyone has their own shit they’re working through and it’s only right that I mind my own business. All I can do is hope for the best for everyone. Kindness is fucking free and isn’t handed out as often as it should be.
“You still with me, Rossi?” Cameron breaks into my rambling thoughts. I quickly look back at him, his face coming back into focus. It’s a problem I struggle with, mainly from my ADHD and the fact that my meds are probably wearing off this late in the evening.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” I smile sheepishly and shrug as I attempt to brush it off dismissively.
Cameron’s eyebrows draw together and he tilts his head to the side. “You don’t have to apologize, but where did you go, babe?”
Swallowing hard, I turn on my heel, heading toward the door as it feels like the walls of the library are beginning to close in on me. I can feel Cam hot on my heels as he follows me out into the hall. I pick up my pace, heading straight through the doors that lead outside, and inhale the cold air.
Cameron has his little secret about his grades and being tutored, but he doesn’t know about my secret that I don’t let anyone know about.
His arm darts out, his hand wrapping around my shoulder as he pulls me to a halt. Both of his hands grip me and he spins me around to face him. Tilting my head back, I meet his gaze as his eyes desperately search mine. ‘Don’t ever run from me, baby,” he whispers, his voice cracking over his words. “You drifted away. I get it, it happens to people. I didn’t mean to run you off by prying. I was just wondering where you went.”
I swallow hard over the knives in my throat. I didn’t really want to share my secret with him because when people know is when they begin to judge. Over the years, I learned how to act appropriately around people, and therapy and my meds were a big part of that. Considering the fact that my GPA is impeccable, I don’t want people knowing that I take ADHD medications.
Most college students take them to help them study to try and get better grades. I take them because I need them. Because I can’t focus or complete normal tasks without them. The last thing I need is for people to think that my success in my studies comes just from taking my medication as prescribed.
“You know how this little tutoring arrangement is your secret?” My nostrils flare as I inhale deeply. “If I tell you my secret, can you keep it too?”
Cameron stares directly through me, as if he’s looking into a mirror through my eyes. “Your secrets are always safe with me, Aspen.”
I swallow hard, second-guessing myself before I let him in. “I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. I take medication every day and it usually wears off around this time, which can cause me to dissociate without even realizing it. Sometimes I just drift off without trying and focus on listening.” I pause for a moment, my eyes searching his with desperation. “No one can know, though. I don’t want people thinking that I have the grades that I do just from taking medications.”
His lips part slightly, his eyebrows drawn together almost as if he’s going to argue with me. Instead, I watch his throat bob as he swallows and nods. “I’ll take your secret to the grave with me,” he whispers, stepping into my space as he slides his palm to cup the side of my face. His face drops down to mine. “But none of that defines you, baby. You’re amazing and fucking brilliant with or without meds. And you never have to feel like you need to hide any of that from me.”
And just like that, Cameron fucking Sawyer rips open my rib cage and crawls inside, making his home in my heart.
And I’ll never forgive him for it.
